Extremely Conflicted -- Need Clarification, !

[TheyCallMeOx]

Brace yourselves.

 

Some of you may know that I had a "first love" breakup in the beginning of last October. To some people, 5-6 months ago wasn't a long time ago. During the recovery process, I came across a woman who was initially willing to settle for a FWB. However, over time, this same woman eventually fell in love with me. During the deterioration of that FWB, I began to ask myself question:

 

What is my next course of action?

 

Should I pursue another FWB? Should I try to get into a relationship? Should I stay single?

 

I spent a good bit trying to figure out what I should do -- eventually, I came to the conclusion that I was still very much in pain from heart break, and that I was in no position to start dating. I confidently chose to stop the pursuit of women for any occasion because I truly wanted to take the time to try and heal my own wounds. During the time of being single, I focused on several things:

 

1. Moving on from my past (breakup)
   
2. Learning to love myself
   
3. My future
   

 

The first one is pretty self-explanatory. I was devastated from the breakup, still had a lot of feelings for my ex-girlfriend, and it would've complicated my interactions with women (sexually or non-sexually). Learning to love myself was also very important because if I had not learned to love myself, I probably would still be contemplating suicide and depressing things like that. Also, I'm not the kind of guy that makes the best decisions. I do have an associate's degree, but I'm off track academically. I live with my grand-parents, and I'm 23 years old. With all the bills that I pay, I don't make a whole lot of money considering I do phyiscal labor at almost 13 dollars an hour working part time. I'm a very wonderful person, very capable of being an outstanding boyfriend, but if I was a woman...those reasons might prevent me in having a very successful relationship. I wouldn't want to bring that kind of a burden on a woman. Although I'm a great guy, IMO, I'm a little bit misguided. My ex-girlfriend partially broke up with me because of my misguidedness, and I didn't want to recreate something like that.

 

I vowed to myself that I wouldn't have anymore interactions with women, for any reason, until January of 2015. I felt that would give me plenty of time to fix what I need to fix, and then I could be ready for a relationship again by next year. I felt very confident in my decision because I had three very big reasons NOT to get into a relationship. However, since then, I've learned to love myself. Also, I feel that I'm in a position where I'm over my ex-girlfriend, that I'm emotionally able to handle a new relationship, and I can move on with my life. Essentially, those 2 out of 3 reasons are gone. The only reason why I'm not going back into dating now is because I'm still misguided. Still a big reason, I'm sure most women would agree, but compared to the reasons that it used to be...I feel like it's not justified.

 

A part of me feels that I'm depriving myself, but another part of me feels that I really gotta fix it if I want to consider dating again. Sometimes I feel like if a woman isn't interested because of my misguidedness, that's fine, but I'm sure I could find a woman who doesn't really mind. After all, if you love someone...wouldn't you be willing to sacrifice? However, sometimes I feel like a woman deserves a man who has his s*** together, and even though she may not initially mind...she probably will down the road. If it can happen with my ex, it can happen with any woman.

 

I'm conflicted on what I should do, at this point. I need some guidance. Will you help me, please?

[TheyCallMeOx]

Not a single response? C'mon people...

[CarrieT]

You set yourself up this arbitrary date of January 2015 when you believe you will be miraculously healed and ready to start the process again of potential relationships.

 

The heart doesn't work like that.

 

For starters, I believe getting involved with FWB is fraught with potential problems - some of which you have already learned about.

 

Don't have sex with people just to get your rocks off unless you are 100% completely healed and able to do so with the understanding that your heart and their heart will not get hurt. For most, it can't happen.

 

What do you feel you need to fix? If you believe you can't be involved with someone while you fix these things, than DO THAT = stay away from women.

 

I personally believe that "fixing one's self" is a lifelong process that can be done while dating/relationships. It is part of growing and being honest within a relationship that people change - sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst.

[IMJUSTONE]

You set yourself up this arbitrary date of January 2015 when you believe you will be miraculously healed and ready to start the process again of potential relationships.

 

The heart doesn't work like that.

 

For starters, I believe getting involved with FWB is fraught with potential problems - some of which you have already learned about.

 

Don't have sex with people just to get your rocks off unless you are 100% completely healed and able to do so with the understanding that your heart and their heart will not get hurt. For most, it can't happen.

 

What do you feel you need to fix? If you believe you can't be involved with someone while you fix these things, than DO THAT = stay away from women.

 

I personally believe that "fixing one's self" is a lifelong process that can be done while dating/relationships. It is part of growing and being honest within a relationship that people change - sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst.

 

Yep. Carrie knows her stuff. She helped me last fall through some tough s**t. (I was RBLL before) I can completely relate to your situation. I'm in much the same boat, although I'm lots older and have fewer years left, so it's much more urgent for me. I can't waste a single day. I have to deal with the hurt while hoping to find a FWB. I refuse to live the rest of my life the way I did until now, on the sidelines. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Hang in there, the "fixing" is a lifelong deal.