camillerose Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I dated a guy for a couple of months a few months ago. He seemed to be really into me and I let him pursue me at first. I felt chemistry and thought we had a lot in common. He made a huge effort with me, and was very sweet, affectionate, gentlemanly... Once we became intimate (we didn't rush!) however I got emotionally attached (as women do) and he must have sensed it and pull back.. maybe I came on a little bit strong but I thought he was into me. He was contacting me less, and when I asked him about it he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. I felt confused and led on, and so I told him I would like to take things slow too but I didn't hear back from him. I don't know if I scared him off or he just lost interest. Some time has passed now and I've dated other guys but I have an event coming up which I know this previous guy would love to go to. I get that he's not into me anymore otherwise I would have heard from him by now, but I wonder if it would be weird if I ask him if he wanted to go with me as friends? I feel like we got on well enough that we could forget about what happened, and just have a nice time together as friends. But I don't want to ask him if he will think it's mad/desperate that I am suddenly contacting him now. So guys, what would you think if a girl you dated did this?
Gaeta Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 What would be the purpose of doing this? Are you running out of friends so you need to reach to an ex? and an ex who tried to fade on you instead of coming clean with you. 3
Leigh 87 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Very rarely will a normal, healthy individual with adequate levels of empathy and love to live a woman, " not be ready" for a relationship with a woman who he is smitten with. There are exceptions such as being fresh out of a divorce or fresh out of any sort of a break up. Significant family dramas and massive financial strain and generally problems that are "massive" and on a large scale, do SOMETIMES come into play. WAY more often than not though, " I am not ready for a relationship" means " I would jump at the chance to be with a woman I was crazy about, but I am not that into YOU and therefore the thought of a relationship with you is not a pleasant or ideal one" So yeah. Don't take him because your history will make for a weird dynamic as "friends". Worse still, if he is single he may push for sex without commitment (obviously). Even WORSE still, if he declines or has a partner you may feel a tad cold (knowing he found a girl he liked enough to have a relationship with yet you weren't good enough in his eyes). Have fun going solo, please! Have a good time and look forward to encountering a guy who is nuts about you and would be DYING to have a relationship with you! 4
TXGuy Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Many guys, myself included, would assume it is an invitation for a hookup. That is fine, if is what you want or would be ok with. But, if that is not something you want, I wouldn't ask. 2
HappyLove Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Not a guy here but why would you want to be friends with some guy who played you?! 7
soccerrprp Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 So guys, what would you think if a girl you dated did this? That you're still interested in me and not only as "friends." 2
Emilia Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I feel like we got on well enough that we could forget about what happened, and just have a nice time together as friends. But I don't want to ask him if he will think it's mad/desperate that I am suddenly contacting him now. So guys, what would you think if a girl you dated did this? Don't kid yourself and don't be so weak. He rejected you, remember that. He doesn't deserve your 'friendship' 4
Leigh 87 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 That you're still interested in me and not only as "friends." Precisely why he will see it as an invitation to hook up. He faded on you because he wasn't interested enough. Why would you want to be friends with a guy you barely knew and who was too rude to break things off with you? It wouldn't make sense to him if you said that you merely wanted a strictly platonic friendship; where are her current friends, is she a bit of a nigel (no friends) he would lament. Sadly, some women overlook fundamental things at play, such as the fact he showed you LOUD and CLEAR that he was not into you enough to want a relationship. So you think showing up to an event with him looking lovely will somehow make him be really into you:lmao: On some level that is what you want ^^^^ to re live some of the nice times and you surely wouldn't decline if he took things further physically. I mean what, are you expecting him to actually commit to you if he hooks up? He didn't the first time around? He won't suddenly realise how marvellous and fantastic you are now? Um yeah, so just know that guys in this situation expect a hook up if an old flame they rejected asks them to "hang". Every time virtually, unless you are huge intellectuals and have some rad, nerd speak thing going on whereby you both value each others intellectual connection too much to go without it. 2
Author camillerose Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) Haha thanks for the responses... I know its sounds a bit mad. He had actually just come out of a relationship which was the reason for not wanting to rush into another one. I don't think he played me, he's not a player type, I think it all just became a bit much too soon. And its not that I don't have other friends! Its just I don't know anyone else who would be interested in going, and he had told me before he would love to go and if I went without him he would be really jealous. I don't know anyone who would want to go as much as him. And I would NOT hook up with him, no way. This was just two people have something in common having a nice time. I don't hate him, and I don't have any bad feelings towards him. I get what happened with us, I guess its a way of me saying I'm ok with things just incase there is a part of him that feels bad about what happened but was too scared to reach out. Edited March 20, 2014 by camillerose
Emilia Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Haha thanks for the responses... I know its sounds a bit mad. He had actually just come out of a relationship which was the reason for not wanting to rush into another one. I don't think he played me, he's not a player type, I think it all just became a bit much too soon. And its not that I don't have other friends! Its just I don't know anyone else who would be interested in going, and he had told me before he would love to go and if I went without him he would be really jealous. I don't know anyone who would want to go as much as him. I don't hate him, and I don't have any bad feelings towards him. I get what happened wish us, I guess its a way of me saying I'm ok with things just incase there is a part of him that feels bad about what happened but was too scared to reach out. Look OP, you are obviously a very good, decent woman. However, he made the decision not to be in a relationship with you. He had the choice of not having sex with you and not get you attached but instead went ahead selfishly with his wants and needs. Which is what most people in life do. He probably isn't a really bad guy, just someone that doesn't care all that much, he just disappeared by the sound of it. I'm sorry that you are lonely and not finding the right person but you have to keep looking. He isn't the one in any shape or form. Besides, surely he would have contacted you otherwise. Let it go. Please. 2
Leigh 87 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Haha thanks for the responses... I know its sounds a bit mad. He had actually just come out of a relationship which was the reason for not wanting to rush into another one. I don't think he played me, he's not a player type, I think it all just became a bit much too soon. And its not that I don't have other friends! Its just I don't know anyone else who would be interested in going, and he had told me before he would love to go and if I went without him he would be really jealous. I don't know anyone who would want to go as much as him. I don't hate him, and I don't have any bad feelings towards him. I get what happened wish us, I guess its a way of me saying I'm ok with things just incase there is a part of him that feels bad about what happened but was too scared to reach out. In my opinion, it opens up the door to too much potential heartbreak when he may want to get close to you again, only to revert back to his old disappearing ways. If you did get back together with him and ended up in a legitimate relationship, it would be an awful story to tell your kids; hey yeah, he left me and didn't quiet bother breaking up with my properly, and then he is only in my life again because I chased him Trust me; once feelings are involved, even to a small extent, things get messy very quickly and very easily, and always when you "think" you have it all under control.
Author camillerose Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 I know you are all right. I guess there was a small part of me that thought that maybe he's been wanting to reach out all this time but was too scared to incase I was mad at him, or incase I had met someone else... But I realise that chance is very small. He is quite shy, but then his shyness didn't stop him from pursuing me initially! 2
Emilia Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I know you are all right. I guess there was a small part of me that thought that maybe he's been wanting to reach out all this time but was too scared to incase I was mad at him, or incase I had met someone else... But I realise that chance is very small. He is quite shy, but then his shyness didn't stop him from pursuing me initially! Men aren't scared about things like that OP. I'm sorry I'm being tough with you but I want you to see the light. 1
Author camillerose Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Men aren't scared about things like that OP. I'm sorry I'm being tough with you but I want you to see the light. Not tough I do need to see the light... I know I need to keep telling myself that if he was interested he would contact me. Hopefully someone will appear in my life who will help me to forget him! 1
Emilia Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Not tough I do need to see the light... I know I need to keep telling myself that if he was interested he would contact me. Hopefully someone will appear in my life who will help me to forget him! I think it helps to recognise - it happens to all of us - that when it doesn't work out with someone, we have the need to be assured that we are worthy of that person's love and attention. To get their approval. He didn't treat you right. People shouldn't just disappear, whatever the reason. It's hard to accept that some are just selfish and that we didn't see it. However, you can't control others' behaviour and there are times when they let you down. Everyone experiences it. 3
soccerrprp Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 ...he's not a player type... If I had a dime just from LS members who said this about a TOTAL STRANGER i'd be rich. 3
carhill Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 So guys, what would you think if a girl you dated did this? Having the examples over the decades to draw upon, my first thought is 'they don't do random; there's always an objective; always a target' Then I would decide if the dating dynamic was worth revisiting. In your case, it was a bit beyond simple dating, as you had sexual relations. My instinct is that the young man, being apparently recently an 'ex', enjoyed the feelings of being attractive to another woman and feeling 'like a man' again by renewed sexual activity, in a sense validating his worth, especially if he self-identifies as 'shy' and his actions and social circle confirmed that. If he had reached out to you and the timing happened to coincide with the event, then I'd see that confluence as something worth considering. Otherwise, I'd invite a friend to go and leave the past in the past. Good luck! 1
Author camillerose Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 If he had reached out to you and the timing happened to coincide with the event, then I'd see that confluence as something worth considering. Otherwise, I'd invite a friend to go and leave the past in the past. Good luck! I don't see him reaching out to me now, and I thought this was a good excuse to reach out as we had talked about this event when we were dating, and said how we both wanted to go...I wouldn't want to reach out for any other random reason, ie. just to say hi how are you, etc... At least I have a reason and excuse here.. But everyone here is telling me not to do it, so I guess that is the right thing to do! 1
Emilia Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 But everyone here is telling me not to do it, so I guess that is the right thing to do! It's just your desire for oxytocine that's talking. We all want strong emotional ties with people. This is a good practice of self-control as well, you will need it in the future. I think it pays to learn how to engage your more rational side rather than give into your hormones - basically. 1
Author camillerose Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Yes I do tend to follow my feelings/heart rather than my head, which is why I came to this forum for advice. In the past when I have followed my heart (I am quite an emotional,gentle, loving person) I have regretted it for not being more proud! But now I am afraid I will regret being proud as it would be my only chance to reach out! But I don't want to come across as desperate or for him to look down on me for reaching out to him, so maybe if I focus on that it will help me not to reach out. 1
Emilia Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Yes I do tend to follow my feelings/heart rather than my head, which is why I came to this forum for advice. In the past when I have followed my heart (I am quite an emotional,gentle, loving person) I have regretted it for not being more proud! But now I am afraid I will regret being proud as it would be my only chance to reach out! Read this book, it's most excellent on how emotions work Meet Your Happy Chemicals: Dopamine, Endorphin, Oxytocin, Serotonin by Loretta Graziano Breuning ? Reviews, Discussion, Bookclubs, Lists 1
Author camillerose Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Read this book, it's most excellent on how emotions work Meet Your Happy Chemicals: Dopamine, Endorphin, Oxytocin, Serotonin by Loretta Graziano Breuning ? Reviews, Discussion, Bookclubs, Lists Wow thanks, looks very interesting! 1
StanMusial Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Not weird, but I wouldn't want you to call though.
Conners Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Don't do it OP. He got what he wanted from you. I'm sorry he was such a douche bag too 1
Author camillerose Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Thanks for all your replies, I made the decision not to invite him to the event. Posting on here was the right thing to do instead! However, I have one question. I don't get why you are all saying he's a douchebag / player... Am I just being naive or why can I not see he's this horrible guy that you guys say he is? He made a LOT of effort with me, more than any guy I've known.. he was also very nervous around me, took him 3 dates to pluck up the nerve to kiss me.. I had to go away on business for about a month, and he contacted me every day without fail, filling me in on his day, sending me pictures, sending looong messages, etc... Then after about 2 months is when we became intimate. We didn't discuss the relationship as we are both quite shy, and I was happy to just take things slow and see how things went... I was never 'looking' for a relationship per se, but i was keen to see where things went with him. But obviously I came on a bit too strong after sex, as I got confused about my feelings for him and got paranoid that he wasn't as interested in me, as he took a few days to contact me rather than contacting every day.... (although I read later that this is quite normal for a guy to process things after becoming close with a woman) So I think I pushed him away.
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