beyondcrushed Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Hi, so I got back together with my exbf recently and two close friends and my sister (who I am close with) won't talk to me anymore. They have told me the reason is because I'm with my ex. When my ex and I broke up, I cried to my sister and friends about it for weeks then I wouldn't stop talking about it for a few months. I would tell them the good and the bad in our relationship. They all tried to help me get over him and the common theme from them was that he was a jerk and to move on. When I told them my ex and I are back together: my sister became angry with me and stopped talking to me; my one close female friend said she can't go through the roller coaster she knows I'm gonna be on with him and won't talk to me now but said she would in the future; and my other close male friend won't speak to me. I do have other friends who will talk to me, but they are friends with him too. I am so upset about the three that won't speak to me. Are these true friends? If they were, they'd be there for me through thick and thin, even when they think I'm being stupid. Are they trying to motivate me into dumping him? What should I do to get their friendship back that doesn't involve dumping my ex? Has anyone ever experienced this before and what did you do? Did you ever recover your friendships and keep your bf?
Raena Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I actually did have exactly this happen to me. I lost many very good friends because I chose to go back with my ex after he was a jerk to me. Let me tell you what... it wasn't worth it. 11 years later and I finally smartened up to what a jerk he is and got out of the relationship. Looking back now I realized that I should have listened to my friends and stayed away from him. I still miss those friendships and am not sure I can ever repair them. This is what I learned from it: 1. don't cry to your friends about what a jerk your ex is and then expect them to get on board when you return to the relationship. Don't tell them about it at all unless you are ready to be done with him and need their support in getting there. 2. don't put your man in front of your female friends. You will need those friendships as you grow older. 3. make sure whoever you choose to be with is someone who can get along with your friends. 4. choose good female friends 2
Almond_Joy Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 You know, it's probably because they care about you so much that they have to pull away. When you share all the ups and downs of your relationship with your friends, their empathy for you means that in a sense they are going through those changes too. It's not fair of you to place all your emotional stress from the relationship on them. On top of that, it also sounds like they think this relationship is toxic. Which just makes this more tumultuous because you're probably unhappy and angry and sad a lot more often and venting all that to them a lot more often. It is EXHAUSTING to emotionally support someone else in hard times and in their eye you deliberately put yourself back in a bad situation. Some people cannot stay in your life and watch you make what they see as bad decisions. It makes them unhappy to see you in a bad way and you refuse to change the situation, they can't change it for you.....so they just remove that stressor from their life. I think until you improve the relationship with your bf or break up with him you should respect their decision and leave them be. 1
pteromom Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Sometimes it hurts too much to watch a friend make a stupid choice for herself. If it was just ONE friend, I might consider that she could be wrong. That maybe she isn't a "true" friend. But two friends AND a sister who all feel the same way about your bf? I would put some serious consideration into what they are seeing that you aren't seeing. 1
Author beyondcrushed Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 This is what I learned from it: 1. don't cry to your friends about what a jerk your ex is and then expect them to get on board when you return to the relationship. Don't tell them about it at all unless you are ready to be done with him and need their support in getting there. 2. don't put your man in front of your female friends. You will need those friendships as you grow older. These are sooo true. I've learned that the hard way but will never make that mistake again. Thanks for the reminder:)
Author beyondcrushed Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Some people cannot stay in your life and watch you make what they see as bad decisions. It makes them unhappy to see you in a bad way and you refuse to change the situation, they can't change it for you.....so they just remove that stressor from their life. I think until you improve the relationship with your bf or break up with him you should respect their decision and leave them be. Great response. Thanks for that. I believe this to be so true. And yes, I have respected their decision and have left them alone since they bowed out of our friendship/sisterhood. We'll see what happens.
Author beyondcrushed Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) I would put some serious consideration into what they are seeing that you aren't seeing. My ex and I were together for 8 months. My female friend has never met him and is basing her opinion on what she hears from me. My sister met him a few times (1 coffee break, and a night of alpine skiing) so she doesn't really know him. My male friend works with my exbf but doesn't really know him outside of work. I know they only care for me and see things I don't see, even if it is minimal. There may be some truths. I believe after we broke up, I painted an unfair picture of my ex making him out to be bad because I was trying to get over him and needed their help. I needed them on side to convince me too, that he was a jerk and it was a good thing we broke up. I will see how my ex and I develop. If we work out, I may have to convince my friend and sister that he's not all that bad. Ugh! I hate this. Lesson learned, be fair to an ex, and don't divulge too much to friends. Edited March 20, 2014 by beyondcrushed
preraph Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 It's one thing if your parents or maybe a sibling don't think a relationship is good for you because parents are usually overprotective, but it's quite another when all your best friends are so livid you're back with him that they are barely speaking, and you should listen to them. When your friends all see something seriously amiss, they are simply not looking at him through love blinders like you are and are seeing him for what he is and what his influence is doing to you, and you should pay attention to them. Do not mistake it for jealousy or simply being tired of hearing about it (which I'm sure they are because they're human), but good friends will tell you the truth whether you want to hear it or not.
Author beyondcrushed Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 I know you're right. Hard though when your emotions are involved. Thanks!
Elias33 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 It all comes down to the consequences of your choices. And that pretty much goes with all things in life. Just consider their point of view for a moment and if you disagree, you go your own way. Sometimes it's all about making a choice. No point in arguing with anyone. Some people will stay in your life longer than others, and mostly that is because of choices. Ces't la vie.
SpiralOut Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 (edited) They have given up on you. They feel that you do not listen to them, do not care what they think, and do not value their opinions. It is extremely difficult to remain friends with someone who ignores everything you say. It is also difficult to watch someone make bad choices. They were trying to save you from learning your lesson the hard way, but now they see that the only thing to do is step back and let you do what you want. Sometimes people drift apart and it sounds like that is happening for you now. Edited March 21, 2014 by SpiralOut 1
KaliLove Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Yup. I lost all my friends but one by going back to my ex. We broke up, of course. I regret it so much it hurts. I miss my friends.
Author beyondcrushed Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 Some people will stay in your life longer than others, and mostly that is because of choices. This is so true. And it doesn't have to be about a boy, it can be about addiction, about poor values, etc. Thanks.
Author beyondcrushed Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 It is extremely difficult to remain friends with someone who ignores everything you say. It is also difficult to watch someone make bad choices. They were trying to save you from learning your lesson the hard way, but now they see that the only thing to do is step back and let you do what you want. Sometimes people drift apart and it sounds like that is happening for you now. Yah, I get it. This is what is happening. Sad, but I get it.
Author beyondcrushed Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 Yup. I lost all my friends but one by going back to my ex. We broke up, of course. I regret it so much it hurts. I miss my friends. Ugh, that sux. I am sure I'll feel the same too if that happens:(
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