RoseMadder Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 If you've seen my other thread then you'll know that my dad is a serial cheat who has made me complicit in his lies. His latest a started at Xmas, I caught him the beginning of February and he swore blind he'd finished it, rang the ow in front of me etc... Since then he's been a sneaky *******, slipping out for no reason and today me and my H decided to follow him. Result - his car was parked outside the ow's house when he'd told us he'd be at his bosses house. I texted him to tell him I was done with lying for him and I was going to tell mom everything. That was at 9.20pm. H and I went home and told Mom everything, about the A, about the lies, about him selling drugs to his employees, the works. She reacted remarkably calmly and said she's not dumb and had suspicions of her own, we were just confirming them. She said she's not going to let him destroy everything we've all worked so hard to build and she's got more important things to worry about than an old man who doesn't know how to behave. Amazing! She told me not to worry, she'd sort dad out and would come over and see me later. At 11.30 Dad gets home, he comes over to mine and says "we'd better go and speak to your mother then Rose' glaring at me the whole time. He didn't know I'd already told mom everything. So I followed him over but as soon as he realised I'd already told he ushered me out of their bedroom and said they'd sort it. I know I'm going to hell for eavesdropping but I had to know he was telling her the truth so I listened at the door. Dad basically flat out lied to mom that there was no A going on, said that the only evidence I had was him saying "love ya" to her on the phone and his car being outside her house. Bull$hitt! He admitted it all to me, promised he'd end it etc... He then went on that he was fed up with me, I was causing trouble over nothing, I made it all up. When mom pointed out that keeping secrets from her was killing me he said he was fed up with all of us, we can all F**k off. Mom said if you don't like it then leave. At that point I thought it best to go and have a spliff before I killed my dad lol. Mom came over later and said everything's fine, he's said the a wasn't sexual (we all know it was) and he wants to get help, he thinks he's having a nervous breakdown. When she said that my eyes rolled so far back in my head I could see my brain lol. So he obviously decided to stay. How can she be so calm? Now I'm scared for myself, I've disobeyed my dad and trust me he doesn't take that sort of thing well. In his mind I've betrayed him, I've purposely set out to destroy his happiness and he's gonna have to do a lot of stuff that he doesn't want to do to make up for MY weakness. Therefore I will have to pay. Do all dads think like this?
snappytomcat Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 wow!i have no words,your dad sounds very selfish,and manipulative,im sorry hes putting your family through all this crap and to answer your question,no not all dads are like this,mine is wonderful
Grumpybutfun Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Of course he is disappointed and angry, you unraveled his web of lies. Your mother seemed to know and accept him as he is, so unfortunately he won't change his behaviors since she would rather pretend that this is minuscule. However, that is not your issue. You did the right ting and now it is their issue. As far as your father, it is time for you to place some boundaries. Let him know that you know he is angry, but you did what you felt was right for your family. You aren't going to take sides between your mom and him and that you do not want to be privy to his cheating or lies in the future. Make sure he. Knows that you are ashamed for being a part of his destructive behavior and no father should ask their child to lie and coverup behavior that causes your mom pain. No, Rose, not all dads are like this and if you feel fearful make sure you let your husband know and do whatever you have to do to protect yourself. If your father becomes aggressive in any way, tell your husband to make sure your home is secure, also tell your dad you do not deserve to be treated bad for telling the truth even if he still is a liar and go no contact with him until he respects you and your boundaries. I know it seems scary right now because he is angry but you did the right thing. Your father is a coward so stay strong and stand up for yourself and he will eventually stop trying to punish you for his dysfunction. As a father my main job in life is to make sure my children are healthy, safe and happy and I would do nothing to cause them any pain. Your father wanted to be the cool guy and be your friend, and he forgot how to be your dad and to be your safe place in this world. Best, Grumps 2
Allumere Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 That man you are referring to...he is not a dad or father. I would never use that term again until he acts like one. He is a sad, pathetic shell of a man that will not own his ***t and put the blame and burden on everyone else. At no point should you feel one ounce of quilt, the need to apologize or any of that. What "father" does that? If your heart is heavy, take it up with God if you are the religious sort. Forgive him for your own peace of mind, not his, and have as little to do with him as possible. 3
Author RoseMadder Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Of course he is disappointed and angry, you unraveled his web of lies. Your mother seemed to know and accept him as he is, so unfortunately he won't change his behaviors since she would rather pretend that this is minuscule. However, that is not your issue. You did the right ting and now it is their issue. As far as your father, it is time for you to place some boundaries. Let him know that you know he is angry, but you did what you felt was right for your family. You aren't going to take sides between your mom and him and that you do not want to be privy to his cheating or lies in the future. Make sure he. Knows that you are ashamed for being a part of his destructive behavior and no father should ask their child to lie and coverup behavior that causes your mom pain. No, Rose, not all dads are like this and if you feel fearful make sure you let your husband know and do whatever you have to do to protect yourself. If your father becomes aggressive in any way, tell your husband to make sure your home is secure, also tell your dad you do not deserve to be treated bad for telling the truth even if he still is a liar and go no contact with him until he respects you and your boundaries. I know it seems scary right now because he is angry but you did the right thing. Your father is a coward so stay strong and stand up for yourself and he will eventually stop trying to punish you for his dysfunction. As a father my main job in life is to make sure my children are healthy, safe and happy and I would do nothing to cause them any pain. Your father wanted to be the cool guy and be your friend, and he forgot how to be your dad and to be your safe place in this world. Best, Grumps ^^^This had me in tears, thank you for your kindness, who'd have thought that a stranger on the net would give me so much comfort. Your family is very lucky to have you. Rose. I'll update later as to what's going on. 3
confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 No! All dad's are not like that. If you have an "H" then you are a grown woman and shouldn't care if daddy is pissed off anyhow. IT's time hefaces the music in his own world, now you go back to yours. You did the right thing. 1
Author RoseMadder Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 No! All dad's are not like that. If you have an "H" then you are a grown woman and shouldn't care if daddy is pissed off anyhow. IT's time hefaces the music in his own world, now you go back to yours. You did the right thing. It's easy to say I shouldn't care that he is pissed off, he's my dad and despite of his many flaws I love him. We've always been a close knit family, we live 20 yards from each other and I have to go there every day to help mom with caring for my nan who's got cancer. I'm not the type of person who'd punish my mom or nan by not going over to help because dad might be a twat to me. I hear what you're saying though, I need to back off, but sometimes when I see how passively my moms taking it I want to bloody throttle him. Lol 1
Eggplant Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 As the child, this is not your problem. You should be able to keep having a relationship with your parents without being burdened by it. You did all you could do by telling your mother. She knows it all, she has known it all. When she said that the affair wasn't sexual, of course she knew the truth about that too. Her decision is to look the other way. It's probably not a good idea, but absolutely not something you should have to worry about. I say forget about it from now on. 1
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