did any of you contact or get contacted by the ex to 'make peace'?

March 22, 2014

in my time looking through breakup threads, I have come across a common theme:

a person gets contacted by their ex (could be the dumper or dumpee, but usually the former) to try and 'make peace' with them and get on 'good terms' with them.

the reasoning is that when you breakup you both will often say some nasty hurtful things, in the heat of the moment. fast forward months or years and in theory you are both 'over' the breakup and more clear-headed, and one person usually tries to contact the other to try and 'clear the air', make peace and get on good terms with them again.

apparently this is ridiculously common. so... have YOU ever reached out to your ex to try and do this? why? what was your motivation? has an ex ever reached out to you to try and do this? how did you react?

for the record, I NEVER reached out to do this, when I am done I am done. and the few exes who hurt me (badly) who did do this, when they reached out to 'make peace' I was extremely rude to them in my response and made clear that things were not, nor would they ever be, 'okay' between us. you can't break my heart, leave me in a terrible emotional mess, and then two years later contact me to say "hi" and expect me to say "hi" back and be cool. don't work that way.

so, this ever happen to you? how'd you react?

March 22, 2014

in my time looking through breakup threads, I have come across a common theme:

a person gets contacted by their ex (could be the dumper or dumpee, but usually the former) to try and 'make peace' with them and get on 'good terms' with them.

the reasoning is that when you breakup you both will often say some nasty hurtful things, in the heat of the moment. fast forward months or years and in theory you are both 'over' the breakup and more clear-headed, and one person usually tries to contact the other to try and 'clear the air', make peace and get on good terms with them again.

apparently this is ridiculously common. so... have YOU ever reached out to your ex to try and do this? why? what was your motivation? has an ex ever reached out to you to try and do this? how did you react?

for the record, I NEVER reached out to do this, when I am done I am done. and the few exes who hurt me (badly) who did do this, when they reached out to 'make peace' I was extremely rude to them in my response and made clear that things were not, nor would they ever be, 'okay' between us. you can't break my heart, leave me in a terrible emotional mess, and then two years later contact me to say "hi" and expect me to say "hi" back and be cool. don't work that way.

so, this ever happen to you? how'd you react?

NC for 6+ months , Nothing from current EX... May be he will never reach out .. But yeah with my previous ex , he did reach out after 1 year indirectly. He was getting married , i was fine so i reached out and wished him( he dumped me horribaly after 3 years of relationship)

March 22, 2014

NC for 6+ months , Nothing from current EX... May be he will never reach out .. But yeah with my previous ex , he did reach out after 1 year indirectly. He was getting married , i was fine so i reached out and wished him( he dumped me horribaly after 3 years of relationship)

I get over breakups harder than most people. There was a girl from TWELVE YEARS AGO who is long married and has a child with a guy now (I peeked at her facebook) and while I am pretty much over her, if she were to contact me I am CERTAIN it would bring up old painful memories. all the other exes are the same.

I just like to pretend my exes are DEAD, they could not contact me even if they wanted to because they are DEAD.

And any contact from them, whatever the reason, is a big sign saying "I am not dead. I am okay. the reason I am not with you is not because I am dead, it is because I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU".

Much rather delude myself into believing she is dead.

March 22, 2014

I get over breakups harder than most people. There was a girl from TWELVE YEARS AGO who is long married and has a child with a guy now (I peeked at her facebook) and while I am pretty much over her, if she were to contact me I am CERTAIN it would bring up old painful memories. all the other exes are the same.

I just like to pretend my exes are DEAD, they could not contact me even if they wanted to because they are DEAD.

And any contact from them, whatever the reason, is a big sign saying "I am not dead. I am okay. the reason I am not with you is not because I am dead, it is because I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU".

Much rather delude myself into believing she is dead.

May be you were never over your Ex. When you move on to someone new and when that Ex reach out to you , it should feel like its all gone , so much time has passed and it's just distant memory. You might feel little hate/anger but you should be fine. When my previous EX reached out to me with his " wedding " news , i was fine because i moved on. Even at this moment when my current ex dumped , if my previous ex contacts me again , i would be okay again. I dont see him in that light , its all gone . Honestly , i dont even like him. And its good that we broke up hahah

March 22, 2014

May be you were never over your Ex. When you move on to someone new and when that Ex reach out to you , it should feel like its all gone , so much time has passed and it's just distant memory. You might feel little hate/anger but you should be fine. When my previous EX reached out to me with his " wedding " news , i was fine because i moved on. Even at this moment when my current ex dumped , if my previous ex contacts me again , i would be okay again. I dont see him in that light , its all gone . Honestly , i dont even like him. And its good that we broke up hahah

I don't think you ever 'get over' being dumped by someone, if you truly loved them.

when I was a kid I remember when one of my grandparents died. if my youthful ignorance, I asked one my parent how long it would be until they "got over it" and they responded with "you don't EVER get over the death of someone you truly loved. you just learn to live with it".

I think a dumping is the same. you never really "get over it", you just gradually come to accept that it happened and there is nothing you can do about it.

March 22, 2014

My ex contacted me about 5 months post break up after a 6 year relationship to "make peace" and "get closure". It was completely self serving on her part and nothing to do with me. She said she didn't want to hate me anymore or me to hate her. I told her that closure comes for within, I can't give that to her. She also made it a point to let me know that she was in a new relationship. I have not talked to her since.

March 22, 2014

in my time looking through breakup threads, I have come across a common theme:

a person gets contacted by their ex (could be the dumper or dumpee, but usually the former) to try and 'make peace' with them and get on 'good terms' with them.

the reasoning is that when you breakup you both will often say some nasty hurtful things, in the heat of the moment. fast forward months or years and in theory you are both 'over' the breakup and more clear-headed, and one person usually tries to contact the other to try and 'clear the air', make peace and get on good terms with them again.

apparently this is ridiculously common. so... have YOU ever reached out to your ex to try and do this? why? what was your motivation? has an ex ever reached out to you to try and do this? how did you react?

for the record, I NEVER reached out to do this, when I am done I am done. and the few exes who hurt me (badly) who did do this, when they reached out to 'make peace' I was extremely rude to them in my response and made clear that things were not, nor would they ever be, 'okay' between us. you can't break my heart, leave me in a terrible emotional mess, and then two years later contact me to say "hi" and expect me to say "hi" back and be cool. don't work that way.

so, this ever happen to you? how'd you react?

Funny you mention, I did this exact same thing yesterday. My ex broke up with me 6 months ago and we got I a spat a month after we broke up on the phone which ended in me saying some nasty things. She blocked me from texting and calling so I sent her a Facebook message asking her for forgiveness for what I said. I don't care if she responds, I just felt the need to get it off my chest so I don't dwell on it and can move on. After all, she broke up with me and in hind sight it was the best thing that could have happened. I was in a miserable relationship and stuck around just for sex/attraction.

Edited March 22, 2014 by ponchsox

March 22, 2014

Once I was contacted by three of them within 2 weeks time. I have no idea what happened to cause that except we all were getting close to 50. At this age people are asking themselves big questions.

They all asked the same thing: "What happened to us?"

One loved to provoke arguments, one was too negative about life and too dependent on his parents for me, one never seemed that into me except sexually and was always talking about how cool other women were.

I think with two of them were looking for a mid-life affair, they were having big problems in their marriage. Wasn't interested. The reasons we broke up were still true and I was thankful for my judgment as a kid in her late teens and early 20s.

I reached out to one ex that broke up with me, my first love, 20 years later. After we moved in together (I was 19) he went to art school and stopped contributing financially. A friend told me he had hit on her and I believed it, I had been warned by several people he was a player even though he seemed too sweet to be 'like that'. Now I know that's the best player cover!

I confronted him about what my friend said (he denied it) and I told him he needed to get a job or leave, so he left. Broke my heart he made that choice, but it said everything. He seemed like he was going to be a loser, but he actually became very successful as an artist. His wife is his manager.

I called him 20 years later and the first thing he said after recovering from the shock of me calling was: "Are you married? Because I am and I'm miserable." Oops. He then hit on me! Didn't even hesitate. After I made it clear I wasn't interested he bragged about how much money he had, how successful he was. I'm sorry, his wife may be living in luxury but she's with a major loser.

The call made me feel *so much better* about standing up for myself when though his response broke my heart.

So in every case, I felt good about the way things went. I am SO thankful for my husband. It hugely increased my appreciation for him and I'd say I work even harder at our marriage because of those encounters.

March 23, 2014

My ex contacted me about 5 months post break up after a 6 year relationship to "make peace" and "get closure". It was completely self serving on her part and nothing to do with me. She said she didn't want to hate me anymore or me to hate her. I told her that closure comes for within, I can't give that to her. She also made it a point to let me know that she was in a new relationship. I have not talked to her since.

"completely self-serving", you hit the nail on the head. most of these contacts to "make peace" arent really about making peace, it is about them alleviating their guilt.

If they feel guilty for the appalling way they treated me then good, I am not going to say anything to make them feel less guilty or give them the impression things are "okay" between us.

one ex contacted me after two years and I was very very rude to her, she asked about me and how I was going and I told her nothing - the only thing I said to her was that her contacting me was extremely rude and she should never do it again.

I dont regret that in the slightest.

March 23, 2014

My last ex contacted me several times to make sure things were "okay" before she vanished for good.

What I've noticed as a common pattern is:

Dumpers often reach out to alleviate their guilt ESPECIALLY if they ditched the relationship without an ouch of effort to fix it first. They know they hurt someone and never gave it a fair shot, and while they're still "done", they don't want to be hated for actions they know were selfish at best.

Selfishness followed by more selfishness.

Best to ignore all contact no matter the reason.

March 23, 2014

My ex wanted to stay in contact and remain friends to alleviate his guilt for sure. He would say things like, "It wasn't a bad breakup, and I don't want you to be mad at me." He went to great lengths to write a script where he came off as a good guy. I think NC is one of the worst punishments I could give him ironically. I full expect him to contact me again in an attempt to get on good terms, but it's all selfish.

March 23, 2014

My ex wanted to stay in contact and remain friends to alleviate his guilt for sure. He would say things like, "It wasn't a bad breakup, and I don't want you to be mad at me." He went to great lengths to write a script where he came off as a good guy. I think NC is one of the worst punishments I could give him ironically. I full expect him to contact me again in an attempt to get on good terms, but it's all selfish.

he doesn't care how you really are, he just doesn't want to feel guilty.

in 2012 I was dumped by a girl I had seen for about two months, and she gave me every cliche in the book. she said she wanted to "stay friends" and she assured me SHE MEANT IT, that she wasn't 'just saying it', and that she felt we had such great chemistry as friends and she would like to continue to see me as friends.

she then told me that she would leave me alone for a few months to 'cool off' and that she would contact me after that to see if we could resume our friendship, because she wanted me in her life, just not as a boyfriend.

Obviously I NEVER heard a single word from her ever again.

I thought about it for awhile, why would she say all that if she didnt mean it and I realised - she is just saying it cos she thinks it is the 'polite' thing to say and she think it will let me down easy or something.

the fact that it was a blatant lie was irrelevant to her.

March 23, 2014

My high school sweetheart reached out to me after about a year.

We're "friendly" now, though no where near "friends."

My ex fiancee has tried to contact me a number of times, but we've been "no contact" for four months now, which is all on my end. I would have to be a crazy person to ever get back involved on any level with that ex.

My last ex. Oh, Lord. He is a piece of work. He lied to me, broke my heart, and then tried to victimize himself and blame me for hurting him. He also told me that he would never give me the closure I want. Pretty much because he's a sadistic @$$. But, I can't even blame him: I knew he was a dick when I started dating him, because everyone and their brother warned me.

Oh, well.

I've been NC with him for a month in 6 days. He'll contact me eventually, I'm fairly certain.

So, possible intentions for dumpers to break NC

(1) They want to bait you to see if you respond. If you respond positively or negatively, it will just give them some sort of ego boost knowing you still care. They might not even respond to your response, because they got what they wanted: knowing you still care about them. Unless of course, you responded positively, in which case they may utilize your past together to hook up until they find someone new.

(2) They actually feel badly for how they treated you and want to reach out to apologize and be friends. Usually, this is more about relieving guilt on their part, not because they actually care that you were hurt. (If I ever dumped someone, this would probably be my reason for breaking NC, because I hate hurting people.)

If the dumpee:

(1) They want closure/answers.

(2) They want to see if you'll respond, because that's an indication that you still care. Of course, they'll latch onto your response as a glimmer of hope.

(3) They have finally moved on and want to attempt friendship. (Though, most dumpees don't want people who have rejected them to be in their lives as a "friend," unless they have some hope (however small) of winning back your affections.)

(4) They want to rattle you, because, again, being pissed off or happy to hear from them indicates that (on some level) you still care.

Regardless as to the "why," unless you want your heart broken again (if you're the dumpee) or you want to break your ex's heart again (if the dumper), do NOT respond.

Edited March 23, 2014 by Storm_Chaser

March 23, 2014

My high school sweetheart reached out to me after about a year.

We're "friendly" now, though no where near "friends."

My ex fiancee has tried to contact me a number of times, but we've been "no contact" for four months now, which is all on my end. I would have to be a crazy person to ever get back involved on any level with that ex.

My last ex. Oh, Lord. He is a piece of work. He lied to me, broke my heart, and then tried to victimize himself and blame me for hurting him. He also told me that he would never give me the closure I want. Pretty much because he's a sadistic @$$. But, I can't even blame him: I knew he was a dick when I started dating him, because everyone and their brother warned me.

Oh, well.

I've been NC with him for a month in 6 days. He'll contact me eventually, I'm fairly certain.

So, possible intentions for dumpers to break NC

(1) They want to bait you to see if you respond. If you respond positively or negatively, it will just give them some sort of ego boost knowing you still care. They might not even respond to your response, because they got what they wanted: knowing you still care about them. Unless of course, you responded positively, in which case they may utilize your past together to hook up until they find someone new.

(2) They actually feel badly for how they treated you and want to reach out to apologize and be friends. Usually, this is more about relieving guilt on their part, not because they actually care that you were hurt. (If I ever dumped someone, this would probably be my reason for breaking NC, because I hate hurting people.)

If the dumpee:

(1) They want closure/answers.
(2) They want to see if you'll respond, because that's an indication that you still care. Of course, they'll latch onto your response as a glimmer of hope.
(3) They have finally moved on and want to attempt friendship. (Though, most dumpees don't want people who have rejected them to be in their lives as a "friend," unless they have some hope (however small) of winning back your affections.)
(4) They want to rattle you, because, again, being pissed off or happy to hear from them indicates that (on some level) you still care.

Regardless as to the "why," unless you want your heart broken again (if you're the dumpee) or you want to break your ex's heart again (if the dumper), do NOT respond.

wow perfect summation! there is a quote that has probably been around for years but it has been REALLY famous since 2006 when Bree (Marcia Cross) said it in an episode of Desperate Housewives:

"the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. the fact that you say you hate me means that you still care on some level". kind of sums up how everyone should think about their exes. complete and utter indifference, not caring whether they reach out or not and being so indifferent to it that even if they did you would delete the text without a second thought and continue to go about your day like nothing happened.

March 23, 2014

You can't help but wonder though, if the dumper is only trying to relieve their guilt.

March 23, 2014

You can't help but wonder though, if the dumper is only trying to relieve their guilt.

I'd just take it as a given that the dumper is trying to relieve their guilt UNLESS they back up their hollow words with real actions:

if the dumper sends you a typical message two years later saying something like "Hi, how are you? sorry about what happened between us towards the end, I said some pretty mean stuff. sorry. hope you are doing okay" it is pretty clear they are just trying to ease their conscience, no point responding.

I WOULD respond if the message was more along the lines of "Hi, how are you?? I feel awful for what happened between us two years ago, it has been on my mind. I know this is incredibly inappropriate to ask, but would you consider meeting up with me in the city so I can make amends with you? i want to show you I have changed" - this type of message is much more active and demonstrates what steps they are taking to try and make amends.

needless to say, I have NEVER received the second message, I have ALWAYS received the first.

March 23, 2014

Yes. My ex and I had two heated confrontations via text after we broke up (I initiated both) so I decided to send somewhat of a "farewell message". In it I said it's clear that she wasn't interested in being friends like she said because she rarely texts me, that it feels like I meant nothing to her given how comfortable she were with breaking up and that I wouldn't contact her again but I genuinely hope she would stay in touch.

March 23, 2014

Yes. My ex and I had two heated confrontations via text after we broke up (I initiated both) so I decided to send somewhat of a "farewell message". In it I said it's clear that she wasn't interested in being friends like she said because she rarely texts me, that it feels like I meant nothing to her given how comfortable she were with breaking up and that I wouldn't contact her again but I genuinely hope she would stay in touch.

That's basically what happened with my ex, it was about 3 months after the breakup. I told him through texts to lose my number and when he replied with "I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you" the last thing I said to him was "no I'm sorry. Sorry for believing you were different!"

Total NC since and now it's been almost a whole year. I don't expect him to ever reach out--even to ease his guilt.

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did any of you contact or get contacted by the ex to 'make peace'?

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