My story, as requested. :)

[greeneydgrl]

Greetings, All!

 

I could not help but comment on Jllbcb's post yesterday. I was asked for my "story". I'm somewhat reticent to give it, but will do so in the hopes of helping another. Those posting here are obviously not in a healthy or happy place, they are seeking upliftment and support. While many times I do see advice/comments made it the spirit of kindness, I've watched others be attacked and beaten while already so very down. Not a good time!

 

Jllbcb, thank you again for your kind words. The others too. Kalilove, I'm sorry if you misunderstood my statement. I am in no way a "serial side piece". I was referring to myself, my husband, and my AP. (Or OM? I'm not good with all the terminology so please just try to tolerate me.) I feel that would be similar to my asking if you are a serial jackass without having all the facts. I trust you are not.

 

Let's see. From my perspective, great childhood. I grew up in a privileged, happy environment. Father was a renowned physician, mom equally talented. I was handed a modeling career at age 16, traveled all over, things just came "easily" to me. I was always VERY grateful and VERY aware that most people were not so fortunate. I was a gangly, rather awkward kid (5'9" in sixth grade isn't really "cool"), and I suppose that sense of not quite fitting in stuck with me. I've always lived to make other people feel good about themselves. "INAPPFRIENDLY" (I think that's her user name) had me laughing until I cried the other day, talking about how she fell a little bit in love with everyone she meets...I get that. I'm genuinely interested in people, and am friends with people at the highest levels, and what others would call lowest. I'm an equal opportunity befriender.

 

Regardless of how I felt/feel inside, I'm the one people look at as "having it all." I think I've felt guilty about that and gone out of my way to show others I'm "just like them". I pick men that are troubled, thinking of course I will make their lives brighter. I will just fix them right up with a smile and good humor. Speaking from experience, this does not work!

 

My husband (ex, but we are working on things) is a rockstar in his field. He's controlling, pompous, belligerent and at times, verbally abusive. He's also extremely bright, sensitive, dutiful, and a wonderful father. I was attracted to his intelligence, edginess, (I'm very all american, straight and narrow. Yes, I get the irony.) confidence. I'm very outgoing, he's very quiet. Except when he's NOT.

 

We've been married 12 years, two daughters. About 5 years ago, I began to feel insignificant to him. Like a nice piece of furniture. He was nasty, hostile, just generally unpleasant to be around. If things didn't go his way, LOOK OUT. He was always like this, just got worse, as he got older. Not a great way to live. I suppose I was resigned to it, thought maybe I deserved a period of misery because the majority of my life had been pretty wonderful. Absurd thought process. I was (still am I suppose, which is why I find it so difficult to post here) also attached to trying to be "perfect", giving my kids all that that "perfect" entails. I've done a fabulous job of blowing that picture up, not to worry.

 

Four years ago, I met someone. Unexpectedly, out of nowhere. Instantaneous "knowing". I have been approached over the years many times, never had even brief flash of thought of having an affair. EVER. When I met this person, I was "done" in my marriage. "Hate" is not too strong of word for the way I felt about my husband. (These feelings started a year/two bf meeting AP, just to be clear.) I would dream he'd get run over by a train. I was stuck, I'd moved across the country for this man, my family far away. I was angry, sad, scared...But I love my children and couldn't stand the thought of them being with him half time should we divorce. I was sure he couldn't care for them "like I do." (Narcissistic of me, yes.) He doesn't hug or express much affection, I worried about that, just on and on.

 

So, I meet a man who is funny, charismatic, sweet, kind, compassionate, generous, loving, and even a little goofy. I remember feeling a levity that had been missing for a very long time. It felt "right". It felt perfect. It was a relief, and frankly, being in his presence was just FUN. Easy. He was nice to me, always, so supportive and cared about my feelings! Imagine! I was so used to being treated rather badly, I probably would have gone home with a beagle at this point. Please know there is NO EXCUSE for my deciding an affair would be a great solution to my unhappiness. It was a terrible idea, one that will haunt me forever, no matter how things turn out.

 

Fast forward 2 1/2 years. AP and I are planning our lives. I wake up and realize, "HOLY %$#&. I haven't had the decency to inform my husband I do not love him and have found someone else." It would occasionally cross my mind over the years, but I justified in ALL SORTS OF bizarre ways. I could not admit to myself that I'd truly lost my previously well working moral compass. The failure I felt as a person nearly did me in. If not for my children, I don't know how I would have kept on going. Self hate at it's worst.

 

Affair was discovered. Instead of throwing me on the street or harming me...My husband cried. I'd hurt him in the WORST way. But. His hard shell cracked. He has become much more loving, he's gotten therapy for his long time anger issues, and I can honestly say he is a different person. He showed me more compassion and love than I ever felt possible. I did not feel deserving of it, that is for sure. It's been a long road, and I would not have thought I could ever survive. I'm stronger than I knew.

 

AP (OM. Hell, I don't know.) is still in the picture. He sends me letters, calls, texts...(Please don't say "block". When someone wants to find you, they do just that.) It's gut wrenching. I will not say I don't love him. I'm confused, working like crazy on myself to figure it all out. AP is devastated...I do not return calls or letters, and am seen as completely heartless. I'm just trying to do what is best for everyone, and I don't even know what that is yet. I can say that there is a good part of my heart that is now walled off, I don't know if that will ever change. While I'm still the happy, friendly, life loving person others know on the outside, I'm also now damaged inexplicably.

 

It's so easy to hear something like this and be judgemental. If I'd heard my story (or any of these on here) previously, I would have jumped right on the "don't be a total degenerate" bandwagon. Here I am, in a situation I never dreamt possible. To say life is not all black and white is an understatement. The shades of gray, pink, orange, blue and green play a big part, too.

 

Wow. I can't believe I just told you all this. Thanks for *listening*

Wishing you all much PEACE.

Greeneydgrl

Edited March 21, 2014 by greeneydgrl

[KaliLove]

Most assuredly not a serial jackass. In fact, not a jackass at all. Thanks for asking though!

 

 

Why are you staying with your husband if you don't love him? Why don't you think he deserves a chance to find someone who does, as you have done? Not saying that judgmentally, it's a genuine question.

[whichwayisup]

Affair was discovered. Instead of throwing me on the street or harming me...My husband cried. I'd hurt him in the WORST way. But. His hard shell cracked. He has become much more loving, he's gotten therapy for his long time anger issues, and I can honestly say he is a different person. He showed me more compassion and love than I ever felt possible. I did not feel deserving of it, that is for sure. It's been a long road, and I would not have thought I could ever survive. I'm stronger than I knew.

 

But do you still feel that love for your husband?

 

Keeping in touch with the OM is not fair to your husband, to your kids, your marriage and also to the OM. He is the single one here and loves you, wants you for himself but if you are choosing your family over him, then you have to let him go, and that means no contact. As time goes on your H won't put up with your contact with the OM.

 

Side note, your H has worked on himself, have you worked on yourself and fixed the broken parts which led you to have an affair and fall for another man?

[veryhappy]

Let's go back to the great childhood. Are you sure? People with great childhoods don't jump into a pile of mess. Distant father?

 

You'd be better off to stop criticizing yourself so harshly. Your amazing and forgiving husband has been abusive for years. Wait and see if those magic changes stick.

 

Your fMOM should be informed there's no future for him in no uncertain terms so he can move on.

 

You had an A as a cry for help, got what you wanted. Is it what you want or just the right thing?

[snappytomcat]

im a bs,and I don't have any words for you,but I feel compassion for you and your situation,i hope you,and your husband can work things out,if that's what you both want to do

[Clay]

Does your husband know your still cheating on him? Why not tell him if he does not know. It sounds like your happy having two men in your life why not give him the opportunity to go have sex with other women too.

 

You should get him on here. We could help him move on from you. It could be a healthy transition into a better life for him and his kids.

 

Give him a chance to find someone not broken.

 

Clay

[whatatangledweb]

You don't have to figure out what is best for everyone. Just what is best for you. It appears you feel you need to be perfect. For your parents, husband, children, and others. That is impossible. You then begin to wear a mask. Everyone sees this happy, content woman, yet inside you are none of those. I feel for you, I can see the pain in your post. Think hard of what you want and need. Just you. Then pick one and let the other go so they can find their happiness.

[greeneydgrl]

Kalilove, (aka not a jackass) fair enough.

My post was just getting so long I feared it had stopped making sense.

My relationship with my husband had gotten so bad, I did indeed no longer love him. However, watching him show such love for me, something I had not felt or seen previously...it has changed my feelings. I'm still not sure and we are taking things a day at a time. We divorced. He is free to find someone should he choose to do so. I wish happiness for him, with whomever that may be.

 

WWIU, I am certainly working on myself. I thought it went without saying, someone in my position had sure better be getting some counseling. It is helpful for us both. We ALL have broken parts, best we can do is acknowledge it, work on those aspects with love.

 

Cute dragon: let's say great childhood compared to a lot of situations. I was grateful every day, still am. Were they flawed, for SURE! No parent is perfect, no human being is perfect. While I may "have jumped into a mess" do you know anyone who hasn't at some time jumped into a mess? Perhaps not this particular one, but I have yet to meet some one who hasn't epically screwed up at some point.

 

No, I don't think my ex husband is necessarily "amazing". I think he's trying. I think he's meditating and running miles and miles. Underneath the zen state is a whole lot of... Years of well practiced anger. Very good point about what I want vs the right thing.

[greeneydgrl]

Tangled web, thank you! Said with such wisdom and kindness. Really, really good advice. I'm choosing "neither" for now. I'm not in a position to be fully committed to either relationship. More interior work to do, and I just want to be.. Exceedingly cautious.

[whichwayisup]

If you and your husband are divorced now (though you did not mention that in your opening thread) then why not go for the OM? Or is he married as well?

[KaliLove]

Choosing yourself and being with neither is the perfect solution for the time being. I'm glad you did the right thing.

[Speakingofwhich]

ten characters

Edited March 21, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

[greeneydgrl]

speaking of which, I saw your first answer and was touched you took the time...you are dead on. I no longer see it, but it...truly nailed it. THANK YOU!

[Jllbcb]

Greeneydgirl. Thank you so much for posting

And sharing. I relate to so much of it. I wish

You future happiness regardless of which

Path you choose:)

[greeneydgrl]

Thank YOU, Jllbcb, and I'm wishing you the very same.

[veryhappy]

I asked you a question. No need to redirect it to the world. Yes, most people's lives are imperct that's why when you start with having a great childhood I challenged the idea. Was it really? You speak of privilege and you are fortunate. That doesn't guarantee you were loved, or had the attention you wanted or the freedom you needed. You are obviously a people pleaser and that stems somewhere. You never say "my family loved me so much and I grew up so happy, they were always there and I felt supported". Yes, you were and are privileged but it seems like you were always made too aware of it to the point of it becoming detrimental.

 

I'm not trying to attack you. You are evidently struggling and in pain. I suggest you try indigidual therapy and see if your self loathing will decrease. If it doesn't change therapists.

[Hope Shimmers]

I asked you a question. No need to redirect it to the world. Yes, most people's lives are imperct that's why when you start with having a great childhood I challenged the idea. Was it really? You speak of privilege and you are fortunate. That doesn't guarantee you were loved, or had the attention you wanted or the freedom you needed. You are obviously a people pleaser and that stems somewhere. You never say "my family loved me so much and I grew up so happy, they were always there and I felt supported". Yes, you were and are privileged but it seems like you were always made too aware of it to the point of it becoming detrimental.

 

I'm not trying to attack you. You are evidently struggling and in pain. I suggest you try indigidual therapy and see if your self loathing will decrease. If it doesn't change therapists.

 

With all due respect, I don't think it's that simple. I had a very loving supportive childhood with parents who never stopped being in love, and I 'jumped into a mess'.

 

OP, great post. I feel for you. My ex- husband sounds a lot like yours (except for the 'becoming a different person' part).

[jwi71]

It's gut wrenching. I will not say I don't love him. I'm confused, working like crazy on myself to figure it all out.

 

Myybe you should tell your BF (cant call him OM or AP as you are divorced) - and ask him for space. Consider it a test of his character and feelings for you.

This would also solve the need for blocking.

 

I'm just trying to do what is best for everyone, and I don't even know what that is yet.

 

Might as well try to count every grain of sand on the beach - both are impossible. Instead of giving a rat's azz about others (don't take that to an extreme ok) focus on YOU. Once you figure you out - the rest will fall in to place.

 

I can say that there is a good part of my heart that is now walled off, I don't know if that will ever change.

 

Walls are easy to take down. After all, you put it up.

When you are "there" or "ready" - you will find the wall less and less noticeable until it is gone.

 

While I'm still the happy, friendly, life loving person others know on the outside, I'm also now damaged inexplicably.

 

Up to you. If you wish to be damaged - be so.

If not, then poof you are no longer damaged.

(and that may take YEARS to get there)

 

Here I am, in a situation I never dreamt possible.

 

Ain't life a biatch sometimes?

 

To say life is not all black and white is an understatement. The shades of gray, pink, orange, blue and green play a big part, too.

 

And guess who the painter in YOUR life is.

 

My .02 cents if its worth even that.

[Speakingofwhich]

speaking of which, I saw your first answer and was touched you took the time...you are dead on. I no longer see it, but it...truly nailed it. THANK YOU!

 

 

OK, I will repost it then. I had taken so long to post that the site logged me out so I copied and pasted my post to an app outside of LS so as not to lose it when signing back in. Still have it there!

 

I was concerned that it was somewhat repetitious and also that I was being presumptive of you. Anyway, here it is:

 

Greeneydgrl, in reading your story I wondered if your life of privilege has held you in a symbolic hostage situation; a chamber with four walls and when OM came along it seemed as if he was a doorway of escape from that chamber into freedom.

 

Only to discover that the doorway he represented was not a doorway to freedom at all, but more of a trap door into a second chamber as constricting as the first one in a different way.

 

Now, possibly, you are trying to find your way out of the feeling of constriction that both the original chamber and the secondary constitute together.

 

You may be, while greatly privileged in many ways, a slave to expectations you've placed on yourself due to cultural and relational conditioning or for whatever other reason(s).

[Lady2163]

I don't know that I have anything worthy to add, just thought this was very well written.

 

I am also one of those who had an awesome childhood. I was loved, had extended family, had a moderate amount of material possessions. When I was 16 years old I was seduced by a married man. For age 16 to 23 I was the OW many, many times. Then for 15+ years I wasn't. Now I'm trying to extricate myself from a 7+ year friendship with married man.

 

One thing that jumped out at me, was OP is probably the last person on earth anyone would think was having an affair. I know there are people who think I am morally bankrupt, psycho and should never be trusted with anything ever again. I have no chance at redemption or getting into heaven.

 

And yet, it would shock people to know I'm in my situation. I'm the friend you leave your kids with when you want a night out with your spouse. I'm the neighbor your aging parent calls at 100 AM because they fell and need a ride to the hospital. When there is an emergency, I'm the one you call for a ride to the airport. I'm smart, funny, financially in great shape, average looking. I have a home based service business. You could very well be using my products. I don't cheat on my taxes or my customers. I don't steal, use drugs or drink. I do have a problem with speeding tickets, but I'm trying to change that.

 

Your post reminded me the affair is only one facet of someone's personality, it does not always define them completely.

[greeneydgrl]

To all of you who have replied with such warmth and eloquence, THANK YOU!

While there is a part of me that is indeed broken, there are many parts of me that are not. I believe this to be true about most people. While this thread is one of my stories, I have many others. Today I am putting my focus on a new story.

[Scott Thomas]

Focus on your children.

What's happened can't be undone.

Best to let your Ex-H move on and find someone else.

 

Take things slowly with the OM.

[Speakingofwhich]

To all of you who have replied with such warmth and eloquence, THANK YOU!

While there is a part of me that is indeed broken, there are many parts of me that are not. I believe this to be true about most people. While this thread is one of my stories, I have many others. Today I am putting my focus on a new story.

 

So true! And pretty obvious from the tenor of your posts that much about you is in good health!

[Spark1111]

GEyed girl, I too grew up loved, but the unspoken pressure to be perfect was unbelievable.

 

charming, articulate and driven, I, too, received many opportunities I often felt guilty about.

 

I so wanted to have the perfect family, I stopped expressing my needs to keep the peace, to keep the facade of familial happiness.

 

Big mistake. My H also had frequent bouts of anger and moodiness that distanced me, but I allowed it.

 

I even went to IC where I presented my perfect, charming facade and never really did any REAL work or introspection. Smart, I intellectualize everything.

 

My M took a left, too, but I was 50% responsibility for that. he had the affair. We successfully reconciled and we are happy today.

 

My point is, wherever you go, there you are. The grass is not greener on the other side. My fWS lived with his xAP for three weeks. It went psst real fast when reality set in and it became another relationship just like any other.

 

he begged me back for months. I had already started to move on, with great success.

 

take your time ALONE to know your heart and when you go to IC, make sure you reveal all the warts and wrinkles in you, not just the perfect and charming parts.

[BetrayedH]

Affair was discovered. Instead of throwing me on the street or harming me...My husband cried. I'd hurt him in the WORST way. But. His hard shell cracked. He has become much more loving, he's gotten therapy for his long time anger issues, and I can honestly say he is a different person. He showed me more compassion and love than I ever felt possible. I did not feel deserving of it, that is for sure.

 

As a former BH, I can't help but empathize with your exH in this situation. It seems that he discovered your four-year affair and showed you love and compassion while addressing his issues in the marriage and in return, he's been divorced and left in some kind of limbo "day-to-day" relationship with you while you continue to keep the OM in the picture. I can't imagine his angst.

 

Forgive me for rambling for a moment and please try not to take offense as that's not my intent. In looking at affairs for a few years now, I've noticed three characteristics that seem consistent anongst waywards, many times in combination. First is conflict-avoidance. While many times well-intentioned (no one wants to be a nag), eventually it builds great resentment which contributes to using affairs as a coping mechanism. Does this sound like you? Second is needing external validation. Right now you have two men pining over you and seem content with leaving them in this limbo. It must be quite an ego feed. Third is a sense of entitlement. My guess is that your privledged background may have contributed to this. Further, you focused on others for a long time in your life and now are overcompensating and it gets manifested by thoughts like, I deserve to be happy. Unfortunately, that happiness is turning out to be coming at the expense of others that may not deserve it.

 

Personally, I'm not sure what any of us "deserve." Happinesss? Perhaps so, but I don't think we can put responsibility for that on others. I certainly strive for it but keep it within the confines of the commitments I've made as well. It seems to me that a lot of people are suffering while you're wrestling with what you want and deserve - your husband, your OM, your kids (if you have them). I find myself wondering when that is going to stop but I hear little from you about making changes. Even this thread doesn't ask for advice or counsel - you seem to be hoping that your story will help someone but yet your situation is still a disaster and doesn't seem to be anywhere near a conclusion from which someone can learn.

 

Is any of that resonating with you? What are you going to do?