Storm_Chaser Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 (edited) I don't get it. I keep thinking about my last relationship and wondering what the point of lying to your significant other is. I mean, I told him right off the bat that I was still in love with my former ex. I told him I wanted something light and easy (pretty much "no strings attached") and that if something more formed out of it: great. But if he wanted to date other people, that was fine. I even knew about his previous ex who lived out of state and told him if he needed to go see her to just tell me. I told him the ONLY thing I can't handle in any relationship is lying. The. Only. Thing. A few weeks in he tells me he loves me, wants me to move in, that I'm the only woman he's interested in and about a month later I start to let down my guard and reciprocate the feelings. And what do I find out two months in? He's been lying to me. He's been in contact with his out of state ex (and other women) and leading her (the ex) on. (Shoot, she was probably never his "ex" to begin with. Rather, they were probably in a "long distance" relationship.) Then, when I call him out on it, he dumps me and two days later is shacked up with her. (Well, I'm technically the one who left, but looking back, he was the one who orchestrated the whole fight that ended things between us.) I just don't get it. Over a month later and 6 days short of a full month of NC, I am still baffled. What the hell was the point of getting me emotionally involved only to lie to me and break my heart? I would have been FINE with all of it if he had just been honest with me. I mean, is this normal behavior? Are people just incapable of being honest? It's sick. Both of my (more serious) romantic relationships have about driven me mad, because both people were lying, manipulative @ssholes. Can someone please shed some light on this behavior for me? I know even if he comes back (which I have no doubt I'll eventually hear from him), I can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth. Why not just be honest from the beginning, ESPECIALLY when I would have been fine with him dating other people? Is there some kind of sick satisfaction these people get from emotionally ensnaring people and then dropping them like hotcakes? WTF?! Edited March 23, 2014 by Storm_Chaser
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Because telling a guy you don't want to get emotionally invested with him is like a clear challenge, he just had to get wrapped into him so you could stop thinking about this other guy...he wanted you for himself, emotionally speaking. Sure he could have bounced you around like a ball of hay in bed but he wouldn't have you entirely, he wouldn't have you all to himself, so he had to pretend he was in it for more, he wanted your emotional unavailable to turn into availability just so that he could have it and stroke his ego in saying he got you to turn his way. Now that you weren't willing to play along with his whirlwind romance anymore, in which he was just rebounding off you anyway, he flipped right back to his ex...the one he was emotionally wrapped in anyway, you were just kind of the toy and replacement for her for the time being so it wasn't exactly why he was worried about losing you, after all this was just his way of acting out his dysfunctional behavior with his ex. And now that you're out of the picture...for the time being, in which I can just about guarantee he'll be back since nearly all guys like this do, then he'll try to emotionally manipulate back into this situation by feeding you a bunch of half truth and more lies and since your ears are open enough just to listen to any kind of BS that comes out of your mouth even though it won't be the truth...that's the perfect opportunity to push your buttons and make you feel like now you've got something to prove because you're a dysfunctional person to. Isn't life great!!! happy now? 1
Author Storm_Chaser Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 (edited) Because telling a guy you don't want to get emotionally invested with him is like a clear challenge, he just had to get wrapped into him so you could stop thinking about this other guy...he wanted you for himself, emotionally speaking. Sure he could have bounced you around like a ball of hay in bed but he wouldn't have you entirely, he wouldn't have you all to himself, so he had to pretend he was in it for more, he wanted your emotional unavailable to turn into availability just so that he could have it and stroke his ego in saying he got you to turn his way. Now that you weren't willing to play along with his whirlwind romance anymore, in which he was just rebounding off you anyway, he flipped right back to his ex...the one he was emotionally wrapped in anyway, you were just kind of the toy and replacement for her for the time being so it wasn't exactly why he was worried about losing you, after all this was just his way of acting out his dysfunctional behavior with his ex. And now that you're out of the picture...for the time being, in which I can just about guarantee he'll be back since nearly all guys like this do, then he'll try to emotionally manipulate back into this situation by feeding you a bunch of half truth and more lies and since your ears are open enough just to listen to any kind of BS that comes out of your mouth even though it won't be the truth...that's the perfect opportunity to push your buttons and make you feel like now you've got something to prove because you're a dysfunctional person to. Isn't life great!!! happy now? LOL, I can't tell if you're being mean toward me in your response or toward manipulative players like my ex. I can't say I'm particularly happy with such an analysis. I honestly don't think I was the "rebound," as he's recently divorced and I am just one of three women he's dated since the divorce. He dated a woman before me, me (we took a break), the ex he's currently seeing, and then me again and now her again. I think he just likes playing women--he might be using us all as rebounds because of the ex-wife. It's like a revolving door: when it doesn't work out with one of us, he drops us to move on to the next and continues doing so until he's made full circle. So, yes: he's dysfunctional. His current girlfriend is dysfunctional. But I don't plan on allowing his behavior to make me dysfunctional. I mean, the only two people I've ever met that are users/players/liars, etc. are the two I decided to date. Most people aren't like that. I was just wondering what the motivation behind his actions were, because I don't get it. Now that I know, I don't plan on allowing him back in my life. On any level. He can try and it will be entertaining to watch, but I'm done. Someone who's a kind person just doesn't treat people this way. I want to be with a kind person--an HONEST person--who's not interested in game playing. (They have to be out there.) Edited March 23, 2014 by Storm_Chaser
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 (edited) LOL, I can't tell if you're being mean toward me in your response or toward manipulative players like my ex. I can't say I'm particularly happy with such an analysis. I honestly don't think I was the "rebound," as he's recently divorced and I am just one of three women he's dated since the divorce. He dated a woman before me, me (we took a break), the ex he's currently seeing, and then me again and now her again. I think he just likes playing women--he might be using us all as rebounds because of the ex-wife. It's like a revolving door: when it doesn't work out with one of us, he drops us to move on to the next and continues doing so until he's made full circle. So, yes: he's dysfunctional. His current girlfriend is dysfunctional. But I don't plan on allowing his behavior to make me dysfunctional. I mean, the only two people I've ever met that are users/players/liars, etc. are the two I decided to date. Most people aren't like that. I was just wondering what the motivation behind his actions were, because I don't get it. Now that I know, I don't plan on allowing him back in my life. On any level. He can try and it will be entertaining to watch, but I'm done. Someone who's a kind person just doesn't treat people this way. I want to be with a kind person--an HONEST person--who's not interested in game playing. (They have to be out there.) Damn, just reread my post and there's a lot of errors in it, what a pain in the @ss to read. Anyway, yes to both statements in your first sentence. I don't see why you don't see yourself as a genuine rebound, you're as expendable to him as three other women...what? you think he just having something "special" with you? HA! Of course he likes playing women, it's easy to do that when your emotions are all invested in the past, little risk in that and you're not really living in the moment or sharing anything genuine and real with the current women (whom I'm all sure will attest to that being the contrary - collectively) but you also have to realize that you're very likely will continue to be drawn to these type of men based of what you perceive as their genuine transparency and honesty...but a guy who is recently divorced? I mean c'mon, along with other clues I'm sure you didn't even think about in his behavior. I can see you're going to have some difficulty processing and accepting how generic and common place his behavior is before you take in the reality of all this perceived significant meaning you feel is associated with your whirlwind "love" affair...well not affair as in cheating, but then again he was probably pretending to be committed to all three women in some respect. Anyway you were the perfect target on top of it, you had one rule, you set it and you let him break it just because he pushed for it...should have stood your own ground and meant what you said instead of given in, he would have respected you for that you know. And then he dips into all of you whenever he gets tired of the other cycle again and needs a little change in his life. If you want a kind and honest person, then don't give people the benefit of the doubt, get to know them and let them earn your trust and kindness/honesty, let them show you their true colors first before you just fall into an intimate relationship with men and trust men as if they are just great and honest people because they have eyeballs and wear clothes...don't tell them you're not looking for a relationship, there's plenty of guys that will stick it in you without even asking or pushing for that. As soon as you want a relationship and start giving off the vibe you're looking for one, these guys are going to run for the hills...some of them, guys who would have just poked you for fun had you been the way you are now without any questions, until they're wondering why you're not "falling" for them, then they'll turn up the heat! Edited March 23, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas
RedRobin Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 (edited) Look, OP... there are just some sick people out there. Do yourself a favor and google 'sociopath'... There are people, men and women, who lie and manipulate just for fun. I came across one last year myself. He gave off a few tells though. Lucky for me. There was a part of me that stuck around a bit longer than I normally would only because I couldn't believe someone would just outright lie so boldly... surely, there must be some misunderstanding (!!). Maybe I was being to big a prude... or judgmental. Not sure. He lied when he didn't have to. I'd never met anyone who did that. Lied just for fun. Like I said, fortunately for me, I held back. I asked questions. Asked more questions. Talked to other people. I even came on here. I told people... something isn't adding up. As hard as it was for me, I ended it. It was hard for me because people like this... true sociopaths... they will say and do just about anything. They are often very good liars. They are great at finding what you are hungry for and using it against you... or try to. Something always slips through the cracks though. That gut feeling you likely had about this guy early on. Learn to trust that. Slow down, stop, or walk away if you feel this in the future. This is what I encourage ANYONE in the current dating world who is looking for genuine intimacy without becoming bitter to watch. Granted... not every liar or dysfunctional person is a sociopath. I would argue though... that today's dating culture is highly dysfunctional in general... we are breeding and cultivating sociopath like tendencies in so many ways we interact these days... anyway, watch the video. Should help you sort out these kinds of people. Pamela Meyer: How to spot a liar | Talk Video | TED Edited March 23, 2014 by RedRobin 2
melell Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Regardless, you told him you were in love with your ex, two weeks later he said he love you- there was your cue to walk away. Behavior on both sides sounds dysfunctional. No, not all people are like that.
joystickd Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Its easier to lie. Isnt easier to lie by omission about your past than reveal it? Isnt it easier to lie about still wanting to be with an ex? Yeah it is because people want what they want and to them the best way of doing it is being selfish and lying. Truth is scary because their is the chance someone wont accept you after hearing the truth
Author Storm_Chaser Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Regardless, you told him you were in love with your ex, two weeks later he said he love you- there was your cue to walk away. Behavior on both sides sounds dysfunctional. No, not all people are like that. I should have clarified: I told him I was still in love with my ex when we first started dating in October of last year. We took a break because he was going through stuff with his ex wife and I was going through stuff with my ex. We went on a lunch date two months later during our "break," but he was apparently seeing his current girlfriend at that time. (Note that he had told me he wasn't seeing anyone, which is why I agreed to see him. Course, I now know that to be a lie.) We started seeing each other again about a month later and, yes, two weeks into that month he told me he loved me. I didn't say anything until about a week later. The clarification is: we had dated before and we had known each other for months before he said he loved me.
Author Storm_Chaser Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Its easier to lie. Isnt easier to lie by omission about your past than reveal it? Isnt it easier to lie about still wanting to be with an ex? Yeah it is because people want what they want and to them the best way of doing it is being selfish and lying. Truth is scary because their is the chance someone wont accept you after hearing the truth It's the lies I won't accept, not the truth. I knew he might not want to date me after hearing that I was still in love with my ex last year, but I told him. I would have still dated him if he were honest about this OW. I mean, ideally, she too would know that he was dating other people. I wasn't expecting him to want to settle down with me when he just got divorced--that's crazy. I just wanted to have a good time, but then he sucked me in with his bull$h!t. What I don't understand is that, according to him, the ex had been chasing him the whole time he was with me and he told her he wasn't interested. He said that he had "chosen to be with me," even though his ex was promising him the world, throwing money at him to fix all of his financial problems (she's rich, I'm most definitely not), and she was closer to his age. His words, "I must love you, because there's no other reason for me to be with you over *ex-girlfriend*. She has more money and is closer to my age. But I've chosen to be with you." Okay, again: what the hell? Clearly, she was still in the picture, else she wouldn't have decided to come be with him two days after we broke up. (She hasn't left his sight in a month and a week, because she knows about me.) All of that indicates to me that she either really was aware of me and doing anything to win him back, OR they were dating long distance the whole time and she found out he was seeing someone else, so here to be with him and watch him 24/7.
RedRobin Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 For your own sake, it is best to stop wondering why some people lie when they don't have to. Like I said... some people lie just for fun. Lots of people lie to get something they want they can't get any other way. ... but on that video, it's clear that everyone tells some kind of lies. It's your job to sort out the ones who lie over insignificant things and with good intention.... and even that, only rarely. Or the ones who are truly sick and evil. I'm sorry you came across one of those on the other end of the continuum. It's bound to happen to just about everyone some time in their life. The best you can do is learn how to spot them early before they can do too much damage. Ask questions... then ask more questions. Be respectful and open when you do it. Trust your gut. Don't commit your heart to those whose actions and words don't line up. Cheer up. You aren't his ex or whatever she is. I will say that this is why I don't date people who are freshly divorced. Even when they aren't lying outright... they often do a lot of lying to themselves... which is just as bad. It might be as simple as that.
joystickd Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 It's the lies I won't accept, not the truth. He didn't know that. That is why I'm so big on honesty. It's insulting in a sense that someone doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth. When a person lies or even omits truth they show how much respect for you they have.
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