Question for FWW or anyone who has an answer

[dichotomy]

Thanks HPrynne...

 

I can see were those would be a major factor. I also know that right after D-Day that all of these things would totally be in the toilet for the BH. I don't know about others, however for myself expecting these traits from me would be like asking me to grow a foot taller.

 

I can see that your answers are honest, however I can also see that by not admitting to this it will prevent the BH from becoming that better or more attentive lover.

 

Thanks again for your honest answer. Anything more you think of please feel free to share it with me.

 

Look at which posts I "liked" for my agreements.

 

Don't assume you can't grow or change or improve yourself, your view and your behavior. Life is about growth and improvement. It is not necessarily about you completing changing your core being - but about adding layers to yourself and changing some views and how you interact.

 

You cite "better lover" ...honestly it is NOT always about some "move" in the bedroom,,,, but the attitude and behavior you establish with a woman ... before you enter the bedroom. Although certainly there are some good books and ideas for moves and sex acts you can read - but as mentioned it is about creating an environment, mood and expectation with a woman before hand for her to open up with a man.

 

Be the man your wife would have a torrid affair with...or perhaps be a man "any woman" with have a torrid affair with. Do this for you - and not your wife.

 

You need to focus on changing you - your wife will (or will not) follow - but thats not the point. Its about you.

 

PM me it you want reading materials.

Edited March 21, 2014 by dichotomy

[toolforgrowth]

Before this gender stereo typing goes too crazy I would like to remind you two bonding males that perspective and what you are looking for go a long ways in seeing bad behaviour. I have seen women belittle their men in groups. I am not denying it. Though individualy these women would not all do so. And I have hears men belittle their wives. Even though individually they may not do that. The group setting bashing can get out of hand. Peer pressure isn't just a teenage thing. So for every observation made about women husband bashing, men are bashing their wives.

 

Just as not all women do this. Not all men do either. And many who do do it, don't really mean it. It is just an expected norm. Not a good one but expected.

 

Just as many men are cheating as women. So infidelity isn't a one gender only problem. For every man (you two for example) who doesn't ver cheat, there is a woman who never cheats either.

 

You're right, men do this too. I'm not saying that this type of behavior is exclusive to women. All I can do is relate to my experiences, which have been how women do this. I've personally never gotten together with a group of men and bashed my partner, but one on one with certain select people I have done this. I think it's important for a person to have a safe person they can go to to express their frustrations about their partner, as long as that person knows they are (hopefully) good things that offset the bad. But really, the person who needs to hear these frustrations more than anyone is the partner themselves.

 

I also never said that cheating is exclusive to women. Men do cheat. But again, I can't relate to that because I'm a heterosexual male who doesn't cheat, and who also doesn't associate with men who do. My experience has limited me to an xW who cheated on me. That's enough for one lifetime.

 

I don't agree that it's an "expected norm". A person can easily choose to not do that. If a woman wouldn't want her husband bashing her behind her back, then she shouldn't be bashing him behind his back. I do not believe in double standards; everything is a two way street. If it's good enough for her, then it's good enough for me. It's very simple: don't do something you wouldn't want your partner to do. If you do, then you open the box that allows that same freedom to your partner.

[revelations]

Before this gender stereo typing goes too crazy I would like to remind you two bonding males

VLM:

That part of your statement gave me a good laugh. However your whole statement is correct. Likewise both men and women can tend to bash their spouses in a group while not doing that individually. I personally do not do these things, I have a tendency to avoid groups of people except for close friends. It is one thing to talk to a close friend about a problem that you are having, rather it be marriage or anything else. It is totally different to be complaining or berating your spouse to a group. Such things only serves to try and reinforce or build up an ego. However understand that I do not view cheating as one sided gender thing. I do understand that it goes both ways and I think it is horrible. However I am not trying to make a blanket statement about one gender on here. What I am trying to do is understand the thinking of a certain group of people in one gender. Remember that their are differences between men and women and not just in the plumbing, we do think and perceive things differently. I will admit that I did start this thread for selfish reasons, that is I want to be able to identify traits and avoid a certain group of women. Not saying that they are bad people or anything, just that they are people I do not wish to be with.

 

atreides:

I asked a question about a certain group of FWW for a reason. Anyone can change for the worse and become a cheater. In my case my work had me out of town a lot, so I missed the signs. I asked this question because their is more behind it, the personality trait has been their for a long time. If I wanted to fix my water pump on my car, I would not start by asking you how to rebuild the carburetor. Now were I am asking about FWW doing this, there are FWH that have done this very same thing. However the FWW's will have different reasons for doing that and justifying it than the FWH's do. Mind you that I don't discount that both may have similar reasons. Now one thing I will point out and that is this thread in no way implies that the BS has done something wrong. It does state that the reaction of the BS may not encourage the WS to respond like the BS wants. Hell let's face it, as a BH myself I did not react well when I found out and I am sure that my reaction did not encourage my XWW to want to jump my bones. However does this mean that the BH is at fault then for the XWW not wanting to bang her BH? Of course not, if she had not been cheating then the BH would not have that reaction. This subject I have brought up is not about identifying a trait of a cheater. It has to do with identifying traits of a certain group of cheaters. These traits will have been with these people for a long time. Usually any WS will not go out and cheat, do all sorts of kinky things then come back and tell their BS that is off the table for them. Okay maybe they would if they were going to leave the BS, however their are personality traits that are a reason for the WS to feel this is okay. My own sister is a person that puts everyone into a box, you must stay in that box or she gets frustrated. I know this because she is often angry at me because I am not in my proper box.

 

dichotomy:

I am no longer with that wife, so it is not a matter of her following. I do like what you have to say, and truthfully that is what I am doing here. For me it is not about changing to be a better lover (I always try and improve this) it is about changing as a person all around. I will often check and see what my own perspectives are and if they are out of kilter. Having the open mind is the keystone to being able to grow and change. My reasons for growing and changing is because I want to. Learning things from the questions I have asked is for protecting myself. This may sound a bit selfish, however part of being able to love yourself is protecting yourself. Knowing the traits of predators helps me to better do this. After all growth does not mean that you should conform to someone else ideas. My XWW seen the cheating as wrong, however doing sexual acts with her lover and refusing them to me she had seen as being okay. She tried to convince me that doing these things was not what married couples do and that I was different because she loves me and not the xOM. Looking at myself I knew this was not okay for me, after all anything I had done with women in the past was not off the table for her. Never mind the fact that this is something she had done just recently and was cheating, which I have never done. For myself this was like rubbing salt into an open wound. Growth for me would not be accepting her explanation of why doing this is okay. For me it is knowing that my perspective is right for me and search for another woman that respects that. The real growth comes in learning what the thinking is of people that feel this is okay, so they can be avoided. However what was a real eye opener for me is the fact that my XWW showed no respect for my perspective. Often times it was dismissed as being insecure with myself. For me I would have stayed if I fed into my insecurities. I do have an open enough mind to know that this is not the case with everyone in a similar situation. This is because their perspective is different or has changed and they are okay with it. I am just one of those people that do not see a change like this as growth, I see it as an unreasonable sacrifice of ones beliefs.

[2.50 a gallon]

During my bachelor days, at the top of my list of sex partners, were newly divorced or going through a divorce women. And at the tip top of that list were those, who were virgins when they married and had only known one man sexually until I came along. The reason being they now wanted to experiment and try everything. And quite often they would be the aggressor. I really did not put too much thought into the why, just figured that me being a womanizer, I therefore was much more experienced sexually then their former husbands.

 

Then enter my future ExW. Prior to our marriage there was nothing sexualy that that woman would not try. It was any where, any place, any time, any way. When we met we both lived in the same apartment complex. So everybody knew us, and she used to get off on us having sex in the pool, right as everybody was coming home from work. It used to really turn her on when our neighbors would call out how nice it was to see two people so much in love, not knowing what was really going on underwater.

 

To be honest that was one of the reasons that I decided to marry her. I was in my 30's and if I have to chose just one woman to spend the rest of my life with what could be better than one with a fantastic body that loved sex and was willing to try everything

 

That all ended when we returned from out honeymoon. As she put it she was now my wife and not my slut.

Edited March 22, 2014 by 2.50 a gallon

[lilmisscantbewrong]

When i told the BW of the affair (about 3 months after DDay)...the OM came to my office and showed me 12-15 pics (on his phone) of my wife doing sex acts that we so offbase for me she wouldnt talk about them.....His wife since divorced him as well....I did not let my anger go toward because we as BH's want to beat the man to a freakin pulp....But it was my wife of 22 years who CHOSE to become WHORE and break our marriage vows....again still have trouble understanding the events that she let herself do really sick S^&T.

 

The om had pictures to show? Are you kidding me? Why did he keep pics? I'm disgusted.

[DasPope]

All I got when I questioned her specifically about the sex aspect was "it was different with them without any emotions, no better or worse physically"

I didn't get any details, I'm unsure of how to ask that question actually.