spicelover Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Hi everyone, I have a long story, but the short version is that my GF left 2 weeks ago after a huge fight. To her, I'm the devil. I have to admit I didn't handle the situation properly (it got physical - full story here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/466983-do-they-even-come-back-after-you-abuse-them). I left her alone after much talk, and didn't speak for 5 days. It was so hard for me, until I received a message from her asking to meet. We did, and she still wants to move on. She said she is focusing on herself and her "messed up head" (her words not mine), and I should be doing the same.. and that one day down the track "after the dust settles" we'd see where life takes us. Instantly I went into panic mode (I know that's bad), but messed her once a day with nice things. Not begging to get back together kind of stuff, but stuff to let her know I'm here for her and will wait because I believe she's worth it. Anyway, a couple of days of this and she ignored those messages but wrote to me about a few things we had to tie up and we were friendly enough. But then yesterday I sent a song to her and called her and spilled my guts about how I'm doing everything in my power to be a better person and clean up the parts of my life that annoyed her (I have baggage - I always thought I'd handled it but she wasn't satisfied). Anyway she really lost it at me and said she KNOWS all of that but wants to part ways to focus on herself. I couldn't believe how much she'd changed 2 weeks. I said that I understand, and I'll leave her alone to figure herself out and I'll go about my business, but to know I'm not giving up and I'll be here for her the day she's ready to talk because she's worth the wait. I know she has HUGE commitment problems, but we shared a very full and happy life... it just got a bit much for her. She didn't like me saying that. She basically said I was crazy (in a bad way), and to give her space and to MOVE ON. I know I've answered my own question about what's the right thing to do. I am definitely leaving her alone. But I just feel like she's having some kind of break-down. Do people like this ever come back? Or is she gone forever in everyone's experience? I know she still loves me, and this is her way of dealing with things... but I'm not handling this too well.
somegoodman Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I have a long story, but the short version is that my GF left 2 weeks ago after a huge fight. To her, I'm the devil. I have to admit I didn't handle the situation properly It is common for women to instigate fights and arguments as a catalyst for a breakup. Whenever you find yourself getting into arguments often with your girl, take it as a sign that she isn't happy and probably on her way out. In other words, don't just assume that this fight was the reason for the end of you relationship, but rather the opportunity that she finally grasped onto to end it. I left her alone after much talk, and didn't speak for 5 days. It was so hard for me, until I received a message from her asking to meet. We did, and she still wants to move on. She said she is focusing on herself and her "messed up head" (her words not mine), and I should be doing the same.. and that one day down the track "after the dust settles" we'd see where life takes us. There's another guy. Instantly I went into panic mode (I know that's bad), but messed her once a day with nice things. Not begging to get back together kind of stuff, but stuff to let her know I'm here for her and will wait because I believe she's worth it. Every single guy at some point thinks that obsequious groveling will "win" his girl's heart back. Its a symptom of self-blame and guilt. I'm sure you weren't perfect in all of this, but if a girl really wanted to be with you, she would gladly look over any of your "mistakes". When she's in love, your flaws are virtues, your downs are ups, etc. Its not helped by the fact that the woman will ALWAYS lay the blame and guilt on you in order to absolve herself of any guilt, and most men in their heightened emotional state will buy right into it. Anyway she really lost it at me and said she KNOWS all of that but wants to part ways to focus on herself. When she becomes a total bitch it means a severe loss of attraction and frustration at you "not getting it". Women communicate covertly in the hopes that you'll take a hint (ignoring texts, etc). When you persist in the face of this covert rejection, they will finally break and blow up at you in a desperate attempt to make you leave them alone. I couldn't believe how much she'd changed 2 weeks. When a girl's heart is closed to you, you might as well be less than a stranger. She didn't like me saying that. She basically said I was crazy (in a bad way), and to give her space and to MOVE ON. When you keep pestering a girl that has made her motives and intentions clear (in her mind at least), they will absolutely think you are crazy. And she is giving you good advice here; move on and give her more than just space. You need to be Space Cowboy now. I know she still loves me, and this is her way of dealing with things... but I'm not handling this too well. No, you're not. At least you recognize that. In all honesty, you've been doing everything wrong and she may never come around again. You need to come to terms with that. Women don't want a man that can't live without them. By acting out and getting into emotional fits, you're demonstrating weakness that is unattractive in a man. It is ok to be hurt and grieving but do this in private. Every time you chase after a girl that left you, you'll only make her dread being with you even more. 1
Author spicelover Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Thanks for your honesty. I'm really giving her space now, and not just for her, but for myself. I hope I haven't done my dash. She used to stare into my eyes (even a couple of weeks ago), and tell me how lucky she felt that I was all hers. I don't understand. Maybe I never will
somegoodman Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Thanks for your honesty. I'm really giving her space now, and not just for her, but for myself. I hope I haven't done my dash. She used to stare into my eyes (even a couple of weeks ago), and tell me how lucky she felt that I was all hers. I don't understand. Maybe I never will Just want to add, if I come across as unnecessarily harsh it is only because we men sometimes need a cold reality check to get us out of these pitiful emotional states. You'll feel much better once you allow yourself to reach acceptance; the relationship is over, she made her choice and there's nothing you can do now. It still hurts to love someone unrequited but this is also a great opportunity for you. Think of it almost as her doing you a favor and motivating you to grow as a man. Use this pain to drive yourself to accomplish things you've never really gave a shot at before. Sometimes it takes a great loss to push us towards greater gains. And don't worry about what your ex thinks of you. I promise she doesn't hate you, she's just disappointed in your behavior. She has a bad impression of you right now but those feelings will subside with time and she will be grateful that she had her time with you. You may even run into her one day and thank her for dumping you.
Author spicelover Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 No that's cool somegoodman. I really appreciate it and it sounds like you really know what you're talking about. Last night I wrote a goodbye letter. It wasn't a grovel letter, it was more of a wake up for her. I wanted her to know that it's not ok to go around and do the things she's saying and doing, and very damaging. I basically said I am embarrassed for her and I hope she really does get help. Yesterday was a snap day for me where I just got over it all very quickly when I got home to find a bunch of things missing that she'd taken while I was at work. She left a note detailing everything she'd taken and even put more small gifts from me in my bedside table. It's like she just keeps trying to stick the knife in further. So I told her to stay away from me and let me be now as I have nothing further to talk to her about. Today is a new day and the start of me 100% moving on. Still hurts and my heart is beating a 1000miles an hour, but that's ok I know that will go away
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