Noproblem Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 He got what he wanted so fast ...So yeah, he moved on..... 1
topaMAXX Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I have to somewhat agree with this. I asked several guys in the gym if they would get into a relationship with a woman who slept with them on the first date, and every one of them said yes. Yes, on the condition that they liked her a lot and that she carried herself well and was not someone who slept around all the time. And most of these guys were in pretty good shape, and have options. And a couple of them were manwh0res themselves. Im not saying my little question asking was anything scientific, but it blows a hole in this idea some men have about how so many dudes have a problem with chicks who enjoy certain aspects of sex. It has been my experience that dudes with less active dating pasts tend to be the most judgmental of how a woman behaves sexually. The sluttier men I know are usually not hypocritical about their behavior. They just date and sleep with who they like. I dont think he is an ass at all. Women looking for commitment need to have these conversations about both of their intentions BEFORE sex. I always do this with women, so they dont get the wrong idea. Though I will say Im currently afraid a girl Im dating is going to fall for me quickly. Im taking things slow though and told her Im not rushing for anything serious. Again, this has been the opposite of my experiences. A good portion of my friends are married professionals with high incomes. They universally agree that a girl that gives it up too easy is not long term material. The ones that don't care are my player friends that don't want girlfriends anyway. When I was in my casual sex phase, I felt like this too. Now that I'm looking for something serious, I'd prefer a more classy girl. And, yeah, I go on dates weekly and have slept with 20+ women (and i go to the gym 4-5 days a week). So I'm pretty experienced.
isisisweeping Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 (edited) If he's like that, who wants to be with him anyways. I know plenty of people married (since I was married; most my friends are married) who slept together in the first several dates. I even know guys who wouldn't have participated in a long term relationship if the girl seemed to hung up on sex because of incompatible values. It's certainly not obligatory, but, he took part too so to judge you as less However, don't attack yourself either. If you get that upset about having sex and not having a relationship (because you just don't know that so soon) you should wait. If a guy would leave after sex, he probably would have even if you waited.... but, you just would have had more time to possibly realize that was his plan if the sex wasn't enjoyable in its own right. Edited March 23, 2014 by isisisweeping 1
kaylan Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Again, this has been the opposite of my experiences. A good portion of my friends are married professionals with high incomes. They universally agree that a girl that gives it up too easy is not long term material. The ones that don't care are my player friends that don't want girlfriends anyway. When I was in my casual sex phase, I felt like this too. Now that I'm looking for something serious, I'd prefer a more classy girl. And, yeah, I go on dates weekly and have slept with 20+ women (and i go to the gym 4-5 days a week). So I'm pretty experienced. Everyone has pasts. Its not the 50s anymore, and be prepared to have a woman lie to you if you think you can have an experienced past but she cannot. This kinda thinking is exactly why women lie to their men in the first place. I personally dont mind a woman with a past similar to mine, but Ive never been too crazy with my casual dating life anyways. 3
RedRobin Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Again, this has been the opposite of my experiences. A good portion of my friends are married professionals with high incomes. They universally agree that a girl that gives it up too easy is not long term material. The ones that don't care are my player friends that don't want girlfriends anyway. When I was in my casual sex phase, I felt like this too. Now that I'm looking for something serious, I'd prefer a more classy girl. And, yeah, I go on dates weekly and have slept with 20+ women (and i go to the gym 4-5 days a week). So I'm pretty experienced. ... and I'm not asking you this question... as much as I'm asking other men who are reading this... How are YOU someone worth being in a relationship with if you judge others based on behavior you've engaged in yourself?? I don't have sex with men early for other reasons... Yea, I'm the so called 'good girl'... but if I found out a guy I was dating had this attitude... that he binned women into 'good for sex' and 'good for relationship'.... I'd dump him. And yes, I HAVE dumped men I learned this about... In my world, it is perfectly fine to not want to date people you are incompatible with on values. It is NOT perfectly fine to be a hypocrite. EVER. Also, I prefer men who have discretion and have their own reasons for waiting.... not one whose dick is owned by the woman and can't restrain himself. If you catch my drift. I don't want a guy who sleeps with every attractive woman who throws herself at him, in other words. I'd have my doubts they would be faithful. You know, it works both ways. 4
quidproquo89 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I love how it is all MY fault and not the guys fault whatsoever. Seriously And yes he knows we talked about it among a lot of other things. Maybe he is a player and I got played because he said all the right things and before we had sex said we should do this and this next week. When I asked him about the "plans" in the morning he said oh yeah we could do that sometime and pretty much brushed it off. Its not about fault and I know you haven't slept with someone on a first date before, but it really isn't a good idea, for the reasons I posted earlier. And yes he shouldn't sleep with you and then go cold, its disrespectful. A guy will sleep with you if you give them the chance, its the making them work for it that makes them respect you. Just mark it down as experience, everything happens so we can learn from it
Medium.Lumo Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Interesting view. It's not a common idea - that men should also restrain themselves, but I kind of agree. Although my girlfriend and I had sex before the first date, we had known each other for months, and I never made a move in that time, she started making the moves. Would you say that was restraint? Once she started showing interest it took just over a month. ... and I'm not asking you this question... as much as I'm asking other men who are reading this... How are YOU someone worth being in a relationship with if you judge others based on behavior you've engaged in yourself?? I don't have sex with men early for other reasons... Yea, I'm the so called 'good girl'... but if I found out a guy I was dating had this attitude... that he binned women into 'good for sex' and 'good for relationship'.... I'd dump him. And yes, I HAVE dumped men I learned this about... In my world, it is perfectly fine to not want to date people you are incompatible with on values. It is NOT perfectly fine to be a hypocrite. EVER. Also, I prefer men who have discretion and have their own reasons for waiting.... not one whose dick is owned by the woman and can't restrain himself. If you catch my drift. I don't want a guy who sleeps with every attractive woman who throws herself at him, in other words. I'd have my doubts they would be faithful. You know, it works both ways.
RedRobin Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 A guy will sleep with you if you give them the chance, its the making them work for it that makes them respect you. I hate to be a nit picker... but I'm rather obliged to be on this one point. I don't think making a man 'work' for sex makes them respect a woman. Making anyone 'work' for sex or anything is manipulative. Carrot dangling. Game playing. Waiting for sex for me is all about developing an appropriate level of intimacy in advance. If it feels like 'work', then people aren't in it for the right reasons. Developing emotional intimacy should be fun and mutually enjoyable... and when sex happens, it feels natural and right... and an extension of the intimacy you've developed outside of the bedroom. There are men who are just plain disrespectful, dishonest, ungrateful, and cowardly... and waiting to have sex won't change that. It's just less likely I would have sex with someone only to find that out afterward or even during sex. I want awesome sex. I don't want my enjoyment of it to be altered by having it early with one to many a-holes who don't appreciate me or can't oblige themselves to be mature and gentlemanly about it. THAT is one big reason why I wait... Not because I expect a man to 'respect' me more. 5
RedRobin Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 (edited) Interesting view. It's not a common idea - that men should also restrain themselves, but I kind of agree. Although my girlfriend and I had sex before the first date, we had known each other for months, and I never made a move in that time, she started making the moves. Would you say that was restraint? Once she started showing interest it took just over a month. The way I see it, both people share responsibility for the pace of things. If a guy is looking for a relationship, I feel he shares the burden of waiting for sex until an appropriate level of knowledge or intimacy had developed in advance so as to not make sex awkward or premature. If that includes some restraint on his part... if she is making moves and he doesn't feel they are at that stage yet, then absolutely. It's on him. It's on him to at least have the conversation about intentions, etc. He doesn't get to say after the fact that she let him have sex too early, and now he disrespects her or it's her fault that things got out of hand and things are weird now. His dick is attached to HIS body. Not hers. In your case, it sounds like it was the right thing that you waited. You wanted to get to know her better. Good for you! Edited March 23, 2014 by RedRobin 1
quidproquo89 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 good point, I guess I meant. Don't give it up to early. Your right both partners should help pace dating/relationship. I simply meant, don't get used really. 1
bene Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 (edited) I don't thing it is a matter of "fault" or even double standards at all. It is about who gets hurt and you don't want to be the one who gets hurt. If you are totally OK with the chance that you might never see the guy again then why not have sex with him at first date. It doesn't mean that the guy has to be some giant jerk, he is just a stranger and you don't know anything about his intentions or personality. I suppose a guy would more likely walk away and think 'great, I had sex' and not feel bad about it afterwards. I know that I would be hurt if a guy would disappear after sex and I would wait for a phone call and feel bad if sex didn't mean that he wants to get to know me. This is why I don't put myself in this position (and a guy can of course still dump me after waiting for sex...) The 'amazing connection' usually just means decent communication skills and manners. Edited March 23, 2014 by bene
Imajerk17 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 (edited) Starla your threads read like groundhog day. It goes like this: You meet a guy, hook up with him "way too soon" and then much to your disappointment, the guy treats you poorly/blows you off/"doesn't want a relationship". This has been going on for what, two years?? Ever give this any thought? To answer your question I'm not sure whether you blew it per se, but he didn't feel the same connection you did. Edited March 23, 2014 by Imajerk17 7
Medium.Lumo Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 That's terrible. I'm sure she doesn't deserve to be used in this way. You're probably right, she should give it some thought. Why does she always end up with the same type of guy? Starla your threads read like groundhog day. It goes like this: You meet a guy, hook up with him "way too soon" and then much to your disappointment, the guy treats you poorly/blows you off/"doesn't want a relationship". This has been going on for what, two years?? Ever give this any thought? To answer your question I'm not sure whether you blew it per se, but he didn't feel the same connection you did. 1
Chocolat Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 So I had a date and we had a really amazing connection. I have never slept with anyone on a first date before but it just happened. Obviously I'm feeling pretty terrible about it now since the guy was a bit cold this morning and didnt try to plan another date with me Is there no hope in this one? Did I ruin it? Is there no hope for what? You met a guy and had sex. Asking if there is hope for "it" suggests that you want something other than what you participated in, and that is the problem. There is no fault here. From what you've written, you mutually agreed to have sex. In general, when you agree to have sex with a stranger -- which is all he can possibly be on a first date (unless there is a back story you have not provided) -- you are taking multiple risks, one of which is that you're not on the same page with regard to the significance of the sex. If what you want is to form a lasting r/s with a guy, you might be better served by getting to know him and letting him get to know you. This gives you an opportunity to understand the context of any sex you decide to have. For now, your choices are to wait and see whether he contacts you, or you can reach out and contact him. 3
Emilia Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Starla your threads read like groundhog day. It goes like this: You meet a guy, hook up with him "way too soon" and then much to your disappointment, the guy treats you poorly/blows you off/"doesn't want a relationship". This has been going on for what, two years?? Ever give this any thought? To answer your question I'm not sure whether you blew it per se, but he didn't feel the same connection you did. You took the words out of my fingers, was going to type up exactly the same thing. Your threads are the same OP, every.single.time. What's the point in asking if you aren't going to learn? You are in your 30s if I remember correctly? 2
veggirl Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 That's terrible. I'm sure she doesn't deserve to be used in this way. You're probably right, she should give it some thought. Why does she always end up with the same type of guy? How was she used? Anyone having sex on a first date should understand it's just sex unless it turns into more. There are no promises. If she isn't okay with it being just sex, she shouldn't engage on a first date. Maybe he did really like her prior to sex, maybe something about the sex changed his mind. Who knows. Maybe he was leading her on for the whole date. Who knows. Point is on a FIRST DATE you don't know anyone well enough to assume the sex is anything OTHER THAN just sex. 2
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I saw this thread last night and wanted to comment, but I was spending quality time with my amazing guy whom I met online 4.5 months ago and slept with on the 2nd date at MY initiation. To the OP - sleeping with him on the 1st date is not necessarily where you screwed up. You screwed up because you slept with him on the 1st date with the idea you had a strong connection and it would lead to something more. It's very possible the two of you had a strong emotional connection, but it seems there was a disconnect in the physical connection, which for most men, will rule all else out. Only HE knows exactly why the thrill was gone after sex. I think someone else earlier remarked about a certain blind high men are on until after sex. Perhaps he overlooked things. If the sex wasn't great for him, I would imagine that afterwards, those flaws suddenly became more clear for him. Don't beat yourself up over the fact that you probably had sex with him too soon. Instead, keep in mind that if you are initially attracted to someone and decide to take the plunge early on, don't do it if you are expecting the act to mean something more than what has already been clearly discussed between the two of you. Even then, expect nothing more than the sexual act it is until a real relationship or bond has been definitively established. 1
Ponderinglove Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 So I had a date and we had a really amazing connection. I have never slept with anyone on a first date before but it just happened. Obviously I'm feeling pretty terrible about it now since the guy was a bit cold this morning and didnt try to plan another date with me Is there no hope in this one? Did I ruin it? Men are just all idiots, happened to me after 3 dates which were over one month period. They all just want sex, sex, sex. He disappeared on me and just started making excuses, so as for you, who knows? All the best
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 like I always say. You didn't ruin anything with sex. Either the guy liked you a lot to begin with or he didn't. Seems this guy didn't. Could not agree more... fed up with old school thinking... u either like someone or u dont... if anything having sex with make that connection stronger x 1
xxoo Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Could not agree more... fed up with old school thinking... u either like someone or u dont... if anything having sex with make that connection stronger x I think for some women the confusion is, isn't having sex an indication that you like someone? Why would a guy have sex on a first date if he doesn't feel a connection, doesn't like her? I know the answer is that they have sex to have sex. But it's confusing to women, because we tend to have sex with people we, you know, like! 1
smackie9 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I think for some women the confusion is, isn't having sex an indication that you like someone? Why would a guy have sex on a first date if he doesn't feel a connection, doesn't like her? I know the answer is that they have sex to have sex. But it's confusing to women, because we tend to have sex with people we, you know, like! Guys brains think differently. Women see things on an emotional level and guys see things on a physical level. It's pretty simple. Plus a guy's sex drive is way higher than a woman's. Just think about the horniest you have been, now multiply that by 100 and you get how a guy feels. That is why most (not all) can't say no to sex. Geeez a wind blows over their crotch and they get a hardon. Plus what is going through a guys mind when they get to the cookie right away, is that "she probably will do this with anyone, big red flag". They see it as a girl that can't control herself so she can't be trusted in a relationship. Sorry girls that's just the way the majority of men feel.
smackie9 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 But it is not unheard of that sex on the first date leads to a marriage down the road. I had a one night stand that lead into a relationship. So on the rare occasion it can turn into something meaningful, but it comes at a risk. 1
isisisweeping Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 s. Just think about the horniest you have been, now multiply that by 100 and you get how a guy feels. Plus what is going through a guys mind when they get to the cookie right away, is that "she probably will do this with anyone, big red flag". They see it as a girl that can't control herself so she can't be trusted in a relationship. Sorry girls that's just the way the majority of men feel. 1. Well that's just not consistently true. Sex drive varies by person more than gender. 2. Not most guys I know. Not by a long shot. 3. Gosh I hate the term the cookie. It's unhealthy attitudes. 4. Are you suggesting guys all cheat? Under the same logic that girl "can't" control herself 1
xxoo Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 1. Well that's just not consistently true. Sex drive varies by person more than gender. 2. Not most guys I know. Not by a long shot. 3. Gosh I hate the term the cookie. It's unhealthy attitudes. 4. Are you suggesting guys all cheat? Under the same logic that girl "can't" control herself I agree with you. But I'm a woman. I think it's really important for women to listen to how some men view these things. Knowledge is power. I know for certain that many men can have early sex and still be interested. But women need to understand that other men feel differently, and there is no sure way of differentiating between the two types of men on a first date. That's why we wait. Time reveals all.
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