letsplaygofish2 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 (edited) I'm here to vent a bit and hopefully get some "I told you so's". I was on LS last year when my boyfriend very abruptly moved out from what I now see as an act of cowardice. The man was broke, unemployed and going through a bit of depression when I taught him my line of work (tech field) and introduced him to my clients. When it came down to the wire, instead of showing everyone that he was capable, he opted to freak out on everyone and abandoned me at the 11th hour. I paid him for his work, he paid me by running away and blaming me. Needless to say, I was heartbroken but still in love. I ended up taking him back this year because his room mate killed himself. I thought that my ex would change for the better and realize that you must live responsibly and treat everyone with kindness, because deep down you never know what everyone is going through. I saw through my anger and developed compassion, kindness and forgiveness. After a few weeks of dating, he refused to acknowledge the relationship and disregarded all cues for intimacy. I was frustrated, having given him everything including my heart. I was honest, told him I was in love but he was treating me with disrespect. Instead of apologizing, he just left me alone. Fast forward this week, he demands that I transfer his website for him. I demanded a bit of humanity, at least to apologize for treating me with such great disrespect. Nothing. And to that tit-for-tat scenario, he threatened to sue me. Wow, sue me! This was not the first time. Now I'm putting together the pieces. He was broke, unemployed, very few close friends, estranged from family, blamed everyone, never apologized, was self-entitled, self-righteous, immature and a true coward. Why didn't I see it the first time? I feel stupid, ignorant, ashamed that I allowed myself to date someone like that; a loser, perhaps? I also recognize that I fell into rescuer syndrome, someone who rescues others in order to satisfy some childhood inadequacy. Anyway, long rant. It's over. I'm done and tired. I feel used and emotionally abused... I wish I had listed to everyone here. Edited March 19, 2014 by letsplaygofish2
melell Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 But the lesson was a valuable one. It is the same sort of lesson I had to learn myself, spending my late teens and early 20's with someone who had a drug problem, and displayed a few of the traits you mentioned. Loving someone, then compassion, kindness, and the like, it opened the door for rescuing behavior-and that is what it became. I am glad I experienced it, because I see people older than me falling into the same patterns because they had never experienced it before- so at least now you know. There are heaps of reasons for people acting that way though, it doesn't necessarily mean they are bad people, and they might see it entirely different than you do, have underlying issues, haven't matured enough, or be completely justified in some way; I think it is important not to be too quick to give up empathy/compassion and declare 'villain'. You are wiser for it regardless.
Author letsplaygofish2 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 You make a good point. I am wiser indeed! Going forward I am going to date slowly and make sure to meet their friends, listen to my gut instinct and perhaps some professional background checking. One year down the toilet.. oh well!
Author letsplaygofish2 Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 OK change in plan. This is what LS is for, right? I had a come to jesus moment when I realized that I blew my ex off on Monday to discuss what had gone wrong in the relationship. I was in a place of sadness, hurt and anger on Monday. Come Wednesday, I had dinner with 2 friends who are/have gone through huge divorces and their ex's are both sociopaths. Needless to say, I went on a rant that my ex was also a sociopath. That same night on Wednesday, I sat starry-eyed, wide awake with the horror of what my mind had done to me. I went from angry, to blaming, to then feeling tremendous amount of guilt because I never gave him the chance to speak to me on Monday. So yesterday, Thursday, I recanted and called a truce. We spoke at great length, he forgives me for being difficult and indicated that it was over. Of course, I'm still heartbroken because I truly did love him (and still do). So here I am, wide awake again today and I can't help but feel like I messed up. Long story short, we broke up because he was not in a good place in his life, no career, no direction, no self confidence. I helped him transition into another career, but instead he blamed me when his self-esteem issues came up. We reconciled twice, but I was still upset or he was upset. We weren't in a good place. During our conversation today, we both agreed that we cared about each other deeply. He's currently going out with someone (been 2 weeks?) but I know he's not sleeping with her because... let's say we gave each other gifts. I'm confused. I know I should move on, probably go into no-contact. But I fell HARD for this guy, enough to believe that when he got his act together we could have been perfect. Sigh... what do I do? Will he ever come back?
Author letsplaygofish2 Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 I also read that guys who move on very quickly do so because it means that they cared A LOT and deeply. We talked about our relationship and he agreed that he did care about me a great deal. I'm wide awake, didn't have dinner last night and feel sick.
Survivor12 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 OK change in plan. This is what LS is for, right? I had a come to jesus moment when I realized that I blew my ex off on Monday to discuss what had gone wrong in the relationship. I was in a place of sadness, hurt and anger on Monday. Come Wednesday, I had dinner with 2 friends who are/have gone through huge divorces and their ex's are both sociopaths. Needless to say, I went on a rant that my ex was also a sociopath. That same night on Wednesday, I sat starry-eyed, wide awake with the horror of what my mind had done to me. I went from angry, to blaming, to then feeling tremendous amount of guilt because I never gave him the chance to speak to me on Monday. So yesterday, Thursday, I recanted and called a truce. We spoke at great length, he forgives me for being difficult and indicated that it was over. Of course, I'm still heartbroken because I truly did love him (and still do). So here I am, wide awake again today and I can't help but feel like I messed up. Long story short, we broke up because he was not in a good place in his life, no career, no direction, no self confidence. I helped him transition into another career, but instead he blamed me when his self-esteem issues came up. We reconciled twice, but I was still upset or he was upset. We weren't in a good place. During our conversation today, we both agreed that we cared about each other deeply. He's currently going out with someone (been 2 weeks?) but I know he's not sleeping with her because... let's say we gave each other gifts. I'm confused. I know I should move on, probably go into no-contact. But I fell HARD for this guy, enough to believe that when he got his act together we could have been perfect. Sigh... what do I do? Will he ever come back? He may come back, but things will never be perfect. I'm sorry, but the guy threatened to SUE YOU! You've broken up twice for GOOD reasons. The dynamic in your relationship is already set. You're the mommy and he's an ungrateful spoiled brat with a huge sense of entitlement. If he didn't care enough for you when you broke up the first time and doesn't seem to care much this time (if he did, he wouldn't have a girlfriend)--it's not likely he's going to in the future. Of course, that's not to say he won't be back. He's proved himself to be an opportunist so if he finds himself in need of what you can give him, he'll be back. Cut yourself loose, my friend. Don't waste another minute waiting for things to be different.
Author letsplaygofish2 Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 You are right, he did threaten to sue me twice. But I knew without a doubt that the guy had no capability to sue me because he can't even afford to feed himself. We talked about this in great length, yes he's not in a good place. The guy is so poor that he put himself of a budget of $20/week for food which means he has to buy items on-sale and cook. I feel bad for him, so yes I understand why he would have threatened me because he has absolutely nothing and the silly website represented his dignity and ego. Yes, I was the mommy and he was the child, but our relationship/dynamic was beyond belief. All of our friends thought we were going to get married, we were the type of couple that made everyone else want to puke a little because we were so cute. I just wish we had met in a different time. I'm going to work on myself a lot... but deep down I wish for reconciliation.
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