Sakra Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I've been with this amazing wonderful guy for 19 months. We're both young but serious people (age: 20+) I've been very much in love with him, he is my first boyfriend, my first everything. I love him... but I don't feel passionate anymore. I only feel some passion when we make love or he spontanously kisses me or says something deep about me that I didn't see coming. I still think he's cute, although I sometimes look at him without feeling a thing. Nothing, whilest in the beginning I would look at him and think : 'I'm so happy that his is the face my children are going to have, i so hope they look like him. I'm panicking I feel some distance between us. The true connection that we had the first 16 months is gone and I'm sooooo longing to get it back. I know this is the next phase, but my head won't accept it. I'm so scared it's going to be dull and the moment I notice that I'm not having that much fun when I'm with him I flip out. My head goes spinning, I'm so stressed out because I think I'm falling out of love with him. I'm scared to plan my life with him just because I almost sure we wont make it, because this isn't supposed to happen. People have to be a 100% sure when they descide to be together forever. They should always feel love and I'm flipping out, because the man is perfect. And I don't want to lose him. But I'm already preparing for the end, already pushing my feelings down and out. Please help me, this is a perfect relationship, we never fight, he makes me laugh, even when I'm down but I've been so depressed and numb for the past 5 or 6 weeks that I'm scared I've killed it anyway. I've ruined my own feelings but I really really want that life with him. He could give me everything. Please, how to stop these thoughts !!! I'm ruining a perfectly healthy relationship with a wonderful, intelligent, handsome man with a nice family and a very good job. I'm just scared that we won't make it, it will get boring, or I'll start being annoyed/annoying and he'll run anyway. Please, I need to feel again, these thoughts are crippling me. Please, any tips to control the thoughts and be exited for the future again? We could have such an amazing life together and I would be in love with him if I didn't have these thoughts. I'm just so focused on them, I can't seem to kill them. Please don't tell me to break it up. I'm not a quitter, I want to fight. I'm not giving up a perfect relationship. Please help me... I'm desperate... and excuse the mistakes, I'm foreign.. but help!! I really know I could have a life with this man, a life I want, we want ...
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) First, I want to say that you're both young and that's not to sound condescending but twenty-something men and women haven't truly experienced the ups and downs of life and relationships to truly appreciate things. I think you may have some pretty unrealistic expectations when it comes to your relationship and what it means to be in love and coupled up. It is absolutely normal for passions to simmer and for life with your partner to take on more of a routine. That's not to say that there aren't ways you can combat some of the monotony but it does require some effort. Having said that, you first need to get crystal clear about what it is you're so afraid of; are you freaking out because you're bored silly and just fearful that the passion and butterflies have disappeared OR are your feelings for him changing and you no longer love him as you did 19 months ago? OR, do you think that diminishing passions equates to falling out of love? One can be remedied while the other, well, that is a bit more difficult. At the very least, I think you need to communicate with your partner about how you're feeling. I don't mean that you need to tell him how you're not sure if you love him anymore but rather discuss your concerns about how things feel stale and how much you miss and want the passion back again. He might be feeling the same way but is at a loss about how to go about fixing things or even talking to you about it. I think you owe it to him to be honest and let him in on the discussion because nothing will hurt him more than if you just up and ended things because of feelings you've harbored for a long while. It will feel like it came out of the blue for him and that kind of pain can be debilitating for someone that didn't see it coming. It takes two people to make a relationship work. Sitting back and only complaining about what's wrong or missing and not doing anything to change things is not only NOT going to solve anything but it's completely unfair to your boyfriend and to your relationship. And finally, and I know this is easier said than done but please try not to over think things. Often times we create problems where there weren't any in the first place. Talk to him and give him a chance to weigh in on how things are going. Edited March 20, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle
Author Sakra Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) First, I want to say that you're both young and that's not to sound condescending but twenty-something men and women haven't truly experienced the ups and downs of life and relationships to truly appreciate things. I think you may have some pretty unrealistic expectations when it comes to your relationship and what it means to be in love and coupled up. It is absolutely normal for passions to simmer and for life with your partner to take on more of a routine. That's not to say that there aren't ways you can combat some of the monotony but it does require some effort. Having said that, you first need to get crystal clear about what it is you're so afraid of; are you freaking out because you're bored silly and just fearful that the passion and butterflies have disappeared OR are your feelings for him changing and you no longer love him as you did 19 months ago? OR, do you think that diminishing passions equates to falling out of love? One can be remedied while the other, well, that is a bit more difficult. At the very least, I think you need to communicate with your partner about how you're feeling. I don't mean that you need to tell him how you're not sure if you love him anymore but rather discuss your concerns about how things feel stale and how much you miss and want the passion back again. He might be feeling the same way but is at a loss about how to go about fixing things or even talking to you about it. I think you owe it to him to be honest and let him in on the discussion because nothing will hurt him more than if you just up and ended things because of feelings you've harbored for a long while. It will feel like it came out of the blue for him and that kind of pain can be debilitating for someone that didn't see it coming. It takes two people to make a relationship work. Sitting back and only complaining about what's wrong or missing and not doing anything to change things is not only NOT going to solve anything but it's completely unfair to your boyfriend and to your relationship. And finally, and I know this is easier said than done but please try not to over think things. Often times we create problems where there weren't any in the first place. Talk to him and give him a chance to weigh in on how things are going. I've talked about it with him several times. The overthinking is the main problem because I KNOW i love him. That is why these thoughts are killing me, I don't understand why I'm having them. We can talk about everything and he always (tries to) understand. I'm just so focused on these thoughts that I'm starting to believe them. I'm starting to believe something is wrong, I'm extremely anxious that I'm falling out of love with him because I really do love him. I'm just scared that I won't be able to control the thoughts, that I'll turn numb out of fear and I'll lose control and give up on the relationship that I've always dreamed of. I'm just so confused. I know, I KNOW that if these thoughts would dissepear I would be perfectly happy, but I want them to dissapear so badly that I can't let it go and it is eating me alive. It is purely in my own head. I know 20 sounds young, but I am a very complex person, I had to be mature and independent from a young age, so I'm not just some silly immature girl. I want this relationship to work so badly, I want him so badly that I can't let it go. I'm so afraid the dying butterflies = falling out of love and now I'm even more afraid that having these thoughts is killing everything anyway... it seems a vicious circle I can't get out of and he's my only escape from it, but i don't want to use him as an escape from my thoughts. He can calm me down but I need to stay calm because I constantly evaluate my feelings for him and if they are not as intense as i would like then i just simply flip out over the top. Edited March 20, 2014 by Sakra
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