romanticman2015 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 We've been dating for about a month and things have gotten closer. The thing is, I'm an over analyzer when it comes to any relationships I have with people in general (friends, family, etc). Obviously that's not a good way of being in relationship, let alone a new one. For the most part, I realize that and don't overtly project that or ask for reassurance in the relationship. But I'm also smart enough to realize that subconsciously I'm probably providing even some small signals (which are a turn-off). She's someone who, as far as I can tell, is very bottled up with her emotions and the best way to know what she is feeling is being with her and feeling it when I see her smile at me or hold my hand or snuggle. Phone/text - tough to get a read. When we are together I feel like we have something special. But since we go a week or more sometimes without seeing each other - I over analyze every communication via phone/text/social media site. I believe in the mantra - you can control what you can control and can't what you can't. I also believe if someone wants to be with you, great. If they don't, it's better to know and move on - even if it hurts. Great advice and what I'd give someone else. But, when it's 'you', that's tougher to accept. Any advice on how to relax and just enjoy it - besides the obvious? Last night, we talked for over an hour - talked about an upcoming trip in three weeks (granted a friend is coming). And we just BS'd about nothing. But I get off the phone and worry about the maybe one not so 'warm fuzzy' part of the convo (and it wasn't negative - just not postive..lol). Again, I think a lot of this has to do with her being a little bottled with feelings. I'm not going to see her for a week and tired of analyzing everything :-)
Gaeta Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Wanting too much validation too early will be a turn off for men and women. It's understandable you want this to work but if it doesn't it's not a big deal, this person has been a total of 1 month in your life. Trust life and let it develop on its own. Life will do a better job at it than you can by trying to control everything. Through it all you also need to make the difference between your insecurities and your instinct. We all do it when we're infatuated with someone, there are red flags flying left and right and we dismiss them for being our insecurities. To be able to differenciate those you have to know yourself well and trust you know best. I have learn that if the person does not give me any reasons to be insecure I won't be. If I am insecure, when I am usually a very confident woman, it's because something is off. Therefore let life happen and don't invest yourself too soon. EVEN if she is like a dream come true to you!! 3
J21 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I believe in the mantra - you can control what you can control and can't what you can't. I also believe if someone wants to be with you, great. If they don't, it's better to know and move on - even if it hurts. Great advice. Just enjoy the ride and take it day by day. Take the initiative to talk about something if you have an inkling it is bothering you or her. You mentioned she bottles up her emotion, so you have to put effort in taking initiative. Bottled up emotions can fester, and turn into something more when not cleared up. I wish you all the success in the new relationship. 2
Author romanticman2015 Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Gaeta As always, thanks for the great great advice. Fortunately, I'm not 'openly' looking for validation. I've been very cognizant of that - only because I know how slow we are taking things. As for the gut - that's the whole thing. Can't figure out if I'm neurotic or not.
Gaeta Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Gaeta As always, thanks for the great great advice. Fortunately, I'm not 'openly' looking for validation. I've been very cognizant of that - only because I know how slow we are taking things. As for the gut - that's the whole thing. Can't figure out if I'm neurotic or not. Would you consider that even though she is a great person that you enjoy very much, that you are simply not compatible? She's bottled up, inexpressive of her feelings, she needs space, etc. Is this the kind of mate you wish for yourself? How can you make a true connection with someone like that? and how can you work together through trials of life? You have been dating for 1 month only and you can already identify this about her so it's a predominant aspect of her. I always say we don't get to know someone when all is dandy, we get to know someone's true nature when bumps are starting to come our way. 2
Author romanticman2015 Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 It's a possibility and one I've thought about. We are so compatible and so enjoy each other's company otherwise, I want to give it time. As soon as we are together, all the issues and doubts melt away. A month ago I wouldn't have imagined we'd be where we are now. So, to me, it's more about patience and letting her open up. I've been with more emotional out there people - I think the patience and the approach is good. At the end of the day, there is too much there to let it go...yet. I'm, by nature, an impatient person. She's made me be patient and I feel like I'm getting to know her much better than I did with other women I've dated. We are spending most of the weekend together next week and taking a trip in three weeks. If I don't feel more secure then, and she doesn't open up - then it's probably time to re-evaluate. But yes, I've considered that.
quidproquo89 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 We've been dating for about a month and things have gotten closer. The thing is, I'm an over analyzer when it comes to any relationships I have with people in general (friends, family, etc). Obviously that's not a good way of being in relationship, let alone a new one. For the most part, I realize that and don't overtly project that or ask for reassurance in the relationship. But I'm also smart enough to realize that subconsciously I'm probably providing even some small signals (which are a turn-off). She's someone who, as far as I can tell, is very bottled up with her emotions and the best way to know what she is feeling is being with her and feeling it when I see her smile at me or hold my hand or snuggle. Phone/text - tough to get a read. When we are together I feel like we have something special. But since we go a week or more sometimes without seeing each other - I over analyze every communication via phone/text/social media site. I believe in the mantra - you can control what you can control and can't what you can't. I also believe if someone wants to be with you, great. If they don't, it's better to know and move on - even if it hurts. Great advice and what I'd give someone else. But, when it's 'you', that's tougher to accept. Any advice on how to relax and just enjoy it - besides the obvious? Last night, we talked for over an hour - talked about an upcoming trip in three weeks (granted a friend is coming). And we just BS'd about nothing. But I get off the phone and worry about the maybe one not so 'warm fuzzy' part of the convo (and it wasn't negative - just not postive..lol). Again, I think a lot of this has to do with her being a little bottled with feelings. I'm not going to see her for a week and tired of analyzing everything :-) I don't think you have much cause for concern. I only have your post to go on, but there is no indication that you two have a problem. If anything the week apart, should show that you both have full busy lives - thats a good thing and its attractive. You fear her love for you might dull in your absense, but it can easily work the other way - absense makes the heart grow fonder. I think your doing well, keep up the good work. As I always say just try to be light, funny, make good conversation and try not to bring emotional baggage into it. Also as you say, texting is so difficult to gauge. Try to limit what emotions and thoughts you draw from that. Simply use it as a tool to keep in touch, no more. Your doing well fella, just try to stay calm and happy, don't let creeping doubts get you it isnt worth it
Author romanticman2015 Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Thanks for the support - she drives me crazy...in a good way :-)
AnyaNova Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 You know, I really wouldn't write off that intuition business, I would continue to take that possibility seriously. Last summer, when I first met this dude, my very first impression as soon as I saw him sitting there in that coffee shop was (maybe a little harsh because in some ways though it turned out to be a highly accurate one, there was a lot more to him than that) that he seemed spineless. And in many ways, it turned out to be accurate. He did not have the courage or conviction to stick it through when it got tough. Also, I didn't realize until much later, but I remember now not noticing any of the usual signs of attraction. I don't remember any hair touching, any poofing out of the chest, any of those things guys do when they are truly attracted. And I remember my self confidence just plummeting completely. Granted, a great deal of that I am sure now was nutritional, but some of that, I think was my early warning system that I should have paid attention. I remember being on the phone talking with my friend, who to this day will annoyedly point out how many times I talked myself out of dumping him. I think had I not had some health issues myself get in the way (seriously, our "relationship" sounds like the start of a horrible joke...a guy with mono and a girl with severe B12 deficiency walk into a bar), we could still be friends. Please don't take me to be saying that he was a bad guy, he wasn't (that would have been so much easier!) But I think my gut new the relationship was not to be and I should have listened to it. But instead of listening to it, I kept ignoring it and I believe I started posting seriously in this group starting September 7th. The point is less the particular details of the story and more the "please pay attention to your gut" Yes sometimes there can be personal issues that you have to work out, but sometimes your insecurity is masking huge red flags like, "hey! Your boyfriend doesn't ever show any signs of true attraction to you. This might be a problem."
Author romanticman2015 Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Interesting perspective Anyanova I believe in gut instincts too - but my gut has failed me many times. There is one difference - I have no doubt she's the one I want to spend time with. There are no red flags. The question I have is am I reading too much into her interest/lack of interest. Mind you, when we are together, there are ZERO doubts. It's just when we spend time apart....
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