Spira Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 I honestly do have an endless amount of love for you, but I am suffering by staying with you. You have destroyed me. It is killing me inside that it has come to this. All I want in the world is to right things and make them OK again. But it's not that easy, and I don't think you're willing to do what is neccesary to make this work. I can not blame you, because whatever problems you have in your life are preventing you from seeing what you're doing to yourself and me, but I can't continue like this. I am only hurting myself by staying. I have to pack up my stuff and leave. I wouldn't be suprised if you agreed with me on this decision - I can tell that you're unhappy too. You deserve to know *why* I made this choice. Our communication is non-existant. While I agree that I have had huge trouble with this issue, I have made efforts to talk to you, even if it is after I've had a few too many drinks. Other efforts. You don't listen. You're too tired, you want to watch TV, you ignore me. You're too consumed with your own problems to listen to me. You isolate yourself and fail to see that I'm trying. And in any case, you don't care about how I feel. Why do I say this? I know [what I found]. You know how much it meant to me, but you completely disregarded how I felt about it. You can accuse me of jealousy if you want. There have been times that I have been irrational in my jealousy. But most of the time my feelings on it are valid and you just try to make it out like I'm wrong. And so I buckle to you because I don't want to lose you. But I can't be with someone who tries to make me think that my feelings are wrong. And I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is preoccupied. And I will never forget how you abandoned me when I needed you the most. Like I said, I wouldn't have turned away from my worst enemy if I had seen her there like I was. I stuck with you through the worst of everything, depression, being broke, all of that. I did it because I love you and I believe in going through the good *and* the bad together. I thought that you believed that too, but I was wrong. You were ready to abandon me as soon as something bad happened. Somehow you made the issue about yourself, when your first concern should have been to help me. You don't appreciate me. You have no compassion. I have been alone all this time that we've been together. I have been so consumed with the idea that I was responsible for you, to help you out of this sh*t, that I ignored how I felt. And so did you. I wanted to wipe the slate clean and start again, like you said when I came home from the hospital. But things are just too messy here. I need to leave so that I can get my own life together and think about what I want. I need to take myself out of this bad situation that we've created. My life has entirely revolved around you while I ignored myself. I know that I haven't been perfect either. But I have at least given effort. Worse than any of this is that you have let your problems deeply affect me and our relationship and you refuse to acknowledge them or do anything to help yourself. You will never be able to have real love with someone until you are able to deal with your issues. I hope more than anything that you are able to use your time alone to deal with everything in your life and pick up the pieces. I hope you are able to realize what's really important to you, what you want. I hope that you realize a relationship requires your effort and sometimes sacrafice and comprimise. I hope that you will be able to open up and communicate. And most of all I hope that when you are able to do this, that we can give it another chance. It makes me cry now to think of being without you. Of all the good times. When you used to pick me up and drop me off from my dad's apartment, going together to visit your mom, meeting by the bar at Catacomb, hotel rooms, the church, the first ring you gave me, the exorcist stairs, going out every Thursday night... The times before your depression overtook you and what we had was changed. I wish that you loved and cared about me enough to take care of yourself so that we could have a second shot at things. I haven't given up hope for this yet. Remember that I still love you. I hope that we can still keep in contact with each other when I am gone, and if you ever need anything, you can give me a call. I hope that you don't forget about me and in the future when we have our lives worked out, we can try again. I hope that you remember that night that you made me promise that if I ever left you that I couldn't go without giving you one last kiss... This hurts really bad. I am going to miss you. Spira.
kellydontwanttasleep Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 sounds like a movie. you're very clear. nice
Author Spira Posted January 28, 2005 Author Posted January 28, 2005 Thanks. My life *is* like a movie. lol.
poister Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 Spira, This is a great break up letter. It sounds like you are being really upfront, and you are accepting what blame is due to you rather than blame it exclusively on your partner. It reads a bit like an essay (in a good way) in that you make a point and offer support for it so that it is known what you mean. It is a courageous step you are taking. I commend you - and good luck.
Author Spira Posted January 28, 2005 Author Posted January 28, 2005 Thanks. I'm glad it doesn't sound too harsh. I intend to sit down with him and give it to him. Then we will have the opportunity to discuss it, if he's able to.
Author Spira Posted January 28, 2005 Author Posted January 28, 2005 I think a good question is, if *you* got this letter, would you be OK with it, or would you have wished I had said something differently?
Scott S Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 Originally posted by Spira I think a good question is, if *you* got this letter, would you be OK with it, or would you have wished I had said something differently? I believe you spoke your feelings quite well. Had I received such a letter, it would leave me wishing that I had done things differently. But that's just me.
Author Spira Posted January 28, 2005 Author Posted January 28, 2005 I really, really hope he thinks so too.
Pocky Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 Honestly, having been the recipient of these types of letters, my reaction when I read it is irritation. To me, imagining I'm him, the last thing I want to do is read a letter that points out every single thing I did wrong and portrays me as the bad guy, while you get to close the bashing with the impression that you're the "better" person because even through all of this you loved me. I'm not saying anything is wrong with your letter or you're wrong in giving it to him. I'm just giving you a different perspective and if I received this letter I wouldn't receive it well. I doubt the response I'd have would be the response you're looking for. If you need a way of placing blame and having the last word so that he knows he was wrong and you were the only one that tried then the letter leaves the reader with that impression. If that's what you want to do.. However, if you're trying to have an amicable break up then you may want to make the letter less accusatory.
Bubbles Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 In my experience......most men don't think the way that most women do (venus and mars?) A letter is an excellent way to voice your opinion without interruption - seems to be the best way for men and women to communicte without going off topic. Excellently written and very easy to understand. I don't think that you spent too much time making accusations at all. You were straight to the point about issues that the two of you had and stated how YOU felt about it - nothing wrong with that.....it's your letter! If I was the recipient of this letter? I would understand without question the reason that you are ending things with me and I would also understand that YOU would be willing to talk to me about our issues if I chose to do so. Good Girl! You did very well! bubbles
Author Spira Posted January 28, 2005 Author Posted January 28, 2005 Thanks, everyone. Pocky, your comment *is* making me re-think the letter. Although I do have to say it is not my intention to get the last word, just my intention to let him know exactly how I feel about all of these things, even if it is bad. I'm really not sure how else to go about it because if I don't clear the air of all these things that I think and feel, then I will not be able to let go. I am also allowing him the opportunity to talk about it, say what he has to say, and let him clear his own air. But I am very muddled by emotion, and really that's why I posted this here. For objective viewpoint.
Scott S Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 Originally posted by Spira It makes me cry now to think of being without you. Of all the good times. When you used to pick me up and drop me off from my dad's apartment, going together to visit your mom, meeting by the bar at Catacomb, hotel rooms, the church, the first ring you gave me, the exorcist stairs, going out every Thursday night... The times before your depression overtook you and what we had was changed. I wish that you loved and cared about me enough to take care of yourself so that we could have a second shot at things. I haven't given up hope for this yet. Remember that I still love you. I hope that we can still keep in contact with each other when I am gone, and if you ever need anything, you can give me a call. I hope that you don't forget about me and in the future when we have our lives worked out, we can try again. I hope that you remember that night that you made me promise that if I ever left you that I couldn't go without giving you one last kiss... This hurts really bad. I am going to miss you. This part expresses, not implies, that you believe it's possible to save this relationship, that you would really want to save it, & that you are willing to work on it together with him if he is. Is that how you feel, & do you intend to convey this? If he agrees to get whatever help he needs, & to make the requisite changes, will you afford him the reasonable opportunity to do so?
Author Spira Posted January 28, 2005 Author Posted January 28, 2005 Scott, if he decides to make the necessary changes in his life, I will welcome him back with open arms and tears of joy. I would kiss his feet and prepare his throne.
tanbark813 Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 I think it's a very good breakup letter and not harsh or accusatory at all.
whichwayisup Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 That letter is honest, pure and spoken from your heart...I had tears in my eyes reading this because I felt your pain, your love for this guy and it is truely sad that he is in a bad place right now and he's about to lose you. I do hope he seeks therapy and gets his life together so he can find you and ask you to marry him. Hang in there, and don't give up on him! You're doing the right thing for you and that is good.
Author Spira Posted January 29, 2005 Author Posted January 29, 2005 Thank you again. The saddest thing of all is that this is not ending because of arguments or differences and things that you can not change about a person. This is ending because, like you said, he is in a bad place and I don't know what else to do anymore. I truly do love him and was going to marry him and build a future, but that will never happen unless he is able to pull his life together. I know he loves me and wants that too. I know neither of us wants this to happen.
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Exactly, that is the saddest kind of break up when there still is so much love and you really do not want to be without that person...But they are messed up and the timing is just so wrong right now...I am sure he's aching just as much - or will be when he gets the letter. Keeping intouch with him is a good thing because you don't want him to spiral down further...But this could be the push for him to get his s*** together and hopefully with some help, therapy and time things will get better.
immoralist Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 I think it's a very good breakup letter and not harsh or accusatory at all. Not "harsh or accusatory," eh? Let's see what Spira wrote: You have destroyed me. Perhaps a little harsh. You don't listen. You're too tired, you want to watch TV, you ignore me. You're too consumed with your own problems to listen to me. You isolate yourself and fail to see that I'm trying. And in any case, you don't care about how I feel. Again, perhaps a tad accusatory. You were ready to abandon me as soon as something bad happened. Somehow you made the issue about yourself, when your first concern should have been to help me. You don't appreciate me. You have no compassion. I have been alone all this time that we've been together. Judgment day, is it not? I hope that you realize a relationship requires your effort and sometimes sacrafice and comprimise. I hope that you will be able to open up and communicate. Criticize, criticize. Spira, your letter is a left hook masquerading as concern and compassion. Many women have the unique ability to deliver body blows and, at the same time, convince themselves and their victim that this is all for his good. Your letter is an end-of-relationship sucker punch. Perhaps he deserves it, and that's fine with me.But don't pretend that this letter won't cut him. It will. The worse form of cruelty is the "nice" kind, that pretends to be other than what it is.
tanbark813 Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Damn, and I thought I was sensitive. I, personally, don't think the letter is harsh at all. But, admittedly, I write letters similar to this myself. I think it was straightforward and it even left the door open for the guy at the end. It certainly could have been more cruel. I agree it will hurt him, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be sent. Some people need a good kick in the a$$ to wake up and start acting like a committed partner.
alphamale Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Well, of course alpha must put in his .02 here. Spira, I read the letter and I truly believe you are not ready to leave this relationship yet. See, I have read between the lines. The most important verbage is always the unwritten words. I think you need to give it one more shot.
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Yeah this letter will cut him to pieces although there isn't anything wrong about speaking your heart out either obviously you have reached your threshold and can't go on like this i think you shouldn't give it to him but post it to him as he needs time to ingest it and reflect otherwise he may be defensive if you sit with him while he reads it! if he is suffering from depression of any sort he may be living in ignorance and ignorance can be bliss, that is until the **** hits the fan people can change the little important things to help a relationship but you cannot change a person fundamentally! but at least you have left an open door and hopefully he will respond eventually which is a better scenario than what i got recently even though i did offer to compromise and understand her more!
roxy_1980 Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 My opinion is don't send this letter. My first reaction was "she is so self-righteous". You're beaten him over the head with the message of: "You're a jerk and I'm perfect for loving you". He will label you a bitch and spread it around town as fast as he can that you are. Then you remind him of all the good times, so they linger in his mind right after you break up with him. Then to top it all of you give him the message of "when I think you're fixed, you can have the priviledge of getting me back". Besides, it sounds like you've been with him for a long time, shouldn't you have the decency to tell it to his face. Letters are just as bad as e-mail breakups.
startingover1028 Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 I gotta agree with Alpha. In reading your letter, I get the distinct feeling that what you're going for here is to have him "wake-up-and-smell-the-coffee." You say: I honestly do have an endless amount of love for you, and also: All I want in the world is to right things and make them OK again and at the end: if you ever need anything, you can give me a call. I hope that you don't forget about me and in the future when we have our lives worked out, we can try again. This doesn't read like a typical break-up letter unless you're going for the "let him down easy" tactic. I don't think you really want to leave but I also sense your unhappiness with the way things are. If you want to work things out with him.... and it sounds as if you do.... then, show him the letter, tell him you really want to stay and work it out. Try counseling... but don't use this letter and the subsequent "packing of the bags" unless you are sincerely ready to leave. I think you want to jolt him to attention... but maybe this isn't quite the time or the way to do it. Sometimes, our best intentions backfire. Leave... if you think it will work... but be prepared for him to call your bluff on this, if you carry it out...
Author Spira Posted January 29, 2005 Author Posted January 29, 2005 I actually don't really want to leave, but I have to do what's best for my life. It ended up that I didn't even have to give him the letter. I'll post my break-up story later.
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