Pluto11 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 My boyfriend of six years is leaving at the end of the month. He's moving About seven blocks away from me with his friend. I'm 29 and he's 39. This is the most painful experience of my entire life... As I'm sure many here can relate. At one time we loved each other more than anything. And we knew we were soul mates. He would say things like "I can only love you, know this". Now he doesn't believe in soul mates. We had a couple of terrible years which included name calling of all kinds, trust issues (no cheating), and some violence. It was a fairly volatile environment. I made many mistakes due to my own personal hangups and taking him for granted. I am ready to take responsibility for who I was, and take the time to change... Long story short early February we had a physical argument which cause him to leave. He stayed at cafes, friends, wherever, occasionally sleeping at home. He told me it was over at that point because he wanted to focus on changing himself, and becoming self confident again because I destroyed that for him. He wants to be open to anything instead of having restrictions because of me (I used to try to control things, everything). So he said he would stay until the end of March. Mid March I learned that he had found a place. He made his decision. He finally came home to live here until the end of the month. Now I've begged pleaded, asked if we could just take a break, told him that his walking out the door made me realize what was truly important to me, and how I absolutely need to focus all my energy on becoming a better person for me/us. He told me that I need to do it for me not him. Understandable but I want a future with this man! His complaints about our relationship: I depended too much on him (financially, emotionally, etc) I nagged, criticized, beat him down, name calling, violence. He did these things too... But I think I was the main instigator. He thinks I just don't like him, and that I'm better suited for someone else. He says he doesn't know what he feels for me anymore because of the way I treated him, understandable He says we just have different personalities. This is what he's saying: We need to move on If you let something go maybe it will come back He doesn't see a future for us based on the information he has He wants me to let go and focus on myself When I told him I want to be with him again, he told me that I have a lot of changes to make. When I told him I want to be with him he told me he has to go to figure out what's right for him. He says that any things possible and although he doesn't see a future that its possible. He says he needs to leave so there is urgency to change.. He says that leaving will help him move on from the toxic relationship and Maybe he can focus on the positives of our relationship then, he said things are always seen fonder in foresight. I need help with what I should do while he's here for the next ten days. Should I try to make this time happy so he can remember me in a positive way? For my eventual goal of reuniting. And what do I do when he leaves????? This is honestly crushing my soul. And I want nothing more than to show him the love he deserves, the love I took for granted. I am a complete mess right now.
lvroflife Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 First off, from reading your story you two need space from each other. RIGHT NOW the relationship is toxic, and emotions are EXTREMELY high! He has clearly made the decision to go, and YOU HAVE to respect that. You both need things to cool off before deciding anything. YOU need to do exactly as he said change for YOU not him. He needs to regroup and become himself again. You have to LET HIM GO. That is the tough part! But now is when you will need your family and friends. You have to switch the focus to YOU. you are going to go through hell! It is going to be tough. Let all the emotions come through and let them do what they have too. Do not hide them or bottle them up! Let them flow For the next 10 days be as cordial as possible and work on accepting his decision. The more you push for him to work it out or stay he more he is going to go further and further away. Show him you respect the decision and begin to heal and focus on you.
pickflicker Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 You definitely need some space from one another. What the future holds is anyone's guess, but you should use the "now", to focus on getting some help for your anger issues.
Author Pluto11 Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 First off, from reading your story you two need space from each other. RIGHT NOW the relationship is toxic, and emotions are EXTREMELY high! He has clearly made the decision to go, and YOU HAVE to respect that. You both need things to cool off before deciding anything. YOU need to do exactly as he said change for YOU not him. He needs to regroup and become himself again. You have to LET HIM GO. That is the tough part! But now is when you will need your family and friends. You have to switch the focus to YOU. you are going to go through hell! It is going to be tough. Let all the emotions come through and let them do what they have too. Do not hide them or bottle them up! Let them flow For the next 10 days be as cordial as possible and work on accepting his decision. The more you push for him to work it out or stay he more he is going to go further and further away. Show him you respect the decision and begin to heal and focus on you. Thank you. It's so hard to let go and move on when I know I basically had a huge role in this relationship ending. I have been addressing these issues I have for the past two months but my progress wasn't enough. I feel hopeless so it's hard for me to actually focus and get anything done. I feel in complete despair. This man loved me more than anything and because of my behaviour I lost him. That hurts more than anything. It's so hard to do anything positive. At work I'm in tears...
Author Pluto11 Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 You definitely need some space from one another. What the future holds is anyone's guess, but you should use the "now", to focus on getting some help for your anger issues. Fair enough. I have been focusing on this for the past two months. I haven't been violent in any way and he hasn't either. I never was a violent person prior to these past two years. I actually was very solution orientated. By violence I mean slamming doors, yelling, passive aggressive behaviour and rarely physical violence instigated by both of us. But I'm finished with reacting to whatever I think are "problems" in a way that's just unhealthy and not constructive... But it's too late for us. This is what is killing me. No matter what I do, he lost his love for me. I betrayed his trust and his can never forgive me. I hate myself for this. I was too immature and selfish to think of anyone but myself. Now I just feel like ending everything.
lvroflife Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 I know the pain seems unbearable. But you were happy before him and you will be happy after him!! Just remember THE PAIN YOU FACE TODAY WILL BE (PART OF) YOUR SOURCE OF STRENGTH TOMORROW.
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