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Will the attraction ever come back for my husband post-affair?

halfalive

By halfalive
in The Other Man / Woman

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halfalive Established Member

halfalive

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I'm almost a year past my affair. I still love the xMM and think about him off and on. He could not give less of a s*** about me now that he is free and single and I realize it. But I can't make the feelings go away.

 

 

I'm trying to make things work with my husband. I care about him and enjoy spending time with him. We have children, we do a lot together and he loves me. He truly does. But........my sexual interest when it comes to him is right around 0. I don't feel attracted to him and it's becoming a problem. Anyone else experienced this?

Clay Established Member

Clay

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Sometimes the love is really just dead and you may never get that attraction back. I can imagine yours mostly is the way it is because you still want your OM.

As long as those feelings are still there you probably will not have any changes toward your H. Does your H know of your A?

 

Clay

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halfalive Established Member

halfalive

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Yes, he does. He even knows I still have feelings for OM. I just wish I could snap my fingers and have it back to the way it was before the affair.

Clay Established Member

Clay

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I know this is hard but you might want to separate to try to give yourself some time to really sort your feelings. There has to be a serious reason why you would do this to your marriage. You need to deal with that before you can get anything serious with your H again.

 

I can't say I would have stuck with you myself knowing you still have feelings for the OM. Your husband is clearly a better man than me.

 

Clay

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

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Have you gone through any IC to help resolve your personal issues and feelings re the xMM?

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halfalive Established Member

halfalive

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I know this is hard but you might want to separate to try to give yourself some time to really sort your feelings. There has to be a serious reason why you would do this to your marriage. You need to deal with that before you can get anything serious with your H again.

 

I can't say I would have stuck with you myself knowing you still have feelings for the OM. Your husband is clearly a better man than me.

 

Clay

 

 

 

I completely agree with you. Actually, I asked my husband twice for a separation and he flipped out both times. In his opinion, if we are getting separated then we are getting divorced. He equates being separated with allowing me to be single. Trust me, I tried to do the whole "we won't be seeing other people, this is a time for me to figure things out" speech. At the end of the day, it wasn't worth it because he would not cooperate.

 

 

I also did some personal counseling for awhile but I didn't feel like it was doing much of anything for me.

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

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Maybe you need to find a better counsellor :)

 

Whether you and your husband stay together or not, you need to find a way to move on from the past. You are stuck at the moment and you will not be able to find peace - or happiness - until you let go.

Clay Established Member

Clay

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I agree with Anne. Have you considered just getting a D. I know that is extreme but if you cant get past these feelings then why stay married. You both will only be miserable longer. It can't be great for him knowing your in love with someone else. I know this might sound extreme but like I said that was something seriously wrong to do all this in the first place.

 

I am a BS so its really hard for me to understand that logic in cheating.

 

Clay

Hardgrind Established Member

Hardgrind

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Halfalive,

 

I am a BH on the other end of this issue. My WW reconnected with an old flame. The EA went on for 4 - 5 months before it became a PA, which continued for 4 months before D-Day.

 

Do you still contact the OM? My wife does, although she has stated that the PA is over. She still thinks she can go back to being just friends with him. She has also told me she gets zero physical stimulation from me. That, combined with the strong emotional ties that developed between them, is the hardest part for me to deal with in our attempts to reconcile.

 

As the BH, its obvious to me she needs to cut all ties to the OM before there is any chance she will regain any sexual interest in me, but she is not yet willing to accept that there is a connection between the two things (cutting all ties and regaining attraction for me). At this point I am committed to reconciling and realize that she needs some time to overcome her obsessive feelings for the OM. It's a race because I can already feel it wearing me down even just 2 months after D-Day. I have tried to stay open and accessible to her, but if this goes on for much longer and her feelings and interactions with the OM continue blocking full reconciliation between us, I know at some point I will need to withdraw in order to protect myself. We are both in IC and MC.

 

If your hope/desire is to eventually redevelop sexual attraction for your H, make sure he knows this; tell him frequently even as you are struggling with this issue. It will make his path easier than if he must constantly struggle with doubts about whether you actually want to regain those feelings for him.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
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I'm almost a year past my affair. I still love the xMM and think about him off and on. He could not give less of a s*** about me now that he is free and single and I realize it. But I can't make the feelings go away.

 

 

I'm trying to make things work with my husband. I care about him and enjoy spending time with him. We have children, we do a lot together and he loves me. He truly does. But........my sexual interest when it comes to him is right around 0. I don't feel attracted to him and it's becoming a problem. Anyone else experienced this?

 

So why are you with him? Why didn't you divorce and move on?

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halfalive Established Member

halfalive

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Halfalive,

 

I am a BH on the other end of this issue. My WW reconnected with an old flame. The EA went on for 4 - 5 months before it became a PA, which continued for 4 months before D-Day.

 

Do you still contact the OM? My wife does, although she has stated that the PA is over. She still thinks she can go back to being just friends with him. She has also told me she gets zero physical stimulation from me. That, combined with the strong emotional ties that developed between them, is the hardest part for me to deal with in our attempts to reconcile.

 

As the BH, its obvious to me she needs to cut all ties to the OM before there is any chance she will regain any sexual interest in me, but she is not yet willing to accept that there is a connection between the two things (cutting all ties and regaining attraction for me). At this point I am committed to reconciling and realize that she needs some time to overcome her obsessive feelings for the OM. It's a race because I can already feel it wearing me down even just 2 months after D-Day. I have tried to stay open and accessible to her, but if this goes on for much longer and her feelings and interactions with the OM continue blocking full reconciliation between us, I know at some point I will need to withdraw in order to protect myself. We are both in IC and MC.

 

If your hope/desire is to eventually redevelop sexual attraction for your H, make sure he knows this; tell him frequently even as you are struggling with this issue. It will make his path easier than if he must constantly struggle with doubts about whether you actually want to regain those feelings for him.

 

 

 

No, we are not still in contact. We did contact each other a couple of times after the original DDay but it was more messy than it was worth. He's divorced now, happily single (it appears) and has no interest in talking to me anymore. I do agree that would be a HUGE block in regaining intimacy.

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halfalive Established Member

halfalive

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So why are you with him? Why didn't you divorce and move on?

 

Yeah....if it was that easy, it would have been done long ago. He fought tooth and nail for me to stay. Also, we have young children that took it VERY hard when I left for a week. That is the main reason we are trying to make it work. Again, I do really care about him, but the passion? Not there anymore.

RightThere Established Member

RightThere

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Deep down, I don't think you do love your husband. You love what he provides you with (security, support) but you don't actually love him. Probably because you don't respect him.

 

I would suggest you separate. I don't think you'll get the perspective you want by staying in that supportive environment. You need to be on your own so you can decide what you really want.

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TurningTables Established Member

TurningTables

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Half alive,

 

First off, I am sorry you have not been able to move past this. May I ask what your sex life was before you had the A? If it was good, then you know what is holding you back. It's the emotional ties you have with OM.

What kind of problems did you have in your M before the A? If any?

 

TT

Friskyone4u Established Member

Friskyone4u

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HalfAlive,

 

If you cannot regain the attraction for your husband somehow, it is just a matter of time before you have another A, and you will be miserable in the meantime. If you are not getting helped by therapy of any kind, do you think all of a sudden it is going to just click in again. If your BS is going bonkers about stuff now, imagine what is going to happen next time.

 

HardGrind,

I read your post. Sorry for what you are going thru, but you did not have the affair, and you need to be in control, period. If your WW wants to maintain contact with the OM, that is bull ****, and I cannot believe any therapist would say that is OK. You did NOTHNIG wrong, and she is calling the shots. I know its hard, but this will go on until you put a stop to it, and make a lot of other demands. You say you are getting worn down. Dont do it to yourself. You already have gone thru enough.

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Hardgrind Established Member

Hardgrind

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Fiskyone4u,

 

I appreciate your comments for both myself and HalfAlive. Without giving too many details (I don't want to hijack HalfAlive's thread) there is a plan that I am executing.

 

The therapist by no means said that continued contact was okay, in fact it was stressed that our marriage has no chance if the contact does continue. However making demands of my wife are counterproductive, in that it triggers her to put up walls and withdraw. The therapist also saw this very clearly. We both need to be in control of our own decisions, not each others.

 

Our relationship became very rocky during the three months prior to D-Day because I was almost certain that the affair was taking place and I was already on the emotional rollercoaster. After D-Day I realized that I needed to create a more positive, attractive recent history for our marriage. There is a specific date in the near future on which I will make it clear that it is time for her to make a clear choice between working on our marriage or continuing contact with the OM.

 

And to tie this back in to your advice to HalfAlive, I fully agree that if she does not regain the attraction/passion/desire for her husband that another affair is likely, for both her and her husband. Because if HalfAlive is not meeting many of her husbands emotional needs, eventually he will discover someone else who will, whether planned or not. The same holds true for my wife and I, and its why I'm willing to withstand additional short term pain in exchange for the increased probability that mutual affection will replace mutual resentment in our future.

 

HalfAlive,

 

My final bit of advice is don't necessarily expect to recreate the exact same passion you had for your husband prior to the affair, or the same passion you have for the OM. You both have changed as a result of the affair, so try to create a different mutual passion for each other. I know its easier said than done.

jwi71 Established Member

jwi71

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Yeah....if it was that easy, it would have been done long ago.

 

Which is easier?

D now and live with the hope of finding that passion and love for another (and allowing your H to do the same) and LIVING a good life in a good M

 

or

 

Staying M in a passionless and sexually unsatisfying M for...what 10? 15 years? How long could you keep up that charade?

 

or

 

Actually TRYING to reconnect with your H and getting your M back to a good (or at least better) place. Well, I may be ahead of myself here, have you, in your opinion, TRIED to reconnect?

 

He fought tooth and nail for me to stay.

 

Not his choice to make. Yours. You don't NEED his permission to leave.

 

Also, we have young children that took it VERY hard when I left for a week.

 

Of course they do. Mine did too - they were 5 and 3 at the time.

Flash forward almost 6 years to now - one is straight A's the other almost (always manages to get 1 B somehow) - healthy, happy and well adjusted.

Point here is thus: the kids will be OK. Put them first, love them, hold them...and they'll come through just fine.

 

That is the main reason we are trying to make it work.

 

Can't make yourself love someone. While R's do take work - they also require a true and earnest effort - and pining about the OM prevents that.

Again, I do really care about him, but the passion? Not there anymore.

 

Back to my three questions...which life do you want?

Once known...what ACTIONS do you need to do to get there....

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Artie Lang Established Member

Artie Lang

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at this point, i think you need to take the initiative and ask for a separation/divorce. it's clear that your husband- for whatever reason -cannot seem to understand your marriage is pretty much dead- romantically speaking.

 

 

also, in reading your previous posts, you can't seem to go complete NC with this guy. how in the world are you gonna get over him if you continually break NC? that is why you still pine for him.

 

to be honest, it doesn't sound like you're making a good enough effort on this front.

Edited by Artie Lang
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BrokenPrincess Established Member

BrokenPrincess

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Did you feel the attraction to your H before the A?

Scott Thomas Established Member

Scott Thomas

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Trust me, it'll come back if he divorces you and starts dating another woman.

At least that's what reignited my wife's desire years ago.

Scott Thomas Established Member

Scott Thomas

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Alternatively, you could try MC. If you find the time, read some books. I found his needs her needs, the men are from Mars women are from Venus series, and Michelle Langeley's Women's Infidelity useful.

Dean13 Established Member

Dean13

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Lack of passion for your husband or the affair?

MuddyFootprints Established Member

MuddyFootprints

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I'm almost a year past my affair. I still love the xMM and think about him off and on. He could not give less of a s*** about me now that he is free and single and I realize it. But I can't make the feelings go away.

 

 

I'm trying to make things work with my husband. I care about him and enjoy spending time with him. We have children, we do a lot together and he loves me. He truly does. But........my sexual interest when it comes to him is right around 0. I don't feel attracted to him and it's becoming a problem. Anyone else experienced this?

 

You still haven't exactly come to terms with xmm's rejection. While you realise he doesn't give a ****, you have been unsuccessful purging your romantic fantasy.

 

Have you had a chance to read about limerence? If not, give it a google.

 

Do you and your husband have non-romantic passion in your lives? Is there something, a hobby, interest, or cause that you both feel passionately about that you can share and can really reconnect with on a different level?

 

With us, our common passion is food. We aren't quite tearing our clothes off in the kitchen, but it really brings us together and that passion has begun to carry into the bedroom.

Edited by MuddyFootprints
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