xrachyrawrx Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Does it ever work? If so how? I mean, how often do you contact and how often do u usually see each other? How do u decide how long to give it until you see other people? How do I accept that they'll never be any more kisses or cuddles or sex? If I had known the last time would be the last time, I would have thought about it more We broke up mutually after not seeing how we could live or stay together anymore. He said he wants to be there for me and we will stay close as 'we're not like other people'. This has literally happened the last few days so are both very upset. We were together for 3 and a half years and lived together for 3 I am due to see him this Sunday for plans we already had but of which will keep us busy (cafe lunch but that's it) and also on Tuesday for again plans we couldn't cancel. On Tuesday, we have about 6 hours together so I have said I don't mind spending some time at his (my old home) where his family are but I would like to be alone with him so we can enjoy ourselves. I am thinking of taking him out for dinner (somewhere unrelated to our relationship) so we can celebrate what we had and toast to friendship. What do you think? Any advice appreciated xx:confused:
nohardfelines Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 From experience, I would say that it's not going to work. Every time that i've tried to remain friends with an ex, it always ends ugly. It's impossible to just flip a switch and turn off the desire for intimacy, even harder to pretend that one or both of you isn't emotionally hurt by the transition. I've dealt with both sides of the spectrum; i've been the one who's still trying to hang on, and i've been the one trying to spare the other person's feelings. That's not to say that there aren't couples who can eventually keep a great friendship, I just haven't had that experience. It's like casual sex between friends; there's no such thing. Someone is going to be emotionally vested and just end up hurt. Just my opinion, I wish you both the best of luck with the arrangement. 2
No Limit Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 (edited) Given how long you've been together, no, I don't think it will work. If you even think of cuddling or sex or anything affectionate while being around your ex it will not work. It's a rather bad idea anyway, often it just turns into friends with benefits for a few weeks and then back to NC leaving one hurt big time. It's not worth it. I am thinking of taking him out for dinner (somewhere unrelated to our relationship) so we can celebrate what we had and toast to friendship. You're trying to get him back into a relationship, consciously or not. So either he wants to have sex or he will distance himself further, but seeing how he encourages to stay in touch it's probably for sex. Have fun I guess. Edited March 22, 2014 by No Limit 1
maturityassets Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 It doesn't work generally, nor should it. Relationships are a bridge built upon immense intimacy. But once that other person has crossed the bridge toward the opposite direction, it's the end. You might end up just chasing this person but you have to go on your own road. All the things you guys shared were on the grounds of intimacy and immense passion; Things your ex will share with future partners and more likely than not you will feel rejection all over again when you are reminded you are no longer their one anymore. You might be able to be friends years down the road after the relationship is but a memory of where you were at that point in life, but its unlikely in the future that either of you will reach out other than to compare where you guys ended up. This is still just general, there are other type of people who can seemingly turn the switch on and off when it comes to relationships and friendships. These people in my view never put much stock in long term monogamous relationships in the first place and basically live life for its enjoyment and high passions, not that there is anything wrong with that. Just it seems like the majority of us do put an in immense amount of investment, in terms of intimacy and passion, into our relationships and we do this because we separate our partners from everyone else; we don't necessarily see them as interchangeable. Our next partners won't replace the previous one, they will just be a different relationship with different foundations of intimacy instilled into them. 2
VeronicaRoss Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I am FB friends with a bunch of ex's but we rarely exchange messages and do not see each other. It's too hard even decades later for someone if not both.
AnyaNova Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I have to completely disagree on this one. Being friends with an ex actually can work in certain circumstances. Being close friends with an ex is something that can be done, but really requires some rare circumstances, like one ex of mine and I are, but the passion had already long gone out of the relationship. Being friends with an ex though where that wasn't the case can still happen. You just have to be willing to be flexible with how close, how much time, or whether you spend time alone together or not based on the needs of each party in each circumstance (obviously, new partners probably would prefer that one on one wasn't a big thing etc.). What it does take. 1) A great deal of self-control and self-awareness 2) Plenty of time after the breakup (in most cases) 3) a huge amount of personal maturity 2
Allumere Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 It's do-able. It takes time apart and it takes very clear communication. If either one of you starts getting the itch then you need to be very honest and again consider stepping away for a bit. If time spent is generally in a "friend" scenario then it isn't anyone's fault...the feelings just grew again is all. Sometimes the feelings re-kindle for both, most time that isn't the case. Everything has to be transparent for it to work.
FrostBlaze Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Sure it's do'able, it's like a 3% chance out of 100 that you both get over it and find someone else. But in MOST cases, and i know a lot >_>, it doesn't work out. You don't actually know what the other partner thinks, he will probably lie, but as most things go. One of them probably still would like to get back toghether, even if they have repressed those feelings to try and keep the friendship up. You will think we are "friends", he treats me like a friend, he is over it. Well most of the time, no they aren't, they act like they are. Then you wonder why they are still single xD, cuz they are waiting on you.
ASG Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I am at least friendly with most of my ex's. Friends with all but one on FB and talk somewhat regularly with a couple. My most recent ex is the one I keep in touch with the most since we live in the same country, though that has dwindled a bit as he's been abroad. We were together for 8 months and broke up mutually after trying and failing to fix our relationship. Not gonna lie, the attraction and feelings were still there for some time and we did end up sleeping together a couple of times in the weeks after the break up. Then we decided it was too painful and stopped. That started the healing process. And I started seeing other people and he did as well and we talked about it and actually cheered each other on. It's now been 3 years and we get together every once in a while to catch up. He's not my best friend, but I know he's be there for me if I needed him and vice versa.
Tayla Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I Like Anynova's advice!. It takes maturity though to maintain the foundation that the relationship had prior to the break up. Some folks seem to think that Intimate relationships can not transcend to friendship. Then it really wasnt intimate to begin with in my book. There ae folks I broke up with that for good reason, I prefer to keep them in my book of "what the heck was I thinking!!!" and leave it at that. They were stepping stones to what I would and wouldnt tolerate from any human. So for two mature adults to care and wish to maintain the "friendship" protion, its feasible. Draw the liness, accept your position and support them as a good friend would.
erklat Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I Like Anynova's advice!. It takes maturity though to maintain the foundation that the relationship had prior to the break up. Some folks seem to think that Intimate relationships can not transcend to friendship. Then it really wasnt intimate to begin with in my book. There ae folks I broke up with that for good reason, I prefer to keep them in my book of "what the heck was I thinking!!!" and leave it at that. They were stepping stones to what I would and wouldnt tolerate from any human. So for two mature adults to care and wish to maintain the "friendship" protion, its feasible. Draw the liness, accept your position and support them as a good friend would. In my book if relationship 'transcends' to friendship, there was no real passion. Friends with an ex? Doesn't that seem to defy the laws of nature? f 1
Heroeric Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Best way I could put it; If you remain actual FRIENDS after a break up with someone you passionately loved, you either still love each other, or never did... Though friends is a strong word if you think about it. 1
Arieswoman Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 IMO it doesn't work. Some guys I dated that broke up with me said "We can still be friends can't we". My response was, "You're breaking up with me but still expect to have my friendship ?? Take a hike you selfish, insensitive POS." Some of them even had the cheek to ring me months later to ask "How I was". My response would be "Why are you ringing me? Is it because your latest floosie dumped you?" In my experience guys who "want to be friends" after a breakup just want you on-hand for emotional support or whatever else they can get. I suppose it works for girls as well. 2
mammasita Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 It can work .........but not now. From the tone of your post, I get the feeling you still have romantic feelings for your ex. No way can you be "just friends" right now. It takes time, you have to be completely detached. When you can think about him being with another woman and not care - then you can be friends.
d0nnivain Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I am friendly with an EX. We work in the same industry. About once every two years we bump into each other & usually spend a few minutes catching up. That's about as far as I recommend you go. You can't be close because really you don't want to hear about the other person's new romantic relationships & you shouldn't discuss yours with them. The new people in your lives won't appreciate the old connections. 1
Tayla Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 In my book if relationship 'transcends' to friendship, there was no real passion. Friends with an ex? Doesn't that seem to defy the laws of nature? f I promise to buy your book when it comes out. In the meantime what law of nature defies friendship? Can you explain please? text and the english language is open to interpretations. My passion for my friends along with admiration isn't based on whether I did or didnt sleep with them. Perhaps it takes a person who can forgive, love and entrust a person that can move into the long term firendship realm. Again, as I stated before there are some persons I've left in my past for good reason. they weren't genuine friends to build relations upon when I look back.
erklat Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 I promise to buy your book when it comes out. In the meantime what law of nature defies friendship? Can you explain please? text and the english language is open to interpretations. My passion for my friends along with admiration isn't based on whether I did or didnt sleep with them. Perhaps it takes a person who can forgive, love and entrust a person that can move into the long term firendship realm. Again, as I stated before there are some persons I've left in my past for good reason. they weren't genuine friends to build relations upon when I look back. I don't know about you but I'm not sitting at the same table with someone i have to pretend I would not **** to death. There is no friendship there. Such relationship serves only to ease one parties guilt. So if friendship without sincere platonic loyalty seems natural to you, knock yourself out.
mema1982 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 IT CAN NEVER WORK!!!! one of you is going to get heart badly
Tayla Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I don't know about you but I'm not sitting at the same table with someone i have to pretend I would not **** to death. There is no friendship there. Such relationship serves only to ease one parties guilt. So if friendship without sincere platonic loyalty seems natural to you, knock yourself out. Pardon, but as par the case, you are misunderstanding the overall question and response. Yup I plan and have continued to be friends with my ex's, But then I have on my adult attitude to see me thru things. Maybe you can ask the easter bunny for that in your basket? But just in case you didnt read it before, There are IN fact some past relations that I have left in the past. You sorta remind me of them and why I did.
Keii Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 I'm friends with all my exes haha. Ex #1: Best friends, we've been very supportive of each other, and have given each other relationship advice. Absolutely no passion or lingering feelings there but it took almost a year to get to that stage. Ex #2: Friendly, we don't talk that much, but we're always down to listen to each other if one of us is going through a rough time. Ex #3: Most recent, LC, definite residual feelings for him (he was dumper, which is weird). In time, I'm sure we can be friends again, but not at this time as he is very confused, and constantly trying to make me jealous (not happening, I'm kind of sad that his actions are so petty/immature). He was my best friend throughout the relationship, and we were already good friends before dating. It depends on the length of time, maturity and openness of both parties in order to make a friendship work.
StrongLass Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 (edited) Pardon, but as par the case, you are misunderstanding the overall question and response. Yup I plan and have continued to be friends with my ex's, But then I have on my adult attitude to see me thru things. Maybe you can ask the easter bunny for that in your basket? But just in case you didnt read it before, There are IN fact some past relations that I have left in the past. You sorta remind me of them and why I did. Ya know, for someone who pleads superiority that was pretty childishly condescending. Both you and erklat have valid opinions on which you are both basing your advice off of. Let's not derail the OP's plea for advice in exchange for a pissing contest/flame war. Edited April 1, 2014 by StrongLass
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