BlueBobby Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 People who have been cheated on who want to give me a rant can go ahead but don't expect me to reply. I sucked her back in I guess. Is that what it is? Told her I wanted to stop because I was sure we were going to end up caught but I texted her a couple days ago and it feels like it did at the beginning. She missed me and I missed her and we are just gonna try to enjoy it for what it is with no expectations. Feels great to have her and I felt like **** trying to push her out of my mind. I've never done the off on thing in any relationship before, but if I believe what I see here it's common in affairs?
rumbleseat Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 what are you expectig? A hero cookie? Leave your w and go. Be with your ow. You two deserve each other Thid isn't some bs rant-more of a personal observstion. 12
spookysonata Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 exactly. Tell your wife about the affair and leave her for her friend. It would be kinder than what you're doing. 6
Speakingofwhich Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 exactly. Tell your wife about the affair and leave her for her friend. It would be kinder than what you're doing. what are you expectig? A hero cookie? Leave your w and go. Be with your ow. You two deserve each other Thid isn't some bs rant-more of a personal observstion. If I'm not mistaken he would leave his W for her but isn't sure his MOW would leave her H for him. That right, BlueBobby?
veritas lux mea Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 People who have been cheated on who want to give me a rant can go ahead but don't expect me to reply. I sucked her back in I guess. Is that what it is? Told her I wanted to stop because I was sure we were going to end up caught but I texted her a couple days ago and it feels like it did at the beginning. She missed me and I missed her and we are just gonna try to enjoy it for what it is with no expectations. Feels great to have her and I felt like **** trying to push her out of my mind. I've never done the off on thing in any relationship before, but if I believe what I see here it's common in affairs? Very very common. I think more common for men than women but I am not sure on that. Just from reading on cheaters forums. My xMM was push and pull and it got crazy! It could be a daily switch. All I wanted was sex but he would accuse me of wanting more. And anyways, I finally had enough. I was beig eat up alive by the secret as it was. His toying with me and being back and forth were too much. So I told my H and ended the A for good. It was just supposed to be about sex in my case but even then it got emotional. Yuck!
herself Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I dont want to jump on any bandwagon to judge. Im not trying to condone either. I do understand. On these boards your in good company. Just want to say, just be so ultra careful here. Set strict boundaries on contact and meeting. You can get caught, she will feel guilt again. It will end again & each time hurts worse. I seem to believe you love her. Before there is dday, you should really soul search....is it a possibility to get a peaceful amicable no contest divorce? I went through it, he cheated but i wanted to do it without making him pay. We are friends to this day. You can do it the right way, its at least an option? Be careful is all.
Moonlitgirl Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Yes, it is common. You will both find that after about 2 years in, it gets much easier to handle. I know you said that you guys are about a year in, and even though you're fighting you're mind and telling yourself that it is what it is.....you're still in love. And those love chemicals have you messed up. After the two year mark, you will both settle down and it will be easier. I remember your first topic, when you said you didn't contact her as much as you really wanted to and you gave your reasons. That was so helpful to me because my AP has been the same way. He has hid his emotions from me and tried to keep it simple so it wouldn't get too complicated. I respect that and know it's for the best, but I struggle with it and that is what your girl will struggle with the most. The breaking point with her will be the decision of whether she can keep it just about sex and friendship or whether she will want more. Women have a much harder time continuously having sex with no commitment. I know my AP is in love with me. Yet, he does not offer me the affection I truly desire. No cuddling, no deep hugs. This is because he wants it to last and doesn't want us to get to the point that makes us want to leave our spouses. But, even though I know it's best that way, it hurts. We women are emotional, and we want that affection. That is what I struggle with.
violet1 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I wish I could say I was surprised. This is very common in affairs. It's how most people get caught because they don't stick to NC. Very rarely can people go back to being platonic friends after an affair. I'm patiently waiting for your D Day because it's coming. 2
waterwoman Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I wish I could say I was surprised. This is very common in affairs. It's how most people get caught because they don't stick to NC. Very rarely can people go back to being platonic friends after an affair. I'm patiently waiting for your D Day because it's coming. And it will be a blessed relief when it comes! For everyone.
Author BlueBobby Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 I wish I could say I was surprised. This is very common in affairs. It's how most people get caught because they don't stick to NC. Very rarely can people go back to being platonic friends after an affair. I'm patiently waiting for your D Day because it's coming. You sound like a bad movie preview. Anyway I think you will be waiting a long while because things are pretty calm around here.
Author BlueBobby Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Yes, it is common. You will both find that after about 2 years in, it gets much easier to handle. I know you said that you guys are about a year in, and even though you're fighting you're mind and telling yourself that it is what it is.....you're still in love. And those love chemicals have you messed up. After the two year mark, you will both settle down and it will be easier. I remember your first topic, when you said you didn't contact her as much as you really wanted to and you gave your reasons. That was so helpful to me because my AP has been the same way. He has hid his emotions from me and tried to keep it simple so it wouldn't get too complicated. I respect that and know it's for the best, but I struggle with it and that is what your girl will struggle with the most. The breaking point with her will be the decision of whether she can keep it just about sex and friendship or whether she will want more. Women have a much harder time continuously having sex with no commitment. I know my AP is in love with me. Yet, he does not offer me the affection I truly desire. No cuddling, no deep hugs. This is because he wants it to last and doesn't want us to get to the point that makes us want to leave our spouses. But, even though I know it's best that way, it hurts. We women are emotional, and we want that affection. That is what I struggle with. I've used the same phrase, that I want it to last. If we didn't have kids and relatively happy marriages id consider leaving and maybe so would she, but we do.
violet1 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 You sound like a bad movie preview. Anyway I think you will be waiting a long while because things are pretty calm around here. I sound like a bad movie preview? Really? Why? You are a typical cheater! There's nothing unique about your story. I was just like you, I won't get caught, blah, blah, blah... It happened to me, as long as you continue in contact with your wife's best friend, it will happen to you too. You just don't want to face reality and I get that. I'll leave you be to enjoy your rainbows and unicorns. It's all bull sh*t and you know it. Calm? Of course things are calm because your wife is clueless about her husband and her best friend. 7
Sub Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 What led you to believe you were going to get caught the first time around?
Author BlueBobby Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 I sound like a bad movie preview? Really? Why? You are a typical cheater! There's nothing unique about your story. I was just like you, I won't get caught, blah, blah, blah... It happened to me, as long as you continue in contact with your wife's best friend, it will happen to you too. You just don't want to face reality and I get that. I'll leave you be to enjoy your rainbows and unicorns. It's all bull sh*t and you know it. Calm? Of course things are calm because your wife is clueless about her husband and her best friend. I've never said I can't or won't get caught. The people who do are in their own world. I'm aware and alert, of every possibility, and I'm not worried.
Author BlueBobby Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 What led you to believe you were going to get caught the first time around? Because I fell in love with her and that's a lot harder to hide than sex. 1
Sub Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Sounds like you may just be entering back into a pattern, though. With a relatively happy marriage and kids, I hope you're thinking clearly.
Author BlueBobby Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Sounds like you may just be entering back into a pattern, though. With a relatively happy marriage and kids, I hope you're thinking clearly. Ya I really just want to be able to talk to her again. The sex isn't even all that important, I want that and so does she but if it was risky it's not worth it right now. But I just want to be able to talk to her and so far that's all we've done. I'm thinking clearly. I know what's risky and what's not. And I know lots of people get caught and I know we could too, I've never said otherwise. But just because someone else got caught and they start saying "everyone does" after it makes me laugh. It does. Those people have no vile about this situation. Nothing about it is unique maybe but it's unique to us and we are staying at arms length for now.
Author BlueBobby Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 She told me she would rather be friends than lose either me or my wife completely and I agree 100 percent with her.
Clay Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Why not just divorce and go be with her. If you truly love her why not be with her everyday. Why put everyone else at risk. It does not really make much sense to me that your ok with her having sex with her husband and then coming and having sex with you. Clay 2
rumbleseat Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 She told me she would rather be friends than lose either me or my wife completely and I agree 100 percent with her. I am probably wasting my time here, but I'll make one last appeal to your common human decency. i hope you are able to put your cocky attitude aside or a minute and ask yourself if any of this is fair, kind and loving to your wife. She's not only being betrayed by her H, but also by her best friend. If you were in in her place, how would that make you feel? Wouldn't you be really hurt? Would you think it was all just some sort of a hilarious joke and a reason to brag that your H and best friend, the two people who you are supposed to be able to trust the most in the world hurt you like that? I really am surprised that you can treat this cruelty in such a cavalier and dismissive way, like it's some sort of funny thing that you are pulling one over on her. How on earth can either of you possibly feel good, or even okay, about doing that? I'm really hoping that you do feel bad and your attitude is just a cover up because you feel guilt over hurting someone. Now I suppose that you'll just chalk my post up to being a bs, but I have a feeling that most ws and ow/om don't find your attitude all that appealing or funny either. 5
Sub Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 It sounds like your plan is to just keep it on the friend tip, more of an EA than a PA. Correct? If so, and you're not looking to return to what you had, just read your own words: "...it feels like it did at the beginning." Consider how that turned out.
violet1 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 (edited) I've never said I can't or won't get caught. The people who do are in their own world. I'm aware and alert, of every possibility, and I'm not worried. Getting caught has nothing to do with how alert you are. All it takes is one innocent slip. I know you dislike my posts and think I'm attacking you. That's really not the case. Just because I got caught, doesn't mean I think everyone will. However, texting your OW with the I miss you's and I want to have sex with opens the door for a full physical affair to start back up. If that happens, your chances of getting caught increases, right? I wanted you to prove me wrong. I wanted to believe you in your last thread when you said it's over. You say that all of you are friends. Is this how you want the rest of your life to be? You want to married to your wife while secretly pining for your friend's wife? Do you really want two partial relationships? There's no possible way of being completely invested to your W or OW as long as you continue the affair. You feel a strong pull towards your OW because it's an affair. It's not a normal relationship. You are feeling things you haven't felt before. Whether you want to believe it or not, you are causing yourself to be in a permanent state of limbo. Every single person in your situation is getting the short end of the stick. None of you will get the chance to have a complete, long-lasting loving relationship because you and your OW won't let each other go. You don't seem to grasp this and it makes me sad. Edited March 21, 2014 by violet1 1
nais Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Cant hate you for trying to understand what you need- might not be at a point where you need to tell all but if it is then depart no need to share.
Cocochai Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 It's common... It's because you probably actually cared more then you wanted to and you stop cold turkey it's harder to get that person out of ur system... unless you and your BS go to MC after you tell her, you'll be doing thing cycle over and over again if you truly like her. My XMM and I broke things off back near the end of Jan due to his BS becoming suspicious again. Some one very close to me passed away and so for whatever reason, I reached back out to him to let him know because I discussed this person w/ him. We are in the friends zone and he checks up on me every now and then but I'm noticing he's checking in on me where it was every three weeks to once a week. I'm not completely over the A but being only friends has given me my power back to know I like it better as just friends w/out the A. The way he broke things off the last time lets me know it will happen again and again.
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