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Really complicated situation

lozzie

By lozzie
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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lozzie New Member

lozzie

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Hi there - I'll try and keep it simple but it's a really complicated situation going with my ex. My ex and I dated for 2.5 years, and we were really happy - we really were. I've never been happier, and we had the most amazing time together. We spoke about our future etc - I was going away the next year for a few months, but all of a sudden (two days after we had a fantastic day together), he broke up with me (on new years day actually) - saying he needed time to find himself. I was devastated, utterly distraught because I loved him more than anything. He messaged me the next day, desperately wanting me back, saying he made a massive mistake but when he broke up with me he said that he had thought about it for two months and that stopped me from taking him back instantly. I asked for two weeks NC and to talk after that, depending on how we felt.

 

Two weeks went by. I still felt horrible - crying every day, I lost 4 kilos (I weighed 53 kilos - 116pounds- at the time) and struggled to deal with it everyday. We finally spoke, and while I was hesitant, because he hurt me, we started the process of getting back together. After a week of dating, he said that he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore and said he needed time to "make big decisions" and to "find himself". At first, I was okay because we wanted to stay close and both thought that it could be a break. We decided that we would take a break until I got back from my trip the next year, which was hard, but we thought it was for the best.

 

It was alright for two months, we talked all the time (because we found it hard not to) and he went to uni whilst I worked. We both found it hard because we wanted to be together, but he couldn't give me a relationship, he said. Until, last week, he texted me after I finished work and told me he had hooked up with someone else - we had discussed this, but both had said we had no intention and weren't keen on the idea. I was distraught. He had been my first real boyfriend, and whilst he had other girls before me, we had been together so long and we still wanted to stay attached, and I felt so betrayed. We had a huge fight, and he was so apologetic for hurting me. He said that I was "his ideal girl" "he would never find anyone like me" and that he would be "devastated if we never spoke again". We still talk, and we still plan on being close and working things out next year, but he still won't commit himself to not hooking up and it kills me. Everyday I worry, and I'm feeling like the toll of going through this friends-but-not-friends scenario is too hard. I'm so worried about the next time he'll tell me he hooked up, and when he first has sex with someone else. I know we're both single, but I just can't deal with the whole "I want you but I can't give you a relationship" cherade and is total inability to justify hooking up or to say he will stop. He just says I need to get over it and deal with it.

 

So my question is - do you think I should keep going? Should I give up/let go of what we had? Should I do NC? Everyone tells me that I should be single when I go away, and that to be with other people, but I still love him with all my heart and it's so hard to let go of what we had, or hook up, without feeling like I'm betraying my feelings. What should I do? I'm so lost and I feel so horrible all the time, but I don't know what to do.

 

P.S I'm sorry for the long post, but that's as simplified as it can be haha

Edited by lozzie
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KaliLove Established Member

KaliLove

Posted
Posted

He's got the ideal situation going on right now. He gets to keep you as a quasi-girlfriend, to have you when he wants you and then walk away when he doesn't, and he gets to be free to date and sleep with other people. Lucky him!

 

Yes, you need to walk away. Your situation is not at all unique..it's quite common actually. You're giving him what he needs from you without asking for anything in return, like commitment.

 

Don't make plans with him for the future..that keeps you tethered to him and unable to let go. You need to get it through your head that this relationship is over. Over. If he ever does come back, you have to start a brand new relationship, and he will have to work hard to prove to you that he won't abandon you again. But you cannot assume this will happen.

 

You need to go NC and move on. It's over.

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