Soulstep Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 On Monday my girlfriend broke up with me. We had been together for nearly two years, living together for the last 9 months. Since the breakup I've been reading a number of forums and reading up on this "G.I.G.S." I think I have a pretty good understanding of it, and I believe that this is what she is going through right now. Not that she is looking for a new relationship, but she feels she wants to be single. To figure herself out on her own. Throughout our relationship we have talked about the possibility of marriage and kids down the road. It has always been an open topic, and we have both really wanted this. She's in her first year of college, and I currently have a BA in Psychology, but am planning on going back to school this fall (assuming I'm accepted). We both wanted to wait until we were both finished school before we married, so there was no pressure for this to happen anytime soon. This semester in college she started making a few new friends. One in particular who liked to go to clubs and party hard. Neither my ex nor I were in to partying. I have gone to a couple of clubs and never enjoyed it, and she had expressed no interest in going even though she had never been. About a month ago she decided she wanted to go and try it out. Long story short, she enjoyed it and I didn't. She wanted to keep going, and I was not comfortable with it. I know what guys are like, especially the majority of the male population who attend clubs. She went again last weekend, for the second time, and this time without me. Again, long story short: she made some mistakes at the club and came back regretting her decision to go. We talked about things, and I was willing to forgive her for her transgressions (She did not kiss or go any further than that, but still some unacceptable behaviour as a woman in a relationship). After I thought we had made it through this situation, and were in a good place, we went out for a fancy dinner and movie Monday night. When we got home, and crawled into bed, she started crying and ended up breaking up. Perhaps I'm telling you all this information to get it out. I've talked with my family a bit about it, and my closest friends, but writing it seems to be helping. About a week ago, I decided I was going to build a tropical aquarium. We both have talked about it for a long time, but until now it never fit in the finances. We planted the aquarium together, and were going to get fish this week. Yesterday (wednesday) we ended up hanging out together a bit (she needed to come get her laptop charger, and ended up staying for a few hours). She said she wanted to still come with me and pick out some fish. We picked up some, put them in and had a good time about it. She offered to come with me whenever I wanted to go get a few more (it's a slow process of adding a few fish at a time). Yesterday was amazing and incredibly hard, as many of you can imagine. Amazing to be with her, seeing her face, speaking to her. But incredibly difficult to do all of that while knowing we were not together anymore and trying to keep it all platonic. We had an amazing relationship while we were together, with very few arguments. We were compatible on almost every level. Shared many interests, though we still had enough differences that kept things interesting. I've known a lot of women in my life, and I've never known one like her. I am not ignorant enough to say that she was the only woman for me. I realize that I will find another one at some point. But I hold onto hope that some point in the future she will get through this phase and be ready to recommit herself to me. After yesterday, I told her that we both need some space apart with little to no contact. I told her I would not initiate anything, but if she wanted to talk that my phone is always on. I figure this will give us both some real time apart to get our heads a little straighter. My ultimate question is just this: do you think it will help or hinder us to try and build a friendship of sorts from the wreckage? Not a friendship with benefits of any kind. My vision of how this would start would just be going and picking up some fish together, once a week or maybe once every two weeks. Would this help as a reminder of what we once had and maybe help her come to realize what she's missing out on? Or would this desensitize her to her loss and keep us apart? I want what's best for her in the long run, and so I do not plan on putting any pressure for us to get back together. I want to make the right decisions, but I need help with some of them. Thanks to those who spent the time to read all of this, and even more thanks to those who decide to respond. If you require any more information, don't hesitate to ask.
BC1980 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I would not recommend friendship at this point. You need to be complete NC. You will suffer emotionally from a supposed friendship, and it's not going to work to make her want you back. I tried something similar and ended up heartbroken to an even deeper degree than before. It's just not going to be like building an organic friendship, and you can't be friends with someone when you want more. You obviously want more though you don't fully admit it. It's interesting that you say you want what's best for her. What about you?
Almond_Joy Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 You both sound mature and self aware enough to maintain boundaries in a plutonic friendship should you decide to pursue one. But I also think that watching her explore her individuality while wanting to be with her will be very painful for you. And if she comes out of this exploration phase wanting someone else romantically, continuing the friendship may become problematic or limited in scope as she develops the new romantic relationship. I would suggest that since you just broke up, take a few months at least to be completely out of each other's lives and process the end of that relationship. After that time then talk to her about becoming friends.
CaliBabe Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I would not recommend friendship. Friendship = friend zoned = no romantic relationship. 2
rubberman Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 as some posters above me are saying, being friends will not help you heal. It will just be a constant reminder of her, and right now NC would be the best option. Perhaps in the future if its meant to be, trying to be friends might be a option.
Allumere Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 If the friendship is only grown with the expectation of it becoming more, verses the intention of really being friends then no, no-way, never, forget about it.
Author Soulstep Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) You are right when you are right... Sounds unanimous, and what has been said makes sense. I guess I don't have to be happy about it. But perhaps it will make things easier in the long run. It's interesting that you say you want what's best for her. What about you? I can honestly say, with a straight head, that what I want the most is to have her back in my life. She is the only woman I've ever met who I am willing to go to the ends of the earth and back again for her, no matter the pain it causes me. I've always put myself second to the needs of others, but with her it is at a whole different level. She is worth any pain in the moment, because I know her value and I know who she can become. There have been so many times where she has gone above and beyond all expectations in the relationship. I know that if I suffer for a short while now, the long run will be infinitely more rewarding. And if she comes out of this exploration phase wanting someone else romantically, continuing the friendship may become problematic or limited in scope as she develops the new romantic relationship.This makes a lot of sense to me. I know I would not appreciate it if my significant other was in a friendship with an ex, and so I would not want to do that to someone else. Not to mention the pain that would cause me. If the friendship is only grown with the expectation of it becoming more, verses the intention of really being friends then no, no-way, never, forget about it. I see your point. And I don't disagree. So... No buying fish together. No contact. ****. Edit: It sounds so pathetic that I talk about buying fish together... You don't really notice something like that until reading it after it's been posted. Edited March 20, 2014 by Soulstep
KaliLove Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 99.999% of the time, the answer to this question is no. In your case..it's still no.
Author Soulstep Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 OK. I took that step. I finally changed my facebook relationship status, unfollowed all her friends/family and put her on the restricted list. I also sent her this text: "I just want you to know something. I changed my relationship status, and ufollowed you and your family on facebook. I was also recommended to put you on a 'restricted' list. I want you to know that I am not doing this to push you away. This is just to create some distance so healing can occur. After lots of thought, I think we need to extend our 'no contact'. I think having little to no contact for a good while will be healthy for both of us. Obviously we will have to converse occasionally (dress, snake, moving furniture, etc). also, I think I have to retract my offer to take care of your snake after you move everything. Please take it with you. I also think you should get your own netflix account, or find another one to use. This will just help both of us not see what eachother are watching. Not that I have anything to hide, or think you do, but seeing movies or shows pop up that I haven't seen is just another reminder. Same for you. I want to reitterate this: I harbour no resentment for you. I am not made or angry with you for anything. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. And if you being happy requires me to let you go then I will do that. Down the road, if you ever feel like you want to revisit our relationship then I encourage you to get in touch with me. I know you want to experience being single and figuring yourself out, so I am giving you that opportunity. I will always cherish our time together and all of the memories we made." Too much? What do you guys think? It was a very difficult thing to do... But I think you are all right that we need that time with no contact.
BC1980 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I personally don't feel that you owed her that much of an explanation, but you must stay NC now. It's a credibility issue now. I know how hard it is, but don't respond when she says something back. Just trust us when we say this is the way to go. I tried to be friends with my ex at first because I didn't want to loose him completely. It's bargaining, and it's just the unfortunate truth that you usually don't remain friends. If you did, it would be really I satisfying for you. There situations are usually monumentally stacked agsinst you.
Mariposa10 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I think it's ok that you sent her that text/message. However, I did hate how you asked her to pretty much contact you when she was ready to be with you again. But I don't judge you because I did something like that when my ex and I broke up. Now she's gonna picture you waiting for her... And that's not very attractive to be honest. This is gonna be hard, so get yourself ready for this. Like BC said if she responds to that message, please do not reply back, you already said you'd be waiting for her. She seems to be confused, you don't want to be around confused people when you're in love with them. It's like living in hell and getting your heart smashed against the wall. Good luck, and we're all here for you!
Almond_Joy Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 OK. I took that step. I finally changed my facebook relationship status, unfollowed all her friends/family and put her on the restricted list. I also sent her this text: "I just want you to know something. I changed my relationship status, and ufollowed you and your family on facebook. I was also recommended to put you on a 'restricted' list. I want you to know that I am not doing this to push you away. This is just to create some distance so healing can occur. After lots of thought, I think we need to extend our 'no contact'. I think having little to no contact for a good while will be healthy for both of us. Obviously we will have to converse occasionally (dress, snake, moving furniture, etc). also, I think I have to retract my offer to take care of your snake after you move everything. Please take it with you. I also think you should get your own netflix account, or find another one to use. This will just help both of us not see what eachother are watching. Not that I have anything to hide, or think you do, but seeing movies or shows pop up that I haven't seen is just another reminder. Same for you. I want to reitterate this: I harbour no resentment for you. I am not made or angry with you for anything. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. And if you being happy requires me to let you go then I will do that. Down the road, if you ever feel like you want to revisit our relationship then I encourage you to get in touch with me. I know you want to experience being single and figuring yourself out, so I am giving you that opportunity. I will always cherish our time together and all of the memories we made." Too much? What do you guys think? It was a very difficult thing to do... But I think you are all right that we need that time with no contact. Considering how fresh this all is, that's a pretty clean cut. Nice job. I agree with BC that your credibility's on the line now that you've done this, which is a good motivator to stay NC. Good luck with the rest of your recovery . 1
Author Soulstep Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Thanks all for the responses and support. This is really tough, but each day it gets a little easier. I know I can be strong when I need to be. And I know that NC will be best for both of us, no matter the outcome. She's always been a very smart and straightforward girl. Never played games with me, or anyone that I've ever seen. She's very forgiving and always willing to get someone a second (and sometimes third!) chance when they screw up. For some women I would be worried about including that part about if she is ready she can contact me, but I know that she won't see that as weakness. She knows that I will move on sooner or later, that I can't and wont wait for her forever. But she has also suffered from lack of self-esteem. It's improved drastically since we started dating, but I think that by leaving it on that note she will be less likely to see herself as unworthy if she decided she wants to reconcile. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm a pretty smart fellow. And I know her very well.
somegoodman Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Always a bad idea to leave the door open when they dump you. What you're communicating to her by doing this is that you don't have much self respect and are so devoid of options that you would gladly take her back even after she threw you out. Also, sending verbose texts and letters is a fool's game. No matter what message you think you're trying to convey, it will always look like pursuit to her. Can't tell you how many girls I've been with that have lockboxes filled to the brim with desperate letters from their broken-hearted ex-boyfriends. They hold on to them so they can go back and get a dose of validation every now and then. Don't be one of those guys.
Author Soulstep Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Always a bad idea to leave the door open when they dump you. What you're communicating to her by doing this is that you don't have much self respect and are so devoid of options that you would gladly take her back even after she threw you out. Also, sending verbose texts and letters is a fool's game. No matter what message you think you're trying to convey, it will always look like pursuit to her. Can't tell you how many girls I've been with that have lockboxes filled to the brim with desperate letters from their broken-hearted ex-boyfriends. They hold on to them so they can go back and get a dose of validation every now and then. Don't be one of those guys. At least I can see when someone is wrong. Unfortunately for you, in this situation it's you. I have lots of self respect and self worth. I am very happy with who I am in life and where I am going. I had lots of time being single before her and I started dating, and it allowed me to really figure out who I am and what I want in life. I am not devoid of options, as I said earlier I am not naive enough to think that there is no one else out there for me. She is not oblivious to my self-worth and self-esteem. She's never kept a lockbox or any form of keepsake from any of her ex-boyfriends. Considering I've lived with her for 9 months in a small little house, I'm sure I would have found something during that period. She never kept in contact with any of her exes, and never kept them on facebook. Sorry bro, but you are grossly wrong in this situation. I'm sure in many situations you would be correct, but you have to remember that every situation is different. There is not cookie cutter method to this kind of thing (excluding the NC idea).
BC1980 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 At least I can see when someone is wrong. Unfortunately for you, in this situation it's you. I have lots of self respect and self worth. I am very happy with who I am in life and where I am going. I had lots of time being single before her and I started dating, and it allowed me to really figure out who I am and what I want in life. I am not devoid of options, as I said earlier I am not naive enough to think that there is no one else out there for me. She is not oblivious to my self-worth and self-esteem. She's never kept a lockbox or any form of keepsake from any of her ex-boyfriends. Considering I've lived with her for 9 months in a small little house, I'm sure I would have found something during that period. She never kept in contact with any of her exes, and never kept them on facebook. Sorry bro, but you are grossly wrong in this situation. I'm sure in many situations you would be correct, but you have to remember that every situation is different. There is not cookie cutter method to this kind of thing (excluding the NC idea). Most of our exes don't plot out evil ways to get validation from us, but, subconsciously, it is an ego boost to get the message that you sent to her. It just is no matter how good of a person she is. Also remember that remaining friends with an ex, for the dumper, relieves an awful lot of the guilt they are experiencing. You have to realize that you are not emotionally in the same place as her. You gave her a tremendous ego boost with that message due to simple human nature. I was in the same place as you, but I can see clearly now that I'm almost a year removed from my breakup. Most situations are so similar that it's uncanny.
BC1980 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Thanks all for the responses and support. This is really tough, but each day it gets a little easier. I know I can be strong when I need to be. And I know that NC will be best for both of us, no matter the outcome. Be careful. You are on a high right now since you just started NC. Get ready for it to get rough. It took me a few tries because my ex was like yours, just so eager for friendship. Those are usually the worst types of exes because you have to toughen up big time to combat them.
Author Soulstep Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Be careful. You are on a high right now since you just started NC. Get ready for it to get rough. It took me a few tries because my ex was like yours, just so eager for friendship. Those are usually the worst types of exes because you have to toughen up big time to combat them. Oh I know there will be rough times. I'll be sure to keep this post updated as things happen.
BC1980 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Keep us updated. It's really hard, but we will talk you out of contacting when the time comes.
Author Soulstep Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Makes it so much worse that I haven't been able to eat since the breakup. My stomach has felt so sick, and I just throw up anything I ingest. It actually started a few hours before the breakup, but hasn't relented. All I can hold down are Ritz crackers and gingerale :/
BC1980 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 I had legitimate anxiety and couldn't eat anything. I felt sick all the time and would drink a lot of Mountain Dew, which made it worse. I couldn't concentrate at work. I had insomnia. It's all normal at this point. I've always been accused of being too laid back, so it was pretty bizarre to go through all of that. I'm sorry to say that for me, it got worse before it got better. The worst was months later because you truly accept it. It's overwhelming sadness. I'm really sorry you are going through this.
Author Soulstep Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 (edited) She just came by for a couple of minutes. She's moving all of her things out next weekend, but had to grab something really quick. I knew she was coming, but didn't know exactly when and I didn't want to be away from home all day just to avoid a couple minutes with her. I acted cheerful, and was very pleasant/polite. She asked how I was, and I replied "I'm alright", but cheerfully. She said she was the same. When she left, she told me to have a great evening, and I told her to have a good time at work (which was where she is now headed). Tough seeing her again, and not being able to hold her. But I'm OK. I know that space is the best thing for both of us, and I won't do anything to jeopardize that at this point. Edit: I just received a phone call from her younger brother... He was staying with us briefly before we broke up. He told me to check the freezer, that he had left me an Easter present. Sure enough, I found a little chocolate bunny tucked away. Not only am I missing out on her, but I am also missing out on a pretty amazing in-law family. Edited March 21, 2014 by Soulstep
Author Soulstep Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 I hope the way I acted with/around her was positive. I hope someone can shed some light on what I did right or wrong today. Don't bother telling me off for being home when she came by for a couple minutes. There are likely going to be times in the future where we run into each other, and I figure it's best to be civil and pleasant than to be distant/upset/etc.
Author Soulstep Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 Tough night last night. Went out to see the new 300 with a couple guy friends. Boy that was a mistake. I figured getting me out of the house would take my mind off things, but all I could do while watching the movie was think of her. Ups and downs.
BC1980 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 I hope the way I acted with/around her was positive. I hope someone can shed some light on what I did right or wrong today. Don't bother telling me off for being home when she came by for a couple minutes. There are likely going to be times in the future where we run into each other, and I figure it's best to be civil and pleasant than to be distant/upset/etc. You can't really control when she comes to get her things, so no one is going to bash you for that. I would, however, suggest that you not be at the house if at all possible. You aren't in the right emotional state to be able to handle seeing her right now. You really just need to be civil in these situations, and don't get into small talk at all. That's why it's better if you are not there when she moves out.
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