Is he too clingy? Or is it me?

[KelC411]

Ok so this is a weird situation but here goes nothing (thanks in advance for reading!):

 

I started liking this guy at work about a month ago. I got out of a long term relationship about 4 months ago, and so I was nervous, but I have been friends with this guy for a while, so it seemed ok. We started flirting and hanging out in groups more. We hung out one on one a couple times (not truly "dates" but basically). He is older than I am (I am 24 and he is 35) but we have a lot in common and I crushed on him more and more. Then one night he finally texted me that he was interested in me and I reciprocated. Here is where it gets weird. The next day I found out my mom died. So obviousy I had to cancel dates with him and travel to my family. Clearly my focus was elsewhere at that point. Well, he was very sweet and came to my mom's funeral. Truth be told I felt kind of awkward about it, but like I said, we were friends previously so I was grateful he was there for me. When I got back to town I went to hang out with him. I ended up getting snowed in there and we ended up having sex (yikes! I usually wait a while for that, but I guess I wasn't in a good decision making state). It wasn't until then that I found out that he is not that experienced with sex or relationships. I was ok with thatm but then he started acting really clingy. I mean he is so so so nice and I do like him, but he started texting all the time and kissing my head and telling me how amazing I am and how he hopes he "doesn't screw it up." He asked me if we could date and I said yes and then realized he meant actually being gf and bf. I feel bad because he was there for me at a rough time, but I am feeling super overwhelemed by him. I tried to talk to him about it and he assured me I could go slow, especially since I am grieving. But he still keeps saying things like "I am so happy with you," and "I just dn't want to mess this up." I know it sounds like I am being ridiculous complaining about having a nice guy interested in me but I am just feeling smothered. I also feel like I owe him though, for being so nice and really coming through for me. Should I just wait and see how I feel? Does this mean I just don't like him? I'm so confused.

 

Thank you for your advice!

[GemmaUK]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

 

You don't owe him anything.

 

It sounds like he turned up at the funeral without an invite.

Anyone can turn up to a funeral but usually it's to pay their respects to the person who has passed away.

For those who don't know the person it tends to be a specific invite for support.

I would have felt awkward too!

 

He seems to be piling the pressure on you and you are at a more vulnerable point just now emotionally which is completely understandable.

 

Ask yourself if you would be doing the same as him if the situations were reversed. There is your answer.

He is 'appearing' to be very considerate but I think he is actually being pretty inconsiderate of you and quite selfish about his own needs.

 

I would give someone space if I were in his situation. I would let someone know I was there for them - absolutely, but I would back off, not push it.

[soccerrprp]

It means you are overwhelmed right now and need a little breathing room. You don't owe him anything. You had sex with him. He was there b/c he wanted to be and to be a friend. You shouldn't feel that you OWE him anything.

 

You're not all yourself right now. You've just lost your mom. It sounds like you may need to let him know this and be more clear about how his communications are a little too much. It won't make him happy, but he also needs to know that you need some space....ugh...dreadful to receive such a message and yet, you need it.

[d0nnivain]

Given his inexperience he may not realize he is overwhelming you. Ask him to dial it back a bit but assure him that you are still interested. A happy medium is what you need.

[Phantom888]

Sorry for your loss. I don't think this is a good time to date. Also, a 35 year old man without much relationship/sex experience is a red flag. There is a reason why he is this way. You can have lots in common with him, but his behavior is a bit overwhelming. He wants to own you, which is typical for an older inexperienced guy to want. I just don't think you two are good for each other. Soon he'll really reveal why he's been single all this time. You might want to brace yourself.

[somedude81]

He doesn't know or understand that him telling you he is so happy and that he doesn't want to screw it up is making you feel smothered.

 

I bet he has no idea that he's doing anything wrong at all.

 

Why what he is doing is wrong, I have no idea.

 

I always told my ex how happy I was to have her and she suddenly dumped me, saying she felt guilty for not liking me as much as I liked her

Edited March 20, 2014 by somedude81

[KelC411]

Thank you all for your advice. It was really helpful in making my decision. I ended up breaking things off with him. He was overwhelming. He bought me over $200 worth of presents and when I told him it was too much and I couldnt accept it, he insisted even thought he said he "knew he was coming on too strong." I told him I just can't start any relationship right now and I apologized for not realizing how my grief would affect me and sleeping with him (which I know was a bad call). I am more sure than ever that I made the right choice, because he called me back after our conversation and basically told me he would wait for me even though "he knew that was a lot of pressure." i told him it was making me feel pressured and he didnt seem to care. I also found out he is talking to mutual friends about me and saying things like that he is confused about us. We had literally just started seeing each other like a day before my mom died and he is acting like we were engaged and I called it off or something! I know it may seem like I am a bitch, but I just feel like I need to take care of myself and not be worried about his needs right now. I may have picked it back up after my grief let up, but now, after he has been so insistent, I feel like I dont even want to do that....

[Sweetnothing]

I agree with phantom that a guy in his 30s who doesn't have much relationship experience is a red flag. It sounds like this guy makes relationships a HUGE priority and then ends up driving the girl away with his clingy behavior. This isn't your problem at all. He needs to learn how to be alone for a while and then pursue a relationship without immediately investing all of his emotions. I think you should break it off now before it gets worse. He'll get more attached than he already is and it'll just be harder.

 

He sounds nice, but he's being nice to you because he's afraid to be alone. He thinks by showing up at a funeral to "support" you, it'll make you like him more and tbh it's kinda rude. He's not your support system, he's a friend. You didn't ask him to be there he imposed on you without even thinking maybe you would want to be alone with your family. This guy is thinking of nothing other than himself.

[Emilia]

Thank you all for your advice. It was really helpful in making my decision. I ended up breaking things off with him. He was overwhelming. He bought me over $200 worth of presents and when I told him it was too much and I couldnt accept it, he insisted even thought he said he "knew he was coming on too strong." I told him I just can't start any relationship right now and I apologized for not realizing how my grief would affect me and sleeping with him (which I know was a bad call). I am more sure than ever that I made the right choice, because he called me back after our conversation and basically told me he would wait for me even though "he knew that was a lot of pressure." i told him it was making me feel pressured and he didnt seem to care. I also found out he is talking to mutual friends about me and saying things like that he is confused about us. We had literally just started seeing each other like a day before my mom died and he is acting like we were engaged and I called it off or something! I know it may seem like I am a bitch, but I just feel like I need to take care of myself and not be worried about his needs right now. I may have picked it back up after my grief let up, but now, after he has been so insistent, I feel like I dont even want to do that....

It's all about control for him. You did the right thing.

[somedude81]

He bought me over $200 worth of presents and when I told him it was too much and I couldnt accept it

That's really crazy.

 

You've been together for what, 1, 2 months?

 

That and other things showed that he had poor ideas of boundaries.

 

You did the right thing.

[mtber75]

Sorry for your loss. I think you nailed it when you said he's not experienced in either sex or relationships. The fact that he is saying stuff like I don't want to mess this up just yells insecurity! It will get worst if you make it official as in gf and bf. Just tell him the truth, that you need some time because what your going through right now.

[mtber75]

And he seems pretty opportunistic like just showing up to your mom's funeral and having sex with you when your not thinking straight. Pretty shady and creepy if you ask me!

[GemmaUK]

It's all about control for him. You did the right thing.

 

 

Spot on!

Just exactly what I was thinking.

 

KelC, you are not a bitch at all.

You did the right thing. Buying you $200 of presents is insane!

Make sure that you do not keep these presents. Involve someone else, a family member or someone - a friend of yours at work and make sure he gets them back.

 

You slept with him..big deal....not! Forget about it. You're not yourself just now. No one is when they lose a parent. I've lost both of mine so I understand that.

 

I have a feeling that you haven't heard the end of this yet though..especially as he is talking to others about you.

He has no rights over you at all. You may have to be a bitch. When you have to you just do it.

Do you know what he has been telling people exactly?

It needs to be stopped, sooner rather than later.

 

I am so sorry you are going through all this. It's the last thing you need right now. ((hugs)) x

[Marks]

I think it's a little unfair to immediately say it's a red flag if someone doesn't have a lot of relationship/sex experience--it makes it sound like they're toxic material to be avoided at all costs, which doesn't do the person any good if they eventually do want to get relationship experience. It's like the first job out of college conundrum--employers won't hire you because you lack experience, but you lack experience because employers won't hire you. How are you supposed to break out of that cycle? Someone at some point has to give you a chance. After all, lack of experience doesn't necessarily mean that you would be a bad employee, much like I think a lack of experience with relationships doesn't necessarily translate into being a bad partner. Everyone needs to start somewhere, and there could be a variety of reasons why he's inexperienced...the first things come to mind are shyness and anxiety in approaching women.

 

That being said, the fact that he's inexperienced means that he'll most likely make a lot of mistakes when pursuing a relationship, and he won't realize the mistakes behind his actions until they all backfire and he has time to reflect on why they did. In this case, you're doing the right thing in breaking things off with him, because otherwise he won't realize the errors in his ways. And you have to tell him that he's smothering you because otherwise he won't know what the deal is, and he'll fail to realize his mistakes.

 

I don't know the guy's background, so I can't claim to know exactly why he's behaving the way he is (maybe he does have a genuine issue with clinginess), but I have a feeling it's similar to what I personally experienced a while back when I was trying to pursue a girl (oddly enough, I also knew her from work). I was also inexperienced in relationships (and still am to an extent) and I ended up smothering the girl as well, although at the time I had not clue that I was doing it. Even though all the signs were there that she was pulling away, I just kept pushing and pushing trying to get her to be with me. Texts, calls, unwarranted presents, writing cards and little poems...you name it, I did all of it. And guess what...I had no idea that I was digging myself a bigger hole. I was so focused on my own needs and desires and fear that she would leave me, that I completely failed to recognize what she was feeling and how she was acting and her own needs in response. It all collapsed on me when she finally had enough and told me that I was smothering her, and threatened to block me. It was a wakeup call.

 

Of course, I went through all the emotions afterwards...sadness, anger, depression, etc. I couldn't understand what I did wrong, I blamed her, made myself the victim, talked people's ears off about it (probably lost some friends because they got tired of me talking about it)...but it was all necessary because ultimately it taught me what I did wrong, and now I know better.

 

It's not a question of him needing to learn how to be alone...at age 35 he probably already knows what it's like to be alone. Instead, what he needs to learn is what NOT to do when approaching a new relationship, and the only way he will is if this fails. If he manages to cope with the aftermath and acknowledges his errors, he'll ultimately be better equipped for the next potential relationship. And hopefully, someone down the line will give him another chance and not consider his lack of relationship experience to be a red flag.

[GemmaUK]

I think it's a little unfair to immediately say it's a red flag if someone doesn't have a lot of relationship/sex experience--it makes it sound like they're toxic material to be avoided at all costs, which doesn't do the person any good if they eventually do want to get relationship experience. It's like the first job out of college conundrum--employers won't hire you because you lack experience, but you lack experience because employers won't hire you. How are you supposed to break out of that cycle? Someone at some point has to give you a chance. After all, lack of experience doesn't necessarily mean that you would be a bad employee, much like I think a lack of experience with relationships doesn't necessarily translate into being a bad partner. Everyone needs to start somewhere, and there could be a variety of reasons why he's inexperienced...the first things come to mind are shyness and anxiety in approaching women.

 

That being said, the fact that he's inexperienced means that he'll most likely make a lot of mistakes when pursuing a relationship, and he won't realize the mistakes behind his actions until they all backfire and he has time to reflect on why they did. In this case, you're doing the right thing in breaking things off with him, because otherwise he won't realize the errors in his ways. And you have to tell him that he's smothering you because otherwise he won't know what the deal is, and he'll fail to realize his mistakes.

 

I don't know the guy's background, so I can't claim to know exactly why he's behaving the way he is (maybe he does have a genuine issue with clinginess), but I have a feeling it's similar to what I personally experienced a while back when I was trying to pursue a girl (oddly enough, I also knew her from work). I was also inexperienced in relationships (and still am to an extent) and I ended up smothering the girl as well, although at the time I had not clue that I was doing it. Even though all the signs were there that she was pulling away, I just kept pushing and pushing trying to get her to be with me. Texts, calls, unwarranted presents, writing cards and little poems...you name it, I did all of it. And guess what...I had no idea that I was digging myself a bigger hole. I was so focused on my own needs and desires and fear that she would leave me, that I completely failed to recognize what she was feeling and how she was acting and her own needs in response. It all collapsed on me when she finally had enough and told me that I was smothering her, and threatened to block me. It was a wakeup call.

 

Of course, I went through all the emotions afterwards...sadness, anger, depression, etc. I couldn't understand what I did wrong, I blamed her, made myself the victim, talked people's ears off about it (probably lost some friends because they got tired of me talking about it)...but it was all necessary because ultimately it taught me what I did wrong, and now I know better.

 

It's not a question of him needing to learn how to be alone...at age 35 he probably already knows what it's like to be alone. Instead, what he needs to learn is what NOT to do when approaching a new relationship, and the only way he will is if this fails. If he manages to cope with the aftermath and acknowledges his errors, he'll ultimately be better equipped for the next potential relationship. And hopefully, someone down the line will give him another chance and not consider his lack of relationship experience to be a red flag.

 

And it is his responsibility to look after himself and his own happiness.

No one else's. Just the same as it is for all of the rest of us.

[Sweetnothing]

And it is his responsibility to look after himself and his own happiness.

No one else's. Just the same as it is for all of the rest of us.

 

Right.

 

This guy should take being repeatedly dumped as a hint that perhaps HE is the problem.

 

I'm not trying to sound cold by saying his inexperience is a red flag. I feel for this dude. He clearly doesn't get it. He probably hears women whining that their man doesn't put in any effort and so he thinks he can avoid all that by spending $200 on gifts. It wasn't a mean gesture. He just wanted to control the outcome by being overly nice. The fact is, he doesn't have relationship experience because he refuses to learn from the experience of being dumped.

[GemmaUK]

Right.

 

This guy should take being repeatedly dumped as a hint that perhaps HE is the problem.

 

I'm not trying to sound cold by saying his inexperience is a red flag. I feel for this dude. He clearly doesn't get it. He probably hears women whining that their man doesn't put in any effort and so he thinks he can avoid all that by spending $200 on gifts. It wasn't a mean gesture. He just wanted to control the outcome by being overly nice. The fact is, he doesn't have relationship experience because he refuses to learn from the experience of being dumped.

 

And if you don't look at yourself when you are the common denominator..you will never get anywhere. Heck! Even if you weren't the common denominator! I wasn't in my last relationship but I still learned from it!

Problem is with this guy that he got somewhere this time..he pushed things when the OP wasn't 'with it'. That's not on.

I envisage a lot of 'woe is me' on the way from him.

He will only be looking at him being the 'nice guy'..

[Marks]

And it is his responsibility to look after himself and his own happiness.

No one else's. Just the same as it is for all of the rest of us.

 

Absolutely, I'm not disputing that. All I'm saying is I don't think it's fair to discount someone just because they are awkward or whatever because they lack relationship experience at a later age. Obviously in this situation things have gotten way beyond mere awkwardness, so it's a moot point. And I'm not saying the OP should continue dating the guy...but let's not immediately jump to the conclusion that a guy is undateable just because he hasn't been in a relationship yet. Does he need to learn a few things still? Absolutely. Is he absolutely undateable? For my sake, I hope not.

 

And if you don't look at yourself when you are the common denominator..you will never get anywhere. Heck! Even if you weren't the common denominator! I wasn't in my last relationship but I still learned from it!

Problem is with this guy that he got somewhere this time..he pushed things when the OP wasn't 'with it'. That's not on.

I envisage a lot of 'woe is me' on the way from him.

He will only be looking at him being the 'nice guy'..

 

Agree...this is all assuming that the guy will have enough ability to figure out where he went wrong and learn from his mistakes. But, just like you said that it's his responsibility to look out for himself, the same goes for the OP. If she's not comfortable with the situation then she needs to cut the chord. Otherwise if his actions keep getting him somewhere, he'll never get the opportunity to realize what he's doing wrong, and she's going to have to continue enduring his advances.

 

And of course there's going to be a lot of "woe is me" from him...that's to be expected. The question is whether he'll be able to get beyond that and realize that it was in fact his own actions that pushed her away. Only time will tell.