Dysfunction......

[gaius]

About a year ago I caught my 15 year old half-sister lying about a guy she was dating. It turned out he wasn't really a guy in her high school but a 24-25ish something dude up in New Hampshire with no job and living with his father, who I found on the sex offender registry for for forcible rape of a 14 year old girl a while back.

 

Needless to say I thought the crisis was averted since I caught him before they met and informed my mother. But my mother decided she should let my sister go ahead with it and even helped her meet up with him. I don't really live near my sister or have a whole bunch of contact with her anymore even though we used to be close, but we ended up getting in some facebook exchanges where I started making fun of him and calling him a pedophile, which he is, hoping the public pressure might result in some kind of action being taken. The only thing that happened was I was removed from facebook. They recently broke up from what I hear because he was "cheating" with some other chick, probably younger than my sister. Shocking I know.

 

Anyway my grandmothers birthday is coming up. I live nearby and unfortunately she's deteriorated to the point where she can't really go out by herself anymore. She also suffers from depression issues. So I try to stop by 2-3 times a week at least to check up on her and get her out into the world, which generally seems to help. I think as a **** you to me my mother has decided for the first time in around 10 years to actually show up for my grandmothers birthday. And demanded I "stay away" while she and my sister are there because of what I said on facebook.

 

Probably more of a rant than a question since I already know what I'm going to do but I feel bad that my grandmothers birthday is going to be turned into this. It doesn't help she's pretty much ignored by the entire rest of my family except for my uncle once in a while. But I'm not going to eat **** either, especially from a woman who's done the kind of things she's done. And never apologized or taken responsibility for it.

[Candy_Pants]

Your mom sounds like a real winner.

[gaius]

Just the tip of the iceberg candy. I could go on all day with stories

[Candy_Pants]

Just the tip of the iceberg candy. I could go on all day with stories

So could I.

 

But instead I'll do some gardening and sew the rest of the patches on my H's vest.

 

Have you received counseling? Are you going to show up to your G-ma's party?

[gaius]

So could I.

 

But instead I'll do some gardening and sew the rest of the patches on my H's vest.

 

Have you received counseling? Are you going to show up to your G-ma's party?

Counseling is not for me. And yes, I'll at least have to go over and get her ready and make her take her medication. Scurrying away afterward because it was demanded is not my style.

[Candy_Pants]

Might not be your style but what will make that day a pleasant one for G-ma?

[gaius]

Might not be your style but what will make that day a pleasant one for G-ma?

I have no idea really. The one time she stopped by to drop something off she stayed 5 minutes and I got to help as my crippled grandmother tried to keep up as she was leaving. With my mother not slowing down despite not needing to be anywhere. She generally treats my grandmother like garbage the rare occasions they're together. But she still craves her attention for some reason. Am I supposed to believe after 10 years all that has suddenly changed for some reason?

[Candy_Pants]

Do you know anything about their parent/child relationship? Is it possible your mother had some of the same angst you feel towards her, for her own mother?

 

I see my G-ma as an angel. But my mother and her have a strained relationship because of things I was never a witness to.

 

And if your mother suddenly DID have a change of heart- PRAISE JESUS/BHUDDAH/GOD HEAD!!

[gaius]

They have an incredibly strained relationship similar to your own situation. My grandmother can be very hard to deal with sometimes. But she also has a very loving side. And she's made effort in the last few years while my mother has made none. My mother was short on cash one time and my grandmother wrote her a check for 500 bucks. My mother said thank you by not even bothering to come downstairs and say goodbye when she was leaving. Total blowoff.

 

That's another issue. My grandmother nearly bankrupted herself and I just finished getting her out of 90% of her debt and a positive cash flow going every month. It wouldn't surprise me if this visit included a long rant about how little money my mother has. Knowing full well my grandmothers financial situation and that she'll probably write her a check if she complains.

[ASG]

I understand you concern about your sister and the guy does sound like a loser, but sometimes age is not the be all end all.

When I was 13/14 I dated an 18/19 year old for almost a year. At 15 I dated a 21 yo and at 17 I was dating a 23 yo...

I am very grateful that my mom (and my dad) never batted an eyelid at the age difference.

 

And if someone had been making comments about how my BFs were pedophiles... I would have removed them from my circle as well...

 

Now, that being said, obviously I don't think your mom has handled the situation with you particularly well, but that is a recurring thing, isn't it?

And I find it sad that they're actually probably going to ruin your grandmother's day...

[gaius]

I understand you concern about your sister and the guy does sound like a loser, but sometimes age is not the be all end all.

When I was 13/14 I dated an 18/19 year old for almost a year. At 15 I dated a 21 yo and at 17 I was dating a 23 yo...

I am very grateful that my mom (and my dad) never batted an eyelid at the age difference.

 

And if someone had been making comments about how my BFs were pedophiles... I would have removed them from my circle as well...

 

Now, that being said, obviously I don't think your mom has handled the situation with you particularly well, but that is a recurring thing, isn't it?

And I find it sad that they're actually probably going to ruin your grandmother's day...

It's not just the age difference. It's the fact his father, who he lives with, is on the sex offender registry for rape of a 14 year old when he was in his 30s. That's the atmosphere she would be in going to see him. Not to mention the old phrase the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

 

Normally I'm all for a loose approach and letting people make their own mistakes but having your first sexual experience be getting raped can have some pretty nasty lifelong consequences for a woman.

 

Totally in agreement with the last part.

Edited March 21, 2014 by gaius

[Keenly]

I understand you concern about your sister and the guy does sound like a loser, but sometimes age is not the be all end all.

When I was 13/14 I dated an 18/19 year old for almost a year. At 15 I dated a 21 yo and at 17 I was dating a 23 yo...

I am very grateful that my mom (and my dad) never batted an eyelid at the age difference.

 

And if someone had been making comments about how my BFs were pedophiles... I would have removed them from my circle as well...

 

Now, that being said, obviously I don't think your mom has handled the situation with you particularly well, but that is a recurring thing, isn't it?

And I find it sad that they're actually probably going to ruin your grandmother's day...

Well did your boyfriends ever rape underage girls ? It would be very irresponsible for anyone to not step in after learning that.

[nescafe1982]

My parents are like this with my maternal grandmother: they see her as an ATM that serves cookies. Shameful, really. It upsets me because this grandmother is also the only truly decent person in my family... and like your grandmother, she will dole out cash to people with a sob story (and not just relatives!)

 

I used to get sick over it. One time, I walked into her home and she was writing a check for one of my aunt's scuzzy work friends who somehow made the case she needed a new car. Of course, I could do boo to stop it, either.

 

Which is my point. OP, what happens between your grandmother and her spawn is out of your control. It sucks, but it's true. If you mom wants to go to Grandma's for her birthday, let her.... stay away if you think attending will be dramatic. Have your own visit the next day... and say nothing about your own problems with mom.

 

Try, to the best of your ability, to keep your relationship with your grandparent as separate as possible from the one with your mom. If you mother tries to manipulate her through triangulation (e.g. talking trash about you to grandma), don't play that game back. Indeed, the only way you can lose here is to engage the whole crapstorm with your grandmother.

 

It sucks, but a birthday is, well, just another day. You have all the other days to hang with grandma.... and those other days are more meaningful anyhow.

[ASG]

Well did your boyfriends ever rape underage girls ? It would be very irresponsible for anyone to not step in after learning that.

 

No, but statutory rape is considered rape and would go on the sex offenders list as just rape, whether it was consensual or not.

 

So, it could just be that he found some parents who weren't as forgiving about the age difference.

 

But like I said, he did sound like a loser and the mother should have been at least paying attention (it doesn't seem like she was).

 

To be honest, forbidding their relationship would have had no effect. Teen girls will do exactly what they want.

[gaius]

My parents are like this with my maternal grandmother: they see her as an ATM that serves cookies. Shameful, really. It upsets me because this grandmother is also the only truly decent person in my family... and like your grandmother, she will dole out cash to people with a sob story (and not just relatives!)

 

I used to get sick over it. One time, I walked into her home and she was writing a check for one of my aunt's scuzzy work friends who somehow made the case she needed a new car. Of course, I could do boo to stop it, either.

 

Which is my point. OP, what happens between your grandmother and her spawn is out of your control. It sucks, but it's true. If you mom wants to go to Grandma's for her birthday, let her.... stay away if you think attending will be dramatic. Have your own visit the next day... and say nothing about your own problems with mom.

 

Try, to the best of your ability, to keep your relationship with your grandparent as separate as possible from the one with your mom. If you mother tries to manipulate her through triangulation (e.g. talking trash about you to grandma), don't play that game back. Indeed, the only way you can lose here is to engage the whole crapstorm with your grandmother.

 

It sucks, but a birthday is, well, just another day. You have all the other days to hang with grandma.... and those other days are more meaningful anyhow.

Thanks nes. I feel you. It's actually somewhat in my control though, because if I can delay her sending the check long enough she'll often forget and it won't get sent. I actually came up with a plan to sneak the check book out of her purse and send her out to lunch with my mother. So the end result would have been no money for my mother and my mother would be forced to treat, which she would probably have made my grandmother do. On her own birthday. I wouldn't have been involved so there would be no fighting. My grandmother would win for once and be afforded some of the respect she deserves. But alas, she's come down with some stomach bug and I think the whole things canceled. So the fights delayed till another day.

[gaius]

No, but statutory rape is considered rape and would go on the sex offenders list as just rape, whether it was consensual or not.

 

So, it could just be that he found some parents who weren't as forgiving about the age difference.

 

But like I said, he did sound like a loser and the mother should have been at least paying attention (it doesn't seem like she was).

 

To be honest, forbidding their relationship would have had no effect. Teen girls will do exactly what they want.

He also had a few charges of assault and battery on there.... Not a great dude on any level. And you might be right, but letting her meet him in person put her at great risk. Which I won't forgive or forget. Be as delinquent a parent with me as you want but at least do my sister right. She's lucky she ended up getting cheated on before anything worse happened. Just terrible judgement and weakness on both their parts.

[Radu]

Your mom sounds like a real nutcase.

I feel sorry for your sister.

 

PS: Good thing you stopped the meeting between your sister and that 25yr old dude.

I have a feeling that your mom tried to set it up in the end mostly to spite you, if that is so ... is she slightly narcissistic ?

[Pineappls]

Wow, dont see a thing to post a smiley face on it.

 

This is really bad and wrong.

A mom should protect their kids. And not letting them hang with older guys

especially not someone with that background.

 

Dont you have a dad?

The situation was to serious for you to joke on fb.

You should have have a serious conversation about how bad it is and why she needs

to stop.

And you could also report the guy to the police since he is a paedophile and still doing the same stuff .

 

I think its your grandmas home and party so as long as she did not tell you to come, you can go.

 

And i dont know the real family history, but its weird how your mom know how to take

action against you that fast but did not move a finger while her under age daughter was messing with convicted and paedophile. Weird mom.

[Pineappls]

-I think its your grandmas home and party so as long as she did not tell you not to come, you can go.