ladydesigner Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 After Dday i was on another infidelity site and my WH had read my posts on there. He said he felt like everyone was ganging up on him and I later told him the site was for me to get my feelings out and sorry if it made him feel bad but that it was all true. He was more than welcome to read or not read my posts. It may be hurtful for them to read, but they can get a real idea of the damage that the A has caused to not only the BS but to the M as well. My WH did not want to discuss the A in the beginning so I needed a site of support and information to help get me through. I think it is good he saw this as it shows the enormity of the feelings that surround infidelity. The scars run deep.
RightThere Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 so the cologne he wears makes me sick. So what does he do? Sprays it on himself, when he said he wouldn't. He did it again yesterday and all it did was bring up memories of how I used to ask him to top talking to the OW, before I knew she was the OW and he told me there was nothing going on and to not worry about it, or whatever b.s. line he gave me then. His excuse of continuing to wear the cologne is that it won't always make me sick. WTF? It makes me sick NOW that's the point. Dang it. Just for a point of reference, when my STBXW was pregnant, she got sick from chicken. At first it was just the smell of it, but later on, it was the very thought of it in our house and even in our freezer. So do you know what I did? I threw it all out. Pounds of it. Wasted. Why? Because I was willing to do whatever was needed for my wife at the time. Your husband is not. And if he's being this selfish about cologne, you can bet he won't be willing to do whatever it takes to repair your marriage. 3
whichwayisup Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Hey Mr so called husband to your pregnant wife - MOVE OUT and file for divorce if you can't deal with this anymore. You created this mess and your behaviour now is way out there and you need help. You're acting like a spoiled immature brat and putting blame on your wife who has done nothing but give you chance after chance. YOU should be kissing the ground you walk on that she took you back. Stop acting like a child throwing a hissy fit and act like a man, a husband who should be doing EVERYTHING possible to keep his family unit as one. Rid of your ego, your pride and put yourself in your wife's shoes, then maybe you'll 'get' it and grow up. Sorry (sort of) that my words are harsh but man, you're blowing it big time if you don't shape up and see how you are making things so much worse! Confused, ask your husband to go somewhere else for a few weeks. Really this toxic and immature behaviour of his has to stop and the only way HE might wake up is time apart to think and get some one on one counseling. Never have I read about a wandering spouse acting like this. Ever! He is displaying awful rudeness and immature behaviour that has to stop and this pity party he's created has to end as well. 4
janedoe67 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 He may not be actively cheating. But he is still wayward. because he is thinking about himself first - his feelings, his wants, his pain, his comfort. And he is doing it to the detriment of you and your feelings. To the WH who hasn't quite gotten his "F": KNOCK. IT. OFF. Suck it up and listen to your BS and get a grip and work on regaining trust. Stop the emotional manipulation. Because that is EXACTLY what it is. I know because I did it. 4
Fluttershy Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I have not been impressed with your WS since te beginning. My advice is still that you work on you and get him out of your life as much as you can with children. Hundreds of people D and go on to have great lives and healthy relationship with the parents. You can't make someone change and living like this is only destroying you. That is not good for your kids. A strong family unit is and you can be a strong family unit on your own. He is manipulative, selfish and faking remorse. He has done nothing consistently good and is out right lying to those tryin to help you. He wants you to be the bad guy that can't forgive. Well guess what? You can forgive someone a whole lot easier if they aren't stomping all over your feelings everyday/ Look i have seen true remorse in my H and I have seen arrogent jerks fake it woth a family member. Not to mention it on here. Your husband has still failed to show us here true, consistent remorse. Sometimes even remorseful waywards scrww up. They are human after all. But the good should way outweight the bad. 2
petee Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 He's a real gem isn't he? He's caring and loving and has you at his center. The truth is he sounds like a child. Help him to grow up and take responsibility for his own selfish actions. I'm pleased that you've got pregnant, but if he doesn't grow up quickly he'll be no use to you if you still want him. He is the guilty one here, yet he's upset when he reads into your inner soul? A realization of his destructive past and its continued effects. You can do better if you want, but if you stick with him, then I think you have much much more work to do WRT his shady doings in the past. 2
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 I haven't read all the comments here, but wanted to add some things 1) I think my sensitivity is making me misunderstand a lot of what he was doing. He threw out his cologne and apologized and said he wasn't doing it on purpose. He really didn't seem to understand how bad it was. 2)I don't know if I explained that the pregnancy was NOT on purpose and there is no way we would have ever thought this would solve our problems. I don't believe anyone said that, but I guess that's a thought that popped into my mind of what people might think. We are trying to reconnect and save this marriage but we did not try to get pregnant. I am flabbergasted, but that's a long story and more for a health forum than here. He is also doing all he can to make sure I feel better, including getting groceries, picking our son up from school, beign quiet around the house so I can rest. He's showing me his phone if I want it and anything else I want to see. I get on here and I vent a lot when I'm hurting and I don't always explain very well. Is he handling this perfectly? No. Of course not. But he is not as clueless as I often make him sound on here. Hopefully some of you understand I am wearing a filter of pain and anger and it doesn't allow me to see things the way I should at times. I think that's important for me to recognize each time I have a breakdown or get upset and for each of the BSs who are hurting to remember. Now, if a WS is completely unreptenant and throws it inyour face what he did all the time then screw the pain, that person is an ass, but my WS doesn't do that and he is upset and he is going to a counselor and meeting with our pastor and reading books and facing what he did. Some weeks he sucks at it, but he is not someone whose done this before and neither am I. I'm not defending some of the boneheaded things he's done but I am trying to be a little more understanding when he tries to do the right thing and not be so quick to dismiss it. OK> I'll go read some other comments now. :-) 3
frogss29 Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Confusedandhurt, I think what you and your husband are going through is very normal. We are going through EXACTLY the same thing I have days when I am fine Then, something happens and I feel like I am right back to the very beginning of this nightmare and feel so alone....so frightened. And I talk with my husband. He tries , always, to help me through it. But he is human. He is embarrassed and sad and so sick of seeing the damage he has done. He wants it all to go away. He wants just to have the good times. Well, I do too but it isn't that easy. And he knows all that. In the beginning, I wanted to know 'why'. I needed to understand. But over these past few months I have come to understand I will NEVER really know why. I know I have forgiven him. We are working on trust.....not sure how long that will take. 1
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