whichwayisup Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 It's really hard to convince yourself it wasn't you when the WS tells you everything you did wrong that caused him to have the affair and also tells you "Our marriage was over before I ever had the affair..." He's acting like a total a.ss! Really, if he feels this way, why bother making any effort to save the marriage? Seems you as the BS are the one jumping through hoops, not him. Something is very wrong here considering he was the one who cheated and had the A. 1
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 He said he was angry when he said it but the problem is he lashes out a lot like this when we get into arguments. He hasn't said anything like that since and said he was wrong and out of line and there was no excuse for what he did, but sometimes I wonder if he really thinks that.... He's acting like a total a.ss! Really, if he feels this way, why bother making any effort to save the marriage? Seems you as the BS are the one jumping through hoops, not him. Something is very wrong here considering he was the one who cheated and had the A.
HermioneG Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I think you are confusing control with influence. Precisely.
fellini Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 The discussion actually revolves around a concept of influence on others NOT to have an affair. The poster used the word CONTROL rather than influence. So if you read my posts, you will see I challenged this "absolute control" because it is not an appropriate word for how a married couple "influence" each other's behaviour. That said, I still believe there is a difference between influence and control. For example, influence is generally doing something and others are "moved" to behaviours that are a result of seeing what you have done. I can act in a marriage so as to influence my S into seeing that I am NOT the type of person to engage in an affair. I can "control" my spouse through direct demands or acts that might, for example, reduce the chances that she/he crosses boundaries. If we can speak of controlling our children, then it makes sense to imagine we can control other persons we love. The extreme "you cannot control your spouse" is obviously just that, an extreme thing to say. But to acknowledge that we do not "absolutely control" someone does not mean that we cannot do things that are controlling. How many WS here start their stories with... "my H was very controllling..." they dont say "My H was very influencing on me..." I think you are confusing control with influence.
fellini Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 (edited) My WS told me the marriage was over before she began with the AP. But she said that as her initial excuse. Later, of course, she recanted. She chased that AP for almost a year before they made it real. It wasnt hard to pull out a calendar and remind her of all the things we had done as a couple, and as a family during the course of her shifting from me as primary relationship to him. She was hard pressed to find anything serious enough to claim how bads things were, except of course, during those months her head was already turned. That said, EXIT affairs are about just that, a marriage that is over but the one who knows it, just hasnt decided to do anything about it yet except look for the replacement unit. But I do not agree what what you say about people having character flaws. This seems to deterministic to me. In my past, I cheated on lots of my GF's, I fooled around, I did lots of things that one is not supposed to do in a committed relationship. After a failed common law marriage I met someone and decided to actual get married. I knew that this person was exactly what I wanted in a LTR, and I knew that I was DONE being with other women, and I knew why. As I was always in contact with lovely younger and flirting women I never once crossed any lines. Not even to test the waters. In the past I would have at least tested. 18 years married without so much as flirting. My mistake was believing my S was the same as me, and not thinking I should have the same radar running as I used to have when I was younger. Won't be fooled again. But I do not think that people cannot "grow out of" their poor choices. I will never cheat on my WW. Never. Ill divorce her. But I won't cheat on her. And what I won't do is go looking for a replacement before I ask for a divorce. If that is what I want, Id end the charade before hitting the streets. It's really hard to convince yourself it wasn't you when the WS tells you everything you did wrong that caused him to have the affair and also tells you "Our marriage was over before I ever had the affair..." he told me this about two months ago when I had a bad day and cried about it all. I told him I wished he had told me it was over because he sure as hell told her by sleeping with her and buying her a bunch of gifts worth $5,000. I would have preferred being told it was over versus being shown. Still, I know that he would have cheated no matter what because, yes, I do believe he has a character flaw that predisposed him to do this. It stems from his childhood. I know that. I'm not saying I'm better than him and didn't make mistakes. I'm not saying I could never cheat... I believe anyone can make that poor decision, as much as it pains me to admit that, but I do believe he would have cheated no matter who he was married to. Edited March 27, 2014 by fellini
Fluttershy Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 OP, I urge you to revisit all your past posts (just yours). Sometimes it can be quite enlightning.
Snowflower Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 OP, I haven't seen this addressed in this thread, but how can anyone be expected to change when they don't know what caused their choices in the first place? I see a lot of red flags in your situation. I really hate to say this but unless your H can figure out exactly why he did what he did without blaming you or the state of your marriage, then the risk of him cheating again is huge. Cheating is a huge line to cross, especially if one has been faithful to a relationship up until then. I think that once that line has been breached, it is easier to do again the 2nd time. It's not because the unfaithful spouse particularly wants to but just that is a new mechanism for them to use when the times get tough. It's always easier to do something the 2nd time whether its something innocuous like learning a new sport or harmful like cheating. It takes a huge amount of self-knowledge for an unfaithful spouse to recognize their vulnerabilities to this mechanism. Tread carefully, OP.
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