Author HPrynne Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 Can you give your marriage a shot without the AP in the picture? I considered this and decided it was pointless and would only cause additional pain and drag out the inevitable. I'm assuming your H isn't aware that you're so unhappy or had an A. He is aware of exactly how unhappy I am and has been for several years. He is aware of exactly how his choices have hurt me and caused detriment to the family. I have communicated directly with him about what I needed for years (and it was not unreasonable - I asked him to be a partner who contributed in normal ways and didn't make life so much harder on a daily basis). He always had reasons for why this or that could not be improved and it took a very long time, but finally I realized they were excuses (partly because I kept bending over backwards to address or change the things he said were problems, but his behavior never improved despite the "reasons" no longer existing) and he was simply unwilling or unable to change anything. He does not know about the A, to my knowledge. How, if I may inquire, is the divorce proceeding eg have you two had a discussion etc? He has made some superficial changes since we started discussing D. I appreciate the effort but do not believe it will last. I have told him how unhappy I am and that it is not improving; that my feelings fundamentally changed, and when and how that happened. I have been upfront about the fact that I feel I cannot trust him or believe anything he says because he has broken his word to me countless times. I have discussed with him what a D might look like. He rejected the idea and said we would never, ever get D, and said that actually we are lucky things are so good and I should get over how I feel and simply choose to be happy with him.
WrinkledForehead Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 My partner did leave the woman he was with (very LTR, no marriage or kids or shared home). He made plans which worked step by step. He was in IC and worked heavily with his therapist in regards to himself, what he wanted and needed, and in regards to leaving that R. He informed me what was happening each step of the way and stuck with his plan. It was extremely tumultuous for us. Lots of tears and hurting for three people. I wish you the best, OP.
beach Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Until you file for divorce - your husband isn't going to consider that you're serious about ending the M. And if you're that unhappy - then whether or not the OM also divorces should be beside the point.
Bootsie Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I considered this and decided it was pointless and would only cause additional pain and drag out the inevitable. He is aware of exactly how unhappy I am and has been for several years. He is aware of exactly how his choices have hurt me and caused detriment to the family. I have communicated directly with him about what I needed for years (and it was not unreasonable - I asked him to be a partner who contributed in normal ways and didn't make life so much harder on a daily basis). He always had reasons for why this or that could not be improved and it took a very long time, but finally I realized they were excuses (partly because I kept bending over backwards to address or change the things he said were problems, but his behavior never improved despite the "reasons" no longer existing) and he was simply unwilling or unable to change anything. He does not know about the A, to my knowledge. He has made some superficial changes since we started discussing D. I appreciate the effort but do not believe it will last. I have told him how unhappy I am and that it is not improving; that my feelings fundamentally changed, and when and how that happened. I have been upfront about the fact that I feel I cannot trust him or believe anything he says because he has broken his word to me countless times. I have discussed with him what a D might look like. He rejected the idea and said we would never, ever get D, and said that actually we are lucky things are so good and I should get over how I feel and simply choose to be happy with him. From reading your posts, it seems clear that you are done with the marriage and proceeding with a divorce notwithstanding what your AP does. This might mean that your original post was more about your AP and the possibility that he might not actually leave, which I guess might be why you asked about the warning signs. What is his situation and that of his wife? Has he too exhausted all possibilities of a reconciliation and is his wife as bad as your H sounds to be? Perhaps your concern is less about your own resolve to go ahead and more about him? If so you are wise to be concerned, especially if his wife doesn't know of your existence and he is not at the end of his tether because of her inappropriate behaviour.
Recommended Posts