Coco1 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 After overthinking things and not having the opportunity to talk to anybody about my relationship, I have decided to turn to the loveshack for advice. I’ve been a long time lurker and have read a lot of very informative topics on here. The past few months I have undergone a spiritual revival and have taken time to look at my life and relationship. This ‘searching’ within has started to bring me to believe that my relationship is not working how it used to. I know that relationships evolve and change over time; however, sometimes the changes are for the worse. Anyways, I’ve been in a relationship for 2.5 years- I am 21 and she is 22. Both of us are in college. We have overcome many problems and fights. Have had periods of nonstop fighting but overcame that. We love each other very much. The talk about marriage has been discussed as well as kids. We are not living together but are very close to each other. Even though we are close, are common interests seem to be getting fewer every month and I am starting to not feel as attracted to her as I used to. I enjoy being active and outside while she does not. We used to hike maybe twice a month together. We would usually go until she would get impatient or mad from some excuse (she was hot, out of shape, etc.). I stayed patient with her and would bring her back to the car which was only after about half a mile. I have ditched the effort of hiking with her, I just go by myself now . It really is difficult to do anything outdoors with her. It is completely different than when we started dating. She is much more content watching tv and being on her phone than enjoying personal time together it seems. Also, something that I will get slack about on here is her weight gain. I feel it’s unhealthy how much weight she has put on and it worries me. She has gained over 50 pounds in about a year and a half. While this sounds shallow, her physical appearance has taken a drastic change. I love her more than anything but the physical attraction is becoming less. We tried getting gym memberships but that didn’t work. She went a handful of times in four months before canceling it. I tried to encourage her and get her to go with me but she wouldn’t go. I didn’t put her down about never going but always invited her. On average, I am now going about 4 times a week and feel great. Last, she pretty much relies on me to cook for her now. She hates cooking and gets mad if I try to get her to help . This started to drive me crazy and I thought, “how is this supposed to work if we have kids and I’m not home?” I just feel like the relationship is unraveling. The lack of mutual interests, loss of physical attraction, and over reliance to take care of her is questioning my standing in this relationship. I read on here that dumpers will have these feelings inside of them until they break up and tell their SO the problems they are fed up with. This doesn’t give the dumpee time to change their ways because the dumper is tired of waiting for changes. I want to feel happy in this relationship again but how should I do that? I know that I need to talk to her but that usually leads to a barrier on her side. She also yells at me for blaming everything on her. I have my faults and am working very hard to fix those. So, have a talk about changing her lifestyle? Take a break? I want both of us to be happy in the long run. Thank you for reading this, any input is appreciated.
Grumpybutfun Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 She has grown complacent and has given up. She may be depressed, she may have childhood issues, but who knows since it seems she has not shared any of that with you. Honestly, you guys are very young and it is my belief that our early twenties are really the gateway for the rest of our lives. We learn who we are on a much deeper level spiritually and emotionally. If you two are this far apart on compatibility, you have just grown apart. Sounds like she has settled into her life and this is her comfort zone. As someone who is active and also spiritual, I couldn't be on a journey with someone who wasn't beside me. My wife and I have grown together a great deal over the years, but we were always right beside each other. You two have drifted apart and it is time to give credence to your spiritual reflection and do the sad task of informing her that you need to move on. She may say she will change, become concerned about her health (50 lbs in that amount of time is alarming from a health viewpoint),or say she will learn to cook and take more of an interest in things outside of tv and phones.However, she would be doing this for you and not for herself and we both know that isn't effective in real change. It is a kindness to move on as it may cause her to also reflect. We date to find the perfect fit and she isn't your perfect fit. When you marry, it is imperative to have someone with similar values who walks beside you...not trying to catch up or veering off to another path. Good luck, Grumps 1
Author Coco1 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 She has grown complacent and has given up. She may be depressed, she may have childhood issues, but who knows since it seems she has not shared any of that with you. Honestly, you guys are very young and it is my belief that our early twenties are really the gateway for the rest of our lives. We learn who we are on a much deeper level spiritually and emotionally. If you two are this far apart on compatibility, you have just grown apart. Sounds like she has settled into her life and this is her comfort zone. As someone who is active and also spiritual, I couldn't be on a journey with someone who wasn't beside me. My wife and I have grown together a great deal over the years, but we were always right beside each other. You two have drifted apart and it is time to give credence to your spiritual reflection and do the sad task of informing her that you need to move on. She may say she will change, become concerned about her health (50 lbs in that amount of time is alarming from a health viewpoint),or say she will learn to cook and take more of an interest in things outside of tv and phones.However, she would be doing this for you and not for herself and we both know that isn't effective in real change. It is a kindness to move on as it may cause her to also reflect. We date to find the perfect fit and she isn't your perfect fit. When you marry, it is imperative to have someone with similar values who walks beside you...not trying to catch up or veering off to another path. Good luck, Grumps Thank you for the response Grumps. I don't think she's depressed but has had childhood issues (father issues). I have noticed this with how she tries to grab the attention of everybody, everywhere we go. These are things that she has started working on. It will be very difficult to move on because we are very close to each other. She always says that she couldn't imagine living her life without me and it hurts me to see us grow apart. Heck, I have to leave the state for a week and she was crying because she missed me already. I feel it is healthy to have separate lives (not joined at the hip every minute) but she relies heavily on me for emotional support. Unfortunately, I am starting to feel the same as what you are telling me (growing apart, her comfortable with her lifestyle, and us going on separate paths). Like you said, any change that she makes will have to be from the motivation and courage from within herself, or it has no real meaning. I want her to be happy with herself and not trying to change herself for me or anybody else.
Never Again Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Coco, the most you can ever do is voice your concerns. If this were just issues of growing apart or common interests, it might be worth talking through. After all, we all make little changes for our significant others. Compromise and all that. However, as Grumpy said, she seems comfortable and isn't willing to compromise or improve herself. As someone who was VERY depressed for 2-3 months (it's what led to my breakup), I know I would've appreciated a heart-to-heart or a kick-in-the-pants to let me know that I'd fallen behind. I wanted to walk beside my ex all the time, and always wanted to be a better man because of her (not FOR her), but I lost my way. However, that talk never came because she didn't address the issues when they first arose and they festered into much bigger issues. Point is, for SOME of these issues, there may have been an opportunity to address them, but that opportunity has passed. If you love her enough to accept some issues and work on others together (accept her weight-gain but find a new common interest or activity and get her to cook for herself), then talk to her. However, it really does sound like the time for talking had passed and it's time to walk away. What you can take away from this relationship is the importance of communication in a timely manner. It may not have changed this outcome, but I guarantee that you wouldn't be making her food all the time while she plays on her phone if you'd spoken up earlier - dealing with problems when they're small keeps them small.
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