bk89 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 (edited) Hello everyone. Sorry for the extremely long post - I couldn't stop typing. My girlfriend and I recently split up, we had our ups and downs, were together for only a year, however, I have really strong feelings for her still and want to share my experience with the community and get some help. I am currently seeing a therapist (for the first time in my life), speaking with friends, but nothing seems to help. So a little bit of background information: I am 25 and she is 26 - I am from the USA, finishing up grad school, and she is from Spain starting her career in NYC. We met last March in Boston through mutual friends, and immediately kicked it off. I found out a little bit about her and so on, however, I wasn't really interested in starting anything with her because she had informed me that she would be leaving the country in a couple of months and return to Spain - it didn't pan out that way because she got a job offer in NYC. Having said that, the second time we went out with our friends, about a week later, I could tell that she was very in to me - she was physically attracted to me and kept laughing/smiling with me. We kicked it off so fast. She made the first move on me, she wasn't drunk or anything, pulled my hand towards her and just kissed me. I felt like a million bucks. She liked how everybody knew me at the club, how outgoing I was, how girls would speak to me and so on. She was a predator and I felt like I was her prey - I wasn't complaining. Later that night, we want back to her place for a few more drinks. We weren't planning on doing anything because her friends had asked to crash there for the night since she lived nearby the club. We started getting into deep conversations, I was so interested in her background that I made up a huge lie and said that I was from a different country as well (I am, but I was raised here), and told her that all my family lives over there and so on. I was drunk at this point and the lie didn't really matter at the time - it was so stupid of me to even say because she was into me already - I ****ed up big time by saying it. I will come back to this lie later. After this night, we immediately started texting, messaging, flirting, talking at least once a day. We started hanging out a lot more often, my birthday was coming up, summer was coming up, we had amazing dates and really got to know each other well. The first big problem we had was when she found out that one of my friends and I had slept together in the past, just once like 6 months prior to dating this girl. She asked me one weekend when I had gone with this girl and my 2 other friends on a weekend trip to a Casino if I had slept with her - I had no idea how she would know and it honestly didnt matter because this girl was my friend and we had only slept together once a while ago. I said no. She didn't believe me, a close friend had told her I later found out. She ruined my whole weekend because she wouldn't stop messaging me about her, telling me that I am going on romantic getaways with other women and so on. It eventually cooled off, however, she kept getting extremely pissed every time I would see this friend or even when she was around. I had to stop hanging out with my friend because my gf was so insecure - and it really hurt me to lose a friend for this reason, however, I was in love and chose my gf. Throughout the summer we had tons of fun. Went on weekend trips, boat rides, dinner cruises, camping, tons of stuff. I kept making up little lies about myself and wouldn't even realize it. This girl was so interesting to me that I felt uncomfortable with my self esteem and kept making up stupid lies to impress her - it was stupid and it is the biggest lesson I have learned from this. The second big fight happened one night when we went out clubbing again - we had ordered bottle service and I was dancing with the waitress - my gf flipped out because I was dancing and smiling. I wasn't touching the waitress and I wasn't dancing with her for more that 10 second intervals at a time - it was all good fun with all our friends. We got over it. The third big fight was when we went out with our friends again for brunch. I was sitting between my gf and a good friend of mine who is extremely attractive and have known her for a few years. We kept talking back and forth because my gf was partaking in a different conversation and I felt bored. I was smiling with this friend, who my gf took as flirting again, and she just got up and stormed out and started crying in front of everybody. "You like her! You like her!" She started a whole scene outside the restaurant and I even almost got into a fight when these drunk guys tried "protecting" her from me getting her into a cab and leaving. I was so pissed and ashamed for putting up with this nonsense - she was possessive and made me suffer so much because of this. All of the above mentioned happened by June. The rest of the summer was easy, not many people/friends were around so it was just me and her having the time of our lives - we never had a problem when it was just the two of us doing things together. She eventually came to my hometown which is a few hours away and met my family - she didnt bring up the fact that I lied about my background until we came back to Boston - we had a huge argument about it and I tried justifying why I lied but it made me look so stupid and dumb that she lost a lot of respect for me - understandable. This is when the tables turned and she always started coming ahead in every fight we had. At this point she was smoking marijuana quite frequently in front of me - I don't use, however, I have a lot of friends that do and it wasn't really a problem for me, it didn't bother me. August she went to Spain and I was stuck in Boston hanging out with friends and trying not to be depressed because she was gone - I missed her every minute of every day. We had been so intimate in the summer and had almost spent every night together. We talked all the time, texted eachother and so on. I moved her out of her apartment by myself and placed everything in storage until she came back in September. When she got back I found her a new apartment in a week in NYC, got a Uhaul and moved everything in. I wasn't planning on living in NYC. I spent 2 weeks with her down there to help her get settled in and so on. It was very hard for me to leave and go back to Boston, I would cry when I would leave and so would she. We would constantly talk about how much we miss each other and fantasized about being together. After about a month (end of October) I made the decision to find a job in NYC so I moved down there. My parents had warned me to not do this until May when I would be finishing up with grad school, however, I had taken the semester off due to scheduling reason and decided to move in with her. She had prepaid the entire year's rent because she isn't a citizen and didn't have a credit history, so she didn't ask me for any money to live there, except for living expenses - I ended up paying all of them because the apartment wasn't cheap and I wanted to feel like I was pulling my weight. Once I moved in, we were so happy and so intimate - we were always going out, exploring NYC and it's various areas, bars, restaurants, everything. She even bought two puppies and it honestly felt like we had started a life together - after 6 months. Everything was going fine until she decided that she wanted to quit her job because it wasnt what she expected and take some time off taking classes and other various things. This is when everything changed. Since November, she had been smoking marijuana every single day. She would smoke in the afternoon, sleep for 2 hours, and even smoke in bed late at night to fall asleep. Her sex drive dramatically deteriorated and so on. Shortly after the cocaine started as well due to a group of friends that she knew from Boston - they had moved there as well. We started going out with this group of people every ****ing weekend - 1 "big" girl and 3 gay friends of hers - I had no problem with their appearance or sexual preferences. The fights with me and them quickly started when one of them tried approaching me sexually. I flipped. My gf's response was "it's the same as you being attracted to a girl, you want to kiss her"... and then I'm thinking to myself.. "if that was a girl and not a guy and kissed me.. what the **** would you say?" This innocent, beautiful smart girl I knew in the summer was gone. We started distancing each other, always getting into fights with here white trash friends (all coke users). I even got influenced a few times and tried. I have never had a problem with drugs or alcohol so I stopped immediately after my 3d time of trying it. She had gone from smoking weed twice a week to every single day and coke from once a month to twice a weekend. The worst part in our relationship started in January. I kept having fights with her friends, I told her I don't want to hang out with them, and she chose to go out with them and the drugs, and not me. She would leave me at home saying "go make friends, give me space" even though I was working all week at this point and commuting to boston for school twice a week. I didn't want to make friends because I only saw her on the weekends and I wanted that to be our time since she had the full week to herself. Valentines day I went and spent 500+ dollars on chocolates, earrings, flowers, and dinner. I go home after work and surprise her and she was so happy and excited, hugging me, kissing me telling me how I am the best in the world. We ended up going out to dinner and this place I had booked and right before we get there she tells me " I am going out with my friends after dinner, do you mind?" You know what my response was - it ruined our dinner and we both went home and didnt speak. February 22nd was when the break up happened. I had gotten back at 3 am from Boston and worked at 7. When I woke up she went crazy because I turned on the light. She got up went to the diner with me for coffee and said in her pissed off state of mind that she isnt my gf anymore - she feels like roomates. That ruined my ****ing morning. She apologized through a text an hour later saying she was upset, even though she had smoked the entire day before and didnt even clean for the 3 days I was gone. I took my lunch like a little bitch and went home to apologize to her for waking her up - I could never argue with the girl. She would always ignore the situation and pretend I didnt exist. I got back from work and she told me she was going out with her friends. I didnt mind and told her I was tired and would stay in. She left at 9 and at around 11 she told me to go over there. I went like an idiot to please her. She said she felt bad for me being alone... I get there, they are all doing coke, and they wanted me to leave an hour later because I had to work early on Saturday. I didn't want to leave and she started yelling at me in front of them, brought up our problems. I got so pissed at the way she was disrespecting me, our relationship and herself by saying all these personal things in front of her friends. I asked her to leave, she wouldnt, Her "big" friend got up to aske me to leave and she grabbed my hand. I slapped her hand away and that is when her gay friend got up "dont touch my friend". He grabbed my throat and I shoved his face to the wall. My gf got scared and started crying. I told her to leave with me right that instant. She agreed. We went downstairs and she locked me out of the front entrance. She betrayed me so much with that. My head got clouded, berserk mode was enabled and I went into the apt through the firescape. They flipped out and called the cops even though they had coke on the table. She locked herself in the bathroom and called her parents crying. I went home, i didnt want to get arrested - they didnt give them my name.. The next day I found out that she had told my whole family what happened. Her mother started texting me asking me to leave the next day by 12. My gf said she never wanted to see me again and wanted me out immediately but i needed a few days to get my stuff together. Her parents had told her to not return to the apartment until I had left. The fight happened friday night. She returned saturday night, against her parents wish, and slept next to me in the bed. She started crying and brought up all the good things I have done for her - I had helped this girl with so many things - transportation, language, classes, work - so many things. I would always go out of my way to help her. She smoked again and went to bed. The next morning she woke up and hugged me in bed. I told her I wish I could live that moment forever. She was leaving that night to pick up her mother from the airport and stay at the hotel. I would leave the next day. We had a huge fight because I brought up that she put her friends ahead of me and that she betrayed me. Then she brought up that I always acted like an idiot and embarassed her in front of her friends with the stupid fights I would get into and the lies I had told her last summer. When she left I broke down immediately and started crying uncontrollably. She heard me from the stairs as she was leaving and sent me a long text saying that I should try to calm down and not think of the bad moments. She told me we have an opportunity in the future if she sees a change in me, my anger, my lying. I decided to quit my job and go back to my hometown which is a few hours away. I couldnt live in NYC knowing that I cant see her. I would always have to go by the apt on my way to work. She urged me not to quit, but, I am so in love with the girl that the thought of her moving on without me killed me. I left on Monday and returned the following Sunday to get my things. Her mother went out for lunch so I had 2 hours with her to get my things together and move out. We talked about everything. She started crying and said how much she will miss me. I promised her I would start therapy to deal with the break up because I knew deep down I couldnt handle it, plus it would be an opportunity for me to solve my anger issues which came out when she drove me over the edge with her ignorance in accepting responsibility. Again, I was backing down. I made her promise me 2 things. One was to stop hanging out with that ****ty group of people and to stop the drugs, the second was if she were to move on, to move on with someone I do not know. I left. I went to CT to see some friends of mine and spend the night. I texted her asking how she was and what she thought of the meeting we had when I got my things. She said it was very sad to see me again and see me get all my things and leave, but she was happy because we realized our problems and it would be a great opportunity to fix them. I told her I love her a lot, and she said the same thing. After a few days I lost my sleep. I made the number 1 mistake of break ups - I couldnt stop messaging her. She was starting to be a lot less responsive and so on. The following sunday I got an email from ATT with my bill and I wanted to break down the cost of each line. I was paying for both, but since we broke up she agreed to pay her share. I noticed 60+ messages which were charged and I recognized the number of the drug dealer she had been using. She had been crying on my shoulder promising me she would stop the drugs, even threw them out in front of me, however, she had done it the night before and the 2 weekends following the break up. I felt so betrayed. I called her on skype and I told her we need to stop the phones. She asked why and I told her i dont want to be involved with any drug dealers since the phone plan was under my name. Her reaction was "you are spying on me". I told her she betrayed the promise she had made and she said "its my life I do what I want, go **** whatever you want I dont care". I had never cheated on her, she had never cheated on me. This happened 2 weeks ago, since then, everything has gotten out of control. I kept messaging her to stop with the drugs, tried to contact her family to express my concern but no response - they are so blind to what she is doing. They are extremely wealthy and just simply throw money at their daughters problems. I feel so ****ing betrayed after all I have done for her, I blamed myself for everything after the break up and am now realizing, as I am writing this, how unfair she has been to me. I regret that I wasnt able to help her with the drugs and that I even did it a few times with her - nothing comparable to how many times she has done it. I found out a lot about her past but still. I am blinded by her sheer beauty, her accent, her smell, the life we tried to start in NYC, the dogs, everything. I am in my hometown with nobody around to talk to, all my friends have left the area. There are no people to meet, nothing to do, I feel so alone. I have been so bipolar with her in the messages, pissed, sad, apologetic, empathizing and so on. I cant even believe I am sending her all these messages - I cant stop. I took it upon me to send her one last email yesterday morning. I havent messaged her since then. I cant get her out of my head I constantly think of her being with someone else since she is so ****ing beautiful. She has an amazing personality and never gets into trouble, that is her justification of being able to do the drugs since it doesnt affect her social life. Everybody loves her because she is so kind and sweet and I seem like the bad guy out of all of this. My therapist keeps telling me to think of all the bad she has done, but yet, I keep remembering all the good innocent monents we have had such as horseback riding, camping, kayaking, intimate times in the car, her apartment, my apartment, our apartment. I cant picture someone undressing her in our apartment putting her into bed and pleasing her sexually. I ****ing cant. I cant imagine her going out with other guys to dinners and things like this. She will be able to move on much faster than me, women tend to do so. I have had other longer relationships in the past but none of them have affected me like this one. She chose her drugs first, friends second, me third. The ****ed up thing is this - I cannot picture her stopping using her drugs in order to be perfect for someone else - why cant she do that for me? She hasnt replied to any of my messages since sunday - her last words before blocking me on facebook were - leave me the **** alone, i wish i never met you, dont text me again in your ****ing life. I feel so betrayed after all this. I hate her so much but then again I love her at the same time and miss being with her. She is so ****ing beautiful and I miss her piercings, her tattoo, her body, her everything. Her personality when she is good with me, her sexy sayings and our little invented words we had for eachother. I went from waking up to the most beautiful girl in the world for me everyday to waking up in the morning every day at 4 am shivering and shaking because I miss her so ****ing much. I am going through withdrawal, I know, and I also know that I am obsessing. I cant get her out of my head- I cant! I ****ed up in the beginning with my lies and anger, but she turned me from a dominant alpha male into a little bitch now that wont stop crying over her and wont stop blaming himself. I stopped my drinking, my lying, my anger - everything since the break up - I fixed all my problems. I lost my job, our dogs, her, the apartment and NYC. She lost nothing apparently, I was worth nothing to her. Help me, please. Edited March 21, 2014 by bk89
KevinC Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Wow im sorry my friend i know how you feel right now. I can relate as my ex is mexicain, i dont know what it is about about latin women but when you keep saying that she is so beautiful i feel the same about my ex. I dont know how much help i can be right now as i am in the dumps as well but one thing i ask you to do is dont make the same mistakes as me. Start no contact immediatly and commit to it i mean really commit to it. The damage is done i did the same thing to some extent, only thing left to do is to try and salvage whats left of your dignity and self-esteem and start to rebuild yourself. First piece is NC so plz from me to you be strong and hold the line, Best of luck to you.
Recommended Posts