BC1980 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 What I'm much more concerned about is the way you phrased the breakup as a time of space between you two. You really have to get out of that mindset because you won't move on. I'm will to bet that you are concerned with how age sees your actions when she comes over as opposed to what is best for you. When people break up, they are usually completely done at that point. You've got to treat this as final abc get her stuff out of your house.
BC1980 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 I will add that NC is one of the most important things you can do to move on and accept what has happened. I know it sucks, and you are in the early days. Better to vent on here than contact her.
Author Soulstep Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 I know it would probably be better to just see this as a final farewell. Reality of it is, she did not break up with me to be with someone else. She did not break up with me because there were problems in our relationship. She genuinely loved our relationship, and expressed concern that she didn't know if this was the right move or not. She simply feels that she needs to experience being single for a while. Figure out who she is outside of a relationship. Perhaps at some point I will be able to see this as a final farewell, but right now I can tell you that it is impossible. Many people will see this as a weakness. I've read other posts where people say "man up" and get over it. To me, that's complete BS. When you have something so good, so perfect, it's worth fighting for. I've never been a fighter for relationships before, but this one was so perfect that I'll fight no matter how that looks. If "fighting" means "giving her space", then that's what I'm going to do right now. At some point down the line I'm sure I'll become more impartial to the outcome, and if she hasn't contacted me at that point then I will contact her. See where things are at. In the meantime, if a miracle happens and brings another woman into my life, I won't turn that away. But I seriously don't see that happening in the foreseeable future. Especially because I am not looking for that (and won't be ready to for quite some time). For now, I am keeping NC. Sometimes it's a real struggle, but I know it's for the greater good, and that gives me strength.
BC1980 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 I know it would probably be better to just see this as a final farewell. Reality of it is, she did not break up with me to be with someone else. She did not break up with me because there were problems in our relationship. She genuinely loved our relationship, and expressed concern that she didn't know if this was the right move or not. She simply feels that she needs to experience being single for a while. Figure out who she is outside of a relationship. Perhaps at some point I will be able to see this as a final farewell, but right now I can tell you that it is impossible. Many people will see this as a weakness. I've read other posts where people say "man up" and get over it. To me, that's complete BS. When you have something so good, so perfect, it's worth fighting for. I've never been a fighter for relationships before, but this one was so perfect that I'll fight no matter how that looks. If "fighting" means "giving her space", then that's what I'm going to do right now. At some point down the line I'm sure I'll become more impartial to the outcome, and if she hasn't contacted me at that point then I will contact her. See where things are at. In the meantime, if a miracle happens and brings another woman into my life, I won't turn that away. But I seriously don't see that happening in the foreseeable future. Especially because I am not looking for that (and won't be ready to for quite some time). For now, I am keeping NC. Sometimes it's a real struggle, but I know it's for the greater good, and that gives me strength. You remind me a lot of myself right after my breakup. I thought what I had was so perfect, and I was going to give him space so he would come back to me. The reality is that our exes don't see the relationship in the same way that we do. That truth was something that I had a very difficult time reconciling, and it became a stumbling block for a long time. Fighting for an ex is essentially a losing battle because you are fighting for something that no longer exists. The other person elected to leave the relationship. I know that it seems unfathomable that you will never see your ex again or that you will never be with her again. That is what so many dumpees have a problem accepting, and it ends up delaying the fact that you have to go through the grief anyway. I can't tell you how many times I would bargain my way into a friendship with my ex because I just couldn't imagine never talking to him again. He really wanted to be friends, so I had to toughen up big time. I had to starting fighting for myself, and a big part of that was accepting that he had opted out of the relationship for whatever his reasons were. I went NC, and everyday I would reinforce that this was over and we wouldn't speak again. I still do that, and it hurts a lot of the time. But I know that I have to process the grief and feel the feelings. The best thing for you to do right now is to somehow get her to come get her things from your house ASAP. That needs to be taken care of immediately after the breakup. Is there a scheduled time for her to come get her things? 1
legion113 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 I agree with BC1980. Manning up or getting over it isn't the "bull****", what's bull**** is people describing their relationships as so perfect blah blah blah..if it was, you'd still be together. It was perfect for you, it obviously wasn't perfect for her. She can use any excuse she wants, if a relationship was perfect, she wouldn't "need" to try being single for awhile. Obviously, it wasn't perfect from her point of view. Cut to the chase, she would rather be alone, than be with you. You remind me a lot of myself right after my breakup. I thought what I had was so perfect, and I was going to give him space so he would come back to me. The reality is that our exes don't see the relationship in the same way that we do. That truth was something that I had a very difficult time reconciling, and it became a stumbling block for a long time. Fighting for an ex is essentially a losing battle because you are fighting for something that no longer exists. The other person elected to leave the relationship. I know that it seems unfathomable that you will never see your ex again or that you will never be with her again. That is what so many dumpees have a problem accepting, and it ends up delaying the fact that you have to go through the grief anyway. I can't tell you how many times I would bargain my way into a friendship with my ex because I just couldn't imagine never talking to him again. He really wanted to be friends, so I had to toughen up big time. I had to starting fighting for myself, and a big part of that was accepting that he had opted out of the relationship for whatever his reasons were. I went NC, and everyday I would reinforce that this was over and we wouldn't speak again. I still do that, and it hurts a lot of the time. But I know that I have to process the grief and feel the feelings. The best thing for you to do right now is to somehow get her to come get her things from your house ASAP. That needs to be taken care of immediately after the breakup. Is there a scheduled time for her to come get her things?
Author Soulstep Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 BC, she is coming next weekend to get her things. That's the soonest possible for her. I think I'll take a bit of a break from these forums. People like Legion will crop up and make an ass of themselves. Which is not helpful in any situation. Thanks to all who have given me some good advice, I will heed it. All the best to those still struggling with their own breakups. I will update this thread if I feel it is necessary.
BC1980 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 BC, she is coming next weekend to get her things. That's the soonest possible for her. I think I'll take a bit of a break from these forums. People like Legion will crop up and make an ass of themselves. Which is not helpful in any situation. Thanks to all who have given me some good advice, I will heed it. All the best to those still struggling with their own breakups. I will update this thread if I feel it is necessary. It's only been a week, so you are in deep denial at this point. I've been there myself, and the view isn't pretty. We really just want to help you. Legion speaks the truth. I actually used to tell myself the same thing. My ex would rather be alone than with me. It's a hard truth to accept, but, ultimately, you have to come to terms with many difficult truths along the way. The key is not to judge yourself as unworthy or a bad person because your ex doesn't want to be with you. In the end, the truth is what it is, regardless of the reasons. I hope you keep posting because it was (and still is) a great help for me in navigating this journey. You often need objective advice, and your family and friends can only take so much. It's also extremely helpful to read others stories and therapeutic to offer your own advice one day.
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