Izzy8 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 (edited) Hi All, My H and I have been together for 7 years. We went through some issues with trust recently. I was abused in the past and have always had a deep fear of close intimacy with men. We are in couples counselling and want the relationship to work. For the past 6 months I have had a fear of being intimate with my H since the counselling began. I just don't find myself being attracted to him. He is a good looking man, kind and wonderful. He just doesn't turn me on. When we kiss I feel nothing. When we did have sex I just wasn't enjoying it at all. Also I never get a "release" myself. He says he doesn't even know what I want anymore. I don't even know what I want physically from him. I have no inclination to even be sexually intimate at all. He wants to be close and he wants that intimacy again. When we first started seeing each other it was very sexual but now I find I am afraid. Any tips on what I can do to re-create the spark... maybe find myself more attracted to him. I feel it is unfair for him.. I just want our marriage to work. Edited March 20, 2014 by Izzy8
oldshirt Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 For the past 6 months I have had a fear of being intimate with my H since the counselling began. What happened 6 months and one day ago?
Keenly Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 What caused you to shut down all the intimacy in your marriage? That doesn't exactly sound fair to him.
dichotomy Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 (edited) What oldshirt asked. If you just started counseling - for "trust issues" and other things - why don't you give it 6-12 months? It sounds like sex for you needs to be part of a secure trusting marriage (which is normal) so see if you can fix this in therapy. Also - did you get individual therapy for your past abuse? Marriage therapy is not really the place for you to work on that. Also - while minor - I would suggest you also focus on other healthy habits for yourself like eating well and exercise and good sleep. Yoga maybe a good place to start if you are not working out. If you can't find a gym - get a mat and some DVD's for home. Edited March 21, 2014 by dichotomy
Grumpybutfun Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 (edited) Hi All, My H and I have been together for 7 years. We went through some issues with trust recently. I was abused in the past and have always had a deep fear of close intimacy with men. We are in couples counselling and want the relationship to work. For the past 6 months I have had a fear of being intimate with my H since the counselling began. I just don't find myself being attracted to him. He is a good looking man, kind and wonderful. He just doesn't turn me on. When we kiss I feel nothing. When we did have sex I just wasn't enjoying it at all. Also I never get a "release" myself. He says he doesn't even know what I want anymore. I don't even know what I want physically from him. I have no inclination to even be sexually intimate at all. He wants to be close and he wants that intimacy again. When we first started seeing each other it was very sexual but now I find I am afraid. Any tips on what I can do to re-create the spark... maybe find myself more attracted to him. I feel it is unfair for him.. I just want our marriage to work. While in counseling for couples is very good, you need abuse therapy. In couples therapy you are just opening these wounds without learning how to deal with them properly, and get the tools you need. It is very normal for triggers to impede relationships. You should be able to speak to your counselor about this and get some tips on why you are being triggered. Also, you can manage this as you heal. Gauge your trust with your spouse. Try to figure out what you are exactly afraid of with intimacy. Real fear projected at our spouse can cause us to shut down and think we aren't attracted when it really is much deeper like issues with sexual, emotional, physical, verbal or mental abuse. This is really something your abuse therapist should be able to help you manage. Get in IC because abuse can bring a myriad of issues to marriage. Grumps Edited March 21, 2014 by Grumpybutfun 1
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