stillafool Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Agreed. By contrast, any man who shows up front that he is willing to betray a vow, or force attention on you that you do not what, is not demonstrating these qualities. He may have charisma, or magnetism, or passion, or be exciting, but he is not a kind and empathetic man. I'm not sure this is the case at all.
eye of the storm Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Nutcracker, you are still making it sound like you were forced to get on the bus. You weren't. You say you tried to not get on the bus, was someone there dragging you? No. You went to the bus station and got on the bus all by yourself. You knew what he wanted, you willingly went. You knew what was going to happen or you would not have been uncomfortable. I have to ask how you expect to survive in the United States, or anywhere else, if you are completely incapable of telling someone no. If you were told to rob a bank or steal from your company would you do it? If you want to sleep with him, own it. If you don't, then don't. If you are incapable of controlling your life, go home and tell your parents you are unable to maintain your virtue without their guardianship. You are obviously smart or would not be a graduate student. You obviously have goals or you would not have left home to achieve them. Why are you acting like you have no control over yourself or what happens to your body? Stop making this about him. This is all about you. Take some assertiveness training, talk to a counselor, get a close friend or relative to run interference for you till you get stronger. Notice this is all about you doing something for you. Take an action. Personal recommendation, Stop talking to him. Block his number. Block his email or send straight to trash, if you still work together and he continues go to HR and ask for assistance. All of these are actions you can take to keep this from happening. If you actually want it to stop that is, considering your posts...I'm not really sure. 4
SoleMate Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I would like you to get to a sexual assault survivor center ASAP. Whatever else happens, I hope they recommend some serious counseling to help you establish boundaries. Unlike others who are questioning your sincerity, I believe your story is perfectly true from your perspective. You actually felt that once someone bought you a bus ticket and rented a hotel room, you no longer had the ability to say no. You honestly felt you couldn't even hang up the phone. You became his zombie sex toy. This is incredibly scary and also makes you intensely vulnerable to this man and to any other man who runs the same MM/A scam on you. No, all men are definitely NOT a predator like this one. But there are enough out there that YOU need to get your defenses up. Learn how to say NO. Learn how to hang up the phone. Learn how to tear up bus and plane tickets. Learn how to turn on your heel and LEAVE any situation where you're not comfortable. YOU are in charge of your life and your body. Start acting like it!!!! (You'll definitely be the one living with any unwanted pregnancies, STDs, emotional harm , or ruined reputation. :-( ) 2
Author nutcracker Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 I would like you to get to a sexual assault survivor center ASAP. Whatever else happens, I hope they recommend some serious counseling to help you establish boundaries. Unlike others who are questioning your sincerity, I believe your story is perfectly true from your perspective. You actually felt that once someone bought you a bus ticket and rented a hotel room, you no longer had the ability to say no. You honestly felt you couldn't even hang up the phone. You became his zombie sex toy. This is incredibly scary and also makes you intensely vulnerable to this man and to any other man who runs the same MM/A scam on you. No, all men are definitely NOT a predator like this one. But there are enough out there that YOU need to get your defenses up. Learn how to say NO. Learn how to hang up the phone. Learn how to tear up bus and plane tickets. Learn how to turn on your heel and LEAVE any situation where you're not comfortable. YOU are in charge of your life and your body. Start acting like it!!!! (You'll definitely be the one living with any unwanted pregnancies, STDs, emotional harm , or ruined reputation. :-( ) To all posters who say I shouldn't make this all about him, I perfectly understand. It is natural for anyone to say the same thing. But I did. say. no. Even this man accepted that I had objected to his persuasion. I am just too soft, I learned my lesson, I should stop being soft. That does not mean I did not say no, I did. And please do not think I wanted him to make out with me , because I didn't. Since you do not know me, I understand you would feel that way. I would, too, in your position. But please believe me when I say I DID NOT want any sort of romantic involvement with this man. Or any man.
Author nutcracker Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Personal recommendation, Stop talking to him. Block his number. Block his email or send straight to trash, if you still work together and he continues go to HR and ask for assistance. All of these are actions you can take to keep this from happening. If you actually want it to stop that is, considering your posts...I'm not really sure. I am not talking to him anymore. I have had it. If my posts come across as me wanting to encourage him, I apologize, but that is not the case. I DO NOT want to encourage any man, let alone a married man. He is not on my radar. I have just given too much importance to goodness in people and ended up being the brunt of it. I did not say no strongly enough. I will own that. But I cannot own that I wanted to get involved with him, because no, that is not true. But thanks for being brutally honest. I needed it. This has taught me a very big life lesson, but right now, I am traumatized and just needed to talk. I have been to the student counselor and back.
tornado Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Nutcracker, you need to learn to say "no" to people, and be rude to rude people. Obviously, he had targeted you, you seemed easy for him, maybe because you are shy. Predator/prey. Next time, you will insult and say "**** off" to that kind of man.
italianjob Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 To all posters who say I shouldn't make this all about him, I perfectly understand. It is natural for anyone to say the same thing. But I did. say. no. Even this man accepted that I had objected to his persuasion. I am just too soft, I learned my lesson, I should stop being soft. That does not mean I did not say no, I did. And please do not think I wanted him to make out with me , because I didn't. Since you do not know me, I understand you would feel that way. I would, too, in your position. But please believe me when I say I DID NOT want any sort of romantic involvement with this man. Or any man. I have no problem believing you, but I still don't understand why you didn't just say no when he called you, and travelled to meet him. 1
Author nutcracker Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 I have no problem believing you, but I still don't understand why you didn't just say no when he called you, and travelled to meet him. True, that makes two of us who do not understand why I just didn't go. I said no when he called me. But I did not say it strongly and emphatically enough that he would back off. I gave in only because I did not want to "hurt" him. How lame. He called me up today crying and apologizing and asking me to forgive him. This conversation has happened once before, and this time, I just said I did not want to listen to anything he said. He takes complete responsibility for what happened. But I don't care. He still begs me to talk but he is now blocked from my contacts list, despite being a potentially useful professional contact.
jellybean89 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 IF he contacts you again, let him know you will report him to human resources. If he contacts you again, and you talk to him, then you need to own what you are doing and stop being shocked or upset that he doesn't take your "no" for no when you have shown him that when you say no, you aren't standing by it. I encourage you to stop having contact with him - no matter how much he cries and apologizes. If you continue to have contact, then that's on you. 3
Author nutcracker Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 IF he contacts you again, let him know you will report him to human resources. If he contacts you again, and you talk to him, then you need to own what you are doing and stop being shocked or upset that he doesn't take your "no" for no when you have shown him that when you say no, you aren't standing by it. I encourage you to stop having contact with him - no matter how much he cries and apologizes. If you continue to have contact, then that's on you. Thanks. I cannot report to HR because I do not work there anymore, but I can stop talking to him. I already told him the same thing. I am tired of listening to stuff like "I could not control myself when you were around, I did not know this would happen". I was so preoccupied with finding housing for myself all last week (I had to move out of my apartment three weeks ago and I haven't had a place to stay) that thinking about how to effectively deal with someone persistently asking me to come visit to was the last thing on my mind. Now when I went to my counselor, she asked me the same question you did: if I ended up going there because I had romantic feelings for him. I guess I deserved to be asked that question for my stupidity. But I blasted him on the phone for that, and he accepted that he had put me in the spot. This incident has scarred me. I do not know if I will ever be able to have a real relationship with anyone in future. I thought I was an emotionally stable person, because people often approached me for advice, even my mom. I don't know now. I wish I could tell this to my parents, but I come from a very conservative family and I'm sure I will hurt them immensely. I just do not know what to do at the moment.
David87 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Next time tell him to leave you alone then stop talking to him and if he continues press charges for harrasement.
eye of the storm Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Nutcracker...scars just mean you survived. Don't sweat them. Learn from them. Sometimes the best lessons leave scars, cause they make a permanent impression. Not all people are like this guy, just like not all people are like you. You let yourself be talked into something that you didn't want because you didn't want to hurt his feelings....well, lesson learned. When it comes to your safety and your morals....hurt their feelings. If they truly care about you as a person, they will not put you in that position. If they don't care about you, then why do you care if you hurt their feelings. You will find someone that will love you for the gentle sprit you are. Don't let this guy ruin it for you. He does not deserve to have that much power over you and that is what you will be doing if you close yourself off from the chance to find the right guy. BTW, and this is very important. He is not accepting responsibility for anything. He is telling you what he thinks you need to hear so that you will forgive him and he can try again. Don't blast him on the phone. Do not talk to him, email him or FB him. He cannot manipulate you if you refuse to engage him. Don't explain yourself to him. He has already shown his true colors. Believe his actions not his words. This dude is toxic, stay away. Continue talking to the counselor, you need to find out why you are so determined to protect others feelings that you endanger your safety. You will make it thru this. You are stronger than you know. Don't be afraid of your own power.
soccerrprp Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I am scared now of getting married. Are all men like this? I'm sure his wife is a very loving person and that he means the world to her. Why should he do this, and then deny that he is doing something wrong? Not all men are like him. You just remind me of what I'm going to have to try to teach my little girl when she starts dating in about 10 years or so. UGH.
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