Author Jllbcb Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 I'm new here, and surely can't compete with the likes of TaraMaiden. That said, I couldn't help respond. I am in the position of your OW. Only I've received the letter (nearly identical) many times. Calls, texts, smoke signals. I have been seen as cold hearted, no hearted, stone hearted, heart*less*, soul-less, uncaring, unfeeling, mean...and yes, HAPPY. REALLY HAPPY. She's behaving like this because she does love you. Shares all of those same feelings you describe. She also loves her children, has caused her family AND HERSELF huge heartache, feels tremendous guilt, and wants to do the right thing. She's confused and struggles every day. She keeps smiling because that is what people have always expected of her. (She has had a beautiful life and NO ONE would have dreamt her capable of this.) She also keeps going, keeps smiling so that she doesn't COMPLETELY CRACK UP. This heartbreaking, devastating situation has stripped her of the fear of death. The letter, send it or don't. As others have said, please don't hope for a positive response. She can't give you the closure you are looking for, that has to come from within. That's what she tells herself daily, anyway. Jllbcb, my heart hurts for you. I hope you find some peace through it all. I have to believe it gets better. Wow. This was so incredible. Still can't believe That's true but I really appreciate you posting this It really was so honest. It almost took my breath Away. Thank you. A million times over 2
txgrl Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Who are you??!! I'm sure your post brought tears to many eyes , mine included . 1
KaliLove Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I'm new here, and surely can't compete with the likes of TaraMaiden. That said, I couldn't help respond. I am in the position of your OW. Only I've received the letter (nearly identical) many times. Calls, texts, smoke signals. I have been seen as cold hearted, no hearted, stone hearted, heart*less*, soul-less, uncaring, unfeeling, mean...and yes, HAPPY. REALLY HAPPY. She's behaving like this because she does love you. Shares all of those same feelings you describe. She also loves her children, has caused her family AND HERSELF huge heartache, feels tremendous guilt, and wants to do the right thing. She's confused and struggles every day. She keeps smiling because that is what people have always expected of her. (She has had a beautiful life and NO ONE would have dreamt her capable of this.) She also keeps going, keeps smiling so that she doesn't COMPLETELY CRACK UP. This heartbreaking, devastating situation has stripped her of the fear of death. The letter, send it or don't. As others have said, please don't hope for a positive response. She can't give you the closure you are looking for, that has to come from within. That's what she tells herself daily, anyway. Jllbcb, my heart hurts for you. I hope you find some peace through it all. I have to believe it gets better. I don't want to thread jack but would really like to know your story, perhaps in a thread of your own. 1
Author Jllbcb Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Who are you??!! I'm sure your post brought tears to many eyes , mine included . Ditto- that was just incredible!
Author Jllbcb Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 I don't want to thread jack but would really like to know your story, perhaps in a thread of your own. greeneydgirl- can I hear your backstory if you wish to share it?
greeneydgrl Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Aww..you guys are so lovely. I never expected such kind words. I will very much consider sharing "backstory". Players involved are somewhat high profile, if I can get around that I'm an open book and love the camaraderie here. Dealing with real life at the moment, not completely competent or confident about starting new thread tmrw, but I will do my very best! 1
still_an_Angel Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Thank you for that, it was beautiful... i share your views and experiences being the OW but could not have expressed it like that... i would love to hear your story too.
KaliLove Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Aww..you guys are so lovely. I never expected such kind words. I will very much consider sharing "backstory". Players involved are somewhat high profile, if I can get around that I'm an open book and love the camaraderie here. Dealing with real life at the moment, not completely competent or confident about starting new thread tmrw, but I will do my very best! So..you're a serial side piece? 1
eye of the storm Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Greeneydgirl is telling you what you want to hear. We would all love to think the person we are having an A with (or used to be in an A with) truly loves us and just can't be with us for all the many reasons they like to say and we love to hear. Because if that's not true, then we are foolish. We felt pain and upended our lives for someone who doesn't care and never did. The facts are this. You don't know the facts. She may act happy because she is happy. She may act happy because she is a good faker. She may act happy because she found your replacement. You don't know. You will never know. Because even if you ask, she may lie. You will have to learn to accept what you do know, which is the A is over, and move on. I will tell you this (as both a BS and an OW) if you are still pining for the OW, do your BS a favor and end things. Your BS deserves better than to be married to someone who is willing to debase himself groveling for another woman. 7
krazikat Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 The email itself is a seperate issue. No one knows My backstory that well of how the relationship played out We did see each other on a limited basis but we did Spend time together I don't think we saw it the same. I think I was more invested But that is true in most relationship breakups But we did say ILY multiple times I Have appreciated everyone's advice on here. Except for yours. Do me a favor and dont comment again im not interested in your advice. NC is difficult For anyone that has been thru it. EAs and PA both take an emotional Toll. I read and reread yellows comments...can't figure out why you popped off at her like that? I understand you are in a fragile state right now but perhaps taking a deep breath and considering why the suggestion that you didn't know ow that long/well triggered you that severely? She is right...a ldr is much different from an in person all the time type r...you have only seen a limited part of her. Not questioning your feelings at all...clearly they are strong...but why are you so defensive? 2
greeneydgrl Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 It's not that I was saying "What he wanted to hear." This is simply one scenario. This is why I HAVE been and AM cold to someone I cared deeply for. Trying to do the right thing, loving one's family...If you can make them go away by being a seemingly awful person, it's easier than admitting what is perhaps the truth. I'm not suggesting it's the healthiest or most mature behavior. Neither is having an affair, or falling in love with someone else while married. I certainly never thought I'd find myself in such a situation. :/ The OP is brave to post here and I feel deserves support. 1
Author Jllbcb Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 It's not that I was saying "What he wanted to hear." This is simply one scenario. This is why I HAVE been and AM cold to someone I cared deeply for. Trying to do the right thing, loving one's family...If you can make them go away by being a seemingly awful person, it's easier than admitting what is perhaps the truth. I'm not suggesting it's the healthiest or most mature behavior. Neither is having an affair, or falling in love with someone else while married. I certainly never thought I'd find myself in such a situation. :/ The OP is brave to post here and I feel deserves support. Feel the same way. As does my xAP. Never In a million years did we think we would be in this Situation. It is so soul crushing in many ways And yet I still miss her every day. Btw. Thanks For posting your story. Was very helpful !
rumbleseat Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 OP, Something to keep in mind about her. You say she has so many wonderful traits, she's such a great person, etc. All of that may be true, but keep in mind that this same person is the one causing you so much pain right now. That is a big part of her too. 1
rumbleseat Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 The email itself is a seperate issue. No one knows My backstory that well of how the relationship played out We did see each other on a limited basis but we did Spend time together I don't think we saw it the same. I think I was more invested But that is true in most relationship breakups But we did say ILY multiple times I Have appreciated everyone's advice on here. Except for yours. Do me a favor and dont comment again im not interested in your advice. NC is difficult For anyone that has been thru it. EAs and PA both take an emotional Toll. That's the thing " I love you" is just words. Words are cheap, very cheap. Action is costly. Instead of clinging to her words, look at her actions. Even if she does love you, what does that really mean in the grand scheme of your life? 2
rumbleseat Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 That's the thing " I love you" is just words. Words are cheap, very cheap. Action is costly. Instead of clinging to her words, look at her actions. Even if she does love you, what does that really mean in the grand scheme of your life? Sorry. One more thought. Right now, you have all the information about her feelings for you that you are likely ever going to get, and you'll have to find some way to make peace with that. Your reality is that right now you have some very tough choices to make. You are m, and you need to find some way to move on in your life, whether that be staying in your M or asking for a D. My best advice to you is to try and take an objective look at the A relationship for what it was, mourn your loss and find your way forward. 1
movingon45 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 (edited) My OW was same way. That's why it was always on again, off again. But, since we were best friends and had other areas of interest that kept us together - we could turn on the platonic friendship and go back to that at anytime. We had always promised each other that no matter what, we would remain friends. We never got mad at each other either and talked everyday. It was bound to work out in the end - and it has. But, since you are married, the email doesn't come off quite as weak. However, I still would drop the validations. Don't you agree? How did you pull that off - being friends after the A? OP, I'm sorry for asking this from another poster! But to answer your post, I wish I received that email from my ExMOM, but I agree with others that you are probably seeking closure and sadly it really comes from oneself, not from others. I feel your pain. Sorry. Edited March 22, 2014 by movingon45 threadjacking? 1
ZMM Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 How did you pull that off - being friends after the A? All I can say is - we were very good friends before A. I would say best friends. We both have a love for a certain activity that we are heavily involved in. We both are on the same level in that activity and we came up together to where we are now, somewhat well-known and accomplished in that area. Before we started A, we both really valued our friendship. We discussed what could happen and made certain agreements to make sure our friendship would remain intact, no matter what. It required a certain level of maturity and a certain acceptance of the other person. That's all I can say, and thus far it has worked. And we never really had any close calls. I mean we have been upset with each other, and both of us have had our feelings hurt. But, we never let things stew. We always worked it out very quickly - usually within 24 hours. I think what it boils down to is, we both sincerely want the other to be happy, regardless. And we know that as long as we are always good friends, there is no end. Does that make any sense to you?
movingon45 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 All I can say is - we were very good friends before A. I would say best friends. We both have a love for a certain activity that we are heavily involved in. We both are on the same level in that activity and we came up together to where we are now, somewhat well-known and accomplished in that area. Before we started A, we both really valued our friendship. We discussed what could happen and made certain agreements to make sure our friendship would remain intact, no matter what. It required a certain level of maturity and a certain acceptance of the other person. That's all I can say, and thus far it has worked. And we never really had any close calls. I mean we have been upset with each other, and both of us have had our feelings hurt. But, we never let things stew. We always worked it out very quickly - usually within 24 hours. I think what it boils down to is, we both sincerely want the other to be happy, regardless. And we know that as long as we are always good friends, there is no end. Does that make any sense to you? It does. Thanks for taking the time to respond. So you just ignore the sexual tension because probably it's still there ? I'm asking because I want the same thing.
ZMM Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 (edited) It does. Thanks for taking the time to respond. So you just ignore the sexual tension because probably it's still there ? I'm asking because I want the same thing. Yes, pretty much. We had to set some rules at various times, everything was always open to discussion and rules can be changed as situations dictate. For example, maybe no sex talk, no touching, only see each other in public places, no drinking, etc. Some would not call this friendship. Some would call it an EA. I don't really care, that is just some made up label. Also be aware, it could turn back into something more - but that would only be if both parties agree. It really does require that both people really care about the others well being and not just from the viewpoint of how it impacts them. For us, NC and never seeing each other again was not an option either one of us was willing to accept. OP - we will move this to PM, should movingon45 wish to continue the conversation - sorry for the mini-threadjack. movingon45 - Feel free to PM me if you have any more questions. Edited March 23, 2014 by ZMM 1
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