LilySun Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Had a great date. Very nice and good looking guy. I almost had that "love at 1st sight feeling". Both in our 30's. We had been talking before meeting and had good chemistry this whole time. The chemistry was still there at the date. He asked me out again and I said yes. But there is a BUT. During the date he tells me about a non-cancerous tumor on his spinal cord. It is growing and pressing on his nerves. He has seen several Neuro surgeons who evaluate him, then won't take him on as a patient, due to the risks I assume. Surgery could cause paralysis. The tumor alone can cause this as well. All the doctors told him he should be having loss of bladder control, etc, by now...but he isn't having any of these things, except for lack of feeling in one of his legs. This poor guy is looking at some serious problems in the near future. Maybe even looking at a life cut short. Something is wrong if the surgeons are refusing to mess with it. I'm no stranger to those with special needs or paralysis. I have taken care of them many times in field. But to have emotional attachment with someone like this...to try and have a happy relationship with a paralyzed person...I just don't know if I want to get myself involved...for sake of not getting hurt, mostly. At the same time, I like this guy. I haven't met someone new in a really long time. I don't meet new men so often What would you do? I am scared of losing someone. I am scared for him. Yet maybe I am trying to give up to soon..
preraph Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 He's going to have to risk surgery. I would tell him he needs to get his issue resolved before you'd want to get in deep in a relationship. Any man with a brain can understand that. It's really not fair to enter a relationship right now. Probably he just doesn't want to have surgery, and if he doesn't things will only get worse. I have an old friend who ignored a tumor the size of an orange for 20 years until it could have killed her. She just didn't want to think about it. This is not someone you want to plan a future with. You want someone who deals with his problems and gets his ducks in a row before looking for a mate. 4
Gaeta Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 This poor guy is looking at some serious problems in the near future. In a near future? Then why is he dating? This is no time to be investing himself in a relationship, he should prioritize his condition, search for a treatment and decide what kind of risk he's ready to take.
Author LilySun Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 He's going to have to risk surgery. I would tell him he needs to get his issue resolved before you'd want to get in deep in a relationship. Any man with a brain can understand that. It's really not fair to enter a relationship right now. Probably he just doesn't want to have surgery, and if he doesn't things will only get worse. I have an old friend who ignored a tumor the size of an orange for 20 years until it could have killed her. She just didn't want to think about it. This is not someone you want to plan a future with. You want someone who deals with his problems and gets his ducks in a row before looking for a mate. He wants surgery and wants help. But after evaluating him, the doctors suddenly say they don't take his insurance or send him elsewhere. He has tried 7 surgeons and has an appointment with yet another one as of now. So he is definitely not ignoring it.
Author LilySun Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 So even if you really like the person..you would bail?
soccerrprp Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 (edited) So even if you really like the person..you would bail? This is such a common and tragic mistake that people make...feeling obligated and responsible for the lives of someone who will ultimately influence how they live, breath, feel in an intimate way when they don't have to and shouldn't. I don't mean caring about other people's welfare, or those of whom you know, or friends, but I mean someone you're dating, so early in the relationship. Whether it's cancer or mental illness, one plays a very sad game by staying with someone b/c you feel unwarranted guilt. Too many people stay in relationships (for too long) that ultimately destroy them emotionally and physically at times. Our individual responsibility is to be as healthy for ourselves as possible, not take on the burdens of others that will only bring us down, making happiness less attainable. OP, it's too bad he's in this position. But, unfortunately, he's at fault for placing you in this uncomfortable position. He should know better than to put this potential, dramatic burden on another stranger as you are. The longer you stay, the more invested you and he become and when and if his health deteriorates, it will be vastly more difficult for you to leave and for him to let go. He needs to get his health in order before dating again. He already has some serious health issues... Edited March 19, 2014 by soccerrprp 2
Author LilySun Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 This is such a common and tragic mistake that people make...feeling obligated and responsible for the lives of someone who will ultimately influence how they live, breath, feel in an intimate way when they don't have to and shouldn't. I don't mean caring about other people's welfare, or those of whom you know, or friends, but I mean someone you're dating, so early in the relationship. Whether it's cancer or mental illness, one plays a very sad game by staying with someone b/c you feel unwarranted guilt. Too many people stay in relationships (for too long) that ultimately destroy them emotionally and physically at times. Our individual responsibility is to be as healthy for ourselves as possible, not take on the burdens of others that will only bring us down, making happiness less attainable. OP, it's too bad he's in this position. But, unfortunately, he's at fault for placing you in this uncomfortable position. He should know better than to put this potential, dramatic burden on another stranger as you are. You longer you stay, the more invested you and he become and when and if his health deteriorates, it will be vastly more difficult for you to leave and for him to let go. He needs to get his health in order before dating again. He already has some serious health issues... My dilemma isn't about guilt, though I do feel bad for him. My dilemma is that I really like him. I would stick around because I like him,.not because I have sympathy. So by doing that I would also be making a choice to face this in the future, with him. Part of me keeps thinking it may not turn out all that bad or get resolved...no one knows for sure yet. When telling me about this...I have the impression that he isn't fully aware of just how serious this could get. His attitude about it was kindof macho, like yeah well ya know,.no big deal. Or perhaps he is just very optimistic...I don't know. But I really like him
BlueIris Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 So even if you really like the person..you would bail? No, I wouldn’t bail. But if our relationship got more serious, I would talk to him about our trying our best to make decisions about the relationship without factoring in his medical condition. That part would be tough. But overall, good relationships with good people are worth lots of emotional risk for me. They’re too rare to pass up. 1
Gaeta Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 My dilemma isn't about guilt, though I do feel bad for him. My dilemma is that I really like him. You had ONE date with him, you do not know him, what is there to like? You see the image of a man that you find attractive, that is all. He is a stranger.
Author LilySun Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 You had ONE date with him, you do not know him, what is there to like? You see the image of a man that you find attractive, that is all. He is a stranger. We talked for 2 weeks, daily, before the 1st date. I had plenty reasons to like him before the date, and those reasons still remain after the fact. His looks are only 1 of the reasons. The 1st reason was how much he made me laugh during our talks. My physical attraction wasn't a sure thing until we met.
soccerrprp Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 My dilemma isn't about guilt, though I do feel bad for him. My dilemma is that I really like him. I would stick around because I like him,.not because I have sympathy. So by doing that I would also be making a choice to face this in the future, with him. Part of me keeps thinking it may not turn out all that bad or get resolved...no one knows for sure yet. For sure? Yes, there is a certainty already. He has a tumor. Doctors won't operate. It will get worse if nothing is done AND he already has symptoms...numbing of the leg. There is enough immediate certainty for you to make a sound, smart decision now. When telling me about this...I have the impression that he isn't fully aware of just how serious this could get. His attitude about it was kindof macho, like yeah well ya know,.no big deal. Or perhaps he is just very optimistic...I don't know. But I really like him Whatever he sounds like, he is either in denial or a fool. This is serious and will get worse if not treated. His optimism or denial will not take away from the fact that he has a serious condition that will affect you and the relationship. As we all know...he's practically a stranger. You are placing way too much "future" hope in someone you don't know.
Author LilySun Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 This is so scary, and sad. I haven't been too interested in hardly anyone in over a year and when I am, I get this .. Nor is it often that someone new is interested in me, too. A big part of me just doesn't want to throw in the towel right now. I keep thinking about how great our chemistry has been up to this point. We might still be considered strangers,.but the chemistry has been undeniably great since day 1. And today we are still texting as though nothing is different. I don't have a desire to stop contact with him. Perhaps in the end, I will have made a good friend and nothing more.I would like more time with him before making a solid decision about it all...another date or 2 anyway. It will be hard to walk away if I like him alot, but realize that is a good possibility.
Gaeta Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I can't wrap my mind around the fact this man is about to lose the ability to walk and use the bathroom on his own and he's on a dating website! Is he working? Does he have insurances? This man could be looking for a sugar mama.
J21 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 This man could be looking for a sugar mama. I think if he was looking for a sugar mama he would've kept the injury thing hidden.
soccerrprp Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 This is so scary, and sad. I haven't been too interested in hardly anyone in over a year and when I am, I get this .. Nor is it often that someone new is interested in me, too. A big part of me just doesn't want to throw in the towel right now. I keep thinking about how great our chemistry has been up to this point. We might still be considered strangers,.but the chemistry has been undeniably great since day 1. And today we are still texting as though nothing is different. I don't have a desire to stop contact with him. Perhaps in the end, I will have made a good friend and nothing more.I would like more time with him before making a solid decision about it all...another date or 2 anyway. It will be hard to walk away if I like him alot, but realize that is a good possibility. Yes, a friend, but right now a stranger with serious health issues. You will need to get to know him to be a friend, but I would not suggest you become romantically involved right now. If things don't change and you become more invested, it will be emotionally and physically disparaging for you if his condition takes a down-turn for the worse...AND IT WILL if things remain as they are.
Gaeta Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 What I mean is when this guy is on his back how is he going to provide for himself? He needs to seduce a woman and one that would want to take care of him, just like OP feels. It's in women's nature to want to nurture, I am not surprised at all he comes out with this early, he's aiming at her sympathy. He is out there looking for someone that will take care of him, no going around that one.
Author LilySun Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 I can't wrap my mind around the fact this man is about to lose the ability to walk and use the bathroom on his own and he's on a dating website! Is he working? Does he have insurances? This man could be looking for a sugar mama. He works 2 jobs, that are both physically demanding. He also still goes to the gym to work out. He is in good physical condition, and you can't tell anything is wrong by looking at him. It doesn't appear he has any money problems based on the super nice sports car he drives. Appears he is quite a hard working and stable guy, financially and mentally. He knows what kind of work I do and knows that I live with my mother because I struggled on my own. So if he wants a sugar momma, its got to be obvious that I'm wrong for that...if anything he might think I am looking for a sugar daddy..which I'm not, but his kind of stability is impressive. He does have insurance, but some Dr's tell him they don't take it, which sounds suspicious that they say this AFTER learning about his condition. So no one has flat out said "this is inoperable". He is just either turned down or referred to another surgeon.
ascendotum Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 This is such a common and tragic mistake that people make...feeling obligated and responsible for the lives of someone who will ultimately influence how they live, breath, feel in an intimate way when they don't have to and shouldn't. I don't mean caring about other people's welfare, or those of whom you know, or friends, but I mean someone you're dating, so early in the relationship. Whether it's cancer or mental illness, one plays a very sad game by staying with someone b/c you feel unwarranted guilt. Too many people stay in relationships (for too long) that ultimately destroy them emotionally and physically at times. Our individual responsibility is to be as healthy for ourselves as possible, not take on the burdens of others that will only bring us down, making happiness less attainable. OP, it's too bad he's in this position. But, unfortunately, he's at fault for placing you in this uncomfortable position. He should know better than to put this potential, dramatic burden on another stranger as you are. The longer you stay, the more invested you and he become and when and if his health deteriorates, it will be vastly more difficult for you to leave and for him to let go. He needs to get his health in order before dating again. He already has some serious health issues... I fully agree with the first two paragraphs of this, but a bit less so on the 3rd. As stated the guy in question is not sitting by ignoring his health situation having seen 7 surgeons but obviously the surgery is very risky. To deal with this he just might have to sign a liability waiver or else go on a full on detox, alternate health remedies/therapies, special diet lifestyle to keep the tumor from progressing. If he does nothing it might be another 5 yrs say before his health deteriorates to the extent he becomes incapacitated. Its a shame not to make the most of that time regardless of the possible outcome and have some fun/passion in your life in the meantime. Its very tricky for the woman who considers getting involved with him and I'm sure he realizes that and knows he misses out on many women I could not blame a person for not wanting to get involved with someone they just met who they knew had serious health issues or was going to have serious health issues in the not too distant future. He might be best only considering STR or FWB type relationships while his future is uncertain. 1
soccerrprp Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 If he does nothing it might be another 5 yrs say before his health deteriorates to the extent he becomes incapacitated. Or it could be within 6-months. No one, not even a doctor knows with any certainty. Its a shame not to make the most of that time regardless of the possible outcome and have some fun/passion in your life in the meantime. If the attitude is to have as much "fun/passion" while it lasts, ok. Just be prepared for the emotionally consequences.
Author LilySun Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 What I mean is when this guy is on his back how is he going to provide for himself? He needs to seduce a woman and one that would want to take care of him, just like OP feels. It's in women's nature to want to nurture, I am not surprised at all he comes out with this early, he's aiming at her sympathy. He is out there looking for someone that will take care of him, no going around that one. I think its more like he is sordof in denial. Again his attitude was "Oh well, is what it is", I got the vibe that doesn't even THINK he will need someone to take care of him. He is seeking help and knows he needs treatment but his attitude also conveys that he doesn't realize how much this could effect his life...because he feels just fine...patients are known being in denial especially if they don't feel the effects of anything. It only came up because I mentioned that I used to work in a surgery unit (so he didn't know that until the date). It actually seemed he wanted to keep it short and not go into it, but I was interested so I kept asking questions. Plus, I know and used to work with Neurosurgeons. Some of which, he has already consulted without results. But bottom line is he didn't seem prepared to tell me about it, it just kind of fell into our conversation.
Author LilySun Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 Or it could be within 6-months. No one, not even a doctor knows with any certainty. If the attitude is to have as much "fun/passion" while it lasts, ok. Just be prepared for the emotionally consequences. Exactly. I think everyone deserves a chance at the best things in life while they are still able to enjoy it. However, I am very aware of the emotional consequences I could be submitting myself to if we kept dating. (And mental consequences). In my profession I have interacted with many families with someone paralyzed, or disabled, etc...or spouses...or children. And it's amazing how strong their care takers and relatives are. They simply accept it as a way of life and will even be smiling, as if they are very happy to be there for these people and don't even see it as a burden or a tragedy. I used to often wonder if I could be that strong, and maybe I'm about to find out...
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