Grumbles Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I've been reading loads of threads here and on other forums, and I keep seeing something that bothers me, and that's the "break up out of the blue" phenomena. Now I know that no break up is really "out of the blue", so for the dumpee to feel that way they must have been oblivious to the problems and/or their severity. My own break up was a little like this I guess. I was stressed out and couldn't maintain the active and playful rapport I had with my ex. I fell apart a little bit and wasn't putting as much effort into the relationship. I wasn't communicating as much and wasn't going to see her nearly enough for about two months. I was tired and depressed so I just let things slip. I guess I assumed she'd tell me if I was being boring or the relationship was unsatisfying. I didn't even get that at the end, just an emotional confession that she fell out of love because something felt "off" but she didn't know why. Why do we do this? I know I harbored silent resentment and disappointment in my youth, but why as adults? If we learn that maintaining love and attraction takes work, why don't people speak up when something gets in the way? Do YOU speak up for yourself and your needs? Do you raise concerns about lack of communication, rifts in connection, fading interest, growing boredom, lack of effort or any other issues before they become deal breakers? I know that sometimes I don't. I'll try to fix them on my own first, but will speak up if my efforts aren't matched or the problem doesn't get better. Then again, I'm idealistic and don't give up on relationships unless there really is no hope of it getting better.
iDrumKing Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I think it's safe to say i have some experience with this. My ex GF bottled up problems from me and pulled the trigger on our relationship. Throughout the ENTIRE relationship I told her to speak up if something was bothering her. Nothing. I don't even think scholars know the answer to this mystery
Hoosfoos Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I tried to bring up issues with my exgf that concerned her basic level of respect for me, but over time her "If you dont like the way I roll, there's the door" routine was the way she responded every time. It eventually broke us up. Lesson: dont let your partner get away with this behavior even once. Walk the fck away.
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Me, I always try to communicate problems. I tried on multiple occasions to talk about the problems with the ex. Everytime I tried, all I got was that she needed to be alone right now and then would get yelled at if I even tried to talk to her or ask her to go out. But she would always say that she didn't not want to talk to me again and it made me want to keep trying. Eventually I decided I wasnt going to be her doormat if she wasn't going to tell me what the problems were; so I walked away. Thats when she started telling me what was bothering her and started blaming me for everything. Too late to try and fix anything at that point. Communicating issues or problems is very important. You can't fix anything if you are not aware it is broke.
Never Again Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Hah. This kinda stuff, unfortunately, happens all the time. I was depressed as well and, to some extent, took my ex for granted. TaraMaiden has said on a few threads the following (paraphrased): Each person in a relationship is 100% responsible for their 50% of a relationship. If there were no big reasons for it to end, then it stands to reason that it ended because you both allowed your principles and standards to slip. I like thinking of it in a similar way, just turned on it's head a bit: Each person in a relationship is 50% responsible for 100% of the relationship. There will be times when one partner fails or cannot carry their weight, and it will be up to the other to EITHER temporarily carry them, or communicate that things are not as they should be so that BOTH partners can figure out a solution together. Most relationships fail because people will do the first until they are emotionally drained, instead of knowing when to switch to the second. If you got into a relationship with someone and there WAS an initial attraction/chemistry that got you there, then it stands to reason that the relationship could have continued indefinitely as long as there were no deal breaking issues or incompatibilities. Many relationships fall apart either due to negligence or poor communication skills...and let's face it, the first wouldn't really be a problem if you excelled at the second. We're all guilty of letting our own lives and problems overwhelm us sometimes, and we're all guilty of taking our partners or relationships for granted because "things should just work". Successful relationships are built upon a strong enough foundation where this becomes a non-issue because, if you're making me unhappy or aren't satisfying me, I'll TELL you and not just subtly hint at it. Long ramble short: Most people simply do NOT say what's bothering them. They'd rather "keep the peace" and silently pout until their feelings fade completely due to boredom, neglect, or many tiny-hurts. It's a pain, but I'm sure you find ways around it. 4
Breadimus Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 (edited) Hey Guys, This is how I see it. It would seem that in most cases where a male has been dumped it is because he was not acting like the man the female fell in love with. What does that mean. Well biologically a woman falls in love with a man who takes responsibility, shows leadership, makes decisions, is strong in who he is as a person and is confident in his masculinity. Gradually over time a young man or a man who has not learned or never needed to learn how to be a "leader" in relationship becomes comfortable and loses his self. This could happen because of stress within the relationship, stress outside the relationship and a feeling of distance grows as we take our eye of the prize. A confident and strong woman will tell you something is up, a woman learning what is to be in a relationship will drop hints, or tests to see if you are strong enough to "care" for her and make her feel safe. Eventually if you have not returned to being that "Leader", and a woman who loves you will stay to the very end of her attraction to you, she will dump you out of the blue. But really it wasn't out of the blue. Many young men and men who are going through divorce are on hear saying, 'it was out of the blue' and 'she left me at my worst time'. Well it was not out of the blue, really. Look back on it and really think about what was going on during the last stages of the relationship. And secondly, in my personal experience, I would dump the **** out of my unhappy arse as well. I want the woman I love to be happy with me and for me to a powerful presence in her life, who she can come to for "protection". If I am not like that. I got to man up, take a set back and become Breadimus 2.0. Chalk up the loss as a fantastic loving and joyous learning experience. As a man I think we should learn to identify when things may be going awry, be the leader and initiate communication. Open our loved ones up, because if we truly and deeply cared we would. tl;dr - we know when it is turning to rubbish, we are to fearful to act upon it. We are men, we have to lead. [/b] Edited March 23, 2014 by Breadimus 2
picnicinthepark Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Hah. This kinda stuff, unfortunately, happens all the time. I was depressed as well and, to some extent, took my ex for granted. TaraMaiden has said on a few threads the following (paraphrased): Each person in a relationship is 100% responsible for their 50% of a relationship. If there were no big reasons for it to end, then it stands to reason that it ended because you both allowed your principles and standards to slip. I like thinking of it in a similar way, just turned on it's head a bit: Each person in a relationship is 50% responsible for 100% of the relationship. There will be times when one partner fails or cannot carry their weight, and it will be up to the other to EITHER temporarily carry them, or communicate that things are not as they should be so that BOTH partners can figure out a solution together. Most relationships fail because people will do the first until they are emotionally drained, instead of knowing when to switch to the second. If you got into a relationship with someone and there WAS an initial attraction/chemistry that got you there, then it stands to reason that the relationship could have continued indefinitely as long as there were no deal breaking issues or incompatibilities. Many relationships fall apart either due to negligence or poor communication skills...and let's face it, the first wouldn't really be a problem if you excelled at the second. We're all guilty of letting our own lives and problems overwhelm us sometimes, and we're all guilty of taking our partners or relationships for granted because "things should just work". Successful relationships are built upon a strong enough foundation where this becomes a non-issue because, if you're making me unhappy or aren't satisfying me, I'll TELL you and not just subtly hint at it. Long ramble short: Most people simply do NOT say what's bothering them. They'd rather "keep the peace" and silently pout until their feelings fade completely due to boredom, neglect, or many tiny-hurts. It's a pain, but I'm sure you find ways around it. I figured this out too late... That's life I suppose. I'm slowly getting better but there are still traces of hope that set me back every now and then.
hermitinator Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 (edited) I thought I communicated in the relationship, but realized that my way of "communicating" is initiating a break up as a way to say "I'm not happy". We have done this on-and-off thing due to my lack of understanding that I don't know how to communicate my thoughts and feelings vocally. I made the right decision, for him and myself, but I wish that I went through therapy as to expose this behavior before it kept repeating itself in our relationship. Both of our ideal(s) is that we will come back to each other. He even stated that "I will call you up, Lena, when I am in a more stable frame of mind and lifestyle". Him finally saying, "no" (even if he doesn't understand the reason for the pattern) made me realize that I need to improve my communication and intimacy issues. If not if we rekindle as mature adults, at least for the next relationship and so I can improve myself in interpersonal connections with others. Edited March 23, 2014 by hermitinator
Mondmellonw Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Hey Guys, This is how I see it. It would seem that in most cases where a male has been dumped it is because he was not acting like the man the female fell in love with. What does that mean. Well biologically a woman falls in love with a man who takes responsibility, shows leadership, makes decisions, is strong in who he is as a person and is confident in his masculinity. Gradually over time a young man or a man who has not learned or never needed to learn how to be a "leader" in relationship becomes comfortable and loses his self. This could happen because of stress within the relationship, stress outside the relationship and a feeling of distance grows as we take our eye of the prize. A confident and strong woman will tell you something is up, a woman learning what is to be in a relationship will drop hints, or tests to see if you are strong enough to "care" for her and make her feel safe. Eventually if you have not returned to being that "Leader", and a woman who loves you will stay to the very end of her attraction to you, she will dump you out of the blue. But really it wasn't out of the blue. Many young men and men who are going through divorce are on hear saying, 'it was out of the blue' and 'she left me at my worst time'. Well it was not out of the blue, really. Look back on it and really think about what was going on during the last stages of the relationship. And secondly, in my personal experience, I would dump the **** out of my unhappy arse as well. I want the woman I love to be happy with me and for me to a powerful presence in her life, who she can come to for "protection". If I am not like that. I got to man up, take a set back and become Breadimus 2.0. Chalk up the loss as a fantastic loving and joyous learning experience. As a man I think we should learn to identify when things may be going awry, be the leader and initiate communication. Open our loved ones up, because if we truly and deeply cared we would. tl;dr - we know when it is turning to rubbish, we are to fearful to act upon it. We are men, we have to lead. [/b] That is true. Me, being a 19 year old (now 20) while I had my last relationship will struggle a bit with communication. I will only give him hints and he would get desperate at times. I can really say that this was my biggest flaw on the relationship. Bad thing is, he wouldn't even care about it at all and would get mad when I will say "what was going on". Then I would get the silent treatment. Now I don't really save anything on me. lol Anyways, it's true. Communication is one of the most important things if you're hoping to have a healthy relationship.
lamis Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I felt like I communicated pretty well in the relationship, but I was never feeling disillusioned or anything. I always loved her and it never waned a whole lot. She, on the other hand, was very bad at sort of stopping and thinking about her feelings, which she herself realized. Only two months after she started developing feelings for someone else did she really realize it and realize it was a problem. By the time she communicated the problem I think it was too late. We worked on it for a couple months after that, but I think it was our undoing. She had been unhappy and bored/whatever in the relationship and instead of communicating it to me had an emotional affair, basically.
somedude81 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I was suddenly dumped and she ended it out of the blue. We never had a single fight. Got along really great. Sex was always fantastic and she was always up for it. I never had the impression that she wasn't happy. The only thing that was out of the ordinary was that she seemed tired and stressed the last couple of weeks we were together. I had no idea anything at all was wrong with the relationship and I just thought she was stressed about working during the holidays and having to help with her grandmother who was selling her house. My ex was very involved with the packing. She also lied to me for a week and PRETENDED that she was going to stay at my apartment for a couple of days when in fact she was going to break up with me. She drove to my apartment and brought her overnight bag so that I wouldn't "freak out right away." It's amazing how different our state of minds must have been during our last conversation. Here I was happy to see her again after I had got back from a week and a half long vacation, thinking that we're going to have sex before we go out to dinner, and she was thinking about how and when to bring up the break up talk. She lied to and mislead me.
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