no hope after hooking up on first date?

March 23, 2014

I only read the first page and got stuck on this: Fault? Pointless. So you chose to have sex with him in the moment. I don’t condemn you for it. Believe me, if Keanu Reeves dressed as Neo appeared at my door on a Friday night, with a bottle of Malbec, wanting to have sex, it would probably happen, with no apologies or regrets. I would not condemn Mr. Reeves.

I know how my brain works- or doesn’t. Know how yours does. Then you make choices.

Lots of people condemn first date sex. Possibly this guy does. There are certainly risks and drawbacks, socially, emotionally and physically/health-wise. So maybe just sort out how you feel and think, and proceed from there.

Edited March 23, 2014 by BlueIris

March 23, 2014

I only read the first page and got stuck on this: Fault? Pointless. So you chose to have sex with him in the moment. I don’t condemn you for it. Believe me, if Keanu Reeves dressed as Neo appeared at my door on a Friday night, with a bottle of Malbec, wanting to have sex, it would probably happen, with no apologies or regrets. I would not condemn Mr. Reeves.

I know how my brain works- or doesn’t. Know how yours does. Then you make choices.

Lots of people condemn first date sex. Possibly this guy does. There are certainly risks and drawbacks, socially, emotionally and physically/health-wise. So maybe just sort out how you feel and think, and proceed from there.

And the biggest risk is pregnancy which explains why there are so many single moms

March 23, 2014

Believe me, if Keanu Reeves dressed as Neo appeared at my door on a Friday night, with a bottle of Malbec, wanting to have sex, it would probably happen, with no apologies or regrets. I would not condemn Mr. Reeves.

Hot. "Neo, you're The One!"

I think it's best for both men and women for women to only have sex with men who really care about them. You don't find that out for a while.

March 23, 2014

And the biggest risk is pregnancy which explains why there are so many single moms

True. Not an issue for me, since I can’t get pregnant. And when I could, I always used the most reliable birth control, and made sure my daughters did when they got to be teenagers- short of hysterectomy. So STDs are the bigger risk. But you’re right that there are risks- to him and to her. All the more reason to actually think things through and know yourself, and make choices accordingly.

I didn't have first date sex not because I think it's bad or wrong, but because of the social and emotional factors. (And, of course, Mr. Reeves never appeared.) I did have sex too soon once, but it was only "too soon" because of emotional factors. But I don't assign fault.

Ruby Slippers- Agreed. On everything.

March 23, 2014

I agree with you. But I'm a woman.

I think it's really important for women to listen to how some men view these things. Knowledge is power.

I know for certain that many men can have early sex and still be interested. But women need to understand that other men feel differently, and there is no sure way of differentiating between the two types of men on a first date. That's why we wait. Time reveals all.

I've never had sex on the first date. Soonest was second with my ex husband . We were together many years. (He to this day won't date girls who seem "prudish" (his words) about sex because it shows an incompatibility . I've only ever had sex with a few people. (Mainly because my number of long term relationships)

But, I can say for sure I would never want to date someone who is willing to engage in a behavior and judge for it. I'd be glad to be saved wasting any more time with someone I find repugnant.

But then, I wouldn't ever be mad at myself after choosing to have sex.

March 24, 2014

That, honey, is called slut shaming. Lots of it on here.

He agreed to have sex with you too on the first date and so if it makes you a slut, so is he.

However, personally, I think you did nothing wrong. Did you at least try to get a hold of him?

he did contact me actually, but I just am not feeling his interest is high enough if that makes sense and just going to forget about it. Obviously I fell for everything he said and was stupid, but it felt right at the time. So going to write it off as a learning experience/moment of weakness.

March 24, 2014

I guess things are a bit different with every generation. I guess in general, it's not good to sleep together on the first date -- but I mean, that depends how long you've known each other. I used to mainly end up dating guys I already knew well from work or in my circle as friends. So having sex on the first date was more long overdue than anything. I would just say that yes, it's true many men judge women on that, and I would add that it is very hypocritical of them to do so. Any man who took that sort of thing too seriously would be marked off my list because I don't want to get involved with someone who has serious double-standard issues.

March 24, 2014

I saw this thread last night and wanted to comment, but I was spending quality time with my amazing guy whom I met online 4.5 months ago and slept with on the 2nd date at MY initiation.

To the OP - sleeping with him on the 1st date is not necessarily where you screwed up. You screwed up because you slept with him on the 1st date with the idea you had a strong connection and it would lead to something more. It's very possible the two of you had a strong emotional connection, but it seems there was a disconnect in the physical connection, which for most men, will rule all else out. Only HE knows exactly why the thrill was gone after sex. I think someone else earlier remarked about a certain blind high men are on until after sex. Perhaps he overlooked things. If the sex wasn't great for him, I would imagine that afterwards, those flaws suddenly became more clear for him.

Don't beat yourself up over the fact that you probably had sex with him too soon. Instead, keep in mind that if you are initially attracted to someone and decide to take the plunge early on, don't do it if you are expecting the act to mean something more than what has already been clearly discussed between the two of you. Even then, expect nothing more than the sexual act it is until a real relationship or bond has been definitively established.

actually no the sex was pretty amazing....so trust me when I say this was not an issue.

March 24, 2014

he did contact me actually, but I just am not feeling his interest is high enough if that makes sense and just going to forget about it. Obviously I fell for everything he said and was stupid, but it felt right at the time. So going to write it off as a learning experience/moment of weakness.

There you go. Dust yourself off and try again.

March 24, 2014

There you go. Dust yourself off and try again.

Yeah I don't know what his issue is honestly (we met through friends so we had hung out once before). Sex was really really really good. I mean really.

Unfortunately I just feel pretty crap about the whole situation and him saying we should go away for the weekend (before we had sex) and then completely blowing that topic off when I asked about it after sex. Makes me really really upset. But then I guess he didn't need to take me away for a weekend since he already got what he wanted.

March 24, 2014

Yeah I don't know what his issue is honestly (we met through friends so we had hung out once before). Sex was really really really good. I mean really.

Unfortunately I just feel pretty crap about the whole situation and him saying we should go away for the weekend (before we had sex) and then completely blowing that topic off when I asked about it after sex. Makes me really really upset. But then I guess he didn't need to take me away for a weekend since he already got what he wanted.

Best thing you can do is forget about it and find yourself another boy toy to take you on week end trip

March 24, 2014

Best thing you can do is forget about it and find yourself another boy toy to take you on week end trip

Yeah that is easier said than done. Good sex is very hard to find and we really did have a connection a lot in common, etc. But yeah nothing I can do here.

March 25, 2014

It's really not the OP's fault. The guy was an ass.

There are plenty of guys that won't behave like this. My girlfriend and I slept together before our first date, but I have no intention of letting her go.

I can't believe how many women seem to get used this way. If it makes the OP feel better, I don't think this guy would have stayed even if you had have made him wait 3 or 5 or 20 dates.

I'm not going into whether the guy or the girl is a slut, but the other double standard going on is: after a one night stand, if a guy has no interest in pursuing a relationship then he is an ass or a user. If a woman is not interested in pursuing anything further, she is empowered and doesn't owe him anything.

I guess we have double standards all around.

March 25, 2014

Yeah I don't know what his issue is honestly (we met through friends so we had hung out once before). Sex was really really really good. I mean really.

Unfortunately I just feel pretty crap about the whole situation and him saying we should go away for the weekend (before we had sex) and then completely blowing that topic off when I asked about it after sex. Makes me really really upset. But then I guess he didn't need to take me away for a weekend since he already got what he wanted.

This basically reinforces what i said. I think he was worried about the clingy-ness (perceived or real). Even if he offered the weekend, let him be the one to bring it up again. A lot of guys are scared to death that they will lose their independence, freedom and that everything will change once a relationship of any sort has begun. You have to let him chase you STILL. I think if he contacted you there possibly could still be a chance. Don't pin your hopes on it nor be the one to contact him. Just respond & be cool, normal & happy when you do speak, text, hang out. If it's not with him, this is the advice you should go by next time. Good luck

March 25, 2014

I saw this thread last night and wanted to comment, but I was spending quality time with my amazing guy whom I met online 4.5 months ago and slept with on the 2nd date at MY initiation.

To the OP - sleeping with him on the 1st date is not necessarily where you screwed up. You screwed up because you slept with him on the 1st date with the idea you had a strong connection and it would lead to something more. It's very possible the two of you had a strong emotional connection, but it seems there was a disconnect in the physical connection, which for most men, will rule all else out. Only HE knows exactly why the thrill was gone after sex. I think someone else earlier remarked about a certain blind high men are on until after sex. Perhaps he overlooked things. If the sex wasn't great for him, I would imagine that afterwards, those flaws suddenly became more clear for him.

Don't beat yourself up over the fact that you probably had sex with him too soon. Instead, keep in mind that if you are initially attracted to someone and decide to take the plunge early on, don't do it if you are expecting the act to mean something more than what has already been clearly discussed between the two of you. Even then, expect nothing more than the sexual act it is until a real relationship or bond has been definitively established.

Haha I slept with my boyfriend whom I also met online about 4.5 months ago on the second date too:bunny:

I was also the one to initiate it:lmao: He was too much of a "gentlemen"

I knew very well that as into me as he seemed, I didn't know him well as I had only been chatting to him from the 19th of November and met on the 27th of that month for the first time. A week after our first date I slept with him.

I had sex knowing he could be an @sshole, a user and a liar who lead me on to get sex.

The point was: I was into the sex and new the whole experience would be worthwhile; I would be bummed if he turned out to be a lying user who totally acted like he was crazy about me only to disappear......

I would be disappointed that he is yet another awful person out there, but I wouldn't have been that sad since I have had guys disappear on me after sex twice now, and therefore I KNOW there is a risk that a near stranger MAY NOT be who they seem.....

...if you would be really upset over a guy you have only gone on two or so date son disappearing after sex, don't have sex with him; only go into it knowing that it is just sex, and a relationship or even dating them further are not definite possibilities.

It took me two guys disappearing on me to figure out that I needed to invest less, as both men acted very much into me only to change their minds OR perhaps they both lied the entire time.

March 26, 2014

So I'm going on another short daytime date with this guy. (no chance to have sex on this date)

HOWEVER I feel like I have lost most interest in him due to how he was acting afterwards. Am I reading too much into it? I'm going in with 0 expectations assuming it's probably not going to work out....I just have a bad taste in my mouth about the whole thing.

What do you guys think?

March 26, 2014

You didn't lose much interest. Who do you think you are fooling? If you weren't that interested you wouldn't be going on this date. I think the guy has the upper hand in this right now and you let him get away with lame behavior.

But hopefully I'm wrong and you both like each other a fair bit.

Edited March 26, 2014 by kaylan

March 26, 2014

I love how it is all MY fault and not the guys fault whatsoever. Seriously

And yes he knows we talked about it among a lot of other things. Maybe he is a player and I got played because he said all the right things and before we had sex said we should do this and this next week.

When I asked him about the "plans" in the morning he said oh yeah we could do that sometime and pretty much brushed it off.

Geez, it's not OP's fault. The guy is a douche player who made her think there was real chemistry. Obviously there was not enough for him, so he opted to move on. OP didn't do anything wrong. She was misled, which could happen to any of us. I really get sad when I hear such stories.

March 26, 2014

You didn't lose much interest. Who do you think you are fooling? If you weren't that interested you wouldn't be going on this date. I think the guy has the upper hand in this right now and you let him get away with lame behavior.

But hopefully I'm wrong and you both like each other a fair bit.

Yea I would be going because at that time i did think there was something there. And I would go to make sure if it is still there or not. Wouldn't you?

March 26, 2014

^I don't know if I would. If a chick I really liked did a 180 on me after sex, id have moved on to other options and ignored her nowadays. Id have been mighty turned off. She would likely have ruined her chances for anything substantial.

March 26, 2014

^I don't know if I would. If a chick I really liked did a 180 on me after sex, id have moved on to other options and ignored her nowadays. Id have been mighty turned off. She would likely have ruined her chances for anything substantial.

A few guys on here said I was reading too much into it and he was scared I would get clingy...

March 26, 2014

A few guys on here said I was reading too much into it and he was scared I would get clingy...

That's the guy's problem... not yours.

You put yourself out there, and the guy acted like a d*ck.

NEXT. Don't give this douchebag another shot at you.

March 26, 2014

A few guys on here said I was reading too much into it and he was scared I would get clingy...

and at least one girl:cool:

March 26, 2014

and at least one girl:cool:

Y

Exactly. So a coffee never killed anyone

March 27, 2014

okey dokey...

Well, I hope we don't have to say we told ya so...

Still sounds like wishful thinking on your part.... I mean, why would you want to keep seeing someone who already acts so unthoughtful like this so soon.

I swear... some women really DO seem to have marbles for brains when it comes to men... Sorry... just how I see it.

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no hope after hooking up on first date?

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