FreedomRocks Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Hi all I am sorry for the long post and the somewhat dramatic title. But I am in so much pain and my last relationship has just put me through the wringer. Venting helps and I appreciate anyone reading this! My boyfriend and I broke up and I moved out in December. we are both about 40. I met him in October 2011 through my job. It appeared he had lots of baggage - (baggage being, he was the custodial parent of 2 kids aged 7 - their mother lived in another state, he lived with HIS mother who appeared to be quite controlling by all accounts, he had just had a baby with a girl who was an fwb and she lived in another state, he was in debt with the IRS to his eyeballs which was to become knowledge to me later, and he lived an hour away from me and I don't drive!) Plenty of reasons and red flags to STAY AWAY!!! But what harm was a couple of dates? Fast forward 3 months, things began to get more serious, my daughter and I styed up there for weekends and his mother got increasingly nasty when she realized I was 'threat' - god knows why! I just wanted to get long with her. It got so bad I just didn't see how the relationship could continue, he got quite clingy and went all out to make me feel loved adored and cherished - he really was the dream boyfriend in that aspect! After promising me the world - ugh - we decided to move in together and did after 8 months and we 'blended'. The mother was not happy and hated me from that point and sabotaged us at every turn as she had done in his previous relationships and marriage. Anyway - I know I made a stupid mistake by moving so quickly, I know that now. I quit my job and moved to his town which is quite a rural-ish area. You need to drive up here! So I became the whole stay at home mom for the 3 kids, I didn't mind, but I started seeing the cracks in him almost immediately - he would shut down emotionally - never talked about anything that was bothering him -blew hot and cold on me all the time -kept secrets and kept me in the dark, even about insignificant irrelevant things -never really made an effort to gel or blend us all together as one unit -ignored me when I cried, said I was being ridiculous 3 different times he said he wasn't sure how he felt anymore - he didn't have the emotional capacity for a relationship, he was too stressed etc. He pulled this again in September (5 months after we moved to a different house after nearly getting evicted from the first!) I found a fantastic job up here in August and I thought he would be happy fro me but it seemed to cause him stress for some reason. I'm not going to say it was all terrible - some times it was wonderful but it was always when he wanted it to be, sex was always amazing, we couldn't keep our hands off each other (whether things were good or bad actually), then he would get really close and he would withdraw, I would back off and he would step forward again, I would step forward to meet him and of he went again!!! It was absolutely soul wrenching!! It was so hard fro me - I didn't know many people up here and all my family live in another country where I am from, I felt like I had no support whatsoever. By November it was clear to me he wasn't going to try and he couldn't and wouldn't make me happy and clearly was not the man I fell in love with. I couldn't take it and found a place for me and my daughter and we moved out in December. After a couple of weeks we started 'seeing' each other again as we missed each other etc, then 6 weeks after that he did it to me again!!! - 'don't want a relationship I want to be on my own' (by the way when I moved out his mother moved in to 'help' and stayed 3 months until he got his own place with the kids 2 weeks ago!) I was devastated AGAIN!! but he is still around, it seems he is having a hard time letting me go and is now using me for sex, security, love, ego stroking - I am not saying he is doing it consciously but basically I have been holding his hand throughout this break up and I have been so incredibly hurt - my self esteem is in the toilet!! there is so much more to all this but this is a brief as I could keep it without losing major points of the story. Be gentle with me please but someone knock some effin sense into me please!!!! I am a bright intelligent girl but my heart just does not want to compute what my head is telling it!!! wtf is wrong with me, how can I be so sad over losing the most damaging relationship I have ever had
Deltablues Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 At some point the pain of disappointment in the relationship will come to the aid of your rational side and give you the strength to do what's right for you. It's very difficult to leave someone you love, particularly when the physical chemistry is strong. But you will get there (again). And it will hurt, as you will remember the good things in your relationship and will miss the physical and will be lonely. But you will regain your self-esteem, your friends will tell you you've made the right decision, and with time, you'll be available for someone else. One day, you will look back and commend yourself.
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