Lifegoezon Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 I dumped my ex for cheating 10 weeks ago. About 9 months ago I began a litigation on behalf of myself and him. We split before it got to court and he said he didn't want any of the money if I won as I'd done all the work. I won. I just received the cheque. I always intended just dropping his share in his account. Now I'm wondering if that will look like I'm trying to make contact. It's likely to elicit a response of some sort which I will have to deal with. What does the team think about my moral obligations here? And assuming I should pay him (I think I should) - should I just ignore any response?
KaliLove Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 You won the money. He told you to keep it. I think you ARE trying to justify contacting him, if you're really honest with yourself. Keep the money. 3
Almond_Joy Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 You have no obligation to give him any of the money - he already told you this. Keep the money. 1
Mr.Pine Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 You won the money. He told you to keep it. I think you ARE trying to justify contacting him, if you're really honest with yourself. Keep the money. What Kali said... If you prefer, you can send it to my bank account so as to assuage any guilt you may have. Shall I PM you the particulars? 4
KaliLove Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 What Kali said... If you prefer, you can send it to my bank account so as to assuage any guilt you may have. Shall I PM you the particulars? Bahahahahahahaha...hey! It was my post! If anyone gets the money it should be me!! 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Give him what you think he deserves and send him a quick message indicating this is purely business and you have no other intentions beyond that...
Author Lifegoezon Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 I think you ARE trying to justify contacting him, if you're really honest with yourself. There may be some truth in this though I hate to admit it. I think I've been waiting for the cheque to come to give me the excuse. But he did pay half the costs, which I won back. I quite like mtnbiker's idea to just give him what I think he deserves (not much more than the costs really) but I don't want to contact him directly or engage in any conversation. It's not a huge sum and I need it more than he does but I feel weird about keeping it all whatever he said. I feel like it's the last bit of unfinished business between us and giving him a fair proportion draws a line under it all and shows I have integrity. I'm afraid keeping it might just look petty and grasping. I appreciate all your thoughts but I'm not giving any to you guys
d0nnivain Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 If you won in court you have a judgment. Unless you are a lawyer you can only represent yourself in court; you cannot represent somebody else. Take a look at what the judgment says. (The judgment is the piece of paper that says you won; if there is no paper, think about what the judge said in open court when rendering the decision in your favor). If the judgment says you won, all the money is yours. If the judgment says both of you won, unless otherwise specified, 1/2 the money is legally his. Unless you get a release (another formal legal document) from him you are not entitled to keep his money. Forget the morals; you keeping the money without a release from him is a crime of misappropriation. Write a check for his share of the money, drop the check in the mail. You don't even need a note. Fulfilling a legal obligation is not breaking NC. If you write him this big long letter blah, blah, blah then you are using the situation for reconciliation.
stillafool Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Absolutely. If you want to give him some of the money you can drop it in the mail and not have any contact with him whatsoever. Just do it. 1
Author Lifegoezon Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 If you won in court you have a judgment. Unless you are a lawyer you can only represent yourself in court; you cannot represent somebody else. Take a look at what the judgment says. (The judgment is the piece of paper that says you won; if there is no paper, think about what the judge said in open court when rendering the decision in your favor). If the judgment says you won, all the money is yours. If the judgment says both of you won, unless otherwise specified, 1/2 the money is legally his. Unless you get a release (another formal legal document) from him you are not entitled to keep his money. Forget the morals; you keeping the money without a release from him is a crime of misappropriation. Write a check for his share of the money, drop the check in the mail. You don't even need a note. Fulfilling a legal obligation is not breaking NC. If you write him this big long letter blah, blah, blah then you are using the situation for reconciliation. Thank you. I understand all this. The claim and the judgement is all in my sole name.There's no legal obligation, that's why I call this a moral dilemma. I'm not intending stealing what he's entitled to. I already have his written instruction to keep it all if I win. And I said I've no intention of writing him anything just dropping the money in his account. I'm still working through my feelings about the breakup (and doing fine actually) but I'm not interested in a reconciliation or making direct contact with him. I just don't want him to see it as me reaching out and then throw me a breadcrumb. Although I think a bit of me would like him to make contact just so I can ignore him!
KaliLove Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Absolutely. If you want to give him some of the money you can drop it in the mail and not have any contact with him whatsoever. Just do it. This. As you said, repay him for the costs he incurred, write him a check (or a cheque ), and drop it in the mail. I would recommend writing a quick note that ONLY says what the money is for (that way you don't open the door for him to contact you with questions..no doubt he will know what it's for but he still might use it as an excuse to contact you, which you don't want..trust me..it sounds appealing now but if it happens, it hurts). 1
deathandtaxes Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Listen to the guy. He said he doesn't want it. Don't send it to him. Don't try to justify it. Don't try to rationalize it. If you can't bear to keep what you think his share is, I am sure there are some VERY NEEDY CHARITIES out there that would love a donation.
KaliLove Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Listen to the guy. He said he doesn't want it. Don't send it to him. Don't try to justify it. Don't try to rationalize it. If you can't bear to keep what you think his share is, I am sure there are some VERY NEEDY CHARITIES out there that would love a donation. I do agree with this..but if the OP feels like she has unfinished business and won't be able to relax unless she sends it to him then not sending it won't be helpful. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. For the record, I still think sending the money is an excuse to break NC..but if you can't stand it and you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO SEND IT BECAUSE YOUR BRAIN WON'T REST UNLESS YOU DO, then just do it. But again, no personal note, and do not respond if he fishes for contact afterwards, and it's likely that he will. 1
beach Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 You will need to figure in taxes paid for the money awarded. Deduct that amount from the total. Figure his cost plus a bit extra - then send a cashiers check to him so that no communication is necessary. It's not necessary to leave the door open to communicate further - since he stated it's over and you intend to respect that - send an amount that gives you peace of mind but closes the thought in your head that you may or may not "owe him" anything. 1
Author Lifegoezon Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 So I banked the cheque after the weekend and when it cleared (Monday) I dropped the amount he was fairly due straight into his account marked with a description so he'd know what it was. I deemed any further explanation unnecessary - figuring that any way I gave it to him would very likely result in at least a 'thanks' message. Today I got the dreaded message of thanks by email. Short friendly and polite. Seeing the name in my inbox made my stomach lurch momentarily but I recovered remarkably quickly and I do feel that business is now finished. Only thing is, as well as hoping my kids and I are all 'keeping well', the message observed that he'd assumed I won the case but had not been granted his share. (This was always possible because, as one poster pointed out, I couldn't act for him. Despite that the Judge did award my whole claim.) I presume he is surprised to get the money now because there's been a gap between the hearing and me paying him. Now this remark irks me because: I want to know how he knows I wonI want to tell him I didn't pay him sooner because it took them 6 weeks to pay me The good news is that I am not back to square one! I feel like I'm controlling this exchange - which ends here. (I don't think it's because I've had a contact hit either. As I've said before - reconciliation is not an option.) I have no intention of responding at all as that would just reassure him that I can be friendly so must mean what he did couldn't have hurt me. But I needed to say this to someone - so this time it's you lot.
KaliLove Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Good job! I'm so glad you didn't respond. 1. He is probably just assuming you won and that he wouldn't have gotten any money from you if you hadn't. 2. If he has any brains at all he will know that courts don't tend to cut checks immediately after a hearing. I'm sure he's figured it out. Or maybe he thinks you're so busy enjoying your life that it didn't occur to you to pay him until now. It's win/win! 1
Recommended Posts