Question for people 35+ who have never been married

March 23, 2014

I don't see my marriage is tying me down but I do see my marriage as being the exception to the rule. Many marriages I see make me cringe and I would rather be single for life than be a part of them. It seems like a never ending effort to stay out of the dog house that you are never really successful at. Somehow it always ends up with their spouse mad at them for one reason or another. Maybe single folks want to wait it out so they can have what I have.

March 23, 2014

I don't see my marriage is tying me down but I do see my marriage as being the exception to the rule. Many marriages I see make me cringe and I would rather be single for life than be a part of them. It seems like a never ending effort to stay out of the dog house that you are never really successful at. Somehow it always ends up with their spouse mad at them for one reason or another. Maybe single folks want to wait it out so they can have what I have.

I agree. Some people end up in relationships with others that are so abusive that they end up seeing marriage and any type of relationship as a sentence.

And that's sad.

When people ask me why I'm still single, I tell them exactly that. I would rather be single for 6 years than jump from one bad relationship to another.

March 23, 2014

... but if say... some 20 something super model came along... damned straight he'd marry her. I get the feeling they are just holding out for a BBD and he is just treading water with me or keeping me in a comfort relationship while he scopes out the terrain for his 'dream' woman. Yes, I know this can happen to married people too.

How about, holding out for the woman of their dreams? Are you saying that's wrong?

You might be surprised. There have been a few friends out of perhaps six that know about my sb, who were all high fives until I said I would marry her. Much to my surprise, they took that as a huge disappointment.

March 23, 2014

I'm a few months short of 31, but here's my take on marriage:

Marriage is not a commitment. Kids are a commitment. A mortgage is a commitment. I am commitment minded, but I don't want to get married. A marriage is an idea shoved down your throat by society. And I've seen plenty of loveless uncommitted marriages. I'll decide what love and commitment really is on my own. I'll follow what I believe in, not what everyone else believes in.

A relationship is between two people. A marriage is a contract between you, your partner, and the state. The state has no business being involved in my relationships, and I don't want it anywhere near them.

March 23, 2014

I did? How did I do that?

After your thread on the whole sugarbabe thing, i started seeing some relationships out there where it was half normal relationship, half sugar babe relationship.

They are out there, and there are options if you are a well-off guy in your early 40's ... more so than if you were a woman.

March 23, 2014

My husband was 36 when we met. He had shared flats and houses, but never lived with a woman as a romantic partner, and had never had what I would call a serious relationship, despite him being serious about one particular woman.

He had dated for 2-3 months at a time. Then he dated for 2 years and really wanted a future with someone who definitely did not want the same. The relationship was affected by distance too, so it really wasnt a huge deal, as relationships go.

He saw his dad treat him mum terribly, then had a rough time with his sister, growing up. Her behaviour (drugs, prison, child taken in to care) put him off the whole 'family' concept. So he was happy living in a big city in a variety of jobs, dating here and there, and having a fab social life. He did this until he was late 20s, then he started settling down. This meant looking to buy a house, changing employment to something with security and prospects as opposed to things he fell in to that he enjoyed. He moved to a different part of the country and was focusing on those things.

He just never wanted to 'settle'. There were many 'maybes' but rarely did he meet someone he saw as a contender. As someone comfortable with his own company, and a bookworm and film buff, he never felt any urgency to fill his time with unfulfilling relationships.

I was wary. I thought it was a red flag, that his commitment hasn't been tested, but I soon saw the upside of a man who really WANTED to find the Real Thing, but hadn't been able to; and a man with no baggage, no tricky past or hostile exes. And I learned to judge him on his behaviour and treatment of ME, as opposed to my own interpretation of his prior life. I couldn't ask for a better husband. He's a bit of a hero, in my eyes, and he's the straightest, most loving man I've ever known. And we have so much fun! We *are* as good a match 2 years later as it seemed when we met.

I think you're wise to weigh up a prospective partner's relationship experiences, but the context is important. And I am not sure that a series of serious relationships is any more reassuring than someone who has had none.

March 23, 2014

So, I guess my question is... If you are 35+ and never married, then why not? Do you see yourself ever being married, or are you just philosophically against it? What would make you want to marry someone?

I am not 35, but will be soon in a couple of years. Why never married? I guess its because of the choices. Being a ambitious and career oriented person and the job requirement to move to different countries for years based on the project. I don't know what the future hold. It won't take something special to marry someone (if it happens) just the right person, circumstances and time.

Cheers.

March 23, 2014

If a man reaches 35 and has never married, I'd conclude he probably doesn't want to marry (for whatever reason....and there are many). I wouldn't assume that he'd be more amenable to marriage to a younger woman.

I dunno about that. There are a lot of late blooming men who played around a lot in their 20's and 30's who seem pretty anxious to start a family once they hit 40. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. I figure for some of them, that's just the story they tell so they can reel in the young'ins.

When I was doing OLD, I had a 52 year old man email me whose age range was 35-45 and never married and claimed to be 'not sure' about wanting kids. Seriously??. He's not someone I'd waste my time on.

Another 49 year old guy emailed me. He had a one year old and had not so pleasant things to say about his ex in his profile. Another never married guy.

... and last but not least... a cute guy from my Unitarian Congregation. I don't know how old he is, but I'd peg him as late 30's early 40's... who seems quite intense about discussions revolving around sperm viability and autism due to a man's age... he's definitely got the man's version of baby rabies.

yea... there is a HUGE contingent of never married men 35+ who are trying to make up for lost time on a younger woman's back. I'd like to avoid those. Although, they certainly don't have anything on the divorced guys who are doing the same.

March 23, 2014

Because the divorced men are typically commitment minded and want to get married again.

Based on my own experiences, I am very skeptical when it comes to never married men over 35. I've never met one who didn't have some sort of issue that made him an unsuitable partner. (Keep in mind, I live in a smallish town where people marry early.) I wish this wasn't the case because I'd prefer someone never married.

If a man wants to get married, he will probably do so before 35, especially if he wants to have a family.

There are exceptions, so if I were you I'd make it clear that marriage was something I desired in the future. Watch his behavior. You can usually tell when a men desires commitment.

So you're saying a guy who made more poor decisions and played a role in a previous failed marriage is more desirable than a man who never married because he has been cautious and waiting for the right one? If a woman was that skeptical, I would question her true motive.

March 23, 2014

Commitment-minded is a sketchy term, IMO. To some, it might mean just signing the paper, but to others it might mean the willingness to put effort into a relationship. If all RR wanted was to get married, then perhaps your point would be valid. But if, as I think she does, she wants to get married to someone who takes marriage seriously and is willing to put effort into it... then knowing the reasons for the divorce is essential. Which puts us back at square one, getting to know the person.

Commitment minded doesn't mean diddly squat. What were they like after they got married? Did the pressure of marriage cause them to break and go off the deep end? Are they not able to take care of themselves being alone?

March 23, 2014

My observation is that marriage shines a light through the cracks of someone's ability to be committed. It's where one's 'virtue' is most tested... for better or worse.

Being married is absolutely different than living together. I've lived with a man before I met my ex-H. I know what that is like. That's 'renting'.

Marriage is 'buying'. I have no problems with it at all. Just like I have no problems buying my house and keeping it up.

I've never been all that happy as a 'renter'... not IRL and not in my relationships.... but if there are no 'houses' for sale (to keep the analogy going), I'm obliged to rent or crash on the couch (casual sex/FWB/live-in GF) or just sleep on the street (celibacy).

A divorced person... it is usually much easier to see how things broke down. Not sure why. Maybe because it is so much harder to get out of one that there are more stories and a paper trail. I imagine that is why so many people aren't for it.

March 23, 2014

So you're saying a guy who made more poor decisions and played a role in a previous failed marriage is more desirable than a man who never married because he has been cautious and waiting for the right one? If a woman was that skeptical, I would question her true motive.

I absolutely did not say that.

I said I have not met a never married man over 35 who was single because he was cautious. It's a shame too because I would prefer a man who was never married, but the ones I meet are not interested in or capable of relationships.

A man who wants marriage and family is most desirable.

March 23, 2014

Reading what you are saying here, it seems like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders, and working through some of the things that you feel are holding you back, imo, is a extremely admirable and genuine quality, and it's a shame that you have not had a potential suitor share similar feelings enough to develop a lasting relationship at this point in time. Because, at some point, I would think a lot of guys would want a healthy interdependent LTR/marriage, and I hope you find it! That is about the best thing a couple can share and consciously making the choice to work through problems that are bound to come up can make a relationship stronger and happier together when they get to the point of trust where its easy to identify the things that amplify the things that most humans like to give to their partners for the good feelings that it brings. I really think on some deeper levels, some of your views are shared and not that foreign to many people.

March 23, 2014

I am 37 and never been married. I have been in two long term 6 year relationships, the last one in which we were engaged ended last June. I have a 9 year old son from the first LTR who is awesome and I have 50/50 custody of. I have dated a lot between/after the relationships. I guess the reason I never got married because neither were the right woman for me and the marriage would have likely ended in divorce. I am happiest in a healthy, committed relationship but at some point in those long terms relationships things happened where the relationships where irreparably damaged in someway. I would definitely like to get married and have more children someday, but take the idea of marriage very seriously, I only want to do it once.

March 23, 2014

I don't think it's that big of a deal. For me it'd be preferable than married young and got divorced. I mean if he's a committment-phobe, that'll be obvious to any smart woman quickly through other avenues. I wouldn't red flag "never been married at 35" right off the bat, at all.

Also, I've noticed that men who've never been married are branded committment-phobes or Peter Pan types pretty consistently but women are usually just branded as "has bad luck" I'd say it's equal for both genders, bad luck or crappy personality (ie no one WANTS to marry you) or just focussed on other things or maybe just haven't met that one.

March 23, 2014

My observation is that marriage shines a light through the cracks of someone's ability to be committed. It's where one's 'virtue' is most tested... for better or worse.

Being married is absolutely different than living together. I've lived with a man before I met my ex-H. I know what that is like. That's 'renting'.

Marriage is 'buying'. I have no problems with it at all. Just like I have no problems buying my house and keeping it up.

I've never been all that happy as a 'renter'... not IRL and not in my relationships.... but if there are no 'houses' for sale (to keep the analogy going), I'm obliged to rent or crash on the couch (casual sex/FWB/live-in GF) or just sleep on the street (celibacy).

A divorced person... it is usually much easier to see how things broke down. Not sure why. Maybe because it is so much harder to get out of one that there are more stories and a paper trail. I imagine that is why so many people aren't for it.

This is simply not true. What is marriage to you as divorcee? Divorce rates are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy higher for second + marriages. Seems to me divorced people are less likely to commit to marriage and take it less seriously statistics wise than never married people getting into a first marriage...

So I find this scepticism of some posters weird and depressing considering the statistics (being 31 and single and yes, had always thought I would be married by this age). I have dated 2 women I was considering marrying up to the point of planning the engagement, but the relationships fell apart beforehand.

March 23, 2014

This is simply not true. What is marriage to you as divorcee? Divorce rates are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy higher for second + marriages. Seems to me divorced people are less likely to commit to marriage and take it less seriously statistics wise than never married people getting into a first marriage...

So I find this scepticism of some posters weird and depressing considering the statistics (being 31 and single and yes, had always thought I would be married by this age). I have dated 2 women I was considering marrying up to the point of planning the engagement, but the relationships fell apart beforehand.

I was together with my last gf for a year and a half. I've never been married, she had a tough divorce. Her view on marriage drastically changed after her first. While we loved each other and amazing chemistry, we were not on the same page as far as marriage. It fell apart and looking back on it i'm glad it did before we got married because it would not have lasted long.

March 23, 2014

I was together with my last gf for a year and a half. I've never been married, she had a tough divorce. Her view on marriage drastically changed after her first. While we loved each other and amazing chemistry, we were not on the same page as far as marriage. It fell apart and looking back on it i'm glad it did before we got married because it would not have lasted long.

Haha, look on the (not so) bright side. If you did get married to your ex at least you would have been on the same page now

Being the never married man that I am I prefer the romantic notion of 'till death do us part'. Thinking about it, I pretty much have the same preconceptions as the divorced people on this thread, but the other way around. Divorced people can't commit (which preconception is also wrong to some extent, only not statistically).

TBH, I prefer, but not rule out, divorced women, as well as women with children, but only due to a want to experience that together for the first time.

March 23, 2014

The leading cause of second divorces is children existing from a previous marriage/relationship that create problems for the present couple(s) in question ...... not necessarily an individual with commitment issues ...... though plenty of marriages have ended for that reason too.

March 23, 2014

I'm 40 and never been married. I've had a few long term relationships (6 year, 2 year, and 1.5 years). As someone previously mentioned, I've always equated marriage with having kids. I haven't gotten married yet because, until quite recently, I haven't had enough of my sh*t together to be comfortable having children.

Now that I do, I am very open to the possibility of marriage, and in fact I'm dating someone that I do see long term potential with.

OP, a couple of comments:

We no longer live in a world where marriage is necessarily the expected course of action for most people. In our parents generation, it was just assumed that people would get married; and practically everybody did. Nowadays, the same expectations do not apply.

A lot of men and women focus on their education, careers, and travel in the 20s and then look to settle down in their 30s. Is it surprising that some people don't find the person they're looking for until later in life? I definitely would not write someone off because they've never been married whether they are a man or a woman.

But for you OP especially, I think you have to stop looking for reasons to cross men of your potential mate list. In my opinion, you are struggling with abandonment issues due to your previous two long term relationships - one where you were cheated on and one where your partner passed away - essentially you were abandoned twice.

And now, you are doing what a lot of people do when they struggle abandonment issues, and that is rejecting people before you can be abandoned. It's self preservation. At some point you are going to have to take that risk, and when you're ready it won't matter if the guy had never been married, or if he had a FWB 10 years ago, or if there are a couple ONS in his past, etc. You will accept him for who he is now and not what he did or did not do in his past.

And until you're ready to take that risk, you likely aren't ready to be in a relationship yourself (no matter how much you tell yourself otherwise).

March 23, 2014

No, that is just one of the reasons stated, and the causation is anecdotal. Others are: lower threshold to divorce having experienced it a first time, 'rebound'marriages, financial reasons, age etc.

March 23, 2014

And even if that was so. A first marriage doens't have children issues? Children are one of the biggest stress factors in a relationship, whether your own or others. And I am not just talking commitment as in ; lets stay together as long as everything is peachy'. This just means the lack of commitment to make the 2 families work (very black & white, I know, and I am sure there are a lot of exceptions, but also a lot of lack of dedication). Thats why I asked; what does marriage mean to you as a divorcee? Seeing those statistics seriously makes me scared marrying a divorcee.

Edited March 24, 2014 by Priv

March 24, 2014

I'm 38 and never been married and have no children. I guess even when I was in my LTR relationship which lasted about 9 years actually, my partner and I got comfortable and agreed that we didn't want to officially marry but yet we had been living together for pretty much that entire time. Our friends and family kind of just accepted that eventually. Hindsight is 20/20 and I understand now that telling yourself there's no possible way I would ever want to meet other guys was totally hasty on my part at 25.

So, after breaking up with him, was in kind of an LDR with another man for just 2 years but that time I had considered maybe wanting to marry the guy, except he pushed me away. And I've been single ever since and enjoying my freedom. However I guess I am now more open to settling down to marriage one day, but its a mental wrestling match because its hard to know what to do when you enjoy parts of single life but at the same time you don't want to be alone for the rest of your life. But for sure it would only be with the right person for me.

March 24, 2014

This is simply not true. What is marriage to you as divorcee? Divorce rates are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy higher for second + marriages. Seems to me divorced people are less likely to commit to marriage and take it less seriously statistics wise than never married people getting into a first marriage...

So I find this scepticism of some posters weird and depressing considering the statistics (being 31 and single and yes, had always thought I would be married by this age). I have dated 2 women I was considering marrying up to the point of planning the engagement, but the relationships fell apart beforehand.

Good point. I've also wondered why, given the 2nd marriage divorce stats, people think a divorcee is preferable to a never-married when what they are looking for a is a life-long commitment. A marriage and subsequent divorce by the still-young age of 35 could point to settling or having a bad people-picker or desperation.

March 24, 2014

So, I guess my question is... If you are 35+ and never married, then why not? Do you see yourself ever being married, or are you just philosophically against it? What would make you want to marry someone?

I don't know. I was closer to marriage when I was younger than I am now. I like to think it's because my eyes are more open to life now than when I was younger, but that is probably not really true.

My life is pretty good. I do fine financially and women tend to like me on sight. For the longest time, all my relations with women have just been "surface" relationships I guess. I never really talk with them. I don't really want to talk with anyone. I keep a lot of stuff to myself and that is how I have been for a long long time.

I think being with someone that you care deeply about is probably the best thing that can happen to anyone. If there is a God, he or she must really like me because I am constantly being given oppertunities to connect with really good women. But it never works out, not for long. I have dreams of really loving a women and sharing everything, but in real life I keep everything buried. There is a certain level I go to and I just stop there. I don't understand why.

Sometimes I wake up and feel like my life is a nightmare. I don't go around trying to trick women. All I do is honest. It's just at some point I stop and I don't go any further and you can't really do that and have a real relationship.

I like to think maybe it's because I am waiting for the right girl, but it's getting pretty late in the game. Maybe there is just something wrong with me.

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Question for people 35+ who have never been married

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