hermitinator Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I have been in this relationship for almost three years. It has been on-and-off, but not more than three weeks - mostly on my part. He is completely happy in the relationship and with me. We have had talk about living together and small conversation about marriage. For me, I constantly question if we are compatible, but he is someone that I want in my life. I feel that we are going through different perspectives in life. He is still attempting to get his Associates and talks transferring to a four-year college as well as a Directing career. I graduated college last May and got a PT job at a Veterinary Clinic in November. When I first started my job, he would complain that I could not consume as much alcohol as I used to be able to and that I was too tired. This in itself was a transition for me, from college to the adult world. He is still in the college-mode: procrastinates on school assignments, talks the dream of being a Director and drinks on the week night. I support him as much as I can, on his dream, but sometimes I feel that I slip. I am focusing on different things in life than he is. In two - three weeks, I will be moving into my first apartment. I feel that he is some ways is a child and I am attempting to transition into the adult world. Throughout our relationship, we have had a hard time communicating. If there was a tornado in our relationship, he would avoid it. With consumption of alcohol. There have been times like this, where I have to press on him. I feel like I am the unsatisfied one in the relationship because he is perfectly okay brushing over the disagreements or disatisfactions, even if he admits to some. Love language-wise, I feel that he is interrupting me or talking over me. I have talked to him about this and even if he acknowledges that he does these things, he continues to do them. What is important to me in a relationship is communication and openness and the fact that we can't give each other this, is an incompatibility in the relationship. Last weekend, he off-handedly, pointed out that I will have to accept him for who he is - his bad parts and his good parts. I don't think I have been doing this. I have been suggesting change from him. Because he never suggests his unhappiness in the relationship, it seems that I am always the one who is unsatisfied in the relationship. In other ways, I feel that I am delusional in ignoring greater flaws of his. Such as his alcoholism, which he continually tells me he is one. Am I unconsciously ignoring that this is a deal breaker? In the past, when we would go out, I would restrict both of us to two drinks at the most, but we would slowly transition to the old ways because occasionally I wanted to indulge when I had a hard work week. It has come to the point that I am settling because this is a healthy and comfortable relationship. We are compatible, he is wonderful to me (cooks) and gives me the space to be introverted without intruding or attempting to reinforce extroversion into my way of looking into myself. But there are obvious problems in the relationship that have not been resolved.
freetolove Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 find an adult to be with unless you are okay with him not making a decent wage for a while. nothing wrong it with, but you have to figure out what you can deal with and tolerate. i personally would rather be with someone who'a already established in career (me being someone in mid 30s) it would be different it I was 20.
FitChick Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Besides being a Drinker, he is a Dreamer and you need a Doer.
soccerrprp Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 As a man, I get dismayed at the lengths so many women will go into denial for a man that DOESN'T have his act together and then come out damaged, jaded to be unleashed on other guys who are "together." hermitinator, your post is depressing example of this. you say all of this and turn around and say that the relationship is healthy and comfortable. no it's not, otherwise you wouldn't be posting about how it's not! 2
Author hermitinator Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 Besides being a Drinker, he is a Dreamer and you need a Doer. Thank you for your reply. This is a perfect way to explain my situation. When we first started dating, I still had two more years in college and so our life styles and goals were the same. He was a Dreamer and still is, but in college, that is what I was attracted to, but now I am looking for a man who in some small way can support me (ie. take me out).
Author hermitinator Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 As a man, I get dismayed at the lengths so many women will go into denial for a man that DOESN'T have his act together and then come out damaged, jaded to be unleashed on other guys who are "together." hermitinator, your post is depressing example of this. you say all of this and turn around and say that the relationship is healthy and comfortable. no it's not, otherwise you wouldn't be posting about how it's not! I understand, acknowledge and know that I make excuses for him. I see the patterns in my relationship. I wanted to write out a description of my relationship that was not one-sided, but showed that we do have a well-rounded relationship - arguably. In any case, it is very one-sided because my significant other has a different opinion of the relationship than I do. I understand what you are saying and thank you.
Author hermitinator Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 find an adult to be with unless you are okay with him not making a decent wage for a while. nothing wrong it with, but you have to figure out what you can deal with and tolerate. i personally would rather be with someone who'a already established in career (me being someone in mid 30s) it would be different it I was 20. I want him to turn into an adult. In a sense, I am hoping that he grows up in the relationship. At one point, I realized that I wanted to be with him, but that his flaws were deal breakers. We had a two-week break where he realized he wanted to be with me. We made a list of all these changes, but like I had expected, we went back to how things used to be. So I am back to where I used to be: wanting him to be a man that he can't be. What makes it even better is that he has a criminal record so it is almost impossible for him to find a job unless the employer doesn't do background checks.
Emilia Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 OP, can I ask about your family background? Are your parents divorced? Does either of them drink?
soccerrprp Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I want him to turn into an adult. In a sense, I am hoping that he grows up in the relationship. At one point, I realized that I wanted to be with him, but that his flaws were deal breakers. We had a two-week break where he realized he wanted to be with me. We made a list of all these changes, but like I had expected, we went back to how things used to be. So I am back to where I used to be: wanting him to be a man that he can't be. What makes it even better is that he has a criminal record so it is almost impossible for him to find a job unless the employer doesn't do background checks. Don't do this to yourself...please.
StanMusial Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Do you make enough money to support the both of you? That might be what it takes to make this relationship work.
soccerrprp Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Do you make enough money to support the both of you? That might be what it takes to make this relationship work. StanMusial, you have to be joking here, right?
Author hermitinator Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 I am going to give effort in this relationship. I called him last night and was planning to break up with him, but was washy about it. We are going to look into couples therapy.
Author hermitinator Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 OP, can I ask about your family background? Are your parents divorced? Does either of them drink? I am adopted from Russia so I don't have this kind of information. In my family currently, both of my parents don't drink. My mom does, but she has a glass of wine a night. I was raised in a very clean and healthy environment from the age of 9.
Emilia Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I am adopted from Russia so I don't have this kind of information. In my family currently, both of my parents don't drink. My mom does, but she has a glass of wine a night. I was raised in a very clean and healthy environment from the age of 9. I don't know what it's like to be adopted but I know what it's like to have a parent walk out on you at a young age. OP, I think you should look into why you are hanging onto such a dysfunctional relationship, I think your childhood plays a large part in it. Our attachment and views on relationships form at an early age, much before the age of 9.
Author hermitinator Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 [edited] Last night, I attempted to break up with him. He always has a way of persuading me not to. And I was going to purchase books and invest in couples therapy, but the morning of, I realized that I was fooling myself. With shame, I told him my feelings through a text message. Only because I know he has a way of making me rethink important decision and this is a decision that I have to make for myself without his influence. 3
Author hermitinator Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 I don't know what it's like to be adopted but I know what it's like to have a parent walk out on you at a young age. OP, I think you should look into why you are hanging onto such a dysfunctional relationship, I think your childhood plays a large part in it. Our attachment and views on relationships form at an early age, much before the age of 9. Thank you and I will look into this. 1
soccerrprp Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 [edited] Last night, I attempted to break up with him. He always has a way of persuading me not to. And I was going to purchase books and invest in couples therapy, but the morning of, I realized that I was fooling myself. With shame, I told him my feelings through a text message. Only because I know he has a way of making me rethink important decision and this is a decision that I have to make for myself without his influence. No shame. Manipulators have a way of convincing/persuading you to do otherwise. I have a friend who was in a relationship with a guy for years. Almost from the start, he was bad for her, but for years she kept going back, waiting, hoping he would change. He kept promising, pleading and she kept taking him back....now, she's free, but damaged from it all. Lost, wasted years of her life. Everyone else saw it, well, everyone except her mother, and so she continued with him...sad, but happier days now that she's finally broken free. 1
Author hermitinator Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 No shame. Manipulators have a way of convincing/persuading you to do otherwise. I have a friend who was in a relationship with a guy for years. Almost from the start, he was bad for her, but for years she kept going back, waiting, hoping he would change. He kept promising, pleading and she kept taking him back....now, she's free, but damaged from it all. Lost, wasted years of her life. Everyone else saw it, well, everyone except her mother, and so she continued with him...sad, but happier days now that she's finally broken free. A part of me feels that I am chickening out of a great relationship that needs to be worked on, but there are things that I can't work with him, but that he has to work on by himself because they are personal struggles. I understand that. I will take this opportunity to also analyze and focus on my own flaws as to better understand why this relationship had the potential to blossom in the beginning, but then drowned.
soccerrprp Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) A part of me feels that I am chickening out of a great relationship that needs to be worked on, but there are things that I can't work with him, but that he has to work on by himself because they are personal struggles. I understand that. I will take this opportunity to also analyze and focus on my own flaws as to better understand why this relationship had the potential to blossom in the beginning, but then drowned. My friend and countless other women (especially) have it ingrained that they should plow through trouble (not chicken out) in relationships where they are the ones getting short-changed. I think it comes from centuries of societal conditioning and the natural inclination to be the nurturer-type. But, imho, looking back on women's history, society status, it did not serve them happily. In some ways, you are going against your instinct, nature, but that's not always bad. In cases of relationships, especially when you are doing more than your partner, it is good. We all deserve to be happy in this only life we are given. Far too often, we, ourselves, are the biggest obstacle to that happiness or chance there of. Edited March 20, 2014 by soccerrprp
FitChick Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 If you think you have a 'great relationship' with this guy, imagine how wonderful it would be with another guy who has those same good qualities but NONE of the bad ones. Perhaps you feel you don't deserve someone that wonderful. Your boyfriend is planning to have you support him for the rest of his life. No wonder he is manipulating you to stay. He's got a great deal. 1
soccerrprp Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) If you think you have a 'great relationship' with this guy, imagine how wonderful it would be with another guy who has those same good qualities but NONE of the bad ones. Perhaps you feel you don't deserve someone that wonderful. Your boyfriend is planning to have you support him for the rest of his life. No wonder he is manipulating you to stay. He's got a great deal. Holy bat-tirds, Batman! Yes, i agree. My friend was in a situation where this guy was leeching off her for years. Promised to get a decent job, begged to not leave him, made excuses, became depressed, questionable mental illness, but shifty and manipulative enough to make her feel guilty, bad about leaving. He did this for years and she bought it...for years! You've been dating for 3-years...how many more do you think you would have tolerated? You remind me of her in so many ways. If I were your friend, I would have kicked your ass and dropped an anvil on your head to leave him. I would have made it happen long ago.... BTW, had to go through someething like this with my own sister. She's out and found someone better. But the first serious sign of manipulation, etc. and you better believe I will be by her side kicking her ass and dropping anvils... Edited March 20, 2014 by soccerrprp
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 He sounds a bit immature. Though rather than just walk out on the guy and leave him in the dust, at least give him a chance. Lay your hand out on the table. Tell him what you want out of the relationship. That you're not happy. That his drinking has become a problem. If he cares about you and the relationship he will take the steps to change for the better. But... don't settle and don't be manipulated. If he changes just slightly (but not significantly) and leaves you hanging on with statements of "oh but I'm trying.. can't you see that I'm trying.." well, if that starts to happen, then leave him. Don't waste your time giving him a long time to fix himself. Give him a chance but if he doesn't take the opportunity seriously, you just gotta move on.
soccerrprp Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 He sounds a bit immature. Though rather than just walk out on the guy and leave him in the dust, at least give him a chance. Lay your hand out on the table. Tell him what you want out of the relationship. That you're not happy. That his drinking has become a problem. If he cares about you and the relationship he will take the steps to change for the better. But... don't settle and don't be manipulated. If he changes just slightly (but not significantly) and leaves you hanging on with statements of "oh but I'm trying.. can't you see that I'm trying.." well, if that starts to happen, then leave him. Don't waste your time giving him a long time to fix himself. Give him a chance but if he doesn't take the opportunity seriously, you just gotta move on. I'm sorry, but did you read the entire original post? They have been together for 3-years, up AND down, etc. How much more time or chances do you think will suffice?
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I'm sorry, but did you read the entire original post? They have been together for 3-years, up AND down, etc. How much more time or chances do you think will suffice? I just got the vibe that OP has never once put her foot down on his stuff. like she would just casually complain here and there.
Author hermitinator Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) I just got the vibe that OP has never once put her foot down on his stuff. like she would just casually complain here and there. First of all, this is insulting. I am logical in relationships, more or less. Technically speaking, I have given him chances about three times. We sat down, multiple times, writing down what we can improve as a couple in the relationship. I have brought up all the problems of the relationship countless times, to the point that I feel like I am a broken record. Edited March 20, 2014 by hermitinator
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