quidproquo89 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Hey, so a girl contacted me on a dating site. We got chatting and started texting. She then suddenly disappeared without word. She returned a couple of months later (this Feb) saying she was a mess after her ex and it wasn't that she didn't like me. She apologised. We began again. She showed a huge amount of interest in me. She texted me every morning, lunchtime and evening. Unprovoked, I took it easy because of what had happened before. After a week or two of this continuous attention I let my guard down and got used to having her around and began enjoying her messages. We arranged a first date, which went very well. We went to her local pub and chatted for hours. At the end we had a goodnight kiss. The messaging continued in the same fashion. She said she thought about me a lot and loved our kiss. She said she couldn't wait to scooch up to me and when I mentioned our house was for sale, she said that makes me want you more, I would be sad if you had to leave. In other words she would say lots of promising, enthusiastic things that made me believe that this was going somewhere and we would soon be starting a relationship. She even said herself, I feel this is really going somewhere. Here comes the tricky part. We went on a second date. I made the mistake of acting like a couple on the second date. Beforehand I'd said that I'd like to hold your hand and kiss you on our next date. She said please do. So on the second date, I gave her a peck on the lips and said hello. We chatted on the way to the cinema to book tickets. On the way from the cinema to the pub, I took her hand. We went to the pub and chatted there, I kept things light and funny. I pit my arm around her. We held hands to the cinema and she took my arm in the queue. We sat in the cinema and I said I'd like to kiss her, so we kissed briefly twice and held hands in the cinema. I sent a text and she took my hand again. We held hands on the way back to the car and I hugged her and gave her a peck on the lips. On hindsight, I did act like a couple too early, but as they say its down to how you feel your getting on with the girl. It isn't abnormal to kiss and hold hands on a second date. I felt it was the right thing to do, because of the enthusiasm she had shown me previously. She gave no indication she was uncomfortable on the date otherwise I would have stopped. Perhaps she was just being accommodating on the date. Well she wasn't the same after the second date. You know the vibes. She would still text me but with less enthusiasm and for less time. We were set to meet at the weekend and she cancelled and I had a hard time getting hold of her at the weekend. Yet she still made an effort to message me. Don't get me wrong I didn't let on that anything was different. I left her to do the contacting a lot of the time and when I tried to contact her at the weekend, I didn't keep contacting her I would try once and leave it. What I'm saying is I gave her space and would try once on sat and once on sunday to talk to her and she took a looong time to respond. I didn't ask her about it. On the following Monday, I asked her how she felt things were going and she said she didn't want to rush things. I said ok I understand, we'll just have fun on the next date (set for the weekend). She contacted me everyday, but without the enthusiasm she had before the second date. I continued to be light and reserved as I felt something was up. Finally two days before our third date. She told me she wasn't ready for a relationship. She thought she was, but isn't. It was nothing I'd done apparently. Even when I said it's been bugging me that I over did things, she said it was all her. When she told me she wasn't ready for a relationship, she opened up to me telling me that 7 months ago she came out of an emotionally abusive relationship, where her bf shouted at her, manipulated her into giving him money and ultimately spent all her savings. This is a huge problem for her and I figured this was the reason. I told her I was sorry and understood. I may have made a mistake, when she told me she didn't want a relationship. I said this makes me very unhappy and I didn't want to lose her. This was Thursday. On Sunday I sent her a letter on how I felt. She sent a nice response saying it was all her and she wasn't ready. I said ok I understand and I'd wait for her. I have made a point to give her space and it is three weeks now since contact with her. I wished her happy birthday yesterday, because I thought it rude not to. I simply said happy birthday, have a good day. I received no reply. . So she has a history of just leaving on the spot. . She came out of a bad relationship and simply isn't ready - she might be confused when she got close to somebody - would you break contact with this person altogether? . I took things a little too far on the second date, despite the fact that her enthusiasm and talk of liking our kiss, wanting to scooch up to me, wanting me more coz of the house for sale, sending me selfies of herself and telling me she thought this was really going somewhere . My response to her saying she wasn't ready was a little full-on, you can see why I was disappointed and she gave a pleasant response. . making an excuse to get rid of me I haven't had a lot of luck with girls and this situation confused me. So she has left before suddenly, so maybe she is very confused. She sounded like she really like me - perhaps she let things get to far and when it came to starting with someone new she got scared? Perhaps she changed her mind about me? I went too far and scared her off? It is simply a bad relationship and she isn't ready, will she come back? The fact that we went form chatting three times a day and she made me feel great to now we don't speak at all. Would you not check in with me occasionally as it is a bit cruel and strange to just drop somebody after showing so much interest? Maybe she just needs time and space? Which I am giving her, I just messaged happy bday, I asked no questions - I thought it impolite not to. I guess I'd like you guys to tell me I did nothing wrong. Coz I felt justified to behave the way I did on the second date. And I'm the sort of person who has to speak their minds, hence why I told her how I felt in detail. Perhaps the right person would appreciate that amount of honesty/or maybe that would only push someone further away. I just feel bad because I think about what I and we could have had, and instead I'm left thinking about what could have been, what I've done wrong, guessing what she is really thinking and feeling towards me. Sorry if Im rambling. I keep this sort of thing to myself usually, but I'm using this site as an outlet to vent my tension and disappointment. Really do not want any negative opinions here please, I'm not a nutter, I just could do with some decent advice, matters of the heart are never easy we all need a little help now and again.
morrowrd Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I have a couple of probabilities, number one is that she met someone else on the dating sites that she has better chemistry with. (somebody she is more attracted to than you). That's the norm with online dating, it's buffet style, fast paced, and because of the barriers that online communication creates, it allows for people to come and go much easier. The bad part is feeling disposable after you had what YOU felt was a connection. Reason number 2, after the second date she decided she really didn't have a connection with you and rather than be abrupt, she is distancing herself, hoping you'll get the message. My advice, leave her alone.
Author quidproquo89 Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 That is quite probable. I definitely already decided not to contact her again. Seems like a huge amount of effort doesn't it to make so much effort contacting somebody and so often, if you were keeping your options open with other people. Surely she didn't make up all that stuff about her ex? Or maybe using that as a tool to get rid of me. If this is true, its kind of annoying to put so much effort in if your not really sure about somebody pfft
David87 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 She sounded like she really like me - perhaps she let things get to far and when it came to starting with someone new she got scared? There are 2 posibilities 1 She's not ready for a relationship. 2. She found someone else. Perhaps she changed her mind about me? It's possible because you came a little too strong on that second date. I went too far and scared her off? Never ask a girl if you could hold her hand or if you could kiss her. Just do those those things if you feel is right It is simply a bad relationship and she isn't ready, will she come back? Give her space because that's what she asked you to do. To be honest with you she may never come back so dont give up on dating. Try again. The fact that we went form chatting three times a day and she made me feel great to now we don't speak at all. Would you not check in with me occasionally as it is a bit cruel and strange to just drop somebody after showing so much interest? No, because she obviously lost interest in you. Maybe she just needs time and space? Which I am giving her, I just messaged happy bday, I asked no questions - I thought it impolite not to. You're right give her space and respect her wish. I guess I'd like you guys to tell me I did nothing wrong. Coz I felt justified to behave the way I did on the second date. And I'm the sort of person who has to speak their minds, hence why I told her how I felt in detail. Perhaps the right person would appreciate that amount of honesty/or maybe that would only push someone further away. The right person would appreciate everything about you. So have patience.
Author quidproquo89 Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 I appreciate your decisive answer there dave thanks
Author quidproquo89 Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Would anyone else have acted on the second date, the way I did. Can anyone see it from my point of view? A girl showers you with constant attention, I mean she messaged me morning, lunchtime and every evening for weeks. She would wait till I got home from work and stay and chat. She said she loved our kiss, wants to cuddle, feels its really going somewhere and would miss me if I had to leave. Girls opinions on this one. From your pov, would you go to all that trouble and enthusiasm only to turn away when the guy shows you the attention that you, yourself encouraged?
KelC411 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Would anyone else have acted on the second date, the way I did. Can anyone see it from my point of view? A girl showers you with constant attention, I mean she messaged me morning, lunchtime and every evening for weeks. She would wait till I got home from work and stay and chat. She said she loved our kiss, wants to cuddle, feels its really going somewhere and would miss me if I had to leave. Girls opinions on this one. From your pov, would you go to all that trouble and enthusiasm only to turn away when the guy shows you the attention that you, yourself encouraged? Girl here! Ok, let me start out by saying I don't think you did anything weird or creepy or wrong. It sounds like you are a nice guy and that you were just being responsive to her. However, I think there may be a combo of factors. I have been the girl in this situation. 1) she probably is still struggling with her past relationship. I doubt she would make that up (and if she did then she has issues and you shouldnt date her anyway). 2) she probably meant what she said about wanting to kiss you, scooch up to,you, etc., but then when it came down to that happening in reality, it may have freaked her out. That doesn't meanyou did anything worng, it just means she thought she was more ready than she was. I have had that happen to me. In theory it sounds awesome but then when it happens it is scary and like "whoa!" She should have communicated that to you on the date and told you to slow down, but maybe she was too shy to tell you that, I dont know. Either way though, you didnt do anything wrong, she just wasnt ready for it. And you deserve to date someone who is ready. 1
Author quidproquo89 Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Girl here! Ok, let me start out by saying I don't think you did anything weird or creepy or wrong. It sounds like you are a nice guy and that you were just being responsive to her. However, I think there may be a combo of factors. I have been the girl in this situation. 1) she probably is still struggling with her past relationship. I doubt she would make that up (and if she did then she has issues and you shouldnt date her anyway). 2) she probably meant what she said about wanting to kiss you, scooch up to,you, etc., but then when it came down to that happening in reality, it may have freaked her out. That doesn't meanyou did anything worng, it just means she thought she was more ready than she was. I have had that happen to me. In theory it sounds awesome but then when it happens it is scary and like "whoa!" She should have communicated that to you on the date and told you to slow down, but maybe she was too shy to tell you that, I dont know. Either way though, you didnt do anything wrong, she just wasnt ready for it. And you deserve to date someone who is ready. Thanks that is very good advice and has put a smile on my face. Thank you so much . It had bugged me I got to say, but to have someone just back you up a little does the world of good. You may well be right. Well I'm not contacting her anymore so I going to move forward with my life and neither of us said anything nasty to one another so its just one of those unfortunate things
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