Sweetnothing Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 (edited) I scared him off. Tried way too hard, definitely came off as clingy. Cringing at the texts I sent him. I realized my mistake and backed off, haven't heard from him in a month and don't expect to ever hear from him again. Obviously I'm not ready to be dating yet so I deleted my dating profile and did a lot of introspection and I need to rebuild some self esteem first. The problem is I can't stop thinking about this guy! I know it's most likely an ego thing. No one likes to be rejected, but by this point I feel like I should be over it. I still think about him everyday. He was sweet, funny, cute, successful, educated blahblahblah and I KNOW there are a ton of guys out there, but I still have lingering feelings for him. I am NOT going to contact him again because by now it would just be pathetic and obviously he's "just not that into me" but no matter what I do I can't get him off my mind! I've been keeping busy with friends, work, going to the gym, texting or calling friends and family regularly, writing, yoga, cleaning, going out, but at the end of the day I STILL think about this guy. How do I get over this ridiculous longing and move on already?!?? Edited to add: I'm not rereading the texts he sent me over and over either. I deleted them all and deleted his number. We're not friends on any social media. I've erased every single trace of him physically from my life trying to make it easier, and it helped, but I'm still not over it. Maybe it's the lack of closure or whatever, but contacting him just seems silly after a month of no contact especially since we weren't "official" Edited March 22, 2014 by Sweetnothing
spiderowl Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 If the guy was the right guy for you, not the guy who seemed right for you, things would have flowed well. He would have wanted contact as much as you did. There would have been no waiting and wondering if he cared. There would not have been pain to go through. This guy wasn't the right guy for you because he wasn't reciprocating what you were offering. If a guy can't respond to your natural, loving nature, he's the wrong guy. He's not the perfect guy for you. Once you realise that, you will find it easier to detach yourself from him because he will no longer be relevant. 1
Chalkdust89 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I've been there, girlfriend! It's a mix of embarrassment over how you acted and embarrassment over being rejected. For me, it sucked knowing there was someone out there who thought I was that "typical" crazy, clingy girl, and it took everything in my power to not text him back and say "I'm not REALLY like this, I promise!!" Not having closure sucks in a situation like this. But...for that one person who thinks you're some clingy weirdo, there are a ton more people who think you are awesome, a great friend, and (when you're ready for it) totally dateable. You made a mistake in the way you acted, so learn from it next time! Don't get hung up on the one dude who wasn't interested, focus on the people who ARE interested and are there for you. Realistically, you're probably remembering him as much hotter, nicer, smarter, etc. than he actually is because you couldn't get him. The sooner you stop building him up in your mind, the sooner you'll realize he isn't worth getting upset/embarrassed over.
preraph Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Yes, I guess it sounds like you just tried too hard. Really, a good rule on early dating is just try to be yourself but make an extra effort to smile and be a bit lighthearted, and also don't take the initiative and be more giving than he is. I mean, don't go getting excited and bake him cookies until he's, for example, decided you're his girlfriend and maybe took you out for your birthday or a holiday, you know, sort of pronounced the relationship. Just let him win you and be yourself so it doesn't seem desperate or premature like you're crowding for commitment. I know it's hard. But that's why some very nice women attract guys who run all over them, because they give too much too soon and without really knowing the man or him proving himself to be caring and reliable!
Author Sweetnothing Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 If the guy was the right guy for you, not the guy who seemed right for you, things would have flowed well. He would have wanted contact as much as you did. There would have been no waiting and wondering if he cared. There would not have been pain to go through. This guy wasn't the right guy for you because he wasn't reciprocating what you were offering. If a guy can't respond to your natural, loving nature, he's the wrong guy. He's not the perfect guy for you. Once you realise that, you will find it easier to detach yourself from him because he will no longer be relevant. Yeah he seemed interested at first but thinking back I was more interested from the beginning than he was. Even when I played it cool he didn't seem super enthusiastic about me. He was curious enough to initiate contact a bit and asked me on a few dates, but I tend to forget that guys test the water before they get excited about a girl. If a guy I like asks me out I get excited. I don't let him know how excited I am at first but I definitely don't play games either. I def need to find someone with the same interest level because playing hard to get with guys who are so fickle anyway seems like a waste
Author Sweetnothing Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 I've been there, girlfriend! It's a mix of embarrassment over how you acted and embarrassment over being rejected. For me, it sucked knowing there was someone out there who thought I was that "typical" crazy, clingy girl, and it took everything in my power to not text him back and say "I'm not REALLY like this, I promise!!" Not having closure sucks in a situation like this. But...for that one person who thinks you're some clingy weirdo, there are a ton more people who think you are awesome, a great friend, and (when you're ready for it) totally dateable. You made a mistake in the way you acted, so learn from it next time! Don't get hung up on the one dude who wasn't interested, focus on the people who ARE interested and are there for you. Realistically, you're probably remembering him as much hotter, nicer, smarter, etc. than he actually is because you couldn't get him. The sooner you stop building him up in your mind, the sooner you'll realize he isn't worth getting upset/embarrassed over. The closure part is definitely hard to deal with. NOW I understand why people need closure so much. This is the first time a guy I like just disappeared without a trace. Usually when a guy stops contacting me I don't care because I wasn't into him either. I keep catching myself thinking "maybe he stopped calling because...(insert whatever BS excuse sounds better than the truth)" then I bring myself back to earth and remember it wasn't meant to be. And you're probably right that I'm building him up as being way better in my head than he was in real life. Rejection does crazy things to people. I'm just glad I maintained SOME dignity by not demanding any answers lol I don't have the best track record of handling break ups. Being single for a while has done me a lot of good with controlling my emotions
Author Sweetnothing Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 Yes, I guess it sounds like you just tried too hard. Really, a good rule on early dating is just try to be yourself but make an extra effort to smile and be a bit lighthearted, and also don't take the initiative and be more giving than he is. I mean, don't go getting excited and bake him cookies until he's, for example, decided you're his girlfriend and maybe took you out for your birthday or a holiday, you know, sort of pronounced the relationship. Just let him win you and be yourself so it doesn't seem desperate or premature like you're crowding for commitment. I know it's hard. But that's why some very nice women attract guys who run all over them, because they give too much too soon and without really knowing the man or him proving himself to be caring and reliable! I didn't go TOO overboard like baking cookies or anything lol it just got to a point where during dates I brought up relationship stuff really abruptly (I dingy outright ask him to be my boyfriend, but I told him I wanted something more serious eventually than casual dating) which doesn't seem like too much to ask, but I can see how it does come off as a lot of pressure and I probably could have waited a while longer before worrying about whether we were going to be exclusive. I'm definitely the prime example of the "too nice" girl and have ended up in one sided relationships so I took a break from dating and now I'm learning that you can be the "too nice girl" even BEFORE you're in a relationship!! This is definitely the quickest I've ever scared a guy off. And who knows maybe it was a good thing, but for now I'm going back to focusing on myself
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