Thinking about ending my relationship even though I don't want to.

[maturityassets]

I will totally honest. I Just turned 21. I've been with my GF for 11 months now but we have a major problem with her parents. They don't want her dating and when they found out about us continuing dating 2 weeks ago after they initially told her to break up with me back in September, they went off on her. They took away her phone (which she pays for) and shamed her, calling her a whore/slut/prostitute and telling her she doesn't care for her family. She is 19 and she can move out but they threatened her that if she moves out she is no longer a part of her family and that they will no longer allow her to see her younger siblings.

 

I have no idea what to do. I mean I would call her Family's bluff and see how it is months after she would move out but if they aren't bluffing I can't tell her to move out ruining her relationship with her sisters. I love her, I really do but we're not at the point where neither of us are ready for a long term commitment. She won't let me go, I'm her first love and I know from experience first love is always something to let go of. But I don't know if I can just sit around and wait till things ease down again for us to sneak around. It was hard the first time. Also she and her best friend are now on bad terms. For me to end a relationship just because I want to have fun in a relationship rather than feel like I'm in something in which has some serious waters to tread is difficult and I wouldn't want to leave the person I love stuck in a house without any emotional support.

 

It's not like I see myself in another relationship anytime soon. If I were to end it I would just be focused on my studies and personal issues (social anxiety). At most I would be hooking up if put into that position. Just I've never met any girl so supportive of me as my GF is and throwing all it away because of her parents would be a tragic thing.

[Strength in Healing]

Man, that family is psycho. First of all, they can't control those younger siblings. Their sociopathic control games will backfire immensely if they try to turn the sisters against each other once the sisters are old enough to see what has happened.

 

Sick man. She sounds like a sweet girl, what with not wanting to give up on you and all, but damn, she probably realistically has psycho genes in her unfortunately.

[sly_fly1]

go to her parents and talk to them one n two. ask them what would they do if they were forced no to be with eachother, then say because thats what you are doing to me. see what they say.

[iDrumKing]

Just I've never met any girl so supportive of me as my GF is and throwing all it away because of her parents would be a tragic thing.

 

Then don't throw it away. What's tragic is to throw away a relationship that makes you happy because of something external.

 

You say she supports you. She sounds like she's going through a crappy moment in her life, try to support her through it.

[maturityassets]

go to her parents and talk to them one n two. ask them what would they do if they were forced no to be with eachother, then say because thats what you are doing to me. see what they say.

Well her parents have been threatening divorce anyway. Her dad is utterly impossible to live with. He is a perfectionist with a fragile ego, borderline narcissist. I think the only reason my GF's mom won't pull the trigger because the culture she comes from will talk badly of how she ended a 20 year marriage with someone she shares 4 kids with.

[Strength in Healing]

Eh I agree with these people. Don't give up on her.

[maturityassets]

Then don't throw it away. What's tragic is to throw away a relationship that makes you happy because of something external.

 

You say she supports you. She sounds like she's going through a crappy moment in her life, try to support her through it.

I know it's just hard to be there for someone when you can only speak through e-mail. I am supportive as much as possible. I told her to go to the counseling center on her campus to seek tools to better deal with feelings of guilt and shame because she easily feels guilt. I try to settle the waters between her and her best friend and I've proposed meeting her parents on numerous occasions to help break the ice to see the type of guy I am. I would do it despite her saying no but I don't trust how these parents would react once I would leave their house. I don't want her to be in a worse spot emotionally than she is now. Of course as 21 year old temptation is all around me but I always set my feelings on her because everything would be momentarily while this relationship is a lot stronger than that

[lauri]

I need to ask a few questions here:

 

1) What is her background? Are your two cultures similar?

 

2) Are you two of the same religion (if that matters to her parents and you)?

 

The reason why I ask is because then I can help give you a little bit more insight on why this is happening. For example, if her parents are Arabic (I dated an Arabic girl for a few years) then they don't view dating as "acceptable" and only want the girl to get married. Think really hard, if the cultures don't match will your families clash?

 

Depending on the culture of her parents, then it also changes how you play the things moving forward. Now I understand she is supportive and a wonderful girlfriend...but you cannot make her turn against her parents / family. You need to be there for her and do whatever will make her life as easy as possible...

 

Once again, depending on the culture, I would go see the parents and tell you two are breaking up out of respect to them, because you cannot be in a situation that will hurt them or their reputation...then, if you can pull it off, see her secretly until you two feel you are ready to be more "Serious".

[iDrumKing]

I know it's just hard to be there for someone when you can only speak through e-mail. I am supportive as much as possible. I told her to go to the counseling center on her campus to seek tools to better deal with feelings of guilt and shame because she easily feels guilt. I try to settle the waters between her and her best friend and I've proposed meeting her parents on numerous occasions to help break the ice to see the type of guy I am. I would do it despite her saying no but I don't trust how these parents would react once I would leave their house. I don't want her to be in a worse spot emotionally than she is now. Of course as 21 year old temptation is all around me but I always set my feelings on her because everything would be momentarily while this relationship is a lot stronger than that

 

I see where you're coming from dude. I am also 21 so I do see these "temptation" that circle us every day.

 

When I dated my ex GF, I had the vibe that her family and I weren't going to click. They never outwardly displayed any dislikes of me, but I could feel it. I can see that you are also a very thoughtful BF as well.

 

Just always remember that at the end of the day it's you and your GF.

[maturityassets]

I need to ask a few questions here:

 

1) What is her background? Are your two cultures similar?

 

2) Are you two of the same religion (if that matters to her parents and you)?

 

The reason why I ask is because then I can help give you a little bit more insight on why this is happening. For example, if her parents are Arabic (I dated an Arabic girl for a few years) then they don't view dating as "acceptable" and only want the girl to get married. Think really hard, if the cultures don't match will your families clash?

 

Depending on the culture of her parents, then it also changes how you play the things moving forward. Now I understand she is supportive and a wonderful girlfriend...but you cannot make her turn against her parents / family. You need to be there for her and do whatever will make her life as easy as possible...

 

Once again, depending on the culture, I would go see the parents and tell you two are breaking up out of respect to them, because you cannot be in a situation that will hurt them or their reputation...then, if you can pull it off, see her secretly until you two feel you are ready to be more "Serious".

We have very similar cultures. Her family is Macedonian and I'm Albanian. Our cultures are from the balkan region of europe. The thing that would separate our families would be their religions, even though our cultures put much more emphasis and pride on nationality than religion. But my family is islamic and her family are east orthodox Christians.

 

They've told her either never go out again or either marry me. But you have to understand I'm the black sheep of my family. I hate tradition. That culture is toxic and makes for very unstable individuals mentally and emotionally. Shame based tactics that make people feel inferior and insecure. Its the reason I had to deal with social anxiety. Because 1). I could never master the language and 2.) Its a very judgment and image based culture. I'm also an Atheist and I embrace individualism to its fullest extent. I would be the enemy in their eyes. Not that I'm bad guy per se. I have a good head on my shoulders. I'm a double major at university studying economics and political science. A good GPA. I don't do any type of drug or even drink that often. But it's what I stand for. I'm influential. I'm individualistic.

[maturityassets]

I see where you're coming from dude. I am also 21 so I do see these "temptation" that circle us every day.

 

When I dated my ex GF, I had the vibe that her family and I weren't going to click. They never outwardly displayed any dislikes of me, but I could feel it. I can see that you are also a very thoughtful BF as well.

 

Just always remember that at the end of the day it's you and your GF.

Doesn't help that some girls are vultures and try to swoop in at the first sign of trouble in my relationship. A girl I use to with was texting me of how she is breaking up with her boyfriend and that I should meet up with her this week. I of course never texted her to meet up because it didn't seem right.

[iDrumKing]

Doesn't help that some girls are vultures and try to swoop in at the first sign of trouble in my relationship. A girl I use to with was texting me of how she is breaking up with her boyfriend and that I should meet up with her this week. I of course never texted her to meet up because it didn't seem right.

 

Then good for you! Because you have respect for your GF and yourself. It's funny that you shared that with me, because a previous ex of mine also broke up with her BF and wanted to "explore" our past fire.

 

I happily. You play with fire, you will get burned. It's good that you followed your gut instinct.

[KaliLove]

Oh goodness..that poor girl! I hope she has the strength to break away from her awful family. Just be as supportive as you can, but ultimately it's up to her to walk away from them. If she does, great..if she doesn't, eventually you'll have to walk away from her because after a while she becomes a volunteer instead of a victim.