Fell off the wagon - Completely lost.

[EvansR]

About a year ago I posted about this girl I was completely inconsolably in love with, the general advice was to go NC, but I was dumb enough to think I knew better. The essence of the back story is that I met a girl, she now lives in another country, we still talked every day (phone, skype, etc.), but she broke things off with me, citing that I was 'too needy' (she later admitted this was just a line to get out of the relationship). We still talked every day, sometimes for hours a day, we still met up and it invariably led to sex. At this point, it seemed like a relationship, except for the fact that she was also sleeping with other people on occasion (including her former teacher, and a threesome with 2 men she met whilst modelling at a Padel tournament). And then we fast forward to January 2014, where she accepted that we were in a relationship like bf and gf, except she didn't want to be in a long-distance relationship and she was happy with things the way they were. Later on in the month, we planned out that she was to move to England later in the year and move in with me. We'd found a house, planned out the finances, everything. A few weeks later she started going weird on me... Suddenly she'd only ever be talking about this 'amazing, hilarious, incredible, hot' guy she'd recently met. And up until yesterday, she told me they were just friends and nothing more, until last night. That's when she decided to drop her new proposal on me: She was planning on having sex with Oscar, the new guy, and that she wanted to tell me because we were friends (that's why she didn't want to make things official... she didn't want exclusivity). Understandably, I was furious. Here I am, always there for this girl who told me she loves me, and she's planning to f**k some random guy she's known for a couple of weeks! But that's not the worst thing - I mean, if she wants to break things off with me clean and be with that douchebag (he really is the world's biggest douche), that's one thing . But she tells me that she still wants to move in with me in England 'AS FRIENDS' who would have sex. She told me that any relationship between us these past few months has just been something I imagined the whole time, and that I was too clingy, whereas Oscar is just such a free spirit and she doesn't mind that he only wants her for sex because she wants him for sex too...

 

Then I made a rash decision. My mind went frantic, and I started off by asking her to be exclusive with me. She went silent on me for a while, as (as she would later last night tell me) she was planning sex with that guy. Then she said no. I asked if she'd ever have a relationship with me. She said that although she loves me, she'd never date me. Then I asked if she'd ever have a relationship with him. She said yes. She said she didn't want all the gifts and she no longer wanted kisses and cuddles and all that **** she had that same day been telling me she wished I could be there giving her, and that if she was in a relationship with her, there would be more freedom. So that's when I made her an ultimatum, if she didn't want my gifts, she has to return them within 24 hours, along with every £ I've ever spent on her or I would start publicly leaking information which would be very detrimental for her (not like nude pics, and completely legal). She told me not to be stupid and told me I knew she didn't have that kind of money. I told her to find it. This is something I've done before btw, although it's something I never thought I'd have to do against her, and I know it's a really bad idea, and I'd hate to do it, but at this point I'm just really lost. Everything was going well until this ******* went and made a move on her.

 

I've tried going Non-Contact. But I can't remove her number, it's etched in my brain. And removing her from social media doesn't help because the second I start to miss her, I can just open it up, and her profile is public so I can see what's going on with her. I love her. And through everything she's done, I haven't been able to stop loving her for a second. But the fact of the matter is that I can't have her. She still wants to move in with me, she still wants the sexual element, but she wants to be with someone else at the same time. And I know me - and I'm just the kind of guy dumb enough to let her move in with me anyway.

 

I need serious help.

 

Feel free to use the words "You are so f**king stupid", I'm pretty sure I deserve them

[justwhoiam]

She's either polyamorous or not in love with you.

 

If it's the former, it's not for you, you were clearly not made for that kind of deal, and most people are not, this day and age.

 

If it's the latter, you need to drop her because you can't keep her by your side trying to buy her with gifts.

 

Also, I understand asking for gifts back, and she shouldn't have any problem with giving them back to you, except for maybe something that will remind her of you. But asking for money? No, in no way. She didn't ask for money, what you did came from the heart. Moreover, she warned you not to be that sweet and give her so many gifts... You just disregarded what she told you. So you cannot ask for money now.

 

Regarding living together, I'd say that's a very bad idea. You cannot live with that frustration, and I'm afraid it could lead to some insane gesture or drive you crazy. If you live together and she goes out on her own (because she wants her freedom) and has sex with other guys she just met or almost, and you see all that or stay home waiting for her to be back, you will totally destroy your sanity and well-being.

 

So you need to talk to her very quietly and tell her that:

1) you don't feel like living together with her anymore under her terms

2) you are sorry you had that reaction and ask her for money back, but you are firm on your decision to have gifts back

3) you are not cut for her kind of lifestyle and are sorry it took you a while to realize about that and wish her luck in her goals in life

4) you need to cut off communication with her for an undefined amount of time, to heal from the break up and you'll be back if you will feel like it

[EvansR]

The gifts that were made were made when she said she wanted them, it was only last night she decided she never wanted any of it. I wasn't trying to buy her. For example, walking past this shop she saw this camera she wanted, and charmed me into buying it for her (I was in love with her, I was dumb to say yes, but I did). That kind of stuff I would want back. But the clothes I bought her, I don't want that stuff back. Same with bears and jewellery and all that crap. She can keep that. She used me for free stuff, and now she's coming back at me saying that she didn't want it in the first place. Until a few weeks back, she loved the sweetness, I was never this sweet before she came along, she was sweeter than a Disney character! (Before she turned into this sex-crazed bitch)

 

As for being in love, she tells me every night that she loves me, even last night after the argument. But not enough that she'd be exclusive with me, or even date me. Just friends who love each other and have sex...

 

As for living together, the initial idea (before this stuff with Oscar began) was that we would live as a monogamous couple. There isn't a chance that I'd live with her as she is - you're right, it would drive me out of my mind. But we've put deposits down on the house and furniture, working out travel arrangements for her stuff. And that's the money I want back.

 

And I've failed every attempt at Non-Contact, within days mostly. One time I went a week or two, but it's been largely unsuccessful for me.

[TMichaels]

Definition of Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. -- Albert Einstein

 

Get a grip. Get a clue. And, get a life, EvansR. One that has nothing to do with this woman who doesn't give a d@mn about you, only what she get out of you.

 

And, do yourself a BIG favor. Don't get yourself in this situation again -- with this gold-digger or another. Might be time to look for a suitable mate in your own backyard instead of another long-distance fantasy where you have no idea what the person is up to which in your case is most often, no good.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[justwhoiam]

The gifts that were made were made when she said she wanted them, it was only last night she decided she never wanted any of it.

No, you said that in one of your threads last year. She gave you clues, you decided to ignore them. If I love him, I can't imagine telling him I don't want gifts from him, unless it's wise for our finances or we have a goal in mind and we need to save up money.

 

she charmed me into buying

This kind of trick can work once a year, for Christmas or for her birthday. Do not do that anymore for other occasions, unless she's your devoted wife. You'll get rid of gold-diggers, as TMichaels said and you won't spoil your gf. A gift is something special, never something due. And special things should be occasional. Otherwise it turns to a habit and something she can demand...

 

I was never this sweet before she came along, she was sweeter than a Disney character! (Before she turned into this sex-crazed bitch)

Please reread all that you wrote in your past threads, because something doesn't add up here. She claimed you were too sweet, too giving, etc.

 

She is using you for the sex and to provide a home for her and all the gifts and extras she wants. If you put in money for her own arrangements, I would say expenses for the move should be 50/50. So you should split the cost. If she put in NO money, then ask her for half back. Anyway, you didn't have any written deal, so it'll be hard to have any money back. I guess this kind of experience will stay long with you. But don't let it ruin your relationship with other women in the future.

 

And I've failed every attempt at Non-Contact, within days mostly. One time I went a week or two, but it's been largely unsuccessful for me.

I know it's hard, I can't say it's easy. But men must be strong. There are men who climbed mount Everest, come on. You can do it. Challenge yourself.

[EvansR]

No, you said that in one of your threads last year. She gave you clues, you decided to ignore them. If I love him, I can't imagine telling him I don't want gifts from him, unless it's wise for our finances or we have a goal in mind and we need to save up money.

 

This kind of trick can work once a year, for Christmas or for her birthday. Do not do that anymore for other occasions, unless she's your devoted wife. You'll get rid of gold-diggers, as TMichaels said and you won't spoil your gf. A gift is something special, never something due. And special things should be occasional. Otherwise it turns to a habit and something she can demand...

 

Please reread all that you wrote in your past threads, because something doesn't add up here. She claimed you were too sweet, too giving, etc.

 

She is using you for the sex and to provide a home for her and all the gifts and extras she wants. If you put in money for her own arrangements, I would say expenses for the move should be 50/50. So you should split the cost. If she put in NO money, then ask her for half back. Anyway, you didn't have any written deal, so it'll be hard to have any money back. I guess this kind of experience will stay long with you. But don't let it ruin your relationship with other women in the future.

 

I know it's hard, I can't say it's easy. But men must be strong. There are men who climbed mount Everest, come on. You can do it. Challenge yourself.

 

Sorry, after reviewing what I said last year, it made me remember a few things I think I opted to erase from my memory. But she did like all the gifts and sweetness and everything for these past few months at least, up until a few weeks ago where she started one-wording me when we talked, even when she started the conversations.

 

And it's not like the gifts were constant. They were for things like birthdays, anniversaries, and when we met up it was special, so I bought her stuff. Honestly, I don't think she was in it for the gifts... I'm just mad at her, so making her out to be such a gold-digger makes me feel better about having to let her go. Wow, that sounds so dumb...

 

I do however, believe she was using me for somewhere to live when she returns from Spain permanently. But I don't think she's using me for sex... surely if that was the case, she wouldn't be looking for it in other places too, right?

 

I guess you're right about the money. I won't bring that up again with her, it was dumb of me to get so petty over a few hundred £s and a couple of gifts. Maybe a clean break would be best...

 

I'm struggling already to let go of her though. It's only been about a day since we spoke and I miss her. She messaged to check up on me earlier, but I didn't respond.

 

You said in your earlier message that I should message her explaining the situation:

"you need to talk to her very quietly and tell her that:

1) you don't feel like living together with her anymore under her terms

2) you are sorry you had that reaction and ask her for money back, but you are firm on your decision to have gifts back

3) you are not cut for her kind of lifestyle and are sorry it took you a while to realize about that and wish her luck in her goals in life

4) you need to cut off communication with her for an undefined amount of time, to heal from the break up and you'll be back if you will feel like it"

 

But should I actually start up a conversation with her about this, or should I just leave things as they are and try my best not to contact her, then tell her when I've healed?

[TMichaels]

But should I actually start up a conversation with her about this, or should I just leave things as they are and try my best not to contact her, then tell her when I've healed?

 

Once more as you apparently didn't understand the first time:

 

Definition of Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. -- Albert Einstein

 

DON'T contact her EVER! FFS, grow a pair, and move on!

 

Best,

TMichaels

[EvansR]

Once more as you apparently didn't understand the first time:

 

Definition of Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. -- Albert Einstein

 

DON'T contact her EVER! FFS, grow a pair, and move on!

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Thanks for responding, but it isn't as simple as that.

She is coming back to England, and she is expecting to live with me "as friends".

I can't just dodge her until she works out she's got nowhere to live, surely if I grew a pair, I'd tell her straight that I don't need her as a friend and wouldn't want to live with someone who acts the way she does rather than just go radio silent until she gets the picture.

[TMichaels]

Thanks for responding, but it isn't as simple as that.

She is coming back to England, and she is expecting to live with me "as friends".

 

If that's not what you want, then FFS pull the plug -- NOW!

 

She's already proven AND SAID to you that she doesn't consider you boyfriend material. How much more writing do you need on the wall?

 

Sometimes EvansR, you have to learn lessons the hard way. And, this is one of those times.

 

Suck it up and chalk it up to a BIG learning experience, and then DON'T repeat the mistakes you've made time and time again with this girl or any other for that matter.

 

LEARN from your mistakes, don't repeat them. What is it you don't understand about the importance of that concept? Unless, of course you crave self-flagellation and have no sense of pride or self-respect at all.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[EvansR]

If that's not what you want, then FFS pull the plug -- NOW!

 

She's already proven AND SAID to you that she doesn't consider you boyfriend material. How much more writing do you need on the wall?

 

Sometimes EvansR, you have to learn lessons the hard way. And, this is one of those times.

 

Suck it up and chalk it up to a BIG learning experience, and then DON'T repeat the mistakes you've made time and time again with this girl or any other for that matter.

 

LEARN from your mistakes, don't repeat them. What is it you don't understand about the importance of that concept? Unless, of course you crave self-flagellation and have no sense of pride or self-respect at all.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

I pulled the plug.

But I didn't do it through silence, I severed my connection with her. She wanted to live with me as friends, so I told her that is not what I wanted, and it would not be what I allow myself to get into. I wished her the best of luck, and apologised for being so petty about the gifts. I have not said a word since then.

 

She, on the other hand has been blowing up my phone with messages. 102 of them to be exact. The summary of it is: she has now had sex with the guy last night but only because she was "feeling lonely" (incidentally, she says she hasn't heard from him since he left in the morning... surprise surprise), she told me that she needed to live with me when she gets back to England or she'll be homeless, she told me that she wants to be exclusive with me, but only when she gets to England, she told me that she loves me, she told me that she needs me and can't live without me... etc etc.

 

You're right though. Everyone has always been right about her. She doesn't want me, she's just using and manipulating me. Once she gets her way, I'm sure she'll turn the way she is now.

 

I'm not responding to these messages, I'm going NC. I'm just hoping I don't screw it up again...

[justwhoiam]

If you can, change your phone number. That's the wisest thing you can do, because she has had no concern about you. She needs to find some fool who is not you.

 

She is trying way too hard for someone who just had sex with someone else and attracted to men in the street etc. She might play the card of "he was no one to me" or "i realized i love just you". We both know nothing good will come by being with this girl.

 

Chances are she might be at your door soon. Do not let her in. For no reason. Should she announce herself through the intercom, if you have video, simply pretend you're not there. If you don't have video, just tell her not to stalk you or you will report her to the police. Do not give in. As TMichael said, grow up a pair.......

 

You need to be firm or your troubles will quintuple, and soon you'd be in an ocean of trouble. And no matter how well you can swim, you are bound to drown. With that in mind, I'm sure you'll be able to keep her at a distance.

 

Don't break NC.

[EvansR]

I'm now on my 5th day of NC.

 

It's just as hard as on day one, if not, even harder because I'm starting to miss her so much.

 

And to add insult to injury, she messaged me this morning saying hey and asked me if I was still alive. I want to ask "how did you get my new number?", but then I'd be talking to her and ruin the whole point of NC. She must have got it from my sister... Why would she still be contacting me?

 

How long does it take before a person is no longer tempted to break NC? When will I get used to being without her permanently? When will she stop being on my mind most hours of the day? I seriously do want to be "healthy" and just forget about her. Is there a way to speed up the process?

[Zahara]

She must have got it from my sister... Why would she still be contacting me?

 

she's just using and manipulating me. .

 

 

You know why she is contacting you. You said it yourself.

 

And why wouldn't she contact you. You're easy to manipulate to get what she wants. And she'll be homeless so she has to keep trying to secure you as a back-up, get you back in her corner.

 

And tell your family members to ignore her and stop passing information about you to her.

Edited March 28, 2014 by Zahara

[TMichaels]

And to add insult to injury, she messaged me this morning saying hey and asked me if I was still alive. I want to ask "how did you get my new number?", but then I'd be talking to her and ruin the whole point of NC.

 

You're correct, so don't do it. The more your distance yourself from her the easier and quicker the healing process will be.

 

Block her number/email on your phone which is what you should have done in the first place when you got a new number.

 

Then, do as others have suggested which is talk to your friends and family and tell them the two of you are done and you don't want them providing her with any information about you including giving her your new phone numbers.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited March 28, 2014 by TMichaels