bubbaganoosh Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Look. an affair is bad enough. Then you add the fact that she would pawn your kid off to the grandparents to continue the affair is upping the ante BUT, when she brings this bum home and screws him in your bed, in you home, on your sheets, mattress. I got to tell you, if it was me, her and her computer would be gone and I would have divorced her. She's going to wind up taking a bunch of steps backwards because you never took the proper steps when she knifed you in the back and there's more to remorse than buying you an amp and a piece of tail. She's allowed to play games on the PC but not to the point where she neglects you and the kid. That tells me that she hasn't grasped the serious mistake she made and until you get her to reconize it, IMO it will happen again. Just the thought of how she disrespected you by having another man in the marital bed tell me that she has no respect for you and the marriage. Sorry. 1
violet1 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Look. an affair is bad enough. Then you add the fact that she would pawn your kid off to the grandparents to continue the affair is upping the ante BUT, when she brings this bum home and screws him in your bed, in you home, on your sheets, mattress. I got to tell you, if it was me, her and her computer would be gone and I would have divorced her. She's going to wind up taking a bunch of steps backwards because you never took the proper steps when she knifed you in the back and there's more to remorse than buying you an amp and a piece of tail. She's allowed to play games on the PC but not to the point where she neglects you and the kid. That tells me that she hasn't grasped the serious mistake she made and until you get her to reconize it, IMO it will happen again. Just the thought of how she disrespected you by having another man in the marital bed tell me that she has no respect for you and the marriage. Sorry. I agree with this. As a WW, I do not spend as much time online since my D Day. Since I found my exMM online, I know it causes my H to trigger. If he asks who I'm texting, I immediately give him my phone. I only mainly check and post on this site on my breaks at work. She should be willing to give up PC time for you and your daughter. Especially after everything she's put you through.
goodyblue Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I didn't read all of the responses. I just know that after an affair it would be a more touchy subject, but this would just make me upset in general. You feel neglected. Not fair, not fun and not good for your relationship. You are not wrong to be upset. 2
Author Timmos Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 She came home for lunch today. Instead of spending the hour online, we talked about the problem - again. I asked her, "You do understand that this is a chance... not a certainty, right?" She nodded. Her response was "I know... and now I'm afraid to even touch the stupid thing." Again, I told her that I was not demanding that she not play games to relax, only that her priorities needed to be straightened out. I come first, not the PC. Her therapy finally gets going next Friday. The therapist says she needs to work on emotions and coping skills, as well as figuring out the 'Why.' I've always known that. We'll see how it goes.
Author Timmos Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 As for those who say that I should have divorced her: Probably. But then again, anyone who has been betrayed probably should have divorced their WW/WH. The when, where, and how, are just added insults. The initial act is all you really need to call it quits. But Love Makes You Stupid. And of the few things that I honestly do believe 100% in regards to her affair, our bed was simply the closest place to their place of work. He lived an hour away, her only five minutes. I know her well enough to know she doesn't think of symbolism all that much. But she does now. I can believe her when she says "It was just a bed... but its not anymore." Quite literally, actually. Now its a pile of rubble in a room that neither of us use anymore. 2
Bryanp Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Her response that it was just a BED in your HOME says it all. Talk about a woman with a broken moral compass. How any spouse would feel it was no big deal to bring her lover to her married home and bed is simply mind-boggling. This is as bad as it gets. Surely you could do better in your life since it would be difficult to believe that you could do worse. If the roles were reversed would she have accepted such logic as you and be so accepting and forgiving as you? 1
veritas lux mea Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 As for those who say that I should have divorced her: Probably. But then again, anyone who has been betrayed probably should have divorced their WW/WH. The when, where, and how, are just added insults. The initial act is all you really need to call it quits. But Love Makes You Stupid. And of the few things that I honestly do believe 100% in regards to her affair, our bed was simply the closest place to their place of work. He lived an hour away, her only five minutes. I know her well enough to know she doesn't think of symbolism all that much. But she does now. I can believe her when she says "It was just a bed... but its not anymore." Quite literally, actually. Now its a pile of rubble in a room that neither of us use anymore. This is sooo true. The bed is just a convenient f***ing place. The f***ing part is the violation. No symbolism needed. 2
Author Timmos Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 This is sooo true. The bed is just a convenient f***ing place. The f***ing part is the violation. No symbolism needed. This. Broken vows are worse than a broken bed.
jellybean89 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 T, I can tell how much you want to make it work. So many just walk away, but you are trying. Discuss together how much time is "fair" to be spent online vs being a family. 1 hour is more than enough time to unwind. Anything else is avoiding, especially with a little one around. Focus on what you can change...instead of being upset each time she chooses to "relax", start living life with your daughter. Now that spring is finally upon us (those in the US), make plans for you and your daughter to do things... Practice soccer, playing at the park, etc. see if your wife decides to join you. I wish you the best. 1
miguelcervantes Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 As for those who say that I should have divorced her: Probably. But then again, anyone who has been betrayed probably should have divorced their WW/WH. The when, where, and how, are just added insults. The initial act is all you really need to call it quits. But Love Makes You Stupid. And of the few things that I honestly do believe 100% in regards to her affair, our bed was simply the closest place to their place of work. He lived an hour away, her only five minutes. I know her well enough to know she doesn't think of symbolism all that much. But she does now. I can believe her when she says "It was just a bed... but its not anymore." Quite literally, actually. Now its a pile of rubble in a room that neither of us use anymore. Very Slavic of her!
aliveagain Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 This. Broken vows are worse than a broken bed. Yes but the bed represents your safe place, the place that is your sanctuary. She allowed a predator to mark it as his territory, she wasn't held at gun point, she probably held his hand as she led him to it, she probably went directly to her side of the bed and thought nothing of letting him soil your side as they worked up a good sweat. Trash the bed and make her replace it with her own money even if she has to work two jobs to do it. How do you think he felt as he looked at himself in your bathroom mirror knowing he just banged your wife in your bed, he must have got a real high off of it and your wife has no clue as to what she has done. It is not just a bed, it's the most intimate place on the planet when it pertains to you and your wife and she freely gave it up to some POS that gets off on banging other men's wives. I made my now ex take the bed with her when I divorced her cheating a$$. Let her relive the memories of what got her where she is. Friend, you deserve a new bed, you can decide for yourself if you deserve a new wife. My choice doesn't have to be your choice but seriously man, she sh*t on the one place that is sanctuary.
veritas lux mea Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Yes but the bed represents your safe place, the place that is your sanctuary. She allowed a predator to mark it as his territory, she wasn't held at gun point, she probably held his hand as she led him to it, she probably went directly to her side of the bed and thought nothing of letting him soil your side as they worked up a good sweat. Trash the bed and make her replace it with her own money even if she has to work two jobs to do it. How do you think he felt as he looked at himself in your bathroom mirror knowing he just banged your wife in your bed, he must have got a real high off of it and your wife has no clue as to what she has done. It is not just a bed, it's the most intimate place on the planet when it pertains to you and your wife and she freely gave it up to some POS that gets off on banging other men's wives. I made my now ex take the bed with her when I divorced her cheating a$$. Let her relive the memories of what got her where she is. Friend, you deserve a new bed, you can decide for yourself if you deserve a new wife. My choice doesn't have to be your choice but seriously man, she sh*t on the one place that is sanctuary. He said it is in pieces in Spare Room. I am not saying people can't be upset over it. I am just saying it isn't the issue. Your spouse is betraying you. You either give them a second chance or not. For some people symbolism means nothing. It really is just a bed to those people. And those people should never convince others to think the same way. And neither should those who find it symbolic try to make others feel the same way. The exception is a BS to a fWS. If it means something to the BS then the WS should respect that. 1
ThorntonMelon Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 As for those who say that I should have divorced her: Probably. But then again, anyone who has been betrayed probably should have divorced their WW/WH. The when, where, and how, are just added insults. The initial act is all you really need to call it quits. But Love Makes You Stupid. I'd never say you should or shouldn't have. I'd simply tell you that unless you actually intend to follow through and leave her, you're negotiating from such a position of weakness that I think it's harmful to you to try and fight her over it. I think you do what you did and make your feelings known, and then work hard on yourself. Even her reaction "I'm afraid to touch the computer" - this is childs play stuff. It's not what you say to someone you love and cherish who is hurting. 1
Author Timmos Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 I'd never say you should or shouldn't have. I'd simply tell you that unless you actually intend to follow through and leave her, you're negotiating from such a position of weakness that I think it's harmful to you to try and fight her over it. I think you do what you did and make your feelings known, and then work hard on yourself. Even her reaction "I'm afraid to touch the computer" - this is childs play stuff. It's not what you say to someone you love and cherish who is hurting. I agree. And I pointed it out, very clearly, once again, yesterday: "This is a chance. Not a certainty. You know that, right?" I've been working on me as much as the marriage. My confidence is high - even to the point of being cocky (I'm sure its unbearable lol). I've lost 50 pounds. I'm stronger, healthier, and overall, feel like I'm twenty again. I notice other women noticing me. And so does she. If she isn't aware that she can be replaced, she should be. I'm not going to sit around here waiting forever, just to stumble back into the old normal. After what I've been through, normal isn't good enough anymore. 1
sidney2718 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 I agree. And I pointed it out, very clearly, once again, yesterday: "This is a chance. Not a certainty. You know that, right?" I've been working on me as much as the marriage. My confidence is high - even to the point of being cocky (I'm sure its unbearable lol). I've lost 50 pounds. I'm stronger, healthier, and overall, feel like I'm twenty again. I notice other women noticing me. And so does she. If she isn't aware that she can be replaced, she should be. I'm not going to sit around here waiting forever, just to stumble back into the old normal. After what I've been through, normal isn't good enough anymore. The affair was a rejection of you. Being on the computer all the time is also a rejection of you. I think that the major impediment to a real reconciliation is that there is something about you or what you do that irritates the crud out of her. OR she's doing the computer thing to avoid facing something in herself. Of course I could be wrong. But I think you need to work this out to your satisfaction or your relationship is doomed.
Scott Thomas Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 With all due respect, why are you tolerating this? An affair and then pretending that it's not the most life changing event in yours marital history? And then there's the marital bed... 3 billion women on this earth and you would waste your time for someone who doesn't even grasp the severity of her actions.
cocahouts Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 I agree. And I pointed it out, very clearly, once again, yesterday: "This is a chance. Not a certainty. You know that, right?" I've been working on me as much as the marriage. My confidence is high - even to the point of being cocky (I'm sure its unbearable lol). I've lost 50 pounds. I'm stronger, healthier, and overall, feel like I'm twenty again. I notice other women noticing me. And so does she. If she isn't aware that she can be replaced, she should be. I'm not going to sit around here waiting forever, just to stumble back into the old normal. After what I've been through, normal isn't good enough anymore. Timmos......Good for you. I've lost between 60-80lbs myself when I found out. For about a month I just forgot to eat, then it took me another one to figure out why I was having so many health problems but took control and now feel like a new man. 6 months ago I found out, lost my mind for about 3 of them and finally went back to work and seeing people I knew and having them compliment me was the greatest HIGH I have had in years. 10 pant sizes and went from a XXL to a medium. I have tons of women complimenting me, flirting with me and reminding be about happy hour. I have never had that before and my wife see this. She too is on her laptop 24X7 because she runs her company from her laptop and is always busy. This too was a major problem that caused our issues. It's not Games so I know she can't just put it down but we are working on "Us" time when we can. I feel like I am doing all the effort too. I have been in IC for a while that was supposed to be MC but she doesn't feel like it will help. I was warned not to push her to quick because I do get glimpses of what we had every so often and its getting more and more so I am being patient. I don't want to throw away 20years for one mistake, it's not right to call this a mistake we all know there really isn't a word to describe this. Everyone's mess is their own so only you know what feels right but it sounds like you're getting a little confidence back, focus on that for a little bit and be a good dad. I know I'm trying my best and depending on how old your daughter is, they work better than puppies for attracting women. I took my 6yr old to dinner last night and the hostess and waitress were all over her and my table. I think I got the hint and they looked irritated that I didn't bite but when my daughter told mommy all about it...it was one of those priceless moments of pride that I had for myself and to see her worry a little bit was a great eye opener for her. My Counselor told me this isn't a race, more like a marathon and it takes a long time to train and finish. It's damn hard and not many can suck it up and go through this. It's another good mark on what type of person you are, either way it goes you're a better person because of who you are now. Best of luck to you, I just wish I was on this site more often.
Author Timmos Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 ... I think I got the hint and they looked irritated that I didn't bite but when my daughter told mommy all about it...it was one of those priceless moments of pride that I had for myself and to see her worry a little bit was a great eye opener for her... I've had a couple experiences like this. Recently, a petite brunette at a business near here asked me to hang around for her smoke break before she shut down for the night. I had a cigarette and told her I needed to go home to the Mrs. I told my wife about the girl's flirtiness - it took five minutes for her to offer me a BJ lol She knows that I could have other options, if I chose to.
beach Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Doesn't look like your wife is taking the golden opportunity you handed her - to set things right. What is she doing on that computer? Find out what is SO important - that it keeps her completely occupied instead of participating in family time to reconnect! Think about it - you COULD be living an easier life without her...she doesn't look like a partner or team player when it comes to home time.
DasPope Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Yeah I will say this to your original question ... It IS very hard not to bring up (or refer to) her cheating in any arguments or disagreements over other issues but you have to stop yourself and do it. Why? because its unfair to your WS ... just because she's been unfair to you does not give you the right to reciprocate. I myself have found it very hard to stop myself saying certain things to my wife at various times because I realize that it would do more damage then good.
beach Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Yeah I will say this to your original question ... It IS very hard not to bring up (or refer to) her cheating in any arguments or disagreements over other issues but you have to stop yourself and do it. Why? because its unfair to your WS ... just because she's been unfair to you does not give you the right to reciprocate. I myself have found it very hard to stop myself saying certain things to my wife at various times because I realize that it would do more damage then good. I disagree. The damage her actions caused should be brought up as much and is often as you feel the need to talk about it all. Notice I never said screaming or arguing? Just conversations that give the betrayed a chance to express their feelings - and the cheater a chance to realize where they can improve. Hiding how you REALLY feel is living another lie. Your wives should know the extent of how much they hurt you! Every action has a reaction - and these are all the reactions they should expect when cheating is what they did. People are deemed worthy (or not) by their actions. They failed at least this go around. It IS up to themselves to CHANGE their actions (behavior). I'd say taking many uncomfortable conversations into the mix is what they should expect...after all - they caused it. Avoiding the hard discussions will never, ever fix what has been broken. Any pretending is still living the lies. 1
aliveagain Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I think putting up with a little yelling and screaming is the very least your wayward wife should have to endure for the permanent images you have of her with her legs wrapped around another mans a$$. Let us not be too unfair to wayward spouses, specially those that have slept with a number of strangers because after all they are such a prize and we wouldn't want to loose someone that special. Who knows when we'll ever meet someone like them again. When someone shows you that much disrespect and you accept it, well like Forrest Gump always says "Stupid is what.............................(don't need to say anymore). 1
beach Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Taking the cheater back takes on a lot of suffering. Every minute of every day moving forward is filled with wondering if they will or they won't; if they are or they aren't. If you're willing to hand another person THAT much of your power; your head space and peace of mind - by all means = reconcile!
road Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I disagree. The damage her actions caused should be brought up as much and is often as you feel the need to talk about it all. Notice I never said screaming or arguing? Just conversations that give the betrayed a chance to express their feelings - and the cheater a chance to realize where they can improve. Hiding how you REALLY feel is living another lie. Your wives should know the extent of how much they hurt you! Every action has a reaction - and these are all the reactions they should expect when cheating is what they did. People are deemed worthy (or not) by their actions. They failed at least this go around. It IS up to themselves to CHANGE their actions (behavior). I'd say taking many uncomfortable conversations into the mix is what they should expect...after all - they caused it. Avoiding the hard discussions will never, ever fix what has been broken. Any pretending is still living the lies. Once the BS has asked every question and got the whole truth it is pointless to continue talking about the affair. Continued talking keeps the pain fresh and the affair memory from fading. Recovery and healing can not happened. 1
beach Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Once the BS has asked every question and got the whole truth it is pointless to continue talking about the affair. Continued talking keeps the pain fresh and the affair memory from fading. Recovery and healing can not happened. That's untrue. Some BS really need to talk it through many times. Others not so much. If a BS needs more discussion - the cheater should be willing to participate. Anything to restore peace of mind to the betrayed. It's no longer what the cheater does or doesn't want.
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