Complex Situation: I like a girl that other guys like...

[Augman]

I don't want everyone to lose interest from a novel about my situation, so ill make it as short as possible.

 

first the facts:

 

-I like a girl that I've known for a long time, but just now started hanging around.

-She is quite a drive away but I still give big efforts to hang out (I drive to her house and will pick her up for everything we do)

-She dated a guy at her school for maybe a year, but the last few months they have not been together, she simply says things are "complicated" between them.

-I asked her out... she said that her complicated "thing" with this guy would get even more complicated if she dated me.

-She is generally a she girl, which is why I like her. Shes not promiscuous, and has similar interests and humor as I.

-I AM A GUY AND LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP, AS ODD AS IT SOUNDS.

 

Why I am posting:

 

Since she lives a bit away, its very hard to compete with guys all at her school and within walking distance. Not only with this guy she dated a year, but another that she is decently close with. We connect well when with each-other, and she recently got comfortable around me, but I am not going to be put in the friend zone. It has been over a month before i mentioned wanted to be more than friends at all. It's not easy hanging out when she usually has plans.

 

DO I KEEP AT IT? more specifically, do I keep hanging out with her when I can? DO I ASK TO BE MORE THAN FRIENDS AGAIN, or do i respect that she is in something complicated right now? I'm not one to waste opportunities, so i am willing to do anything suggested. Should i just casually tell her how i feel and that I am here if shes ready and not expect an answer?

It hurts me a little on the inside...

 

before you say "there are plenty of fish in the sea" I'm a little picky with woman, and she fits perfectly, I'm not just wearing rose-colored glasses.

 

Thanks...

[clia]

It isn't complex at all:

 

-I asked her out... she said that her complicated "thing" with this guy would get even more complicated if she dated me.

 

You asked her out and she said "No."

 

That's all you need to know. She's not interested in dating you.

 

So, to answer your questions:

 

DO I KEEP AT IT?

 

There's nothing to "keep at." She's already turned you down.

 

more specifically, do I keep hanging out with her when I can?

 

If you don't mind being in her friendzone, sure.

 

DO I ASK TO BE MORE THAN FRIENDS AGAIN, or do i respect that she is in something complicated right now?

 

Respect that she doesn't want to date you.

Should i just casually tell her how i feel and that I am here if shes ready and not expect an answer?

 

She already knows how you feel -- you asked her out. She said no.

 

I'm sorry to be blunt, but your best bet is to move on and try to find someone else.

[Augman]

She already knows how you feel -- you asked her out. She said no.

 

I'm sorry to be blunt, but your best bet is to move on and try to find someone else.

 

Thanks for the quick reply, honestly, I realize I am probably blind to my situation, and I see exactly what you mean. My thoughts were that she was just confused, and that i needed a way to sway her my way...

 

She texts me pretty regularly and is interested in going out to movies, dinner, and even coming over to my house, but wont call them "dates" because of her situation. So I think you could see where i am coming from in my chance at her.

 

Really though, thanks for the reply and I'll consider that shes just not interested. As I said, I just wouldn't want to miss out on a girl great for me...

 

If others have input, go ahead and post it!

Edited March 20, 2014 by Augman
Forgot to quote

[clia]

Thanks for the quick reply, honestly, I realize I am probably blind to my situation, and I see exactly what you mean. My thoughts were that she was just confused, and that i needed a way to sway her my way...

 

She texts me pretty regularly and is interested in going out to movies, dinner, and even coming over to my house, but wont call them "dates" because of her situation. So I think you could see where i am coming from in my chance at her.

 

Really though, thanks for the reply and I'll consider that shes just not interested. As I said, I just wouldn't want to miss out on a girl great for me...

 

If others have input, go ahead and post it!

 

It seems to me that she's using you for validation. When you say that she won't call what you two do "dates" -- has she actually said that? Do you pay on these "dates?"

 

I look to Occam's Razor. She knows you are interested in her. If she wants to be with you, her solution is to end things with the guy and to date you. (What does "it's complicated" even mean...? If she's not with him, then she is free to date you.) So why do you think she hasn't done that?

[Augman]

It seems to me that she's using you for validation. When you say that she won't call what you two do "dates" -- has she actually said that? Do you pay on these "dates?"

 

I look to Occam's Razor. She knows you are interested in her. If she wants to be with you, her solution is to end things with the guy and to date you. (What does "it's complicated" even mean...? If she's not with him, then she is free to date you.) So why do you think she hasn't done that?

 

 

 

Firstly: sorry for the novel I am about to type.

 

 

 

 

 

I am new to the forum, so again, thanks very much for the reply. much appreciated when someone like you does actually take an interest in this problem.

 

you make some interesting points.

 

she's using you for validation.

Could you elaborate a little bit please?

 

When you say that she won't call what you two do "dates" -- has she actually said that?

on our very first "get together/date" she said she wanted to grab a bite to eat for dinner, again, this was the first time we were meeting eachother in quite a while (more than a year), so her choosing dinner at a restaurant threw me off a tiny bit, so i simply asked "is this a date, or just hanging out?" She replied by pretty much saying "we haven't seen each-other in a long time, so we are just hanging out, don't worry" implying I was worried it was a date... I wasn't, but i left it at that.

 

We had a genuinely good time, and she walked to meet me there, so I insisted to drive her home and I did.. etc etc...

 

You're going to get upset at the next part, because i messed up... We had so much in common so I couldn't help myself but to text her a day or so later that I had a good time and wanted to take her on more of a real date... yeah... I realized after that it was a huge mistake to text that, instead of bringing it up another time we were "hanging out"... but stupid me did it anyways, i was anxious. THAT is when she said the whole "Im in a complicated thing with someone and it would be more complex if i dated you blah blah blahhhh" and she immediately changed the subject (no surprise there...)

 

Since then she has been interested in hanging out a decent amount. She will randomly text like "hey, whatchya doin?" and see whats up, and offer to hangout soon. but again; every-time, we use that word... "hangout."

 

Do you pay on these "dates?"

our very first meet-up that i talked about before, she insisted we split the tab being I drove quite a way to meet up with her near her house... I wasn't about to argue that one... maybe I should have, i dunno.

 

Recently we saw a movie and hung out... I covered the tickets, and she would want to get popcorn/drinks so she bought those... After the movie I had assumed I was just going to drop her off at her house and call it a night, but she said she wanted to do something else too... She asked if we could just go to my house for a bit. we did.... ended up being a really late night on a school night but I tried NOTHING with her... despite being completely alone together in my room (possibly another mistake, but I'm not that type of guy since she DID just say she was in something complicated so I wasn't about to pressure her into anything... we connected with each-other a long while and that's how we lost track of time...

 

she texted me that night i dropped her off from the movie and coming over and said I was amazing for going through all that trouble to hang out with her.

 

Keep in mind though, I really planned on splitting the costs anyways since I drive 40min to her house, pick her up, do whatever, then drive back, drop her off, and drive home... its a lot of work lol..

 

Oh we also occasionally voice-chat over the computer and play videogames...

 

If she's not with him, then she is free to date you.) So why do you think she hasn't done that?

They dated a year, only recently broke up, and they still hang out... I assume they are at least slightly interested in getting back together because they feel attached... Aside from that she tells me constantly she feels terrible for me having to spend so much on gas to see her, I of course always respond with something along the lines of "Its worth it to me..." ALSO she has a guy friend she spends quite a bit of time with since they are within walking distance, in fact those two are going to prom together (we are both high school seniors)... Hell... for all I know, this "complicated thing" could be with this new guy, but she talks about him in a friend fashion... I don't know much though.

 

If it tells you anything, she keeps very very quite when talking about other guys, and about her feelings towards me. The only time I have asked I got no response...

 

Its a pretty big turn off for me to have to compete for other guys that are within walking distance and hangout with her on the norm. She lives a busy life and always has things planned on weekends, so hanging out isn't the easiest...

 

Those are my thoughts on why she wont give up on her current "complicated things".

 

I also realize I have probably messed up 1,000 times over... I have plenty of Girl-friends, but she is the only one I feel truly nervous around, which is why I don't think smartly around her.

 

I'm not afraid to try any suggestion though, I just have no idea what I'm doing when around her. If its best to wait, I'll wait, but I don't want another girl-friend... i want a girlfriend. tell me to kiss her next time i see her I would try that too, doesn't matter... I just have no idea and need a second opinion on what is truly going on...

 

SORRY FOR THE NOVEL, and thanks so much!!

[newmoon]

if she is in something 'complicated' then she isn't actually out of a relationship yet and wouldn't be immediately ready for the next one when she does untangle herself from her old/current bf. you're wasting time more for that reason; you're going to be a friend regardless because she isn't in a place to date now and wouldn't be, even once the 'complication' is behind her. sounds like wrong person, wrong time. there are lots of other women you will have things in common with and like, it's not as though she's the only girl on the planet. distance yourself and move on, don't allow her to use you more

[Augman]

if she is in something 'complicated' then she isn't actually out of a relationship yet and wouldn't be immediately ready for the next one when she does untangle herself from her old/current bf. you're wasting time more for that reason; you're going to be a friend regardless because she isn't in a place to date now and wouldn't be, even once the 'complication' is behind her. sounds like wrong person, wrong time. there are lots of other women you will have things in common with and like, it's not as though she's the only girl on the planet. distance yourself and move on, don't allow her to use you more

 

Thanks for the added insight.

Edited March 21, 2014 by Augman

[Phantom888]

Don't let her disinterest bog you down. You are better off dating someone closer to you so you can spend more time together. Also you don't want a girl who attracts complicated situations. Dating should be simple, not messy.

 

That said, there is no problem with dating a girl who other guys desire. Chances are, if you think she is hot, many guys would think that too. It's always a competition. And if she chooses you, then that's great because you beat out all the competition and has someone who is interested in you!

[newmoon]

That said, there is no problem with dating a girl who other guys desire. Chances are, if you think she is hot, many guys would think that too. It's always a competition. And if she chooses you, then that's great because you beat out all the competition and has someone who is interested in you!

 

 

 

it's like going to a pound with 100 dogs and everyone wanting to adopt the exact same one, when 99 others are available and needing homes too. put your focus on the thing everyone wants and you lose sight of the other great options that are available. hopefully he doesn't take this advice... there is nothing amazing about wanting the same girl that everyone wants, but finding the amazing girl that is right for him

[Augman]

Don't let her disinterest bog you down. You are better off dating someone closer to you so you can spend more time together. Also you don't want a girl who attracts complicated situations. Dating should be simple, not messy.

 

That said, there is no problem with dating a girl who other guys desire. Chances are, if you think she is hot, many guys would think that too. It's always a competition. And if she chooses you, then that's great because you beat out all the competition and has someone who is interested in you!

 

Thanks for the insight. to be fair, my area is sort of rural. more specifically, I know pretty much everyone within a 10 mile radius of my house.

 

That said, I am actually pretty willing to drive the distance for the right girl... and I do obviously find this girl to be one to drive the distance for if I've resorted to forums

 

You're 100% correct on the complicated situations though, they're not fun and hard to work around, again hence my reason to ask forums for help.

 

Thanks again

[Augman]

it's like going to a pound with 100 dogs and everyone wanting to adopt the exact same one, when 99 others are available and needing homes too. put your focus on the thing everyone wants and you lose sight of the other great options that are available. hopefully he doesn't take this advice... there is nothing amazing about wanting the same girl that everyone wants, but finding the amazing girl that is right for him

 

Ya know... I was on the exact same page as you. In fact, the type I want the most is a reserved, shy, not super popular, trusting, type girl. As i'm looking for commitment.

 

This is the entire reason I am after this girl specifically, it just so happens she lives in a tight packed city, where there are a hundreds of guys within walking distance to get to her. the way I see that area: she may have 2 or 3 guys interested in her, but the more popular girls have dozens of guys non-stop trying at them. and my area specifically is low-population compared to hers. I know everyone within a certain radius of my house... I'm purposely trying to reach out to other areas, but in a city even the reserved girls get attention, uhg...

 

Hope you understand what I mean, and thanks for the input!

[Michael91]

-She dated a guy at her school for maybe a year, but the last few months they have not been together, she simply says things are "complicated" between them.

-I asked her out... she said that her complicated "thing" with this guy would get even more complicated if she dated me.

-She is generally a she girl, which is why I like her. Shes not promiscuous, and has similar interests and humor as I.

She wouldn't do much of anything with you if she wasn't somewhat interested. Girls know what they are doing so take it being complicated with a grain of salt. It is probably one of two things.

 

1. She wants the guy she has been dating, but likely he is not that enthused about her; and, she knows that but still she has hope and is hanging on while at the same time she is kind of looking; but, although interested, she is not enthused with you. In other words, you are plan B in case Plan A, the more desirable guy, doesn't work out.

 

2. She wants an upgrade or is unsatisfied with the other guy but is unwilling to let go of the other guy until she is certain.

 

Hanging around is not a bad idea if you have the time because, when other more desirable guys disappoint her, she may be receptive to you.

[Augman]

She wouldn't do much of anything with you if she wasn't somewhat interested. Girls know what they are doing so take it being complicated with a grain of salt. It is probably one of two things.

 

1. She wants the guy she has been dating, but likely he is not that enthused about her; and, she knows that but still she has hope and is hanging on while at the same time she is kind of looking; but, although interested, she is not enthused with you. In other words, you are plan B in case Plan A, the more desirable guy, doesn't work out.

 

2. She wants an upgrade or is unsatisfied with the other guy but is unwilling to let go of the other guy until she is certain.

 

Hanging around is not a bad idea if you have the time because, when other more desirable guys disappoint her, she may be receptive to you.

 

Wow that opened my eyes. This is exactly why I come to forums... reality is so easy to see when on the outside. When in the situation (like I am) its so hard to see reality.

 

Your input makes perfect sense. Her shy-ish personality points right to her kind of holding on to this other guy. In fact, because of this post plus all the other great people who have helped, I MAY end up sticking around with her, and trying to show her I AM that upgrade. BUT I will not be exclusive to her unless she ultimately chooses me.

 

I assume if i go with this plan, it opens doors to other woman, while still putting forth effort/Keeping the door wide open with this girl who is still very important to me... Correct?

 

Huge thanks for that input!

[StanMusial]

You are wise to recognize the disadvantage you have compared to her other suitors/potential suitors. It is tough to compete against history or face-time.

 

On the flip side, if you did pull it off you would know she really liked you.

[Augman]

You are wise to recognize the disadvantage you have compared to her other suitors/potential suitors.

 

Thanks, these things are sometimes hard to see when on the inside.

 

 

It is tough to compete against history or face-time.

 

Exactly why this situation is complex and delicate while I am very interested in this person.

 

On the flip side, if you did pull it off you would know she really liked you.

 

That's my dream, man... That is my dream.

 

Thanks for the encouragement.

[Augman]

To anyone still willing to throw out some ideas: since I will probably pursue this girl despite the complications, what are some suggestions in going about this specifically?

 

My instinct was telling me to keep "hanging out" but to remind her every few times we see each-other that I'm still interested.

 

My thoughts aside, I've heard slowing contact to her would help, but I don't think it would in my situation. I feel that less contact from me equals more contact for those other guys; lessening my chances...

 

Should I go for broke or bring the subject up very casually?

 

I will be seeing her within a few days and it has been over a month before I've said anything about "us"... or trying ANYTHING with her to suggest interest in being more than friends.

 

I'm starting to think a casual reminder I'm still very much interested is due.. any thoughts?

[Augman]

Hi everyone, if anyone would care to know how it turned out: I made it a mission to GET her the next time we were to hangout. I had my bases covered and a decent plan in store to get what I wanted.

 

Because of our incredibly busy schedules and no real time to hangout, I've taken too long, and she is now "with" the supposed close friend I had mentioned earlier.

 

I'm moving on completely and will not make any effort unless she turns up single again.

 

Thanks for the insight everyone, and I've learned a little bit from this...

 

Hopefully my failures can teach someone else what not to do, and also help me in later situations.

[truth_seeker]

She wouldn't do much of anything with you if she wasn't somewhat interested. Girls know what they are doing so take it being complicated with a grain of salt. It is probably one of two things.

 

1. She wants the guy she has been dating, but likely he is not that enthused about her; and, she knows that but still she has hope and is hanging on while at the same time she is kind of looking; but, although interested, she is not enthused with you. In other words, you are plan B in case Plan A, the more desirable guy, doesn't work out.

 

2. She wants an upgrade or is unsatisfied with the other guy but is unwilling to let go of the other guy until she is certain.

 

Hanging around is not a bad idea if you have the time because, when other more desirable guys disappoint her, she may be receptive to you.

 

If you want something serious with this girl, forget it. The only shot you have here is what this poster mentions: hang around, and if you catch her during a period were she has no options, she might give in to you.

[TB Rhine]

Word to this entire post - best advice I've ever seen given on here.

 

 

It isn't complex at all:

 

 

 

You asked her out and she said "No."

 

That's all you need to know. She's not interested in dating you.

 

So, to answer your questions:

 

 

 

There's nothing to "keep at." She's already turned you down.

 

 

 

If you don't mind being in her friendzone, sure.

 

 

 

Respect that she doesn't want to date you.

 

 

She already knows how you feel -- you asked her out. She said no.

 

I'm sorry to be blunt, but your best bet is to move on and try to find someone else.

[TB Rhine]

Also, when she insisted on prolonging the not-date and then suggested (suggested!!!) that you take her to your house... that was your cue to make a move. When you didn't, she friendzoned you once and for all.