xMM asked to meet me

[ElectricTangerine]

Quick recap (I already wrote so much on this subject on here): me and xMM have been in a long distance relationship for a year and a half. When we met, he didn't mention he was married, but after 2 months of daily conversations and chats, I saw him wear a ring. Asked him about it, he told me he's separated but not finally divorced, but he is in fact done with his marriage and will pursue the divorce when he can. I was really into him so I said fine, close enough to being single for now, the man is divorcing (dumb dumb dumb I know, I know better now). When I was with him, it felt like the perfect relationship. I felt like he was my soulmate and our relationship was so intense. Fast forward to last November or so... I discover through pure coincidence that for the first 6 months of our relationship, he was still living with his wife in their marital home. During that time, we met 3 times for a week each time. He said they were living together because it was easier financially and they were basically roommates, caring for their 10 year old son. Furthermore, I was under the impression that he was actively pursuing a divorce, when in fact he never even bothered to visit an attorney! I freak out, he starts crying, pleading, trying to convince me that he would do anything to keep me. He actually filed for the divorce in the same week when the truth came out. He gives me access to his e-mails. Curiosity gets the best of me and I start reading e-mails between him and the BS, him calling her pet names, telling her that he misses and adores her....... I saw that they participated in joint activities just a few days after he visited me for the first time. I feel disgusted, clearly they were more than just roommates. WTF is going on. I break up with him, tell him to not contact me unless he can show me some divorce papers first and go NC.

 

So... It's been 4 months since the BU now. I blocked him where he could be blocked, filtered his potential e-mails out of my inbox into a special folder... Worked on myself, became active in a new club, made new friends... I really love where I am in my life right now. I feel so, so happy. Separating myself from the drama of xMM and his wife and constantly wishing and praying for his divorce has been absolutely liberating. It's awesome not having his mess in my life. I do feel sorry for him because he ****ed up his life so bad. It really makes me sad. Despite everything, I still think he's a good person, but his coping and decision making mechanisms are absolutely terrible. Honestly, I don't really miss him. I have no trouble maintaining NC. I'm doing fine on my own. Being the OW took so much energy out of me, I felt tired all the time, had trouble getting up in the morning, just wanted to sleep. I didn't even realize this until I ended things with him and started getting all my energy back. At the moment, I feel fantastic. I've met so many interesting new people, I developed crushes...

 

... And now, he sent me an e-mail stating that he wants to see me next month because his divorce will be final. I was almost certain he would go back to the BS, so that was surprising. He wants to see me and talk. I'm pretty sure that he will just show up at my doorstep unannounced if I don't reply and set a date. What is your take on this, fellow LS members?

[whichwayisup]

. I really love where I am in my life right now. I feel so, so happy.

Don't see him. You're in a good place right now. He lied to you, really fooled you and he should NOT be reaching out to you UNTIL he is officially divorced. Not 'the D will be final next month'.

 

Write him back and tell him you will 'consider' speaking to him on the phone once his divorce is final and even then it's JUST to talk, not to continue back into life asap. This guy has a kid too, a house to sell and a life to say goodbye to so really him reaching out to you this soon ( before he is even divorced yet) is not cool. It's like he wants to make sure you'll 'be there' for him either way. That's not right and it's totally disrespectful seeing as he lied to you from beginning.

 

Another thing to think about, you ready to be step mom and always have to deal with his ex wife? She will still be involved and in the picture for many years to come.

 

Edited to add, ask him to NOT just show up at your house. That's wrong and invasive to do.

[Forever Learning]

What is your take on this, fellow LS members?

 

Send him a reply text asking him to never contact you again.

 

Then maintain 100% No Contact.

 

If he continues to contact you tell him not to contact you or you will pursue legal action including a restraining order.

 

He lacks integrity. He lied to you. You don't need him or his dysfunctional drama in your life whatsoever.

 

All the best to you dear! I wish you all the joy, happiness, satisfaction and contentment this life can offer you. The world is your oyster, go forth and seize the day! Enjoy your new happy, peaceful, drama free life. Life has great things in store for you, I feel sure of it.

 

No Contact!

[Patrice]

Keep NC .... he lied to you, first and foremost - and didn't give it a second thought. They ALWAYS try to come back for some reason or another - they are at a low point for some reason - need their ego stroked, dipping their toe in the water to see if you're still around and thinking about them.

 

If he wants to be with you and cares about you and your happiness, he will deal with his own baggage before he ever attempts to contact you. You have a right to happiness and health and all good things in life. He has shown that he is not interested in that for you already.

[herself]

A part of me feels u want to see him.

You know the answer.

Its sad it cant be both ways, but ur energy just came back ya know?

Its tempting but I would say dont look back.

And to avoid the temptation, block him everywhere and delete his number or your back to square one. Onward & upward! You got this!

[Poppy's sister]

Just to play devils advocate for a minute...the OP did tell this man not to contact her UNTIL he has divorce papers to show her. The email he sent implies he has...he said next month when divorce final....

Now i agree it osunds like you have moved on successfully and congrats on your new life, and i am not sure being in contact with him will be good for you, however you didnt say to him ' never contact me again ever no matter what'.

I think if he is coming to you with divorce papers in hand you owe him a meeting , you left that door open and he may have done exactly what you asked him to ...divorce and come through that open door with divorce papers in hand.

Now just because he did doesnt mean you owe him a life together, but surely saying ' no contact until you have divorce papers to show me' is future faking to a degree ....?

[ElectricTangerine]

Thank you all for your input. I thought about it and I decided to meet with him next week. I didn't want to go back on my word and I admit, there still are feelings. I don't know if he deserves a second chance or not. I receive his final divorce papers this week. The fact that he still decided to go through with it even though I dumped him and that it happened so fast (4 months!) does say something. Their marital home has also been sold. He even decided to see a therapist. That was quite a big step for him.

 

I don't know how things are between him and BS now. She was a housewife when they were married, so before there was a whole lot of dependence going on back then. It used to drive me crazy how much he had to help a grown healthy woman out. I assume she has a job now because laws in his country don't require him to pay spousal support after divorce, only child support. It is assumed that they can care of themselves. Their son is 10, healthy and spends most of his day in school. I don't see a reason why she couldn't support herself. The reason why I'm saying this is because her presence is the main reason why I'm not very keen on taking him back. The only way I would consider it is if there were clear boundaries between them. Which to me means no random unnecessary phone calls, especially when I'm with him (they almost always ended with and argument anyway), no taking care of her, no helping her out, no fixing her things. I know they have a son and he must be his priority. I have no issues with that. I really don't want him to suffer more than he already had to. I would not stand in the way of xMM being a good father. But I do think that if he wants to be in a committed relationship with me, his loyalty should be to me first. Which means limiting contact with xW to only what's necessary for his son's well being. I can't share my partner with another woman. Is this reasonable of me to ask for? I do not want to be unfair, but if we were to be together again, anything else would drive me crazy and I would not be willing to do it. Opinions, dear LS?

[sunburned]

Hmm, did u really just say u did not want to share your partner with another woman? You did it before. Also from your OP it sounds like you are in a really great place right now emotionally. Why risk that? I would rethink meeting him at all.

 

I think you cannot dictate the conditions of their divorce. The law is one thing but perhaps they made some other arrangement between them. You would need to be prepared to live with that.

 

It sounds like the divorce was only very recently finalized. I have seen posters in similar circumstances advised to wait up to 6 months to see how the former AP does on his own. I think that would be good advice in your case since you are already heading into this meeting with anger and resentment toward the BS/xW.

 

Best of luck

[ElectricTangerine]

Hmm, did u really just say u did not want to share your partner with another woman? You did it before.

 

I did, but I only entered the relationship because he told me he was separated and divorcing. Sharing was never supposed to be a permanent thing. I didn't even know we were having an affair at that time. I didn't know what it was like back then, but now I do and I know that I can't share my partner with another woman. Ever. Lesson learned.

 

I think you cannot dictate the conditions of their divorce. The law is one thing but perhaps they made some other arrangement between them. You would need to be prepared to live with that.

 

I don't know what kind of arrangements they made, if they made them. If they made arrangements I can't live with, I will respect that and remove myself from the situation completely. I don't want to force anyone to do anything. He's the one pursuing me and asking for a relationship now. If he wants it, those would be my conditions for even considering it. He's free to say that this is unacceptable. Would it be really unreasonable of me to ask for boundaries and prevention of his former marriage leaking all over a new relationship?

[Lovemesomehim]

You're making a big step with trusting him to be honest with you, when infact he wasn't honest with his BS.

The fact that AP and BS share a child together, does include the risk of the two of them seeing one another at child events, etc. If the divorce was one that was both agreed upon, no problem, but if there was some resistance on BS side, I wouldn bet she would pose issues during your R with her xh. In matters such as these, caution is required because you never know what type of R he has with his child, his XW, family and friends that would also pose problems through your R with him.

Either way, good luck with your meeting.

[Popsicle]

If it were me, I would tell him he can see me when he has the signed (by both parties) final divorce papers with him to show me.

[jellybean89]

I think I am confused. He has sold the marital home and divorced his wife in 4 months? And they share a child? I've never heard of a divorce with a child only taking 4 months.

 

As to what his wife should and shouldn't be doing (with regards to a job), that's not your business. As married people/parents, they chose how they would raise their child, whether she would work or not. You seem to imply its easy as pie to get a job after being unemployed for 10+ years. It's not. I'm shocked that there is no spousal support, do you know this for a fact. Really shocked since she hasn't worked in 10 years and no way she can make enough to support herself and her child.

 

You can demand all you want that he not speak to his wife, but this is where you will have issues because they are parents. No matter their marital state, they will always be parents. They will attend sports events, school functions, etc. they could very easily talk daily. Are you saying this is unacceptable to you? If that it the case, my advice would be to not date anyone with kids.

 

He needs time to work on his issues. He is no where ready to date in my view.

[jwi71]

Quick recap (I already wrote so much on this subject on here): me and xMM have been in a long distance relationship for a year and a half. When we met, he didn't mention he was married, but after 2 months of daily conversations and chats, I saw him wear a ring. Asked him about it, he told me he's separated but not finally divorced, but he is in fact done with his marriage and will pursue the divorce when he can. I was really into him so I said fine, close enough to being single for now, the man is divorcing (dumb dumb dumb I know, I know better now). When I was with him, it felt like the perfect relationship. I felt like he was my soulmate and our relationship was so intense. Fast forward to last November or so... I discover through pure coincidence that for the first 6 months of our relationship, he was still living with his wife in their marital home. During that time, we met 3 times for a week each time. He said they were living together because it was easier financially and they were basically roommates, caring for their 10 year old son. Furthermore, I was under the impression that he was actively pursuing a divorce, when in fact he never even bothered to visit an attorney! I freak out, he starts crying, pleading, trying to convince me that he would do anything to keep me. He actually filed for the divorce in the same week when the truth came out. He gives me access to his e-mails. Curiosity gets the best of me and I start reading e-mails between him and the BS, him calling her pet names, telling her that he misses and adores her....... I saw that they participated in joint activities just a few days after he visited me for the first time. I feel disgusted, clearly they were more than just roommates. WTF is going on. I break up with him, tell him to not contact me unless he can show me some divorce papers first and go NC.

 

So... It's been 4 months since the BU now. I blocked him where he could be blocked, filtered his potential e-mails out of my inbox into a special folder... Worked on myself, became active in a new club, made new friends... I really love where I am in my life right now. I feel so, so happy. Separating myself from the drama of xMM and his wife and constantly wishing and praying for his divorce has been absolutely liberating. It's awesome not having his mess in my life. I do feel sorry for him because he ****ed up his life so bad. It really makes me sad. Despite everything, I still think he's a good person, but his coping and decision making mechanisms are absolutely terrible. Honestly, I don't really miss him. I have no trouble maintaining NC. I'm doing fine on my own. Being the OW took so much energy out of me, I felt tired all the time, had trouble getting up in the morning, just wanted to sleep. I didn't even realize this until I ended things with him and started getting all my energy back. At the moment, I feel fantastic. I've met so many interesting new people, I developed crushes...

 

... And now, he sent me an e-mail stating that he wants to see me next month because his divorce will be final. I was almost certain he would go back to the BS, so that was surprising. He wants to see me and talk. I'm pretty sure that he will just show up at my doorstep unannounced if I don't reply and set a date. What is your take on this, fellow LS members?

 

Don't.

 

He has already displayed his character by lying from day one. Showed you ZERO respect.

 

And the D line is likely crap. However, if you so wish, tell him you will meet him in a public place and ONLY on the condition he bring a signed and notarized copy of his D papers. Those are public record anyway so it won't be hard to verify.

 

...and...really...all that verification BS...that enough is sufficient to run away - why deal with it all?

 

I'm back to don't.

 

Reply "Thank you for reaching out to me but I have no interest in seeing or hearing from you again. Please do NOT contact me going forward - it is unwanted."