confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 My husband gave me a beautiful card today. Then he acted weird the rest of the day..very sad. Tonight I finally asked what was wrong. Yesterday I left my computer open and he saw my recent posts and I don't know how many more. He looked like he was going to cry. I am hiding in the kitchen and crying. Cooking dinner too. I never thought he'd see all this stuff...yeah, I know, it's called the damn internet, of course there was a chance he'd see it one day. Regardless....I feel embarassed and sad he saw how bitter and angry I still am.some days. Sorry for typos. I am on my phone.
janedoe67 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 You have no reason to be embarrassed. All you have done is be honest about your pain. Believe it or not, he probably NEEDS to see it. The fact that he is so moved by it is a GOOD thing. It means he has a conscience. (((hug))) 6
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 The hurt in his eyes. Ugh. I know....he has caused some horrible hurt in me for the past couple of years now, not just since I found out, but ugh...I had to walk away and cry. I felt awful. Still do. Trying to watch a movie with our son, but I'm on the other side of the room, feeling very, very awkward. You have no reason to be embarrassed. All you have done is be honest about your pain. Believe it or not, he probably NEEDS to see it. The fact that he is so moved by it is a GOOD thing. It means he has a conscience. (((hug)))
beach Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 The hurt in his eyes. Ugh. I know....he has caused some horrible hurt in me for the past couple of years now, not just since I found out, but ugh...I had to walk away and cry. I felt awful. Still do. Trying to watch a movie with our son, but I'm on the other side of the room, feeling very, very awkward. Well - it's possible you haven't been fully honest with him about how you feel. I can't see anything wrong with him finding out the truth. Get tOgether for alone time immediately and talk about all of it. What he did...and ALL his gory details. Then be completely honest with him about all the crap he did and that it caused you some serious harm. Discuss why he did it! He KNOWS! Yet you two really have avoided that subject. Start talking... It COULD get better! But only if you're both willing to sift through all the stuff you've avoided. 3
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Good ideas, but I'm going to give him a little time first. And we can't talk while our 7-year old is sitting here with us....so immediately isn't a good idea for now. Well - it's possible you haven't been fully honest with him about how you feel. I can't see anything wrong with him finding out the truth. Get tOgether for alone time immediately and talk about all of it. What he did...and ALL his gory details. Then be completely honest with him about all the crap he did and that it caused you some serious harm. Discuss why he did it! He KNOWS! Yet you two really have avoided that subject. Start talking... It COULD get better! But only if you're both willing to sift through all the stuff you've avoided. 1
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Also, he knows A LOT of how this all has affected me. Truly. We had met with an MC in the past, but dropped her when she began to verbally attack us both during sessions. We have had many conversations about what happened and what he did. I've just never said it all..unfiltered...like I do here. Completely open and unfiltered. Well - it's possible you haven't been fully honest with him about how you feel. I can't see anything wrong with him finding out the truth. Get tOgether for alone time immediately and talk about all of it. What he did...and ALL his gory details. Then be completely honest with him about all the crap he did and that it caused you some serious harm. Discuss why he did it! He KNOWS! Yet you two really have avoided that subject. Start talking... It COULD get better! But only if you're both willing to sift through all the stuff you've avoided.
2sunny Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Maybe now he will tell you "why". The 7 year old is perfectly capable of playing in his own room while Mom and Dad have private time to talk. It's necessary. Any delay is just avoiding a needed open, honest talk. Lay it out there. Nothing wrong with saying "your action cut me to the core"! Nothing wrong with saying loving behavior shouldn't include that level of betrayal! 2
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Honestly? I feel sort of like he violated me even more. I come here to work things out in my head and vent. I shouldn't have done that. I should have kept it to my journal. He said he doesn't read them, but he also lied to me for over a year about where he was and how often his ex was sending him messages. I just gathered the ones from the last seven months and put them in my bag. Keeping secrets? No...but keeping my thoughts while I work out my issues, my thoughts. He's heard most of them anyhow, but still....they are mine and most of them are pretty jumbled and completely screwed up by a brain that wasn't making any sense of things in those first few weeks and months, 3
beach Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 And it's perfectly ok to feel whatever you feel. But the marriage will not grow and move PAST the hurt and pain if you don't discuss exactly how you feel. Maybe he shouldn't have read it - but he has. Now you have the opportunity to lay the cards out on the table and decide what to do about it! Avoiding it never helps to begin a new kind of marriage.
BetrayedH Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 "Awkward, party of two." Hey, I feel for you. I'm sure it sucks all around. You're getting some good advice from beach. As tough of a scenario it is, it's an opportunity. It's really common for you to have had (or continue to have) PTSD-like symptoms. If you had any of the weight loss and sleeplessness that I did, then you understand that you've legitimately been thru a trauma. Get honest and make recovery a team effort. As for looking at your stuff, you have to accept being transparent if you're going to require it. Optimally, there shouldn't be any secrets. It's not really a major offense on his part. 3
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 My husband gave me a beautiful card today. Then he acted weird the rest of the day..very sad. Tonight I finally asked what was wrong. Yesterday I left my computer open and he saw my recent posts and I don't know how many more. He looked like he was going to cry. I am hiding in the kitchen and crying. Cooking dinner too. I never thought he'd see all this stuff...yeah, I know, it's called the damn internet, of course there was a chance he'd see it one day. Regardless....I feel embarassed and sad he saw how bitter and angry I still am.some days. Sorry for typos. I am on my phone. Really, you are open and honest, speaking from your heart. Venting at times and also getting stuff out that still is there. You have nothing to be embarressed about. If anything, he should embrace this and see it as a positive instead of sulking about it and being mad that you are seeking help on here. He should try to understand more of where you are in recovery and yeah I'm sure some stuff hurts to read, but he has to remember HE brought this all on. Would he prefer you to go to him for everything thought/fear/worry you have whenever you feel it? My guess is no. Of course you two can talk but you still need a place to vent. This is a long process. I'm sure he wants everything to go back to normal, get on with life and not look back - Maybe he can do that but you can't. Most BS's can't. You can't control triggers or how you feel at times. 1
janedoe67 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 "Awkward, party of two." Hey, I feel for you. I'm sure it sucks all around. You're getting some good advice from beach. As tough of a scenario it is, it's an opportunity. It's really common for you to have had (or continue to have) PTSD-like symptoms. If you had any of the weight loss and sleeplessness that I did, then you understand that you've legitimately been thru a trauma. Get honest and make recovery a team effort. As for looking at your stuff, you have to accept being transparent if you're going to require it. Optimally, there shouldn't be any secrets. It's not really a major offense on his part. I like this. Yes, he needs to know it still hurts. It's going to hurt for a long time. Honestly, in some ways it will always hurt, just like the death of a loved one always hurts even after you have moved through the grief. The pain is part of recovery, and he doesn't NEED to be protected from that. And yes, he's right. IF transparency is going to be part of a M then it DOES go both ways. Honestly, that is something that a lot of BS's do not see. Transparency in marriage means BOTH spouses are transparent, not "the WS must be transparent but I can still sneakily do X." And no, I do not think posting on a forum was sneaky. I think it was/is something you need for support, which is perfectly fine. The only exception to the both ways rule, IMO, is when a BS is snooping to find out if there is an A. Obviously is you are investigating you don't tell your WS "hey, I'm checking your phone to see if you're still cheating." 3
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 I'm guessing that asking him last night if he'd be reading my journals too was a bad move. So...yeah...it's been awkward since last night and today even. He could be reading this now for all I know. Now that he knows my name. And you are all right. There are many things I haven't told him, mainly because he immediately starts in with "You don't want this marriage. You want a divorce. I'll move out." He doesn't let me work through it at all. He says he wants me to but when I talk about issues he doesn't want to talk about he says I'm rubbing his face in it and he doesn't need to be constantly reminded of it because he is reminded every day. In early 2012, apparently, he decided our marriage was over, but forgot to tell me. He started talking to her more and more. By the fall he was meeting with her in person and in the winter he was screwing her. Never once did he stop and think "Hey, I should probably tell the other person in my marriage that it's over." I suppose I was supposed to tell him I was unhappy but he was obligated to show me by running around behind my back and telling her in his actions our marriage was over and even telling her ****ing sister, but never telling...his wife who he intended of emotionally ruining I guess. Well, mission accomplished. Bitter much? Yeah,I know. I'm still seeing a counselor. I think I need to move up my appointment with her. ANd he'd better start talking about what the **** he's been thinking for the past two years and stop moping around the house like he's doing now. 4
janedoe67 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 And you are all right. There are many things I haven't told him, mainly because he immediately starts in with "You don't want this marriage. You want a divorce. I'll move out." He doesn't let me work through it at all. He says he wants me to but when I talk about issues he doesn't want to talk about he says I'm rubbing his face in it and he doesn't need to be constantly reminded of it because he is reminded every day. Speaking from one FWS (me) to another (him), he needs to KNOCK THIS OFF. He betrayed you and hurt you and broke his vows. He needs to shut up, listen, comfort, reassure, and be patient. And that's all I have to say about that. 10
HermioneG Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Speaking from one FWS (me) to another (him), he needs to KNOCK THIS OFF. He betrayed you and hurt you and broke his vows. He needs to shut up, listen, comfort, reassure, and be patient. And that's all I have to say about that. Agreed. It actually reads to me like straight up manipulation on his part. I am not amused by his behavior. 3
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 You are not the only one unamused. Agreed. It actually reads to me like straight up manipulation on his part. I am not amused by his behavior. 2
TaraMaiden Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 If he's the one who cheated on you, why is he playing 'the victim' card? Word of advice, hubby, (if you're reading this): Confused will decide when she can get over this, not you. Your job is to do whatever it takes, for however long she needs, to reassure her and convince her this will never happen again, and that she is number one - above you - and will always be from this day on. And whatever she needs you to do to prove that to her - well suck it up, get over yourself and deal with it. Her job is to accept that this affair happened. Her job is to determine what actions of yours are because you truly love her and have full remorse for your mess-up, and which ones are because you feel that this is what is expected of you. (Hint: make sure it's all the former and none of the latter.) YOU'RE the one who decided it would be a simply topping, splendid idea to explore forbidden territory. So you'd better start making up for your foolish and foolhardy decision. 7
cocahouts Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 It's a hard one...and I disagree and agree with a lot of people here. I think it's good that he's showing remorse and if you gave him a little time and he's trying to reverse the victim card like some said I wouldn't let him. It sounds like you want to forgive him so just talk with him. It sounds like he's tried a whole lot so give it a little time. I wish my wife would read some of my posts....I don't think she totally gets it sometimes 2
beach Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Since he isn't willing to acknowledge your feelings - and openly address what he did to cause you such harm - talk about it ALL - and doing his best to make you feel better about him - I don't see how the marriage is supposed to IMPROVE. If he won't face it head on - and work THROUGH all the crap HE created - all the way to the OTHER side...then there isn't any reason to stay married to a man that avoids the consequences of his actions. That's a coward in my eyes. And then to play mr mopey? What the heck? What a jerk!!! He either faces reality or he can get out.
dichotomy Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Honestly? I feel sort of like he violated me even more. I come here to work things out in my head and vent. I shouldn't have done that. I should have kept it to my journal. He said he doesn't read them, but he also lied to me for over a year about where he was and how often his ex was sending him messages. I just gathered the ones from the last seven months and put them in my bag. Keeping secrets? No...but keeping my thoughts while I work out my issues, my thoughts. He's heard most of them anyhow, but still....they are mine and most of them are pretty jumbled and completely screwed up by a brain that wasn't making any sense of things in those first few weeks and months, This is an anonymous support group. This is were you vent and work things out - it is theraputic. Nothing wrong in using this place - we don't know who you are - who your husband is, etc... Many (or most of us) should know that when people vent here - they may be simply (sometimes) dumping/spewing out random thoughts and toxic residue from our hurts. Its not really who were are at our core and how we think or feel when in a normal place and time. In other words not every thought/feeling what ever expressed here is exactly who we are .....like saying "I want to kill that SOB to and OW or OM..." no we don't want to kill them - but we need to get it out. I say things here - and to my therapist, that are not for sharing or expressing to my spouse. I need to process them - and decide whats real and what needs to be shared or expressed with my spouse - and wish get flushed after I am done expelling them. Do not feel guilty. What you did here or posted here were to get you healthy. 4
chelsea2011 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Well, now he knows how you truly feel. Good first step. 1
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 Talked to him some more today. He is upset because he saw even more of how deeply he hurt me and why he isn't talking is because he is angry and disgusted with himself. It's slamming him more in the face than it did even before. He isn't angry at me, he doesn't feel like a victim. He feels horrified, it sounds like, by how much pain he's caused. He was up last night with panic attacks, he said.I know he went downstairs and stayed down there and he says he threw some things out of anger at himself. I must have been really out because I didn't hear any of it, but he left marks on our one wall. I have witnessed at least one panic attack since all of this came out and it was very scary and I almost called an ambulance for him. Luckily I have panic attacks myself so I had some natural supplements and tricks for him to use that time. He's trying to get in with his counselor and I misinterpreted some of his comments..he feels helpless and feels like he can never fix this, which he can't, unfortunately. He just has to ride the roller coaster of emotions with me and we have to see if we can fix it together. Now I'll go back and read some of the other comments on here. BTW...thanks for the support for me, I know he has read some of your comments from before and I know it has him thinking. I can't expect him to change over night...he has years of behaviors to work through and that's what his counselor has been doing, tearing away layers upon layers of pain and victim behavior, to get to what it all stems from (his mother...a total psycho). 3
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 I told him this too, when he said he'd seen the posts. BTW, I left my computer open, so it's not like he was snooping. That was my fault. I don't have anything to hide from him, really, but I hate him to see what I'm brainstorming in moments of anger and hurt. I told him what I write her sometimes is not what I feel always, it's what I might be feeling at a particular moment. I've felt such hatred toward the OW, but do I really want to kill her? Heck no! I want her to live a long life and suffer through it. (kidding!...er..sort of). People onhere have said, it isn't her you should hate, it's him, but guess what...some days I hate them both and other days I despise her because she went after my husband for a very long time and NO he did not go after her that whole time, but, yes, he did later. This is an anonymous support group. This is were you vent and work things out - it is theraputic. Nothing wrong in using this place - we don't know who you are - who your husband is, etc... Many (or most of us) should know that when people vent here - they may be simply (sometimes) dumping/spewing out random thoughts and toxic residue from our hurts. Its not really who were are at our core and how we think or feel when in a normal place and time. In other words not every thought/feeling what ever expressed here is exactly who we are .....like saying "I want to kill that SOB to and OW or OM..." no we don't want to kill them - but we need to get it out. I say things here - and to my therapist, that are not for sharing or expressing to my spouse. I need to process them - and decide whats real and what needs to be shared or expressed with my spouse - and wish get flushed after I am done expelling them. Do not feel guilty. What you did here or posted here were to get you healthy. 1
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 Huge fight with him today. He's taking offense to every little thing I do now. If I get upset and cry he gets angry at me and today I got yelled at for not talking to him when I was crying and upset. He has told counselors and our pastor that he lets me go and cry and be myself when I am upset, but the truth is he gets upset and keeps asking me what's wrong. If I answer him at the moment I'm dealing with an issue from the A aftermath it's going to come out screaming so I don't say anything. I just cry and usually tell him I can't talk. He claims he'll understand and walk away but instead he acts like a spoiled brat and today he tossed our engagement photo, the only copy I had of it, took photos down, threw things around and stomped out of the house. He was angry because I slept in our son's room and I have been. I have morning sickness right now (please don't ask...but no I didn't have an affair and yes, I tried to keep from getting pregnant while reconciling but we did get pregnant ... I haven't been able to in 7 years and now we have twice in three months, the first ending in miscarriage. I don't know what the hell is going on) so the cologne he wears makes me sick. So what does he do? Sprays it on himself, when he said he wouldn't. He did it again yesterday and all it did was bring up memories of how I used to ask him to top talking to the OW, before I knew she was the OW and he told me there was nothing going on and to not worry about it, or whatever b.s. line he gave me then. His excuse of continuing to wear the cologne is that it won't always make me sick. WTF? It makes me sick NOW that's the point. Dang it. He says he wants me to heal at my own pace...but really? He wants me to hurry the hell up so he can feel better about himself. I sound like an ass here, I know and I know it's been about 8 months since all this broke and I have to be patient while he works to change too, but it just seems like he keeps falling back into the old patterns over and over again, the day after he says he won't do it. It makes me wonder if he'll ever change. WHo knows.He's probably reading this all now.
2sunny Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I hope he's reading this. He's acting like a total jerk who isn't remorseful at all. There's not one reason to stay with him when he's behaving so terribly. And not one reason for you to consider making effort to be nice while he acts that way! He ruined your life! He should be repairing that damage HE'S caused! And as long as he's thinking about how HE feels instead of you - there is no way to fix the M. 3
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