Why are some people so possessive?

[Emilia]

How is jealousy a normal/healthy emotion? What would prompt this emotion that would indicate a healthy response? I am trying to understand it and make sure that I am not arguing semantics in my head.

 

I can see definitely wanting to prioritize one's relationship over other things in one's life and can see when jealous pops up that it is a gut check/red flag that a potential imbalance maybe occurring that needs to be addressed. But I am not understanding how jealousy represents something good?

Have you ever experienced it when your other half was talking to someone attractive, perhaps laughing at her jokes, etc? Even if it's just an innocent attraction, not even full flirting. Just that 'he is mine' response.

[TheGuard13]

Yeah, I don't think that's remotely healthy.

 

 

I think a sense of pride that someone who is "yours" can make others interested is, but a possessive reaction? Not so much.

[salparadise]

How is jealousy a normal/healthy emotion? What would prompt this emotion that would indicate a healthy response? I am trying to understand it and make sure that I am not arguing semantics in my head.

 

I can see definitely wanting to prioritize one's relationship over other things in one's life and can see when jealous pops up that it is a gut check/red flag that a potential imbalance maybe occurring that needs to be addressed. But I am not understanding how jealousy represents something good?

 

Well, it's normal because 99.9 percent of men and women feel this emotion when they perceive a threat to their exclusive access to their partner.

 

Healthy is more difficult to argue because the concept of healthy is not precise/absolute, thus we have to make a few assumptions (which are arguable, but that I do not intend to defend). The assumptions fall along the lines that monogamy desirable, that it's desirable for the children a man invests in to actually be his genetically and not the next door neighbor's, and conversely, that it's best for a man to concentrate familial investment in one nuclear family than to spread it far and wide.

 

So jealously is an emotion that triggers behaviors which protect exclusive reproductive access to one's chosen mate. This is good (healthy) from the perspective of the individual gene because in biological terms that gene's sole purpose is to replicate itself. Generally speaking (but not exclusively), what's good for the gene is also good for the carrier. Behaviors that are obviously good for the gene and its carrier are considered healthy.

 

The reason that unhealthy motivations (by this definition) have not been extinguished is that sometimes what is advantageous to the overall gene pool are inconsistent with the best interests of the individual gene and its carrier. But in this discussion I believe we're looking at it from the perspective of the individual.

[thegreatesthumphrey]

I was leaning towards that too.

But, for example, my sister, she is really possessive, but had no past betrayals. Her partner was forever saying 'this isn't working out', only to retract it afterwards, and it was as if that was enough to cause her to go from not concerned to extremely possessive. Odd.

 

That is a form of betrayal...

 

ln my experience, the only possessive guys l dated in the past were cheaters themselves. Like when they talk to other women they want to have sex with them, so they dont want their woman talking to men. <-- this wouldnt apply to your sisters case, just my experience with possessive people.

[thegreatesthumphrey]

How is jealousy a normal/healthy emotion? What would prompt this emotion that would indicate a healthy response? I am trying to understand it and make sure that I am not arguing semantics in my head.

 

I can see definitely wanting to prioritize one's relationship over other things in one's life and can see when jealous pops up that it is a gut check/red flag that a potential imbalance maybe occurring that needs to be addressed. But I am not understanding how jealousy represents something good?

 

 

AGREED! A jealous person lacks the confidence in themselves to keep and maintain what they have built for themselves.

 

For me l may be a little overly confident, only because l know without a doubt that l am a catch. lf l catch my man looking at a hott woman, it does not bother me at all. ln fact, l see it as a minor challenge and look forward to going home that night with my man and reminding him exactly why he chose me And he definitely know why! haha.

[Got it]

Well, it's normal because 99.9 percent of men and women feel this emotion when they perceive a threat to their exclusive access to their partner.

 

Healthy is more difficult to argue because the concept of healthy is not precise/absolute, thus we have to make a few assumptions (which are arguable, but that I do not intend to defend). The assumptions fall along the lines that monogamy desirable, that it's desirable for the children a man invests in to actually be his genetically and not the next door neighbor's, and conversely, that it's best for a man to concentrate familial investment in one nuclear family than to spread it far and wide.

 

So jealously is an emotion that triggers behaviors which protect exclusive reproductive access to one's chosen mate. This is good (healthy) from the perspective of the individual gene because in biological terms that gene's sole purpose is to replicate itself. Generally speaking (but not exclusively), what's good for the gene is also good for the carrier. Behaviors that are obviously good for the gene and its carrier are considered healthy.

 

The reason that unhealthy motivations (by this definition) have not been extinguished is that sometimes what is advantageous to the overall gene pool are inconsistent with the best interests of the individual gene and its carrier. But in this discussion I believe we're looking at it from the perspective of the individual.

 

Okay so extrapolating this line of thinking thinking of kidnapping and holding hostage one's sexual attraction would be healthy/normal as it

 

"triggers behaviors which protect exclusive reproductive access to one's chosen mate. This is good (healthy) from the perspective of the individual gene because in biological terms that gene's sole purpose is to replicate itself. Generally speaking (but not exclusively) what's good for the gene is good for the carrier."

 

Doesn't make a lot of sense now does it? While jealousy may be triggered by feeling like one is having their "property" threatened I do not see it as a healthy emotion because it is based on an "ownership" mentality. While it is normal as it does happen I am not understanding how it is healthy unless we roll back the clocks to a more primitive time.

 

I do think one should pay attention to the feelings of jealousy but I think it is a trigger for other feelings that are more important to consider, either one's feeling of disparity with their significant other's time, attention, etc. Potentially a call to childhood issues of abandonment, self control, etc. Potentially a call to look at one's own self esteem and feelings of adequacy.

 

But I do not see jealousy as a "positive" emotion outside of analyzing further what the feeling is all about.

 

For myself, I have rarely felt jealousy. It just hasn't come up for me and for the past boyfriend that it did, well it spoke to a very one sided relationship that had many red flags that my gut was screaming at me to do something about it. I see it as a feeling that is either speaking to possessiveness or coveting and I don't see either as a good/positive emotion.

[salparadise]

It's a matter of degrees. I certainly don't think that obsessive or extreme jealousy is healthy. When you seek to understand by extrapolating and testing more extreme examples you change the context entirely. What I am saying is that we want to be cherished, desired, valued by our partners and if someone is completely devoid of this emotion it will seem as if they do not. I am simply saying that a small degree of jealousy in a healthy relationship affirms connection and helps maintain the bond.

[TheGuard13]

Do you have an example of what you would consider that small degree?

[MercuryMorrison1]

I'm going to go with betrayed in the past.

 

Hit the nail on the head.

 

 

I admit I can get possessive of my girlfriend and I know its a very negative thing to do, so I'm working on changing that aspect of my personality.

 

However it does stem directly from being betrayed in the past.

[salparadise]

Do you have an example of what you would consider that small degree?

 

Ok, here's one example. I attended a life drawing studio with my girlfriend a year or so ago, and there were about 10 artists there. One was some French guy who was a pompous ass and thought himself a real Casanova. My girlfriend was the prettiest woman in the room and so after we were finished drawing this guy starts hitting on her by pretending to be enthralled by her creativity.

 

She was innocent, perhaps a bit naive, and thought that he was actually interested in her drawing. Even though I felt secure in our relationship, it triggered my jealousy emotion. So as he's moving in closer, trying to actually touch her, she looks over and sees the expression on my face. She immediately realized the situation at that point, walks over to me and says, kiss me. So I kissed her good as she took my arm and we made our exit leaving Casanova standing there with his dick in his hand.

 

So what might have transpired if say, I had no reaction whatsoever, perhaps walked out to the bathroom, or started talking to another girl? Or what might have been the result if say, I had overreacted and punched the guy in the face? Or what if I got angry at her and started screaming at her?

 

She later told me how much she appreciated me, apologized for not recognizing the guy's ploy sooner, and even saying how my reaction made her feel cherished and protected.

 

I honestly do not understand why this seems so counterintuitive to so many people. Our healthy social emotions, behaviors, cues are are extremely nuanced and refined. It's seldom as simple as B&W, but people seem to default to that conceptually when discussing it. You know, you can actually die from drinking either too much or too little water?

[JourneyLady]

Well the thing is, for those that believe in monogamy - WHY pair up if you're not intending on being exclusive with that person. The point of monogamy is to actually invest in another person's well-being with your time, your emotions and your finances in many cases. Why wouldn't you want to protect your investment, particularly in the case of your emotions? Nobody wants to be hurt and speaking of love effects, your partner should not want you to be hurt or to do things that hurt you either.

 

Your partner is not your possession, but that's not to say that after a certain amount of investment they don't belong to you, or should! We adopt animals and respect their right of being (or should), however we say "that's MY dog" and get bothered if anyone offers them treats in a way that guarantees they will want to leave us. We make investments in our children and are horrified if a new mom or father come into their lives (when the other parent has left us) if they show signs of loving the other "new" parent (who has not made the emotional investment) more.

 

The "My" spouse or partner comes from the investment we have made in the relationship - a third entity all it's own. It's developed from the particulars of both partner's personalities, likes and dislikes, and added to with the emotional and other investment they've made. It was not easy to leave my ex-boyfriend -- mostly due to the amount of investment I made in that relationship. But seeing HE was not invested in the relationship to as great a degree, is what broke it. He was always on the lookout for someone more physically desirable and/or interesting. I could sense that internally and decided not to invest any more of my time or emotions. It would have been a waste of effort.

 

The "emotion" of jealousy is perfectly healthy as Sal stated. What's not healthy is the extremes some will go to in order to protect that investment. Some things are worth while. When you've been married to a person for a long time, you stop looking to see if they are still invested in YOU, particularly if they are still "acting the part". Sometimes (as those of us who have been betrayed know) in hindsight, we should have checked once in a while. Jealousy, the healthy kind, wants to keep in touch with the intentions of the partner and make sure they are still as invested as you are.

 

Otherwise, it's a free for all booty call and why invest in anyone, ever? That's freeloading. You're just in it for the good times and leave when there's bad, because you're not invested.

[Got it]

It's a matter of degrees. I certainly don't think that obsessive or extreme jealousy is healthy. When you seek to understand by extrapolating and testing more extreme examples you change the context entirely. What I am saying is that we want to be cherished, desired, valued by our partners and if someone is completely devoid of this emotion it will seem as if they do not. I am simply saying that a small degree of jealousy in a healthy relationship affirms connection and helps maintain the bond.

 

How does the first bolded create the second bolded? I absolutely agree we need to feel cherished, desired and valued but feeling like I may "lose" my partner doesn't make me feel those feelings in fact I feel the opposite and thus creates jealousy.

 

Potentially I will feel the above if I am the one that is turning my affections towards another or having an outside person show my attention and in suit my significant other is feeling threatened and jealous. So my ego may be stroked and I believe I am feeling cherished and desired but it is about the cost of my SO's feelings and appeal.

 

So does that mean it is a good thing?

[salparadise]

So my ego may be stroked and I believe I am feeling cherished and desired but it is about the cost of my SO's feelings and appeal.

 

I think you're confusing "healthy" with feel-good. Being hungry doesn't feel good, but it motivates us to eat when our body needs nourishment, therefore it's healthy. Similarly, jealousy prompts us to behave in a way that's in our own best interest.

[man_in_the_box]

IDK, I totally cannot relate jealousy with something positive. I hated being undeserved on the receiving end and I cannot imagine wanting my SO to experience that. She's perfectly able to remain committed to our relationship without my 'help' and if not... then something is seriously wrong with the relationship.

[Got it]

I think you're confusing "healthy" with feel-good. Being hungry doesn't feel good, but it motivates us to eat when our body needs nourishment, therefore it's healthy. Similarly, jealousy prompts us to behave in a way that's in our own best interest.

 

Again so any self interest is good? So whenever my SO looks at another girl or talks to her I get jealous it is my best interest to move on this?

 

I am definitely not confusing feel good with healthy. I do not think jealous is healthy. It may be good a good litmus test to other red flags like relationship inequalities but that is because something is going wrong.

 

And if hunger motivates us to eat and that is healthy what exactly does jealousy motivating us to do that is healthy? And why does one need an external effect, like seeing our spouse talk to a hot man/woman to not invoke those actions independently?

 

Based on this line of logic, my spouse engaging with any females makes me feel jealousy, so looking out for my best interest I do not want him to talk to any women because it is not in my best interest to have him out there.

 

How is jealousy being used to promote healthy, life enhancing behavior?

[Got it]

Well the thing is, for those that believe in monogamy - WHY pair up if you're not intending on being exclusive with that person. The point of monogamy is to actually invest in another person's well-being with your time, your emotions and your finances in many cases. Why wouldn't you want to protect your investment, particularly in the case of your emotions? Nobody wants to be hurt and speaking of love effects, your partner should not want you to be hurt or to do things that hurt you either.

 

Your partner is not your possession, but that's not to say that after a certain amount of investment they don't belong to you, or should! We adopt animals and respect their right of being (or should), however we say "that's MY dog" and get bothered if anyone offers them treats in a way that guarantees they will want to leave us. We make investments in our children and are horrified if a new mom or father come into their lives (when the other parent has left us) if they show signs of loving the other "new" parent (who has not made the emotional investment) more.

 

The "My" spouse or partner comes from the investment we have made in the relationship - a third entity all it's own. It's developed from the particulars of both partner's personalities, likes and dislikes, and added to with the emotional and other investment they've made. It was not easy to leave my ex-boyfriend -- mostly due to the amount of investment I made in that relationship. But seeing HE was not invested in the relationship to as great a degree, is what broke it. He was always on the lookout for someone more physically desirable and/or interesting. I could sense that internally and decided not to invest any more of my time or emotions. It would have been a waste of effort.

 

The "emotion" of jealousy is perfectly healthy as Sal stated. What's not healthy is the extremes some will go to in order to protect that investment. Some things are worth while. When you've been married to a person for a long time, you stop looking to see if they are still invested in YOU, particularly if they are still "acting the part". Sometimes (as those of us who have been betrayed know) in hindsight, we should have checked once in a while. Jealousy, the healthy kind, wants to keep in touch with the intentions of the partner and make sure they are still as invested as you are.

 

Otherwise, it's a free for all booty call and why invest in anyone, ever? That's freeloading. You're just in it for the good times and leave when there's bad, because you're not invested.

 

I disagree, no human belongs to another human. And animals are seen as property, you do own said animal and the animal does not have any rights based under the law. They have no say which is not the same as another human.

 

Relationships have a social and verbal contract tied to them, similar to business agreements that have certain expectations and requirements. In both these social agreements and business ones, if things are done that run counter to the agreement the agreement is null and voided. Period.

 

I have no issues with someone taking care of my pet, I have no issues if someone seems to care for them in a positive manner but at the end of the day I own that animal so it does belong to me. But this has nothing to do with my relationship with other humans.

 

And I do not believe that not feeling jealousy means that one has no boundaries nor does it mean that one is not invested. It is just that they don't feel possessive of another human being nor do they feel threatened.

 

And that is the baseline of jealous, either tied to coveting something or threatened because of potential loss/possessiveness.

[salparadise]

I do not think jealous is healthy.

 

You are entitled to your opinion. I don't intend to expend any more effort explaining mine when all you do is twist a reasonable explanation into some irrelevant extrapolation and call it invalid. If you want to debate a point stay within the context and offer a rational argument in support of your views (please).