Cherish what was, or hatred... why and which?

[Pinwheel]

I am an OM. I have been meandering through the forums on Loveshack for some time, story after story, many similar, many different. Some so long term, others so short.

 

My own story is coming to an end, and the sadness that follows that sort of loss is all too familiar with so many here. I worry what the next few weeks will bring, we have all been through heartbreak before... and I remember the last time so vividly, not a thing I am overly desiring to jump back in to.

 

Neither party on my end was married, I was single, she was in a long term relationship. No kids, much less drama than many stories here have involved. We have been conducting this for about a year, never a harsh word, friends for about 6. Of course, as with these things, the highs were very high, and the stress, when not able to see one another, was also stressful. We are both exhausted at this point, and the details seem less important overall from story to story.

 

But my question, so many seem to leave these things, bitter, filled with anger, resentment. When I think on my own affair, as heartbroken and pain filled as it is... I cannot conjure hate filled feelings for her, even an ounce. Sadness I get, and some of the levels of douchbagery I have read from one side or the other justifies hatred to a degree. But from most of the stories, the tale is fairly standard, and the harsh feelings and vile hatred I see spewed about xMM's, OM's, AP's etc... just seem to derive from a view that, so and so should have left for me, and since they didn't, hate.

 

I look at my AP, stuck as she is inside twisted emotions, for me, for him. The love she feels for both completely different. She loves me, I love her, ours is more romantic in nature, more organic. For him she feels love, not romantic, but lifelong friend based. She leaves for me, that side collapses and he taints the pool of friends involved. She stays with him, life becomes more about the shares nostalgia attached to a house, a pool of shared friends, a life less romantic. I get it.

 

I get why it is so hard, I get why it is so paralyzing, I get her. I am sad yes, I long for her words and the sight of her, a laugh... but staying as I now accept that she is, I do not hate, nor do I blame her... I understand.

 

Are there others, who get it, who formed what amounts to a lifelong bond. That didn't feel rejected, but understood why things were the way they were? My AP will eventually leave her BF, it is inevitable, the relationship is toxic on levels and she is stronger than she does realize, someday will be enough. I will be gone, years may pass, life itself becomes a commodity traded for complacency after a while. But hatred, blame, never. I love her, and cannot even force such feelings. I wont be around to admire her anymore, but she will always hold a place of intense value to me, a bond was formed, we shared pieces of our lives, and I cherish every second.

 

Are there others? That do not hate, but understand, that cherish the time over all else?

[gettingstronger]

I am a BS so take it for what its worth

 

Our OW has said time and time again that she has zero regrets about any of it and will always love my husband-

 

My husband hates the thought of what he did-who he became and I think that spills over to how he feels about her- he has zero good feelings about any of it-he vomits at therapy when its discussed-she also continued to intrude for almost a year after dday-

 

Possibly the difference- she wanted it to be an exit affair and her husband ended up leaving her-he needed the ego boost and lost his way, never intended on leaving-just allowed himself to be someone he loathes-

[Quiet Storm]

I think there are affairs where those involved accept things for what they are, with no hard feelings. I've seen this happen more often in cases where both partners were married, though.

 

I think the hate comes from the lies that often go along with affairs. The future faking, the stringing along, etc. Disappointment due to unmet expectations.

 

I think many affair partners assume that the cheater is a good person in a bad situation. A victim of their circumstances. However, over time I think some affair partners see clues that make them question the cheaters character. Especially if it becomes clear that the cheater isn't only lying to the spouse, but lies to avoid any kind of conflict. They may think "this woman isn't just stuck in a bad relationship... she has serious issues".

 

It becomes difficult to trust the cheater, so intimacy is damaged. Resentment grows when promises are broken. You can only be disappointed and hurt so many times before you begin to guard yourself from that person.

 

Sometimes people realize the affair was just a manifestation of the cheaters issues, similar to an addiction. So it loses it's "specialness". Maybe the strong connection wasn't based on a positive, mutual attraction. Some of the most intense connections are the unhealthiest.

 

You are accepting of her struggles and don't expect much from her. When you don't expect anything... you won't be as disappointed. Most people aren't like that. They want to have a life with the person that they love. They have dreams, hopes and expectations.

 

If the cheater is making promises, planning a future together but never takes any steps to make that happen... faith will turn to confusion, confusion will turn suspicion, which turns into resentment, which eventually kills the love.

[Wambo]

Pinwheel

 

First I want to congratulate you on an excellent post. You had made not only some interesting points but some valid ones too. It's important to reconginse not all affairs are the same and most people here need to accept this. I think the reason why many people here believe all affairs are the same because most members here are women who are currently being used by a married man.

 

In my situation I had a great platonic friendship and a few years later it developed into an EA. How many people here fell in love with one of their best friends and I don't think it's that many? In most cases it just a married man hitting on another woman and sucked her into a fantasy world.

 

I'm not denying my exAP was stringing me along and telling me lies so I would play a big part in her life. If I had to be honest I really hate her for that but not all of it was her fault, some of it was mine for allowing this situation to develope. However recently I had noticed a big change in her behaviour towards me, because we work in the same building there's no way to aviod her. Anyway she often looks at me and I can tell the way she looked at me she knows she ****ed up. She misses me and I'm not talking about affair terms either.

 

The only thing annoyed me is she still with her boyfriend. In a way I feel mistreated because I went through so much pains due to her problems and she still living with him.

[Hope Shimmers]

Great post pinwheel.

 

He was (is) the love of my life. I will never hate him - just the opposite. Despite what I went through, I will never be sorry I met him. Life happened and we could not be together.

[BrokenPrincess]

I don't hate my xAP either, and never have. We're both married and 1.5yrs out from his DDay. There was no future faking but I do love him, even if we didn't/don't discuss it. As Quiet Storm said, we accepted the A for what it for it was & tried to just enjoy each other for as long as we could. Now that it's over, I still feel deeply hurt & sad that he can't be in my life anymore but I don't blame him at all or regret the time we shared.

[Lady2163]

If you believe the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference, there are many I am indifferent to.

 

Between the ages of 16 - 23, I was single and involved with a lot of married men. I don't even want to guess...it's hard for me to fathom that I am think g of relationships from over 30 years ago...how did I get so old?

 

Anyway, there are some I hate. The 35 year old who seduced me when I was very much a virgin at 16 should have gone to jail. He was horribly manipulative and damn near a pedophile. He commented one time how arousing is was to watch my breasts grow. I may have been 16, but that is the maturity of a 12 year old in today's standards.

 

I hate the one I thought was probably the love of my life. We are in NC, by my choice. Kind of a long story.

 

The ones that weren't abusive, neglectful, manipulative...well, I tracked down a dozen of them when I got divorced. Most had divorced and remarried. None were single. I liked them well enough to consider them potential relationships if they had been single. But since they weren't, I didn't keep in touch. Of that, the two who were military buddies, I wished I had kept in touch.

 

Then there are many I am just indifferent to. I'd be hard pressed to remember their middle names, birthday or age. I just don't care. They don't live close to me, I really am not interested in being phone or email buddies. They just aren't a priority.

[Kiwi princess]

I don't hate him-I just wonder how I could've been so stupid to believe that what we had was so special & amazing & magical & romantic & fairy tale-like when what it actually was was a seedy, sordid, selfish, ugly & toxic interaction that hurt so many people. I wonder how I could have been so deep in the fog that I actually thought I was in love with him when in fact he is the opposite of everything that I respect & love. I wonder how I could've had my head so far up my a-s-s & what an idiot I was for risking everything-my marriage, my children, my reputation, my self respect, for a man who was only interested in my body. And it makes me feel physically ill. So, no, I don't hate him, I just feel like an idiot & I never ever want to see him or think of him again.

[PurpleCardigan]

I don't think the world is as black and white as cherish what was or hatred. My current goal is indifference but with warm memories of him...but I'm on the path and don't know what emotions the future will bring. As I work through the stages of grieving, and go back and forth into and out of anger or denial or compassion sometimes my feelings are very strong. I can cherish some days, hate the next or something in between. I do know that this, too, shall pass. I've had to grieve worse in the past two years.

 

I'm angry at myself as well as him. But I do fall into the category of a single female with a MM who believed that he was single until we were already dating, believed the future faking lies that he was leaving his marriage, believed the ILYs, tried friendship and no contact, and eventually couldn't take the hurt from the push-pull of come closer, no wait you are too close, and I told him never to speak to me again. The fact remains that he was not going to walk away nor get a divorce, and despite my feelings for him I was going to have to be strong enough to walk away -- that's the part that sucks most of all.

 

So I'm somewhere on the spectrum and, again, hope for indifference but with warm memories of the good times but time will tell...

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm angry at myself as well as him. But I do fall into the category of a single female with a MM who believed that he was single until we were already dating, believed the future faking lies that he was leaving his marriage, believed the ILYs, tried friendship and no contact, and eventually couldn't take the hurt from the push-pull of come closer, no wait you are too close, and I told him never to speak to me again. The fact remains that he was not going to walk away nor get a divorce, and despite my feelings for him I was going to have to be strong enough to walk away -- that's the part that sucks most of all.

 

You will get there PC. My A background is identical except my A lasted many years and we were close friends years before that. I don't remember your exact situation. You will one day cherish the feelings you had rather than hurt from them.

 

I agree with your point that it's usually not so black and white as 'cherish' versus 'hate'.

[RickFox]

No warm fuzzies, no hatred, no anger anymore, I simply could care less

[C00kie]

I think many affair partners assume that the cheater is a good person in a bad situation. A victim of their circumstances. However, over time I think some affair partners see clues that make them question the cheaters character. Especially if it becomes clear that the cheater isn't only lying to the spouse, but lies to avoid any kind of conflict.

 

To this day, this remain as one of the hardest things for me to figure out: was he a person who obviously lacked very important values, or was he simply trapped in a very bad situation, eaten up by his fears and not wanting to hurt anyone?

 

It's not always easy to come up with the answer. There are good memories about him, and they can blurr your vision. But mostly...mostly it's suffering and uncertainty. Did he not do better because he could not? Did he love me? If he loved her, why would he leave her for a whole month hardly talking to her? But if he did not love her, why was it so hard to leave her when he had someone he loved and loved him back? Was it the son and mother and finances holding him back? If so, then why did he keep telling her throughout their relationship that he loved her a lot (I saw sms and e-mails), while telling me the same? And why did he travel the globe many times JUST to see me, leaving her behind not calling her for days? Why keep in touch with me for so long when I was so far away, always eager to see me? It's completely crazy making.

 

And not being able to get the answers makes it hard to get closure and move on. I think I'll just have to accept it was what it was. I think he loved me, but it wasn't enough for me, or fair on anyone. Couldn't have worked that way. Whether he's broken, or weak, or lost, or selfish, or lacking values, the outcome was that he was not able to do something to be with me and leave the wife behind.

 

OP, I don't think we should keep bad feelings about AP. In the long run, resentment will just leave us feeling bitter and never being able to move on. On the other hand, the affair being such a traumatic experience (at least for me), I don't think it's something to cherish either. It's just something to learn from, accept, and move forward, not having bad feeling towards the person...hoping they find their way, and we find ours, and moving on.

[Poppy's sister]

Pinwheel that was a lovely post.

I find reading everyone's hurt and anger etc very difficult, though i understand those feelings.

I recently posted about my situation, which as all is "complicated"...I had replies stating AP was future faking, stringing me along etc, however like your situation, actually none of that happened.

We, as 2 adults, discussed at various points what could happen and together, taking into account each others feelings, ties, emotions, came to agree the situation we then continued with.

What made me post was some self doubts and insecurities based on an expectation that was mine . Having an expectation is a sure fire way to a self mediated resentment.

My AP and i have talked through this several times since I posted, at no point offering any certainties or promises for the future but an agreement to be together and support each other in whatever we each individually decide to to with regard to out personal circumstances.

I do not hate him, he does not hate me, if we decide or one of us decides that we cannot continue then it will be with sadness and loss we part , but never hate, because in the end we promised each other nothing and gave as much as we could.

I wish you well, with dealing with the sadness that will surely follow but admire you greatly for your sensitive post.