rumbleseat Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 After my h confessed to having an A , we both made the decision to reconcile. it was a long and hard road, but we made it. I know it wasn't easy for him to face what he had done, and the pain was incredibly horrid for me. I had to really think about whether or not I could ever forgive him and get to a place where it wasn't always st the forefront of our life together. I needed to know that I could, in time, not aSk him to live a life where I was aleays sad and he would alWays feel such intense guilt. After all, if I truly loved him, then how could I do that to him? of course, in the early days thise feelings were gresh and raw, but I finally realized that if I didn't think they'd eventually be tempered by time and effort, then whst was the point? why condemn the teo of ud to a life of sadness? I had to know that there was enough left between us to keep goiNg. It took a long time, but after seeing how hard he worked on himself and how he was willing to face his demons, I really began to respect him agAin. How could I not? Of course he still feels guilt about hurting me, and it still makes me sad if I think about it, but those days are few and far betwen for us now. During the process of finding our way back, I know there were things I could have done that would have made it less painful and perhaps a bit easier ( for lack of a better term ) for both of us, but seeing as how i'dnever been through it before, I did my best. We both did. My question is for ws or bs who either have reconciled or are in the process of doing so. S there anythibg your spouse is doing that you feel is helping or harming the reconciliation process? is there anything that you would like a spouse in that situstion to know that might help them? Is there anything about your r thst you wish would have gone differently? Please keep in mind that I am not lookibg to either bash or excuse ws. The way I see it, reconciling requires that the two involved work together to build something great. Neither can do it alone, and any advice that can help could be very welcome to someone just starting out down that road for themselves. I also know that reconciling is not the right choice fir everyone, but perhaps that is a topic for a different thread. 5
whatatangledweb Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 We are reconciled. It worked because he admitted everything when I caught him. He ended it right then. He blamed only himself for cheating. He was completely transparent . He let me vent and ask questions and apologized over and over. I have learned to respect him and trust him again. The trust was hard. I'm at probably 98%. IDK if I can ever trust anyone 100% again. For my part I had to accept that it could not be undone. I had to learn to let go of it. I had to open my heart up again and not hold on to his cheating. I had to let go of my fears. We had a good marriage. He had a midlife crisis.He never treated me any differently during his affair. He was just as loving and caring as always. Which is why I was so shocked. His cheating was for such a short time compared to all the good years we had together. None of this was easy for me. It was damn hard and I came very close to suicide many times. If I look back ..yes, I could have handled some things in a nicer way. I could have handled my rage better and my depression. My husband still has not forgiven himself. I wish he would. 4
snappytomcat Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 for me he had to be an open book,which he didn't hesitate to do,and hes really doing everything right,like you said its sure isn't easy,but I believe our marriage is worth it,im not as angry or sad as I was at first,and I don't look at him with disgust anymore,i did have one foot out the door,but he begged me to go to mc,and work on our marriage,and im really glad I did. we do a lot of things together now,he even does things he hates to make me happy,like shopping im happy that your marriage is getting better also 3
gettingstronger Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 For me its been his willingness to address him and his actions- so much of what hurts me is not the relationship but the betrayal and lies- I know full well it could have been anyone on the other end-our OW is not the point, heck she is not really even a person in our lives-its the lying and the deception that is difficult-he has been really good about owning up to it- 5
yellowmaverick Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Rumbleseat and all those who have reconciled - how long ago was d-day? 1
Author rumbleseat Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Rumbleseat and all those who have reconciled - how long ago was d-day? Almost five years I can't speak for anyone else, but i eventually got to a a place where the A is the past and not the present. 7
Sub Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 is there anything that you would like a spouse in that situstion to know that might help them? You're responsible for your own happiness. Don't expect your WS to be able to fix it. There's absolutely no shame in R. And find at least one other objective person to lean on and talk to. Is there anything about your r thst you wish would have gone differently? There were a couple specific instances where I should have addressed the OM directly. I think I handled it properly, but I almost wish I was split in two so I could have it both ways. It lead to some festering anger that I didn't know what to do with about 2 years post D-Day. 2
whatatangledweb Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Rumbleseat and all those who have reconciled - how long ago was d-day? Almost three years. 1
Snowflower Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 (edited) After my h confessed to having an A , we both made the decision to reconcile. it was a long and hard road, but we made it. I know it wasn't easy for him to face what he had done, and the pain was incredibly horrid for me. I had to really think about whether or not I could ever forgive him and get to a place where it wasn't always st the forefront of our life together. I needed to know that I could, in time, not aSk him to live a life where I was aleays sad and he would alWays feel such intense guilt. After all, if I truly loved him, then how could I do that to him? of course, in the early days thise feelings were gresh and raw, but I finally realized that if I didn't think they'd eventually be tempered by time and effort, then whst was the point? why condemn the teo of ud to a life of sadness? I had to know that there was enough left between us to keep goiNg. I relate to a lot of what you post, Rumbleseat. It's been 5+ years since d-day for my H and me. I also had to know that I had given it my all. If I had divorced him in those early months (as so many were telling me to do), I would have always wondered. It took a long time, but after seeing how hard he worked on himself and how he was willing to face his demons, I really began to respect him agAin. How could I not? Of course he still feels guilt about hurting me, and it still makes me sad if I think about it, but those days are few and far betwen for us now. It took me a long time to accept what happened. About 4 years! Up until 4 years past d-day or so, I was literally obsessed with his affair. It hurt me and I thought about it almost constantly. Looking back, I realized I spent a little too much time on LS in attempt to process what had happened. While LS is so helpful and a lifesaver during reconciliation, it also eventually began to hold me back. During the process of finding our way back, I know there were things I could have done that would have made it less painful and perhaps a bit easier ( for lack of a better term ) for both of us, but seeing as how i'dnever been through it before, I did my best. We both did. My H and I are hardly the poster children for reconciliation. We both made a lot of mistakes in the intervening time. It's a miracle we made it because we were very near divorce several times. My question is for ws or bs who either have reconciled or are in the process of doing so. S there anythibg your spouse is doing that you feel is helping or harming the reconciliation process? is there anything that you would like a spouse in that situstion to know that might help them? Is there anything about your r thst you wish would have gone differently? My advice: I had a very difficult time letting it go enough so that we could move forward. Every time H and I would get in argument, it would set me back and make me feel like I did 5 years ago. I had to learn to separate the two issues and no matter what the current disagreement was about and how it reminded me of how he acted during his affair or whatever, I had to remember that was then and this is now. A lot of people, here on LS, or the few who know IRL have asked me how in the world I could ever trust him again? My answer: Looking back, I can almost pinpoint the time when my H got involved in the A, even though I had no clue at that time it was going on. My H suddenly became a stranger. Mean, distant and critical of me. I never dealt with my normal husband during his 4 month affair. He didn't really lie to me so I didn't have that to deal with either. Nope, he just went from being the guy I had always known to one who wanted to be divorced and single. It was like a switch was flipped. So, as long as he doesn't display that type of behavior, I can continue to build trust in him. I don't know if any of this is helpful but I think people get a little more hung up on trust than they need to in some cases (like mine). My H has always had and continues to have issues with appropriate boundaries with other people. Certain types of women see his lack of boundaries and general friendliness as a misread signal that he is being flirtatious and it goes from there. Some women will flirt back and then he needs to recognize when to cut it off. He continues to work on this but those of you who have been the betrayer...interpersonal boundaries are important. Hope my rambling response makes sense! Edited March 21, 2014 by Snowflower 4
snappytomcat Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Rumbleseat and all those who have reconciled - how long ago was d-day? it will be a year in june,so it hasn't been that long for me,but our marriage gets stronger everyday 2
Fluttershy Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 While in the beginning it meant very little to me. His confession, the A already over and NC in place helped more than anything. I never had to ask him to be transparent or give up things. The thing he could have done better was see me triggering without me saying anything. But ny the second year he had picked up on that. I am 5+ Years out. 2
HermioneG Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Almost five years I can't speak for anyone else, but i eventually got to a a place where the A is the past and not the present. Exactly. You can speak for me. 2
excusememister Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Is there anything your spouse is doing that you feel is helping or harming the reconciliation process? My WS is doing a lot to help R...that is, if I ever agree to go in that direction. He's very remorseful and repentant; moving Heaven and Earth. Meanwhile, I'm stuck in limbo - one day I'm headed in the direction of R, the next day it's "no way in hell would I accept this crap". I'm driving myself crazy - I wish I could just say one or the other. Although he ended the affair and went NC the minute I found out, it took him 2 months to be completely honest about everything - he did the trickle truth for 2 months which was a living hell for me. He is now an open book; I have all passwords; keylogger on his computer, etc and although he is working hard (IC once a week, mens support groups, reading, etc), I still have deep feelings of disgust (often times hate) towards him. I feel as if I will never be able to accept what he did. It's been 4 months and I live this EVERY DAY. From reading other posts, I see where it can take years His cheating was the ultimate betrayal - he kept her around for 9 years and he slept with her 2 days before our wedding - INCOMPREHENSIBLE!! So, R is not happening right now. I'm doing IC - maybe MC down the road with sights set on R - maybe not. 1
katielee Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 my h confessed to having an A step one in a very long process. And for those out there contemplating confessing, you're giving yourself a leg up (if there can be one) if they find out from you rather than discovering it themselves. We are two years out from his two affairs - I caught him at both, and 4 years out from my affair - I confessed but I TT. It's been nigh impossible. But, we're trying. Trust isn't a big issue for me. I have looked 1000 times and found nothing. I KNOW he wants to be a good man. But I admit, I have resentment that he didn't confess. Feelings are hard for some people - he really has to stretch. Yesterday at MC he finally revealed, after about a 90 minute session with MC leading him through this, that he had a 2nd affair because he had a chip on his shoulder because he didn't get closure on his first affair. Wow. But, he is good people and had 4 months of insanity with 24 years of good memories and behavior before that. THAT has made a world of difference, me knowing who he really is. It must be harder for those newly married... what's harming our reconciliation process is that we're mad hatters - and he cannot talk about what he did without throwing in what I did. We have definite sore spots - he blames me for not protecting myself better when I was raped, I don't think I should have to live in the same town as two OW - maybe this will get better. However, as time goes by, the events are getting further behind me in the rear view mirror. That feels good. And our bodies have recovered from trauma. I'm convinced there is a physiological recovery from trauma as well. 1
RightThere Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 He is now an open book; I have all passwords; keylogger on his computer, etc and although he is working hard (IC once a week, mens support groups, reading, etc), I still have deep feelings of disgust (often times hate) towards him. A lot of people here will tell you this is required for reconciliation. I can't argue with the results they've had. My personal opinion is this stuff only makes me feel worse. For you, you grow resentment because you think you need to monitor him like a criminal. He'll feel like your the parent and he's a kid, living under punishment. I personally don't think anything gets repaired during this time. Mostly because you are not equals. 2
yellowmaverick Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 It is nice to see so many of you reconciled. I hope that you all have a long, loving marriage. 1
Author rumbleseat Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 A lot of people here will tell you this is required for reconciliation. I can't argue with the results they've had. My personal opinion is this stuff only makes me feel worse. For you, you grow resentment because you think you need to monitor him like a criminal. He'll feel like your the parent and he's a kid, living under punishment. I personally don't think anything gets repaired during this time. Mostly because you are not equals. Each person has to find what works for them. I know a lot of people swear by books about recovery from infidelity, but to be honest, I found them to be less than helpful. They just didn't fit "us". Sometimes I think that people, both bs and ws, have a huge amount of pressure placed on them. You can kind of get the feeling that if you just do x, y or z that things will work out great. It won't. While there are some common strategies that work for many, each couple is different and has to find out for themselves what they can and can't live with. One example with us was the " I'm sorry, it's over, blah, blah, blah" letter that my H sent to her after he came clean to me about the A. He wanted me to see it so that I would know for sure things were finished,and he even asked me if I thought it was strongly worded enough. I glanced at it and said it was fine. I know that for some, seeing that letter would be very important, and if that's what they need to do, then that's what should happen. My H had a need for me to read them so I would know it was over. To me, reading it made me feel a combination of hurt and foolish. Hurt for obvious reasons, and foolish because there was no way I really wanted to approve the " dear jane" break up letter my H was sending to his girlfriend
katielee Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 there was no way I really wanted to approve the " dear jane" break up letter my H was sending to his girlfriend it's crap like this that hits you between the eyes.... 3
cocahouts Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 step one in a very long process. And for those out there contemplating confessing, you're giving yourself a leg up (if there can be one) if they find out from you rather than discovering it themselves. We are two years out from his two affairs - I caught him at both, and 4 years out from my affair - I confessed but I TT. It's been nigh impossible. But, we're trying. what's harming our reconciliation process is that we're mad hatters - and he cannot talk about what he did without throwing in what I did. We have definite sore spots - he blames me for not protecting myself better when I was raped, I don't think I should have to live in the same town as two OW - maybe this will get better. However, as time goes by, the events are getting further behind me in the rear view mirror. That feels good. And our bodies have recovered from trauma. I'm convinced there is a physiological recovery from trauma as well. I am so sorry that happened to you.....I don't see how he can blame you for being attacked. I would blame myself I think, it wouldn't even be considered. My wife and I are 6 months in from D-Day and it's painful and bumpy. There is a lot of what I miss coming back but my worries grow day by day. Just now talking with her on the phone she expressed distaste for me, thinking the worst of me I guess. She had the EA for like 8 months and I caught her. After a long mess I told her of my ONS because I knew about her and now I'm the evil person. I'm reading 2 - 4 years of pain from here and there on this forum. I wish someone could write a handbook for what to do LOL
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