should i assume more happened then hes leading me to beleive.

[kayC]

Hi

 

This is my first time here and i'm not to sure how this works.

 

Here goes nothing. I've been in this relationship for that past 6 years. Its been rocking back and forth. I really do care and love my boyfriend and we do talk about marriage. HE came to me and told me that some chic kissed him at the bar, but he kissed her back. oh by the way we do have a son. He said that it was because he was an emotional reck. Then there was another girl, this time things lead a little further but he did not sleep with her. This time he says he was drunk and stoned.( he normaly does not do drugs) He claims it felt like an out of body expereince. He says he is truly sorry and cried that he will never again put himself in this sort of postion. Now i don't know what to do. I really do love him and want to forgive him put he wont give me answers. should i assume more happened then hes leading me to beleive? do i give him another chance?

[LucreziaBorgia]

It would help to find out what is missing (in his mind) from the relationship to cause him to go out and do these things. People don't stray because they are mean bitches/bastards who want to intentionally hurt their partners (usually anyway!). They stray because for them, some needs aren't being met in the relationship and they let the risks outweigh the benefits in a moment of weakness and make bad choices to see that those needs are met with someone else. It might help to go into couples counseling to help pinpoint those things that he feels are lacking and find a way to have him see those needs met in your own relationship. Counseling will also help you with your feelings of betrayal, hurt and insecurity in this situation. The key? Communication. Full, honest and open communication about what you both need from this relationship and the compromises and work it takes to see that both your needs are being met.

 

As for whether or not something more happened, at this point - it doesn't really matter. You know he crossed the line - and the most productive thing would be not to focus on how far the line was crossed so much as focusing on bringing him back over it to your side and having him want to stay there. I expect how far he went will come out either with you in counseling or in a one on one with the therapist.

 

Hopefully you can work it out. It sounds like wants to, and that's a good deal of the battle right there.

[kayC]

What you say makes alot of sense. Yes i do consider counselling all the time, but why should i have to be the one to make the call. It was his infedility not mine. If in fact he wanted us to get through this shouldn't he be the one to make the call. I must admit my feelings of going to counselling seems like it will result in one big agrument. at times i do think that maybe thats all we need is a good argument. If he really wanted for this work he would do everything in his power to make it, not expect me to book the therapy.

 

Does letting it go and trying to forgive, give the impression that its okay? I don't think so, thats not the kind of impression i want ot give.

 

It is so strange over the years he has accused me of going astray. But i was once told that if you are an accuser you maybe the abuser.

[mt_joy]

I was always told that men only admit to the tip of the iceberg. So, it's up to you whether or not you want to believe that. Something is missing in your relationship. He's doing drugs and you have a child?! Forgiving does not mean that you are tolerating it. Let him know that infidelity is unacceptable. By no means will you put up with it again. But, yes, YOU should make the phone call for counseling. You know it's needed. If he doesn't go, you'll see how little he cares about your relationship. Good luck!

 

Joy

MT Student

[kayC]

Its silly to think that i'm still in this relationship. I feel like its just morally wrong. I have been cheated on before from a past boyfriend of 2 years and that ended imediatly after i found out. The difference with that one i found out from an outside source, I go over the first relationship quickly.

 

This time around its different. or is it? He came to me and told me about it. This is so wrong and and i get so frustrated. I really do consider still leaving because i just can't swallow the pain and get over it. Will these feelings ever go away? It only been just over a month since i found out is to late to walk out. He won't tell me when this happened and i feel that i need to now, i guess just so i can see where we were at in our relationship, should it make a difference, i think it might.

 

One more thing about this i asked what makes him think that this wont happen again, his reply was that he will never put himself in that position. I think that was the wrong answer. Believe me it sounded good at the time but now i think back and not wanting to japordize us as a family would of been a better answer.

[herbalyyys]

as for me, I think you deserve better.If its a pattern or a repeat offense, well you need to move on.Do you have somewhere else you and little boy can go to? home with family? close friend? I wouldnt stand for it.I wouldnt do it to my Hubby, and I know he wouldnt do it to me.He would just never let it even get to a point where someone could even THINK they could kiss him. To him it would be dishonorable. I think you deserve better. There are plenty of men out there with a high ethical and moral outlook.When you can, move on from this guy and you will find someone who has enough respect for you and treat you with the decency you deserve. We all tend to get/attract what or who we think we are worthy of, so realizing your own worth and accept NOTHING less.

[kayC]

call me nieve call me blind and call me what you may, Its just not that easy to move on as some people may think. Not when there is still that loveing feeling going on. I look at it as a mistake as does he. we both seem to think that we have grown and matured. Really, i think it just might be me not being able to let go. I was wondering will this feeling ever leave my life. I seem to think that i may beable to once trust him again and hoping that if something like this is to happen again, that he will be honest with me and tell me be before we are intamate again. I'm not saying i will put up with this, cuz i won't and gaurenteed i will hit the road faster then the road runner. Does the hurt and pain go away? Do the what ifs every subside?

[herbalyyys]

I would have to say NO! you may be able to forgive, and the pain recede to a sort of numbness, but it will always be in the back of your head.And one little doubt will bring that pain immediately to the surface again. I DO understand-you cant just get up and walk away-love make us crazy. And all the differrent factors make it hard to just turn away-emotional, financial,physical...but you REALLY have to look at your priorities...your SON.Does he deserve to have that sort of relationship as a role model? And do you REALLY deserve to be treated as an afterthought? Imean hey-he still DOES it and then comes to you AFTER the fact. You should have so much more than that. I'm not saying, leave him now, but PLAN for the possibility.Set money aside.Have a friend be ready to take you in.You need that back up.For your OWN self worth. He comes to you after the fact, because he knows you will still take him.that he can sweettalk you into believing he was weak or drunk-what EVER! Your own son deserves to see you with a man that loves ONLY you. It can be done.

[li'l bunny]

Hi I'm new here and I would like to say that if you think your hubby won't do it again and if you think he is sincere then maybe you should give him another chance.

 

Children are a lot better off with both their parents, regardless of their age it upsets them a great deal when parents split up and that has been proven. But despite that, you are a family. Maybe you shouldn't ask him if he went any further. Just accept what he tells you. Obviously if it happens again then you'll have re-evaluate but for now take things for face value.

 

You still love your husband. He still loves you or he would be gone by now so give it another go. Try not to hold onto the hurt feelings. I know its difficult but if it was only a kiss they happen so easily. I have been married five years and I kissed someone else too. My hubby forgave me. In hindsight I feel I shouldn't have told him because it caused him more pain knowing so what was the point in telling him except to make myself feel better.

 

Anyway, it's your relationship, only you know how solid it is. Try counselling if you think its going to be too much for you to handle alone but make sure you let him know you won't put up with him cheating on you again.